from friends to something more

I think I might be falling for someone again, she has been in my life for a long time, and we've only been friends, but the last few weeks, have really changed my view on her, and I think I'm falling for her hard. I hope I don't ruin our friendship, but when the feelings are both ways and strong, it may be worth a shot to try it out.

changes

I took a look at myself and where I am and realize I need to make some changes. I need to break bad habits, I need to make a real life for myself. I don't know how to go about it honestly, I can't really talk to my friends about it, because I don't think they'll understand.Feeling like this, I don't really seem happy, or content with anything. I wake up and wish I was sleeping again, where I have a better control over the outcome of my life and my happiness but then I realize its not real and I feel nothing but disappointment and sadness.


I hate to always feel stuck in this mood, I wish I could have talk to my mom about this, I miss her so much.
I don't know who to talk to about this, everyday I feel more and more alone, more and more stuck while everyone around me is moving forward and upward, I'm just stuck in limbo hoping for something to give me that push I need, that kick in the ass to wake me up.Its not going to come because I'm the catalyst to it and right now I don't feel like doing much of any kicking.

Does that make me a hypocrite? I talk about change and do nothing  about it. I stay in my status quo, and just hope that something will come along and change life for me.I hate being alone, back to my dreams I go.

Its Ok

I've learned to accept what I cannot change, although it can be hard and frustrating, I know there is nothing I can do to fix the outcome so all I can do is put my best foot forward and live my life. One day at a time.

God I sound like a walking cliche.

The Struggle

I tend to beat myself up more than I should, secluding myself and diving deeper and deeper into my imagination into my own world. I feel extremely alone, and just miss having the chance to be with someone.This new fondness of love has also caused a new sadness in my heart that is a void of not being loved, or even acknowledged. I wish I could tell my mother more than I did, wish I could have her console me again, she cared so much for me, more than anyone has ever. I miss her so much, and now I find myself missing my ex again.

I need to find something, something to change all of this, its been 3 months since the last time I was with her, and yet I deny how heavily it's influenced my demeanor now, she's happy and found the love she's been searching for, and me I'm just living day to day wondering if I'll ever find anyone ever again. I try to hold back from crying, but I can't the pain in my heart and soul is far from healed, and I continue to punish myself for the mistakes I've made.

Maybe someday I'll heal completely and finally be happy again, but I have little faith in that, I wish I could just go back to june when everything was at its peak and I was in love and happier than I have ever been, I wish I could have done something different to keep her, to not toss aside so much and just love, I wish this feeling of loss wasn't so big, I need to be stronger, but I don't know how to. Maybe that's why I can't find anyone, maybe that's why I seclude myself in my room, in my house, in my work, in my poems, in my dreams.

I don't know how much longer I can hold back my sorrow from driving me to do things I will regret.I didn't realize how powerful love can be and how crushing it would be to have it taken away, I miss her more than I can put into words.I wish I could just find happiness in myself, but it isn't there, and I don't know if it'll ever be.

Love

What is Love? Love is magic, Love is a miracle, Love is support, warmth, passion. Love is so much, Love can create a family, love can motivate,Love can cure and it can heal. I don't think I would have made it through such a rough year without all the love I've gotten from so many people, love from my friends who supported me and helped me through some tough times, love from a woman building me up and making me feel like I can do anything.Love from my Late mother that I will keep with me forever.

Love is what makes us tick it's what makes us feel alive, its what makes us human.Losing love is hard, but love can always be found again, Love can last forever, anyone that I love or have loved, I will love forever, I can't take it back, even if I wanted to. What makes me bring this up? I don't know the experiences this year have made me a huge supporter of it.

I have to admit while I'm not in love anymore and have since moved on, I still love my ex and hold her in my heart. I don't know if she thinks about me ever, but every once in a while I tend to picture her smile(its very beautiful and my favorite quality in her).I remember her telling me for the first time she loved me, and I felt my heart jump out of my chest, why do I bring this up now? I know next sunday is a special day for her (is it weird that I remember her mothers birthday?) and it made me think about how loving a person she is.



Although it may sound like I'm stuck in the past and again I'll admit that if she needed me,I would be there for her in a heartbeat. I just want to acknowledge that if I never shared my love with her, I wouldn't have this fond new appreciation for love, so yea it tends to make me think about her again. Love has helped me get over the anger and sorrow I felt after losing her. Love has helped me through the loss of my mother, and love has made me a better brother,friend,son and someday it will make me a (hopefully) great father. I am in love with love.


So everyone out there who reads this,know we are all blessed to be able to love and be loved, and don't be afraid to embrace it and accept it and most of all enjoy it. To my friends who read this, and even to you lisa if you happen to just browse by here, I love you all and wish for nothing more than for you to enjoy the love that you have and cherish it, its something to be proud of.

Saying goodbye for the last time

its been about a week or so since I last posted something on here, been going through a lot of changes and everything. haven't had much time to think about myself or write how I am. I survive every day and strive for more.I said my final goodbyes to my mom over the weekend, I never cried so much in my life, my ocean of emotions soaking my shirt and blowing into the wind with my mother's ashes knowing that she'll always be there to wipe them away and will always be in my heart.


I love you more than I could ever say in words, you given me so much and I am proud that you were my mother, I am blessed to have had you in my life as much as I did, as others weren't as fortunate, I love you mommy, I'll see you when my time has come.

wishy washy

I swear sometimes I wonder if women are ever a hundred percent sure what they want, the girl I was seeing was having second thoughts about taking time away from me, because well I'm so awesome (sarcasm,but she said I was really fun) then she changed her mind again and said it was best for me and it meant her not being selfish to herself and staying with me, I don't get it.


I was having such a good time too.I have the worse luck with women,Ever.

Reflection

I started to think back about the summer the other day, when a song came on that reminded me of my ex, I've gotten over her, over the anger I had for her taking me back and then leaving me, I've gotten over the sadness of losing the love she shinned into my heart, the sadness of losing a very strong and special women.I've gotten over regrets, regretting not doing more, not doing something different, I just look at the good times we had, staying up all night talking about whatever was on our minds. Her yelling at me for me not hearing her completely. Her kicking my ass in video games.

I shared more with her than I have with some of my closest friends I have now, and I won't ever forget it,I'll cherish every good moment I ever had with her, she'll always hold a special place in my heart. She is after all my very first love, and I couldn't have asked for a better first. Thank you for letting me into your heart, and sharing your memories with me, I will remember it always.

Dumped again

Well I think I was dumped again. We had a long talk last night after a song that came on the radio reminded me of my ex, and she ended up talking about her and we got into an argument  that along with trying to move and losing my mom she thinks there is too much going on with me for us to have any sort of relationship that will sustain. So she kissed me and told me we should take some time away from each other. I see this as being dumped.


I thought things were going good, I only brought up my ex once before this, when I mentioned her name was the same, and this time she brought that up again, and also thought that I was somewhat with her because she reminds me of my ex.She doesn't at all, she was the new lisa, and my ex was my first lisa, that's all.She couldn't get passed that and my other problems I guess it just seems like a cop out. Whatever I guess.


least it ended before it got serious, two big breakups in one year would suck.

Blue haired girl

so the girl I'm seeing told me last night she wants to dye her hair dark blue, she's already dyed it blonde. I've never dated a nerdy funny girl like her before (then again I haven't dated a lot period).I am trying to picture her with blue hair but it just seems weird.Ah well should be fun she makes me happy and It'll be cool to be dating a blue haired chick, its almost out of anime :D

Being in a better place

dare I say it? I think I am happy again! this new girl who just happens to have the same name as the last girl I dated,(weird I know) has really taken my mind off things. She's been helping me look for places to move as well as watching anime with me and reading comics, I didn't think I'd ever find someone with as many common interest as me in my area but I did. She's been great and I feel great! Woohoo!

for every up a down

Well, I had a great time with this new girl the other day, but when I came home a friend of mine was waiting in my backyard, he thinks he's being followed by the police and is losing it.Another friend called and told me everything that happened including him freaking out and shooting his shotgun at his mother's ceiling. Then after I find out this today I find out my nephew is in jail thanks to some domestic dispute with his wife. I'm trying to let these things flow by while I enjoy the happiness I've just obtained, but its like every time something good happens something bad has to follow.

going above

Today,ah today was good, I met someone today I think, yea well we hit it off good, and I'll see her again tomorrow,it felt good to have fun again with someone,  enjoying the small banter back and fourth. I think its time I finally found someone else again for the long term, its been 3 weeks since my mom passed, still rough some, but I have things to occupy me during the grief.


I know she'd be happy for me being happy again.Things are starting to look up.

Optimism is priceless

Today I got up and decided I would have a different outlook on things, I went out had a nice walk, talked to the neighbors down the street and made breakfast for me and my sister, I spoke to my mom, and finally talked to my dad again, seems he quit drinking and has entered a program, I hope he gets through it this time.


I still miss my mom so much, but I'm moving forward, or trying to.

in a situation I shouldn't have put myself in

Over the last few weeks I've been using my neighbor as a means of forgetting about all the shit that has gone on, it usually just consists of us getting drunk and doing it, this week she's gotten a lot more close to me, and I don't want to be with her like that but I also kinda still enjoy doing the "things" we do. I am a little worried now that something else might be up

one, she might be getting feelings for me, which isn't going to be good, because it was only supposed to be a thing on the side, she broke up with her boyfriend for good a month ago, I actually messed around with her before when they were on a break or something.Two, (god I hope this isn't true) she might be pregnant, she's been texting me more and we even had a talk about how cute our babies would be if had some, I am in no position right now to have kids, I don't have feelings for her other than lust, and thats because it keeps my mind off all the impending doom that is looming over me.

It's my own fault though I put myself here and I have to get myself out, but I hate confrontations.The last one I had ended up breaking my own heart when I lost the first girl I loved, they always end bad, and someone ends up crying.

from bad to worse

So.... things have just been falling to shit over and over. Now that my mom has passed we have to move from our house, I have a horrible cold that is draining me of everything.I don't know how me and my sister are going to afford to move and pay rent here now. I'm worried about my future, and what is going to happened I am really scared, and I don't know who to talk to.


I can't sleep, everything is just so bad, I'm trying to stay optimistic but there's nothing to look forward to.Being alone with this is even harder, I need to get out and find someone I guess, but I just suck at everything.

Gone forever

just like my mom, she's gone forever, I should be over this, its been long enough I guess, but I still love her because I'm just a stupid helpless sack of shit. I'm glad you're finally able to sustain your happiness wish it was with me, but I am happy for you, someone should be happy. May not seem like I am happy for you with what I said last time I said anything to you, which was calling you a cold insensitive self indulgent bitch. I don't even know if you'll read this (probably won't) but know that what I said was me lashing out because of me losing my mom.


I still feel so lonely, I hope I can find what you have some day. God I miss you, and boy do I miss my mom too, I love you both, always.

I miss love, can someone give me some please. I miss my mom a lot too, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be, I feel so lonely and unloved now, I hate feeling so sad. I wanna be happy. Sad is such a horrible state of mind to be in, but its all I have now, is this sadness.


Someone help me please.

Happy Birthday Me

Well today is my birthday, and well it sorta sucked, I'm stuck with a clusterfuck of problems, lets start with my dad. While he was over here helping, he decided it was ok to drink and keep me up till 3-4 in the morning going in and out of the fridge mumbling.After I went to work the next day I told my sister to make sure he left by the time I got home.


He did, later that day (tuesday) he called my sister drunk, asked to come over to bring me a present, but I didn't really want to see him so she told him to wait a while because its not a good time now.He instead leaves a voice mail saying that we should just consider him dead and that he's done trying. Oh you started trying? I didn't even notice, ok your dead to me not like its going to change how things were the last 20 odd years anyway.

Second my middle sister, she's still being petty even after finding out our mother had passed, too busy worrying about a 800 dollar phone bill she has now because we left her family plan, calling my sister an asshole and saying she and my mom were scamming her. My sister thinks she's just venting and taking out her frustration on her this way over the loss of my mom. I hope so because if not it would make her one cold bitch.

Last, today on my birthday, my nephew's wife comes over and tells me he has been arrested on a federal charge for trying to cash a bullshit check at the bank, just what we need now of all times, that boy needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself and not hang around the wrong people as he is doing, he could be in for the minimum of 2 years.

top this off with my mom passing and you have the greatest ingredients for the best birthday ever! /sarcasm I've totally written off anything that was bothering me with my ex, its just another problem that I don't need, I put her up as this sweet person who will always care for me,but she's too wrapped up in her own world to even give condolences let alone tell me happy birthday today, when it was just 3 months ago I poured my heart out into a beautiful poem for her. I guess she's not the girl I thought she was. Now I can really move on entirely from wanting anything from her ever again, she can live her life and ignore everything else that happeneds around her all she wants, I obviously never meant enough to her for her to care anymore at all or even acknowledge me.


Happy Birthday Junior, they won't all be like this. I hope.

I know it shouldn't matter,or I shouldn't even think of it,but my ex hasn't said anything to me since my mother's passing, I'm sure she knows by now. Figured if you cared about someone and loved them at some point, you would want to know how they are dealing with the loss, seeing as how they went through it too.


I should've just stayed away because shit like this is why I shouldn't be around, no matter what I do on there she still lingers in the back of my mind.She's not obligated to say anything to me, and I'm not looking for her pity, I dunno its just I don't know.


oh well whatever I guess. Wednesday is going to be the worse birthday ever.

First day without her.

As I sit back and listen to 2pac's "dear mama" I write this crying again, first day without my mother, I miss her so much already and will do so for the rest of my life.I got so many calls once people found out, there were so many who loved her and cared for her, I have more people than I thought for spreading my mother's ashes, and I might have to make a speech before so, which I am so scared to do.



Not because of a loss of words, I just don't know if I'll be able to stay completely focused emotionally to be the voice for that day, but I might just have to.


I will always love you mommy.

My Eulogy to my mother

My mom, she was one helluva lady.She wasn't the best mom, she wasn't the funnest mom, but she was MY mom, and she loved us.She was such a strong willed person, and you'd better think twice about going into a debate with her because 9 times out of 10 you would lose although 9 times out of 10 she was wrong. She would go to the ends of the earth for her children and grandchildren. She may have criticized us for choices we make but its only to help us go down the right path.

No matter how much shit I gave her, or how angry me or my sisters got at her, she always thought the world of us, she believed in me more than I ever believed in myself. She was always my biggest supporter, my biggest fan, my best friend at times.

She could be at times a whirlwind of emotions and crazy, but I wouldn't have her any other way, to me that was my mom, she didn't take no shit from anyone and she stood up for what she believed in. Even when she was wrong. I could remember back in 2nd grade, I was being bullied at school and my principle did nothing to stop it, my mother decided no one was going to hurt her son and get away with it, so with a recorder in hand, she marched down to my school to give the principle a piece of her mind.


I remember when she came home and told us about it, I listened to the voice recorder and all we could hear was the sounds of her walking to the school with a determined walk by the time she got there the recorder's batteries had died. I remember me and my sisters laughing at this just another one of her funny stories. All be it the next day I wasn't bullied anymore and the principle apologized to me.

That was the kind of mother she was,she'd go to any length to help us, she was so strong, she did her best to raise 3 kids, and later a 4th kid, my sister's son,  who was basically like her other son,she raised us all,and with little help from my father. Always eager to show us off to her friends, my sisters and I at times, would get irritated at the fact she would talk about us to her friends how it was "none of their business" but now I understand that she was so proud of us for who we are that she wanted to let others know.


I wish she got to live to see me give her grandchildren, or get married, at least I was able to fall in love and tell her about it, she liked her from what I told of her,she was happy that she was able to have me grow closer to her because of my ex, and she always told me to tell her thank you for that.

She was taken before her time, but I know she's up there making new friends and telling her stories as well as spreading the word about how proud she is of her kids, and we are just as proud as you are of us Mommy, you will always be in my heart forever and Always.


Love,

Your son, Randolph wyatt "Junebuggy" Adkins

Farewell mom

My mother passed away this morning, my sister said it was peaceful, I didn't want to go in and see her pass because I still am not fully coming to grasp with how things will go forward from here.I know she's loves me and thinks the world of me. I will not let her down at all


Carole Jean Adkins

1946-2011


I love you so much mom.

I wish this day would end. I really wish it would. I wish I had someone to talk to, for now its just this blog. I walked my mother to the bathroom, but she didn't make it all the way and pee'd on me again today. I had to change my clothes, she cried and I told her its ok. I can barely understand what she's talking about half the time.

I miss the early part of the summer, when things were new and fun and waking up was exciting.Now, I have to do something just to want to wake up in the morning.

I can't even begin to describe how bad things are getting with my mom, its almost time, she doesn't do much but sleep most of the day, she can barely swallow, she barely makes any sense, fucking shit,I've been good all day and haven't cried, but now I am fucking shit fucking shit I feel so bad that I just want this to be through with.



I can't take this much more,  the stuff today was......I can't even put in words.


I failed to mention the fact I have to babysit my father from drinking, he was supposed to be over here to help,but all he's fucking doing is drinking....Its partially my fault.I should've never let him buy me beer yesterday, thought it would help loosen me out from all of this....

today I spent with my father,the same conversation he always talks to me about came up, how he keeps this collage I did when I was 10 claiming how smart I am and etc etc.Tonight though was different, I don't know why I allowed it knowing he has a drinking problem but I drank with him. As I slowed down he moved further,I didn't really seem to care it kept my mind off other things.

As the night went on though, I soon regretted letting him drink,he started to wallow in my mother's dilemma kept bringing up how bad it was and whatnot, I know this, why do you have to keep telling me it?!I found out more bad news about a few cousins of mine one is going to jail for 25 to life.I can see where I get my downer demeanor from,he then started thinking back on being young and with my mom.Then something I have never witnessed happened, He cried....

I didn't know what to do, I didn't even look, I kept my back away and remained distant, hearing him scuffle his nose as it dripped was a strange moment.As he and my sister sit in the backyard smoking a joint I'm glad it keeps my sister's mind at ease and helps us not worry about my mother too much, but is the problems with him doing us any good either?


I wish I didn't leave the online community, they would really come in handy right now.

Dreaming bliss

I must torture myself on purpose in my dreams, as last night, was probably the best dream I had in a long time if not ever, but waking up was probably the biggest heartache I've faced. I don't know what is wrong with me, why do I seem to revolve around nothing more than my mother's illness and my ability to not get over my ex.

In my dream I was getting married, my mother was there, my sisters were there, all my friends online and in real life were there too.I didn't know who the bride was until she came down, wearing a beautiful dress with a vale covering her face, I know that smile though, I know that smile from anywhere.It was her, I was marrying her.It felt so real.I could feel the tear come down my cheek as she made her way next to me, she was so beautiful she smiled at me and said "Now I will never break your heart or leave you again jr, I love you so much, I'm going to give you children and a family YOUR family"

I remember being so happy, I was finally able to hold her hand, and sway back her hair to kiss her, as I did, I could see every memory we ever shared, every feeling we ever contrived every emotion we ever felt.Her lips were so soft, her smile so beautiful warmed my very soul "You don't have to cry or worry about losing me anymore, with this we are together until death" as I say I do and make our way out of the church, I wake up. "NO" I yelled out, "Its not fair, why is this always happening?!" I let out in anger, the dream was so wonderful the best dream I've ever had, but waking up from it, has to be the worse feeling ever.

Why......Why can I not get passed this? Why is this so hard, why do I love her SO MUCH? Why? can you tell me? Can you tell me why I love you more than I love myself, why I have to leave everything I ever knew online just to TRY to move on.Am I doing all this self consciously myself? I don't know anymore, but if I have that dream again, I am NEVER waking back up.

Confessions of a downward collapse

Ok,  to those still reading this blog, who more than likely don't know me, so this will be that much easier to confess.

I have been abusing the pain killers I have been taking for my ribs and back, I use them as my substitute for being happy.I take 3 very strong pain killers (percocet) at a time, a day.They have helped me through all of the things I have to endure these last few months.

I know I have a problem and I need to stop, but I'm not ready to face all this without them, I am tired of all these feelings from all of this, my mood has been horrible sober.My mom's condition has gotten worse and worse, she's forgetting stuff, she forgets me now twice a week.She's more and more like a young child at times or a kitten.

My sister had a nervous breakdown last week from everything and I decided to take over with everything with my mom full time and had her stay with her boyfriend for the week.To be honest, it wasn't a good idea to close myself off from the friends I have online, I have shut everyone out and burying everything with these pills.

I just, I don't want to ruin everyone Else's life, I don't want to disappoint anyone else, I don't want to drag anyone else into the sad shitty abyss of a life I have, its not fair.So I shoulder this all on my own. I sometimes when things get too bad, I think of my ex and my friends online pushing me through with encouragement. I don't know if my ex see's it, but to me she's always been a very strong women, and I have been using her strength as my own when I lose hope at times.


I just hear her voice telling me I need to suck it up and do what I need to help my family out,but as each new event occurs those words keep dwindling down to no meaning at all.My mom doesn't know who I am half the time, my oldest sister has her boyfriend, my middle sister seems more worried about her fucking phone bill than everything else going on, and my nephew is too busy stealing from us to notice everything as well.


I soldier on though with these pain killers as my ammunition for this dark cruel world I'm in.My alarm goes off for me to give another pill to my mom, she's barely coherent she's in her own world.I have my own world I visit when I dream its the only place I will ever be happy without drugs right now.I've started a new world to amass myself in, started writing my book, creating my own world, where I can find my own love, my own great adventures, my own new no drama family.


If I hadn't been on pills now I don't think I've had the courage to admit to abusing them, when I'm on them I don't feel sad though, it doesn't hurt,I don't worry about being so lonely.I don't think about never having someone wanting to fall in love with me again, I just listen to my music and let go.


I keep reading more and more romance based manga's,animes and movies.Every time a moment of pure love is shown I find tears coming down my face.I know it'll happen every time but I continue to torture myself to it, continue to punish myself.This is another reason I left "that" world, I couldn't separate my ex with it, I just keep thinking of her when I thought of anything from that world.I figure, I'll just have to leave it.


I write so much here because I figure half way through people will stop reading its my defensive mechanism for them not seeing everything I have to write out.


My faith is gone,I remember about a week or so ago, on one of my mom's good days,her talking about god, and I just kept getting more and more angry.She had mentioned how god always comes through in the end, I just had to tell her I couldn't talk about religion because I wasn't a fan of god right now.Hopefully someday I will be again.

My father wants to come and help us, he's coming over tomorrow, after everything that happened, I don't know how I feel about this, I've given him chance after chance, to fake his death and go on a drug binge though, but I am no one to talk, so I will see him tomorrow.


I stood in the rain before I made this post, hoping the rain would wash away all of these negative emotions and feelings I have,felt like the sky was crying on me.I in turn cried back to it, and we enjoyed the sweet embrace of sorrow. The cold weather is in love with me,its something I guess.

For those who made it through all of this, thanks for reading this I guess I'm interesting enough (or my tragic and depressing story was).My spiral down continues, I'm not sure when it'll stop, just so much weight on my shoulders, and I don't want to throw it at my friends, I love them all and I'm just this horribly depressing guy now, and when I'm on the pills I'm really happy, but I know there are people online who will look to stop my problem, and I'm just not ready to face that, or them.

I'm going to keep this blog,I've shut myself away from everything else,but being gone from everything I shouldn't have anyone who knows me reading, so I can keep what I'm going through on here, as I rather not drag any of my friends online or in real life into the turmoil that has become my life, this can just stay my journal\confession in a way.


I'll let out something I've wanted to say for a while, tonight.

Goodbye

This is my goodbye to the internet, to the communities I was apart of, to the people who I've met over my 10-11 years being online. I've had some good times, and some bad ones, and some life changing ones.I feel like there is something I am stuck on, and can't seem to move past it, so I'm going to just sever from it entirely, the forums, the irc channel, msn, all of it.


I been doing this for almost 2 weeks now, and I feel extremely lonely because of it, but I just can't not be in places and not think about a certain situation.They have intertwined into one, and with everything going on right now, I can't handle it anymore, the weight in my heart is going to crack, and I just can't take it. Guess I'm just really bad at getting over things, really bad at letting go, so I'll just let go of it all.



Thank you everyone, I really do love you guys, and its hard to let it all go, hell I won't lie, I'm kinda crying now as I write this, but its time for me to ride off into the sunset, I'm 28 in little more than a week (October 12th) and I just need to leave it all.


Goodbye everyone.


Goodbye El.

Drowning

He's falling, drowning deeper and deeper into the sorrow filled darkness. A hand reaches up for him, he grabs a hold, he feels a feeling he's never felt before.His heart is full, he feels the warmth she has given him. He feels himself raising up back to light,but then she lets go.He falls further and further quicker.He then see's more hands grabbing and reaching for him, he holds on to them, but instead of them pulling him up he's pulling them down.


He makes the only choice he feels to save those around him, he lets go.As he falls deeper and deeper his face is full of tears, soaked from the heartache and trials that have dragged him down, he once again see's her hand reaching out for him, the feeling this time is warm, but its concern as well, he lets go.He continues to fall, she watches as he sinks.There's nothing more she can do to help him, she's tried but he's just let go. 


He continues to fall, with no end in sight, he can no longer see anything reaching for him, he's fallen so deep that everything around him is just dark.Sorrow, hate, regret,resentment fill his heart.As he tries to make his way back up through capsules of "happiness" they don't raise him up, they just keep him afloat.His heart is breaking, his soul is slowing dying, he holds on to the memories of what brought him above the sea of sorrow.They work as his raft as he makes his way through the vast nothingness of this sorrow.


He's close to giving in, close to just letting himself fall all the way down,something is tugging at him to stay above he can hear the voices cry out for him needing his help,needing his strength.He questions if he has any left, if his strength is worth anything, he falls further,slowly,he is tired, he is beaten, he is without resolution.


Drowning.

Just So fucking hard

I am not sure how strong I am, all of this, has tested me beyond I thought possible, this wasn't part of her illness this wasn't supposed to happen.Yesterday my mom wakes up, no idea where she is, thinking she still lives in Oakland with her sisters and family.She walks around, looks, see's me, she has no idea who I am "Mom?" she has no response "Mom are you ok?" She looks at me as if she never seen me before in her life "Who the hell are you" she responds, my heart drops, I don't know how to respond.
I go to find my sister and tell her something is wrong.

"Mom whats going on?" my sister says, she looks at her and says "lenora is that you?" she thinks my sister is one of her sisters, "No I'm your daughter carrie" "I don't have kids" she says quickly with a bit of anger.My eyes are watering, my palms sweaty my knees shake,for the first time in a long time, I am absolutely lost as to what to say at all.I just walk out, I went to the garage and I cried, my sister came and hugged me and let me know she loves me but something just went wrong today.


The mixture of all the meds she's been taking has caused something in her brain to regress back to an earlier time in her life.I wasn't prepared for this, I wasn't prepared for any of this, but this is just too much, I left the house that day and didn't return till later today, her memory slowly comes back, she remembers me vaguely.Sometimes I'm my father, sometimes I'm me.


She cries and tells me she's sorry, but its not her fault, its this damn situation its everything else.The pain killers I've been taking for my ribs seem to be the only thing that makes me happy right now. I seclude myself from everyone because I don't want to drag them down with me, its not fair to keep throwing my problems on them and everything.So I'll stay alone with all this, my pain killers being my only friends right now. I miss the old me, but he's gone, and I don't think he's coming back anytime soon.


Goodbye Neocide.

The greatest thing I can never overcome

A friend of mine offered to let me stay at his cabin while I recovered from the incident last week, I stayed the weekend over there in santa cruz and came back today,I had a lot of time to just sit and think and enjoy nature.I thought a lot about my mom,what I'm going to do when she passes, and this summer.

As I sat in this beautiful backyard surrounded by giant tree's and a small lake, I thought to myself in the 27 years and 11 months I've been on this earth, what has been the greatest thing to happen to me?I thought long and looked back on it,I think about more recent things at first, like when me, my mom and sisters finally moved out of the horrible place we stayed at for 21 years and finally into a house, then I go back further to when I got my building and maintenance Degree,then even further to when I first was able to live with my dad.No matter what event I looked back on more and more only one really makes me feel extremely good to this day.


May 19th 2011,That was the day,When I knew what it was to be in love, To spend all night talking about nothing and everything.To actually feel your heart pop out of your chest from the thought of the person.To knowing who you are entirely brings happiness to someone else.I really thought about this long, and I realized there is nothing greater that I have gone through than that.I remember saying out loud after realizing it,


"I am never going to get over her....ever."


Yea I probably sound like a broken record, I don't care,I'm done trying to fight it,or bury it or just to move on past it, because I can't. I accept it for what it is and live my life beyond it.If I think about it too much though I do get a bit sad.In my delusional mind I feel like we were really meant for each other,I feel like anything else I have in my life or anything she has, is just second to what we would have with one another. Of course I could be entirely wrong, but I could be right as well.


I hope the day comes I can experience what we had again,it'll never be the same but the feeling will be.I just hope it doesn't take me another 27 years.

Getting Away

I got paid and decided to take a trip to San Francisco today. Went walking around on the pier, and ended up on the beach for a few hours, it was pretty empty so I had a few hours to myself. I just needed to get away from everything for a while, and think about where I need to go. I don't think I did, but I was able to clear my mind there. I've always loved the vastness of the sea how it seems endless.In awe of the gigantic waves I wondered if I got swept into them would I find myself in a new place? Able to start all over again, but then I remembered this isn't a movie.

Limbo

How long does it take to truly get over your first love? I know I still am not over her, I've accepted where we stand but by no means am I over her, I write this now after waking up from a most wonderful dream about her again, when I woke up I felt a bit bummed out but eh life goes on. I don't think I'll ever really get over her like ever, and I probably won't feel like moving on until I finally meet someone again. Which I don't see happening with my mannerisms lately.

So, is it ok for me to stay in limbo like this? Still holding on to the first women to ever love me. I still see her face and hear her angelic voice when I think about her.Sometimes I have to fight back my tears when I relive the moments of her saying she loves me. I would give anything in the world to have her be in love with me again, but I can't force her to, so I'll just stay here, not moving on, not really dwelling just sorta stuck in between.

Trying

Today, I tried to stay upbeat, my mood has been somber for most of the day. Can't do too much moving, it still hurts to breath thanks to the broken ribs.The pain killers have made me all loopy and a bit slow, talked to my sister today. I'm a bit envious of her since she and her boyfriend have become a lot closer, he told her "where have you been all my life" I'm happy for her, but at the same time I want that, I thought I had that. No I did have that. I would like it again, but I won't let the fact I don't make me sad.

My mom is doing a bit better today, that's something to be happy about, its hard to keep happy with all the bad choices I have made in the last few weeks.I am trying though, I still feel so lonely, but its probably my own fault.

Starry thoughts

I stayed out in my backyard all night last night, staring at the sky, looking at the stars, they are really visible here. so many, wondering if there was anyone looking back at me. I looked up into the sky and just asked god to help, help me find direction, help me find someone, help me be more than this. As I sat in my chair staring off into the distance I just became lost in thought in my mind, and before I knew it, I fell asleep and the sun had arisen.

I can't even go to the places I want to because I feel like all I'm going to do is drag people down with my demeanor, I continue to shut myself out, escaping into my mind where everything I ever wanted is there, she's there, my life is good, my mother is healthy my nephew isn't stealing from me, I have control over my emotions everything is just where it should be.

I wake up and I'm here, she's not, my mother is dying more and more every day, my nephew is not picking up his phone because he knows what I want, and my emotions are still dictating how my life shifts.I want to sleep and never wake up, I want to live in the dreams that make me a father, that make me the greatest son, and brother and person that I can be.


Why do I have to escape why is it so hard for me to be strong? Why do I have to turn myself into this pity fueled lifeless sack of shit that I have become. I really hate who I am.

I just don't know.

I've told myself that things will get better, I told myself that over and over, I find myself falling deeper and deeper into things I shouldn't be. My direction is lost, my will is minimal, I keep secluding myself from everyone. Last night was a bad idea,my whole body aches, my soul hurts,I feel so broken, I'm here for my mom, but thats all I seem to be here for.


The other night,she was so scared, crying in my arms, how she didn't want to die,I just comfort her, she cried on my shoulder all night, I fell asleep with her sleeping on my shoulder, I'm going to miss her when she's gone, but I need to make sure she's knows I'm ok when she's left, but I don't know how to.


I feel lonely, and unloved, I feel like I'm just withering away like her cancer, I wish I could snap my finger and just remove all the pain, all the hate,all the guilt,all the resentment.I don't like this I don't like losing myself to grief and feeling sorry, I am an upbeat person, and I have lost that over this summer, I don't blame it on what happened with my ex, she only wanted me to be happy, she did that with taking me back when she still had feelings for someone else. Its just I feel like I'm heading down a path I don't think I'll come back from.


Feeling ignored, feeling invisible, feeling like no matter what I want to do it doesn't matter, I just don't know.

The reactions to my actions

yesterday was one of the scariest days of my life, I went out with a friend to a bar, and it turns out one of my sister's ex's friends were there, I didn't pay any attention to him I was trying to get over all of the bad choices I've made recently, as we were leaving, we seemed to be getting followed, turned out it seems he called some friends and they joined him there, before I knew it I was in another fight, outnumbered I chose to run.

My friend didn't make it too far so I went back to help him, once I tried to help him I was stabbed in my knee, I fell to the ground and was repeatedly kick in the ribs and back they left my friend alone long enough for him to call the police, someone heard the commotion and scared the guys away by yelling. By then I had blacked out, I woke up on a stretcher on my way to the hospital.


I didn't have them call anyone from my house because its not going to help anyone to know this situation, I spent all night in the hospital, and was released an hour ago, my knee still hurts as does my side, seeing as how I have three broken ribs. I know this is all my fault for the bad choices I started to make the first time I went over to my sister's ex and gave into my rage.

I thought I was going to die last night, my friend filled out a police report as I didn't get a good look at the guys, I know there was at least 6 of them. There is a reaction to every negative action I choose, this is probably the biggest one ever, things are really bad right now, in more ways than one.

Fuck You

Fuck you, you've taken away so much from her that its made her into a child, you wither away her liver to where she can't live without pain, you have no cure, you do not stop, you just wither, and you destroy what I love. you are slowly taking away the one person who always believes in me, even when I lose faith in myself. Fuck you, you evil disease you ruin families, you destroy dreams you eliminate happiness.

If I could I would take her burden and shoulder it ten fold, I fucking hate you, you take away her natural ability to breath completely on her own, you take away her spirit you take away everything, and all I can give you is my hate, my tears, my sorrow, Fuck you cancer why won't you just leave us alone.

Unburied memories

well last night I had a pleasant dream about my ex, I don't know where it came from, as I haven't really talked to her since my incident with my sister's ex's friends,but the dream was nice, we were on a beach just staring at the ocean nothing else there, just engulfed in the vastness of it all. I lay my head on her lap, she caresses my head with her hand, she tells me "It'll all work out in the end" that's all that's said, I sit and gaze into the endless depths of this ocean, I can see a wave getting bigger and bigger, it's coming at us, But she smiles the wave comes and we're unharmed.

I wake up, I don't know what to think from this dream,I woke up and wasn't depressed about the news I had heard the day before, I found myself waking up and marching forward, maybe it means no matter how big the waves get or how much you feel you may drown, they'll pass in time, and you'll be fine if you have faith in yourself in those around you. I guess that's what it meant.

Wanting to be Wanted

So I sit here, alone and I wonder, do I continue to want this? I don't think so, right now its just an easy way out, easy to just escape and stay secluded here, from people,from work,from well, life.I miss being wanted by someone, I miss someone being in love with me, I miss waking up and thinking of someone in that manner and being so happy.

I just wish I was wanted, I feel like I'll never find that again, maybe your only entitled to it once, and I blew my one and only shot.I hate the choices we have to face in life, none of them seem fair.

My Own Acceptance

This possibly the hardest weekend I've ever dealt with, and after saying that,I've come to terms with losing her finally, we don't know when she'll go, it could be tonight, it could be tomorrow it could be a month from now. I've come with terms with losing her, its never an easy thing but its something I have to accept. I try not to talk about it because it just I don't want to.

I've escaped from everything I can, rarely going on to the places I normally would frequent, I just feel alone somewhat, and I think that's where I'll stay for a while, its easier to negate any pain I feel from losing those I care about.

for every action a reaction

well what happened the other day came back to haunt me, I went to my sisters to pick up her stuff and her boyfriend had some friends over, he wasn't there, but I let myself in, grabbed her stuff and as I left, they began to surround me and talk in spanish, then one came and hit with something glass like, I swung hitting one and the other two swarmed in and took me to the ground.

I covered my face and was instantly kicked in the ribs and back, they stopped for a bit and I got up, as I ran to the door I was stabbed in the hand, it grazed me and I left. I should've known my consequences would be severe for losing my cool, I knew he had friends in gangs, one of them might have been his brother, my sister finally convinced by myself and my other sister to press charges on him.


He sent me a vulgar text implying I should watch myself, or I might not last long,I'm not afraid of him or his friends, but I have my family to look after, so like someone told me I need to think of them, and get my priorities in order.

Losing control of my life

Well I've lost all control, last night my ex let me have it, called me scum, to go fuck myself, that we'd never be friends, ok fine. I tried, I fucked up badly too much for any sort of forgiveness even though I doubt the only people who read what I said were the people she actually showed the post to. I don't deserve her forgiveness and I won't try anymore to plead or live the lie of thinking we can be friends, its time to officially just cut ties with her for good completely.

my sister was seriously hurt by her boyfriend last night, he slammed her face against the wall, knocking out some of her teeth and bruising her face badly, I went over with her and my other sister to get her things, he was there,talking shit and I just lost all control, frustrated with my mom's situation, with how my ex just coldly wrote me off, even after all the times I've forgiven her, and this thing with my sister just pushed me over the edge, I punched him right in the face, over and over again. I would've killed him if my sisters didn't get me off of him.

I'm done caring about everything though, I'm so burnt out, I've taken some more pain killers today to kill this sorrow I have, over everything. I deserve what has happened to me, I brought it upon myself by letting my anger get to me and writing what I did, I deserve to go to jail for what happened because I should've been the bigger person and not let him get to me.

I can't change me, I don't know where to start, I just want to have a drama free life, but that won't happen I have to accept that. I have to accept that the only girl I've ever loved will never love me again, and will hate me for the rest of my life, she probably wishes I died, maybe I'll grant her that wish.

Acceptance

Today I had to tell my mom the trip to caramel can't happen because her liver has gotten a lot worse, she actually took the news better than I thought she would and she told me to be happy from now on, no more tears, no more worrying no more sad face, so I will do that for her, I'll be as happy and as positive as I can be.

Thank you mom for being so strong now, and not being afraid and accepting the shitty fate that has been put on you. You set a great example for me.

Making changes for the better

My other sister came over, and brought my niece and nephew, my other nephew (my oldest sister's son) brought his son (my great nephew, god that makes me feel old.) and we kicked off my mom's birthday weekend, tomorrow is the day, and hopefully I can get the guys at #Trinitymugen to sing happy birthday if she's here when I get home from work (my sisters usually take her out, and I do something with her when she comes back).



I secluded myself in my own stuff, mainly I hate to say it.... Mugen.Now, after being with her, I want that again now, I don't want to go back to how I was for a LONG time, thats why my progress with mugen has slowed down, I have been kinda trying to work my way up to asking out a girl I work with, I have no idea if she'd go out with me or not, I always feel sorta bad because I don't have a car,(one of the many reasons I loved being with my ex, didn't have to worry about this!) But I'm not gonna let that stop me.

Support that I never thought I had

After the financial problem I've encountered today I just witnessed how much people care about me, It brought me to tears, twice, these people I now see as family, although I haven't met them they will all hold a special place in my heart, thanks all of you guys really, you don't know how much it means to me, and my family.


This, also helped me really get over my ex, I have so many people that care about me that her not there, doesn't matter anymore.

This face

I realized what I have to do, and I started to cry because I know I have to let go, this face is a reminder, of how I don't want to feel anymore, how much lingering hurts. This face will remind me how much it hurts to just dwell on all of this for so long. Those tears are dried now, but they still soak my cheeks.

Telling the truth Entirely

"The walls fall, I sink deeper into the ground, looking for a way out, I feed on my sorrow, relishing in it, I tell myself I have to let go, but I don't want to, changing my mind every other day, thinking of what I shouldn't anymore, I'm losing it, maybe I am psycho, maybe I am  mentally broken, I'll drown it all in this ocean of abyss sinking further and further, not wanting pity, just wanting to find a purpose, wanting to be special to someone, wanting to be something much more than I am."

 I have to let go, have to bury it all, have to move forward to gain some kind of life, but I'm too weak to. I see that, I won't talk about any of this to anyone anymore, my feelings have become unhealthy, I'm losing my will to do anything anymore, why has this beaten me so? I use the word "coward" but I'm a hypocrite.  I'm the coward, too afraid to move on, I lie about there being others, about being wanted by someone else, but its just to hide the fact that I have nothing.

I have to come clean about everything, there was no comic girl, there was no lupe, it was just to cover the fact that I had moved on when I didn't because I'm such a loser that when one girl falls in love with me I feel like I wont ever need another one again, I lied about kissing my friend last night I didn't even see them, I went to liquor store and bought some vodka and just walked around and got drunk.

I've never told anyone this, not even the friends I have left now, I've had sex once in my life, and it was to a girl in a wheelchair, that's how sad I am, I was 22.

 I never thought in my life a girl would ever love me, I always felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone, I've only had one other girlfriend in my life and that was when I was 14, she left me for my friend when I went to visit my dad for the summer, when I came back she did nothing but ridicule me talk about my dirty clothes,and how poor I was. Even spitting on me, and throwing rocks.

I was always picked on by my friends, I wet the bed till I was 14, I had to wear a potty pager, that my sister made fun of me with, and showed all her friends, I used to have a problem going to the bathroom, meaning I'd shit my pants, and my friends would laugh at me, when I got older they'd make me fight them, because I was never big on fighting they'd push me around and make fun of me, the girls we'd hang around seen this and would make fun of me as well.

when I was 11 I was sent to a psych ward because I would hurt myself at home, my mother was afraid for me and she sent me there, I went to live with my dad afterwards, he was never there for me, he would leave me at my school till 8pm at night and just forget about me.His Wife at the time hated me as well, would whoop me with a ruler and belittle me while my dad did nothing.

When I got to high school I was back home with my mom, I had no new clothes, I wore the same clothes I had from jr high, I was fat, had no friends and started smoking weed, I tried killing myself in my sophmore year by standing in front of a train,some kids at school got me out of the way but from there on I was shunned by the whole school.

I missed months of school back then when I came back no one even noticed, eventually I dropped out and got my GED.From there I worked at retail jobs, I let my friends influence me and I quit my job, from the time I was 17 to the time I was 20 I basically did nothing but get into trouble, I let my friends influence me and I paid the price for it, I watched a friend of mine bleed out and die.

When I was 7 my mother found a new boyfriend, who happened to be my dad's  step brother, this is something else I've never told anyone, he would come into my room late at night and abuse me physically and sexually, he'd touch me and make me touch him, when I didn't he would punch me, or kick me. He eventually died from an aneurism, he also gave my mom HIV.


My father, was a drug addict, I watched him OD on heroin twice as a kid, and sat by while my uncle  brought him back to life.My grandfather would hit my grandmother all the time, I never knew about it till I witnessed it first hand.

I found out my father had AIDS when I was 11 as well, his wife decided to leave him to himself and I was there to help him overcome everything, even getting his health back together. Years later, my dad fell back into his drugs and alcohol even faking his death this year to hide his drug binge.

I watched my uncle get shot and die when two drug dealers tried to rob him, his kids, (my cousins) were there with me.


Why do I want to say all of this now? Because I feel I don't know me anymore, I lie so much so I don't have to tell the truth that I sometimes don't know whats real and whats not.I also want people to know why I am how I am, why its so hard to move on, because I honestly feel like I'll never find anyone else who'll love me. I'm so sorry lisa for being such a jerk, and not nearly man enough for you.

last night I sat here and looked at a picture of you, and kissed it ya I know, I'm crazy I need to move on, I need to bury everything, I will, I just never got a chance to kiss you, and I decided before I let you go, that I'd get one kiss even if its not real. 

 I'm not worth the air I breathe. I talk as if I don't want pity yet everything I say screams of it, so lost, for so long, even before her, before the cancer, before everything I've always been lost, stuck in my teen years not wanting to grow up, clinging on to my childhood,  I'm almost 30 but I don't feel any older than 16.

I'm a lost cause, all I'm good for it seems is just self loathing, I wish there was more to me, but sadly it seems like this is it, I can't afford to get help, I can't afford anything, I can't even live on my own without the support of my mom and sister, I'm such a weak person, I can see why I'm thrown away so often I can see why I'm forgettable I can see why all I can do is cry and whine and feel sorry for myself.

I'm sorry to everyone who's there to help me, I just waste your effort when I do this, but I want everyone to know me, the real me, and what I've been through and why I am the way I am now. Please don't judge me.

Anyone who reads this don't feel sorry for me, don't pity me, don't feel anything for me, I'm not worth the effort trust me, just leave me to my own self destruction as it seems that's my past, present, and future, my destiny, when my mom goes I will go.


What I've said here, I've never told anyone in my personal life, anyone, so if you're reading this, realize that you now know more about me than most people in my real life.

The fool move I made

I must apologize for saying too much the other day, talking to people about the situation has made me see that I shouldn't have taken things to the level I did, and for that I'm sorry. I shouldn't allow myself to sink to that level and I won't  whether you read this or not I apologize for going there.


I should have more respect for someone I loved than what I showed, and that is why I'm writing this now.

Up's and Down's

It seems today was an up day for my mom and in turn became one for me too.My friend moved out and I took his room, its about the size of a studio almost, its a new start for me in a lot of ways, I feel like changing the way I do things, starting with looking at the positive in things, instead of worrying about the hardships of my situations.

I am going to enjoy the ride, and hope the trip takes me to where I  need to get to.

Hardships

everything is so hard now,I don't know how to manage everything at once, I get overly worried with my relationship, I mean she doesn't seem to talk to me, and when she does its to tell me to stop talking about what I ask. That's partially my fault for bringing up questions that shouldn't be asked randomly I guess.
She never responds when I say hi, or called, even before today.


I try to keep my mind on something positive, but now everything is just so hard.I have someone telling me that she doesn't even care about me, I don't believe it, but he does, he thinks he might be wrong but from how he gathers everything he thinks he's right.its my fault how things went down because I started with my overly worried approach to her.


Here I go again, I'm sorry, through all of this what made me stay happy is knowing you loved me, and cared about me, when I have my mom all messed and you not even wanting to talk to me I can't help but just cry. I hate feeling this way, I hate being so down you make me happy, but right now all I can think about is disappointing everyone.

I am alone in this.

As much as people try to tell me I'm not, I don't see anything else that shows me I'm not, everyone is busy or ignores me, now my mother is hours away and has no idea what's going on with her, my sisters don't see how bad this is, I know they want her to have fun because her birthday is soon, but we have to face the fact,she isn't going to be how she was ever again.

There are times she is fine, but most cases she is in her own world, she doesn't understand what is going on, I am trying not to be sad, trying not to feel like shit, But that's all I can feel, I see why I jumped down my girlfriend's problem, I hate feeling helpless even though I know She is fine and doesn't need it. It still sucks to not be able to do anything for the people you love, I am just watching my mom DIE and all I can do is sit here.

Fucking sit here and sulk or cry or punch the ground until my hands bleed,which they are now. I can't feel the pain though my mind is elsewhere, I can't feel anything right now, I feel numb, I just want this to go away all of it, I want to wake up tomorrow and wake up next to the woman I love, and see my mom healthy and happy and singing and humming in the kitchen like she always would.

That's not going to happen though, so I have to face this, HOW? Can someone please help me? why do I have to do this alone? Why does it feel like I'm by myself here, does anyone even give two shits? I know people do, I shouldn't say that, but I can't see passed all of this sorrow sometimes, I seriously think of just running away from everything and just become someone else, someone who has no one to worry about no one to love so much that it hurts when you feel you might lose them because your too stupid to see they aren't going anywhere, they just need time.


I gotta keep trying, I have to for everyone who does love me, I just don't know how to sometimes, I just want a normal life, a family, a meaning for being on this damn earth, God can you please tell me what I'm supposed to do? Why do I always feel like I can't do enough for anyone or for myself why do I feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream that I can't escape from.I want this all to stop.


"I step back into the darkness, its surrounding me again, embracing my doubts my fears my hate, my anger, it feeds on it, and in turn I fall deeper and deeper into the abyss, I try to claw my way out, but it grabs me more, it tells me it loves my sorrow it doesn't want me to leave it, it fights to keep me as much as I fight to escape it, has this become my destiny? has this become what I am? Just a big looming cloud of despair lost in my own sorrow, lost in my tears, in my fears ,my addictions."

If anyone is reading this, don't pity me, pray for me, help me get out of this world, I am trying my best on my own, I don't know if I can do it, I'll keep trying for as long as I can. I don't know how much longer I can.

god I don't want to go through this every day, she's so out of it, she can't even think,as soon as I leave her room, I break down and cry, I cry as I write this, its so hard seeing her like this, she doesn't even know what she's doing I went back into her room to get her into bed,then she sat there for a while I just closed the door and started to cry,.


I don't want to see my mom like this,but I'll help her through it, my sisters are taking her gambling tomorrow, I hope she's up to it when she goes. Anyone who reads this, please pray for me and her, as I will be doing so myself.

First day

I'm going to keep writing in here to get my head clear, today was rough, spending all day with her, she's so out of it most of the time, and talking to her is like talking to a little kid at times, she's slow to respond and repeats herself like she's in her own world.

It hurts me so much to see this, but its just the process of what's going on, and how she deals with it, her birthday is a week from sunday, yes 9-11, I know right? My mom has other diseases as well (HIV and diabetes) so you see why this is just like really even harder, its like she can't catch a fucking break, I just get mad and cry when I think of it, its not fair.

I'm not worried about how I feel right now, all my focus is her, I have to go now, as she's spending way too much time sitting on the toilet, I hope she hasn't fallen asleep there.

I'll be gone

I'm spending some time with my mom for the foreseeable future she's getting worse mental wise, she talks to herself more and a lot of other things, every time I walk by her room and she's doing it my heart breaks more and more. I'm going to be spending more time making sure she stays sane before she passes, I can't stand seeing her like this.

Creating my own sunshine

I wish I would've seen this on my own, I've been told so by all sorts of people but it didn't seem to sink in till now I don't know why, but I know I can only make myself want to be happy, there are people who help me stay happy and me worrying about making them happy is not going to make me feel any better.

I need to be happy whether it be by myself or with someone (Hopefully its still with someone) I'm done doubting myself and what I can do for me, I am just going to face it I am not a boy, I don't need anyone to hold my hand through this, I need to learn to make my own happiness, so I can share that with the others I care and love in my life.


From here on out, I am done feeling sad and sorry for myself and this situation I will make the best of what I have, and what I have is not bad, Lisa if you read this, I promise even if we don't stay together that I'll make myself happy, but honestly I'd rather be happy and stay with you, if you'll keep me.

Where do I go.

Where do I go when I don't know what to do? When I feel like I'm destroying everything around me? Where do I stay to be happy? Does the embrace of someone who I want a future with take me where I need to go? Why is it I feel like I sabotage everything good in my life,Why am I trying too hard?

Why can't I get a grip on my own life, on my own progress, of my own soul, I feel like I'm fighting everything good, and trying to make it bad, why? Who do I turn to? I get on my knee's and pray I ask god to show me where I have to go, what I need to do.I have to make my own way, I have to face up to my own demons to my own mistakes to my own insecurities I'm not helping anyone with them.


happiness is there, I can feel it, but I push it away,why? Why do I try so hard to find faults in it, why do I make things worse, why do I push, and push until it is gone. Does anyone even hear me? Am I shouting to myself? Does anyone care?


I see people who do, but I turn away, I can't I shouldn't but I do, I throw away that care for sorrow, I throw away the happiness for guilt, I throw away pleasure for pain.I feel stuck in a luminous cloud that shadows me everywhere, where is my sunshine? I see it, but I block it, I figure its someone else light.Is it really mine?

I'm not sad, I'm not worried or anything about this, I just wanted to know, I don't want you to feel obligated to be with me out of fear of me being too sad. I just want you to want to be with me. I didn't ask you if I made you happy because I feel I don't I just want to hear it from you.

This is kinda hard

I forgot how hard this can be, being with someone who's not close, I love her, this is just hard, as I want to talk to her and just be in her presence more, I already miss her voice again. What I would give just to hold her.  I want to be where she is, I want to leave all of this and just go running into her arms and stay there forever.

Can It stop for one day?

I told a friend I haven't talked to in a bit about my mother, and now I have a bunch of old friends calling me and asking me if I'm ok and telling me how sorry they are for me, that's fine, but I wish it would just stop, I want to forget about it right now, but no one will let me. Now I have people wanting to see me tomorrow and all I'm going to hear is about this. 

I don't want pity, I just want to feel good about my life, there is one thing that makes me feel good,actually great, I just wish it wasn't so far away....

Waking up with a smile

I haven't woke up in a while and felt happy, but today I found myself waking up with a grin from ear to ear, it feels good to be happy again after all the turmoil that has happened. I feel liberated almost.


My Mood- Awesome

I love you

Thank you, you always make me happy El, no matter what lies ahead of us, just know I love you and will always, You're in my dreams, in my prayers and always in my heart, I love you so much.

I hate it

I haven't cried this much in ever, setting up all the hospice stuff and talking to the lady about it, her telling us what will happen when certain situations happen with my mom, my sister breaks down and cries, I hold it together for a bit, then I start to cry, then my mother cries again. Then they both try to cheer me up and I cry again.


I hate all of this, I hate it, I hate my life, I hate this situation, I hate being by myself through this I hate it all, I'm gonna sleep all of today, I hate this I can't stop crying.

The Will of my Heart

I said somethings last night that I felt, but I want to say all of it here and now, this is my final time I'll probably say this but I have so much I wanted to say that I couldn't do it all then.

First, I love you, I will never stop loving you, I am still IN love with you as well. I think about you almost every day, I think about how I could've made things different, maybe if I showed that I cared more than I showed, if I wasn't so afraid to talk to you casually, if I paid more attention if I....

When I wake up in the morning, your face is the first thing that enters my mind, when I sleep its the last thing I see.You've changed me, I never been good at expressing how I feel, or showing emotions towards others but you showed me its not a bad thing to bare yourself to those you love,I've grown closer with my mother because of it, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

My faith was renewed because of you too, I hadn't prayed in a long time, but when everything that happened to you occurred I cried and let out everything in a prayer.It helped so much, I've been doing so ever since then,I even managed to go to church last week with my cousin.

My eyes are starting to water again, its hard to hold them back now when I think about all of this, I've never had someone have this sort of impact on me. It makes me so happy that you still think about me, that I still matter to you, because you will always matter to me.I want to hear your voice again, I miss it so much, I wish I could hold your hand, grasping, feeling so close to you and never wanting to let it go.

 I understand why I can't get over you yet, and I'm fine with it.I still want to be with you, I still feel like we were meant for one another, maybe not yet, but someday, I feel that in the very depths of my heart and soul. I want more than anything in the world to one day have a family and a life with you, its all I seem to dream about now, I love those dreams I cherish them just like I cherish every moment I've ever had with you.


Thank you for being apart of my life El, Thank you for opening my eyes to what love can be, thank you for showing me why I am worth. I love you more than I can ever imagine loving anyone.

Tears of strength

I wake up to My mom's cries, she remembers her time is numbered, its a weak moment for her, so I stay there and be strong for her, I tell her its ok, and not to think about any of that, just think of now, know that we'll always be here whenever and we always love her.

I don't know if  its a horrible thing to do, but I have kinda started on her eulogy, only because it helps me with knowing I'm going to lose her, I was a bit more afraid of losing her earlier because of feeling like I wouldn't mean anything to anyone else, but I know different now, and that helps me.

I  cried tonight, I wipe back my tears again before I fall back to sleep I talk to god as well, ask him to help me through this, I yell at times  too, why is her fate so cruel? We cant change fate, we can only accept it and move on, I'll try. sometimes its all so hard alone though. 

Seeing whats not there.

well I don't know what I'm doing, she tells me I matter to her still and all I can think about is wanting to be with her again, I wish I could be fine with just this, I have to be, I just miss her being IN love with me. I'm gonna call it a night early today, I feel worn out from the weekend, with everything happening.

I wish I had more to take all of this off my mind, my mood always shifting, from happy, to content to sad, to angry to disappointed, I feel kinda stupid for reading so much into it, for having so much faith in a single sentence, what can I do though? I'm still in love.............

My mind in one place

All I can seem to think about right now is if she's going to talk to me, or say anything else, maybe I pushed too much with what I've said, I dunno, I looked at a picture of her again and I can't deny the fact that I feel so drawn to her, she's so beautiful. I never told her this, but I actually opened up more with my mother because of her. sigh.... I really do miss her a lot.

Heh.....

Interesting, lol while I was at the hospital yesterday, waiting with my mom in the hall, there was a short blonde nurse checking me out, I wasn't paying any attention to her though, so I had no idea about it.My Mom told me about it today though, she said she walked by me a few times, looked me up and down and even slowed down to look at me (LOL!) but I didn't notice any of these times, understandable. oh well, it feels nice to know I'm longed after.

Setting my house up for the hospice visit tomorrow they'll be doing an assessment of the house for everything, so my sister is going into clean overdrive, I'll clean out my mothers room while she does that though.


 My Mood- Great

Waiting

I'll wait till you want to talk, I just had to say how I felt, how I really felt.

Time

"Time is the most precious gift you can be given, cherish it."
I said this to my sister after I heard the news.My mother, has 4-6 months left, our house is being turned into a hospice for her, with a bed and nurse and everything.I've still not,I've not... come to grips to losing her, to realizing time is not on her side, I am trying so hard to stay positive, but its so hard to. I pray again like I've been doing for the longest now, all of this really is a test to my faith and my own strength, I hope I make it out of this.

The people around me have been great in this situation, and I am thankful for them.It would be a lot harder without them, I'm going to look to them again for strength in this.As I try so valiantly to keep my head up.

A optimistic smile

She Tells me she misses me, and my day seems to feel better, even after the scare with my mom, I don't know where this will lead to, but it was wonderful just knowing she misses me. Maybe its time I called her again tonight, if I don't get too nervous, like I did just talking to her the other day. I was literally shaking. Worried she wouldn't wanna be bothered with me. Again I over-analyzed her reaction which probably caused me to be so shifty when talking to her.

oh well I leave the house with a wonderful smile on my face, Reminds me, had another dream last night,she was cooking with our daughter it was very vague so I can't remember it too well, but it was really really nice. 

My Mood today - upbeat

Tip toeing in the dark

I walk outside, to my back yard again, the night is very warm, its really dark again, none of the lights out here work, I make my way to my patio, I hop on top of my hot tub and look into the starry sky, This is where I'd usually go to think things out, to asses things, I don't know how to move on, probably because I don't want to.

So another day goes by and nothing significant happens, I just drift by, like I've been doing, I barely eat now, I've dropped my weight to 150, I keep watching romantic anime's to escape feeling so lovestruck I wish I had what I see here. I wish I could have love again, I miss it, I miss that warmth it gave me, that feeling of being alive, of waking up and looking forward to what the day has to offer.

Not anymore, I shuffle to work, I keep my head low as I shower, watching the water fall down my face as if it were my own tears, I wish I wasn't so weak at handling these sort of situations, its been a month or so now and I don't feel much different then when she first left me, I would give anything to have her again, anything.


 

Words falter my intention

That conversation started good, but I said something I didn't mean because I was afraid to say what I felt, but I'm not supposed to feel this way anymore, I can't help it. Caring about her is one of the things that actually makes me feel alive.  I keep my hopes alive because I can't lose them, why? I can't give a concrete answer, just helps me think of better days ahead.

Spooky

Ok I think I've been playing too much Resident evil lately, but my backyard looks so eerie at night, I kinda like it though, its a very "take you away" sort of experience, I love that. OoOoOoOoOoooooo lol
Maybe its because I was born in October, but I just love being scared and in freighting situations at times, I love defying the odds.

Brown Eyes

             Brown eyes, you make my heart jump out of me
       Brown eyes,my soul eagerly wanders my dreams for you
           Brown eyes, Moving on I wish it didn't have to be
              Brown eyes,You showed me what love could do
             Brown eyes,my life Was Enriched from your heart
                  Brown eyes,I lust for the taste of your lips
     Brown eyes, the feeling you gave me,lifted me from the start
             Brown eyes, your soul is the water that I long to sip
                   Brown eyes, so flirtatious with no remorse
               Brown eyes, the love you lost is not all you had
          Brown eyes,The passion I have for you is like a wild Horse
           Brown eyes, it pains my heart when I know you're sad
       Brown eyes, a gaze in them can keep me in a trans for hours
Brown eyes, in my world full of weeds,You'll always be my beautiful flower

           
        

        

Rock Steady

kinda hard to stay focused sometimes, today was a little scary earlier, my mom has reverted to a child-like state, I ask her if she's ok and she just looks at me with this sad face, I give her a hug and tell her everything is going to be ok, she tells me she's scared and shakes a little bit, I hug her tighter and kiss her on her cheek and tell her I'm here.

I went into my room and my eyes started to water a little bit, sometimes its just hard, and I get scared, I sometimes don't know what to do, I tried to keep my mind off things today with random banter at the usual place, even had a little back and fourth with El, I should call her, and talk, would she want to talk though?

I don't know if I should say this because I don't know how often she checks up on my blog, but I now purposely dream of her, I close my eyes and listen to my heart thump as I hear her voice once again say she loves me.People,including her, would probably tell me its better for me to just move on, but it helps me through the nights, I won't ever get that out of my head, because it feels so good to hear.

What awaits me tonight? Another wonderful dream with my dream girl, those beautiful big brown eyes that I find myself lost in always, I love those eyes, I can see so much love in them, so much fight, so much of a spark, even when she doesn't. Love has this stranglehold on me and I'm not fighting it, nor do I want to anymore. Always and forever 1 4 3.

Today wasn't so bad

Heh, today wasn't too bad I suppose, I have to give thanks to mugen and the crazy people on #trinitymugen for keeping me occupied on silliness rather than all the drama I have to deal with, I really love that place most times.Almost makes me feel less, alone I guess. I wrote a few sonnets about how I am feeling, even another one about my ex, why? I dunno, I just started thinking of her and started to write. I'll post them here at some point.

Sorrow becomes me.

I feel truly alone now, been so isolated lately, I found myself crying for no apparent reason other than the fact that I hate where I'm at right now.I need to make a change, but I don't know what to change, I just feel so worn out, and all I can do is sleep, and hold up my front.

I actually thought of killing myself last night,I couldn't do it, my sessions with my therapist are done until I can pay for them myself, which I can't. So now I'm stuck again, I don't know what to do, I walk outside and sit in the dark for hours, then I go to work like some sort of zombie, come home and just go back to sleep, my friends don't have time for me anymore.

I wish I wasn't so moody, I wish I wasn't me I wish I was someone who was stronger, someone who wasn't so shy, someone who wasn't some little boy afraid of living.

Anooother Day....

I slept most of the day, been feeling like shit because of my leg, and my ribs, like a bus ran me over and then had goons come out and hit me with a baseball bat. I am fighting the urge to smoke a cigarette right now, its extremely harder for some reason as the months go on. I dreamed about that life again, all day, it was wonderful, sometimes I wish I just fell into a coma and could stay there.

Meh I wonder if she even thinks about me anymore, does she miss me at all? I still miss her of course, I should call her, but what do I say? how do I conversate with her without letting out my feelings? Ah well just taking it one day at a time I suppose.

I still love you so much though.

Living in dreams

My Mood - not good?


I feel achy everywhere, my ankle is still swollen from another stupid accident at work, my sides feel like they've been stretched due to my bed, and my heart aches a bit, that's probably because I spent most of the day watching romantic movies,wasn't my intention, but the good ones really make me feel good because it lets me go back to feeling that way, then the movie is over and I realize I don't have it anymore and well it makes my heart hurt.

I'm hanging in there though I guess, sometimes I just feel like my life has no purpose, if I were to just die would it matter? would anyone other than my mother cry for me? I hate going to that place, but that's just how the day has been today, even cried earlier, sometimes I wonder if I'm really grown, or am I still just a little boy who wants love, I can't call it.

So I'll put up this front and carry on, this blog has been like my personal journal for my feelings, I don't know how I'd deal with them as much if I didn't have one. Sigh, I wish I could just find someone again, and just settle down and know my place in life, I'm tired of drifting, of just making it by, I feel so tired, I'm just so over all of this, my dreams are the best thing going in my life, sleeping is the greatest joy ever, its probably why my body hurts so much.

I had another dream about my "family" last night, I really loved it, and when I woke up I tried so hard to get back to it, but I couldn't I think it just fucked up my whole day when I couldn't but I'm so happy its time to sleep again, I do hope I have another one, I wish I could just live in this dream world,its where I want to be now. Its all I want.

The Darkness of my love

The wind blows and I embrace its comfort, I look up at the dark night and enjoy it once more, I've found myself once again in love with this darkness, its creeping back into my soul, it grabs at my heart and shields it from pain, from feeling of remorse. This darkness is me, I can no longer fight it or deny it, I will make it my light, I will make it my love, I will make it my child, I will make it my life.

I love you darkness, you always hold me so close, you never leave me, you are always there when no one else can be.I'll stay with you forever.

My heart.

I heard a song this morning on the radio that summed up how I felt for a while

"my heart's a stereo,it beats for you so listen close,
hear my thoughts in every note, Make me your radio,
turn me up when you feel low, this melody was meant
for you."


I sorta still feel that way, I know I'm supposed to move on, still trying to, but those lyrics just felt like the soundtrack to my heart atm, I read your blog this morning, and it pains me when your in such a dark place, because it means that beautiful smile that I love so much is gone, I said it on your blog but I'll say it here if you ever read this, I will always be there for you, you changed my life some, and I appreciate you giving me something no one else has given to me besides my family, and that is love. 

I will never forget that or you, ever.

Sometimes I wish my life was like an anime, that way I wouldn't have to worry about rejection and loneliness.Because I'd have 10 girls who were in love with me and could probably have them all be with me at the same time, forever.

Things aren't that easy though, and I'm stuck with this crapper of a love life, I've changed my perspective on dating now, and I think its going to hurt me, because I'm not in the "I'd bang her" mentality I'm  more in the "I'd love to have a family with her someday" area.falling in love and experiencing that I don't want to go back to where I was before,But does that fuck up how I view girls? How I view what I want?

I wish it were easier, I wish I wasn't so bashful about talking to the opposite sex, maybe things would be a lot easier if  doing that came so much easier. El was easy because we had a common interest and talking to her just felt comfortable, but what happened today with nelly is the reason I am so afraid to ask a girl out, the fear of being rejected and this time it was for being me.

I need help on this sorta thing, but my friends aren't the greatest help tbh, one of them went from sister to sister, and before that he hooked up with his other ex through my space. Another friend of mine can talk to women like its a cake walk, his smooth voice sorta helps too.Then there's my friend who basically cheats on every girl he's with and is great at opening conversations with girls, but we are totally different people, so I can't do that.

All my female friends tell me to be myself, say I'm wonderful and all that, but none of them would date me, kim, she looks at me as a brother, I had a thing for her years ago but all she ever seen me for was this funny silly guy who would always make her laugh, thats how all the girls in my life see me, none of them take me serious, am I that immature that no one wants to take me seriously?

I can't help how I am, I love to make people feel better about themselves and their days, that's why most of my friends tend to ask me to go places a lot but I turn them down. Why am I always that guy? the guy who everyone loves to be around, but not actually be with, am I looking at the wrong people? Should I change? I don't know, there's no one I can ask either, I want to ask you, because you liked me for me, and you took me seriously, but I feel if you compliment me and tell me I'm fine I'll question why we ended, and I don't want to bring that on either of us.

Sigh..... here I go, rambling again, I doubt anyone will read this,I'm so lonely, but I'm not really sad, I'm just disappointed in myself.

Rejected

well,I feel like shit, I asked out nelly today, and she politely told me she wasn't interested, I blew it off at first, but like I do always, I just kept prying, and I asked her to tell me the truth of why she wouldn't go out with me.She told me it was because I'm too immature, she said when I first told her how old I was she was shocked, she was sure I was 20 or 21, not 27 going on 28.

She then went on to tell me more on how I carry myself, and that I don't seem like a man and more like a boy, ouch did that hurt, I accepted that and moved passed it today, am I too immature?Do I need to do some growing? Maybe, I don't know, I feel like if I change some of the things she finds immature about me I'm not going to be the same person anymore, not that I would change for her but for myself, but is it something that would make things better in my life?

Times like these I miss her, I could be all immature and silly like that with EL, that was probably the best thing I loved about her, was the fact we both were silly and immature and we had fun being that way with one another. I wonder if I can call her and just be all silly with her again without getting emotionally attached to the situation. I do miss those fun silly talks we had, like the time we sang on the phone with our tone deaf selves haha.

Then again I need to move on, but does that mean changing myself too?

You wanna do what?

My Mood - Not sad, but not happy

I went to see my therapist again today, talked about my mother this time, and how it affects me, and how I feel like if I left the house everything would fall apart.I'm reminded that I am not a stone pillar, and I have to do whats best for me so I don't fall apart. Leaving may not be the right move now, but I have to realize I'm going to have to go soon.

I talked more about El, I feel like I'm moving on, but I feel no immediate closure from the situation, she asked me what kind of closure I was looking for, and that trying to go out to see her wouldn't be wise, I've thought about it, but I wouldn't want to derail whatever it is she has, plus me showing up unexpectedly now? Would just be weird.

A friend of mine on Saturday night had asked me to "make a baby" with her, by being her surrogate, that night (while being intoxicated)  I thought she just wanted to do it so I said "I'll make a baby with you" The next day she called and told me everything about it, and I was floored. Now I want to have kids some day, but this wouldn't be my kid, it would be me giving up rights and putting my "seed" in a cup, I don't know if I could be around her knowing a little me is there and not having any part in its life.

Guess that's what happens when your friends think you'd make a cute baby.

My Mood-Optimistic





Ah what can I say about today? It felt like a day of hope, I went out today, and had a deep conversation with a good friend of mine, just talked about goals and changes, and getting older, I still can't believe I'll be 28 in 2 months, She kept reminding me I'm not old, and I should not see it as getting old, but becoming "seasoned" I laugh because I remember telling her I'm not chicken lol.


My mom has been acting strange because of the pain pills she's taking, she's startled quickly and unaware of things at times, but she's doing better so that's good.I feel a little lonely, but I have hope for the future, I'm thinking of asking out nelly at some point soon, I don't know if I'm quite ready but It has been almost a month, I should try.

My Mood - Somber


Today was an ok day, my boss was being overly nit picky with me and it was irritating the shit out of me,But I know how important I am there so I just do my job and do it well.Every thing on the home front has been  alright today as well, my mom came back home this morning and is doing better,I do wish she didn't express her every little pain out loud, sometimes its really hard to hear.

All in all, I feel ok today, not great, but not bad, so I think that's fine for now.

A new Start

Last night when I was in the hospital my mother's dr suggested a psychologist for me, and even offered a few free sessions.

I went to see the psychologist today, I think it was a long time coming, But I'm glad I did.I told her everything, from not being able to let go of my ex, to feeling obligated to not leave my mother to just being over run by my emotions, to me abusing myself.

She told me to take a step back away from my emotions, as they have been running me for the last few months, and its making me make irrational choices and lash out at people (my mother, my ex, my friends) She also suggested I make a journal, I showed her this blog, and she said it was a good outlet, but I need to leave all of my emotions here, and not to get emotionally invested in them.

Just to express how I am feeling that day, and what caused me to feel the way I do.I have another session with her in another week or so. 

 She also told me something that made me mad, but it actually made so much sense, and it hurt to see it but its true, the reason I am holding on to my ex so much, is because  I want to be loved, and hurt too,it makes sense, I hate to admit that, but it did make me look back at things, all the times I thought you were going to leave me, or when I thought you were already with someone else.

Fretting the worse about my mother, or just feeling lonely or not worth anything or thinking no one cares, or I'm all alone or whatever, I can see it now, how much I wanted to just be sad.I get your whole "Its easy to love me, its hard to love you" Now.


I want to apologize to you El, You didn't deserve all the negative feelings I sent to you, I really am sorry, and I promise to never do that again, I hope you can forgive me and not shut me out, I need all the friends I can get. I want this to be a new beginning for me entirely, I'm going to try my best to make a change, for myself.

I think I'm on my way there, I feel better about myself for going there and telling my therapist everything that I haven't been able to tell other people, and seeing it from the outside it makes me look at myself different. I had a long talk with god last night, asked him for strength and patience in changing myself, I know it wont be easy, but at least now I know I'm ready to make that change.

I want to let go, You don't think I'm trying? Because I am. You told me once my pride got in the way of stuff, and its getting in my way again now, I'm jealous, I'm jealous that you've fallen in love again and have moved on, and everything seems to be falling into place for you, while I'm scraping by.

 Do you know how it feels when you feel like you don't matter to someone? when you put everything, your heart and soul and it feels like they didn't even take a second look? Is it so hard to say hi every now and then? Why is it you feel its a nightmare being my friend? you don't even talk to me!

I don't hate you, I hate what you have, you know why, and yes I need to get over it, but its only been 3 weeks, so things are still raw, You've changed my whole perception on things, its taking me a while to really come to terms with it.

That's no excuse,nor am I giving any, Your intentions are never entirely clear, because you are not always entirely clear on what you want.

You can't tell me what to do, not anymore, so don't tell me to stop. I'm so sick of your elitist attitude, You always seem to try to make me feel smaller than myself, belittling me for not knowing something as trifle as "the eyebrow thing"


Maybe I'm a bit more angry because my mom is back in the hospital again,and she might not have more than the rest of this year, and maybe I'm just angry because she's supposed to be my friend yet you never initiate a conversation with me, you don't want to be my friend you just don't want to hurt my feelings.

I think you just used me when you felt attracted to me, I was always there for you when no one else was there, You told me how I made you feel complete ,how you,how you felt like you used to feel because of me,you said all those things to me, but then you left me again to be by yourself, only to find that same thing with someone else not even a month later.

You know how much that makes me feel like I'm not good enough? like I was a waste of time for you, a mistake, something to get over your ex, I was there to take all your anger, all your resentment, all of it. I'm just an after thought to you, not even mentioned in the same light as your ex or this new one, only thing you ever wrote about me on your blog was how you were confused as to what to do with me.

I don't doubt you loved me, I just don't know if that love was just out of necessity of not wanting to be alone, I know I love you unconditionally its why I hold out hope for so long, why I do all of this, all of it, but its never enough, you never gave us a chance ever, you always got scared always.


Whatever though, I don't know anymore I tried last night to just lose myself in someone else, but all I did was talk about this. Whatever I'm tired, this hurts, and it makes me angry and it makes me cry,and I feel like how I feel is a one way road, that no one else has wants to drive on, it was just a wrong turn, and now they've found their way back to their own highway, as if this one way was never even there.......