"The walls fall, I sink deeper into the ground, looking for a way out, I feed on my sorrow, relishing in it, I tell myself I have to let go, but I don't want to, changing my mind every other day, thinking of what I shouldn't anymore, I'm losing it, maybe I am psycho, maybe I am mentally broken, I'll drown it all in this ocean of abyss sinking further and further, not wanting pity, just wanting to find a purpose, wanting to be special to someone, wanting to be something much more than I am."
I have to let go, have to bury it all, have to move forward to gain some kind of life, but I'm too weak to. I see that, I won't talk about any of this to anyone anymore, my feelings have become unhealthy, I'm losing my will to do anything anymore, why has this beaten me so? I use the word "coward" but I'm a hypocrite. I'm the coward, too afraid to move on, I lie about there being others, about being wanted by someone else, but its just to hide the fact that I have nothing.
I have to come clean about everything, there was no comic girl, there was no lupe, it was just to cover the fact that I had moved on when I didn't because I'm such a loser that when one girl falls in love with me I feel like I wont ever need another one again, I lied about kissing my friend last night I didn't even see them, I went to liquor store and bought some vodka and just walked around and got drunk.
I've never told anyone this, not even the friends I have left now, I've had sex once in my life, and it was to a girl in a wheelchair, that's how sad I am, I was 22.
I never thought in my life a girl would ever love me, I always felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone, I've only had one other girlfriend in my life and that was when I was 14, she left me for my friend when I went to visit my dad for the summer, when I came back she did nothing but ridicule me talk about my dirty clothes,and how poor I was. Even spitting on me, and throwing rocks.
I was always picked on by my friends, I wet the bed till I was 14, I had to wear a potty pager, that my sister made fun of me with, and showed all her friends, I used to have a problem going to the bathroom, meaning I'd shit my pants, and my friends would laugh at me, when I got older they'd make me fight them, because I was never big on fighting they'd push me around and make fun of me, the girls we'd hang around seen this and would make fun of me as well.
when I was 11 I was sent to a psych ward because I would hurt myself at home, my mother was afraid for me and she sent me there, I went to live with my dad afterwards, he was never there for me, he would leave me at my school till 8pm at night and just forget about me.His Wife at the time hated me as well, would whoop me with a ruler and belittle me while my dad did nothing.
When I got to high school I was back home with my mom, I had no new clothes, I wore the same clothes I had from jr high, I was fat, had no friends and started smoking weed, I tried killing myself in my sophmore year by standing in front of a train,some kids at school got me out of the way but from there on I was shunned by the whole school.
I missed months of school back then when I came back no one even noticed, eventually I dropped out and got my GED.From there I worked at retail jobs, I let my friends influence me and I quit my job, from the time I was 17 to the time I was 20 I basically did nothing but get into trouble, I let my friends influence me and I paid the price for it, I watched a friend of mine bleed out and die.
When I was 7 my mother found a new boyfriend, who happened to be my dad's step brother, this is something else I've never told anyone, he would come into my room late at night and abuse me physically and sexually, he'd touch me and make me touch him, when I didn't he would punch me, or kick me. He eventually died from an aneurism, he also gave my mom HIV.
My father, was a drug addict, I watched him OD on heroin twice as a kid, and sat by while my uncle brought him back to life.My grandfather would hit my grandmother all the time, I never knew about it till I witnessed it first hand.
I found out my father had AIDS when I was 11 as well, his wife decided to leave him to himself and I was there to help him overcome everything, even getting his health back together. Years later, my dad fell back into his drugs and alcohol even faking his death this year to hide his drug binge.
I watched my uncle get shot and die when two drug dealers tried to rob him, his kids, (my cousins) were there with me.
Why do I want to say all of this now? Because I feel I don't know me anymore, I lie so much so I don't have to tell the truth that I sometimes don't know whats real and whats not.I also want people to know why I am how I am, why its so hard to move on, because I honestly feel like I'll never find anyone else who'll love me. I'm so sorry lisa for being such a jerk, and not nearly man enough for you.
last night I sat here and looked at a picture of you, and kissed it ya I know, I'm crazy I need to move on, I need to bury everything, I will, I just never got a chance to kiss you, and I decided before I let you go, that I'd get one kiss even if its not real.
I'm not worth the air I breathe. I talk as if I don't want pity yet everything I say screams of it, so lost, for so long, even before her, before the cancer, before everything I've always been lost, stuck in my teen years not wanting to grow up, clinging on to my childhood, I'm almost 30 but I don't feel any older than 16.
I'm a lost cause, all I'm good for it seems is just self loathing, I wish there was more to me, but sadly it seems like this is it, I can't afford to get help, I can't afford anything, I can't even live on my own without the support of my mom and sister, I'm such a weak person, I can see why I'm thrown away so often I can see why I'm forgettable I can see why all I can do is cry and whine and feel sorry for myself.
I'm sorry to everyone who's there to help me, I just waste your effort when I do this, but I want everyone to know me, the real me, and what I've been through and why I am the way I am now. Please don't judge me.
Anyone who reads this don't feel sorry for me, don't pity me, don't feel anything for me, I'm not worth the effort trust me, just leave me to my own self destruction as it seems that's my past, present, and future, my destiny, when my mom goes I will go.
What I've said here, I've never told anyone in my personal life, anyone, so if you're reading this, realize that you now know more about me than most people in my real life.
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