I can't even go to the places I want to because I feel like all I'm going to do is drag people down with my demeanor, I continue to shut myself out, escaping into my mind where everything I ever wanted is there, she's there, my life is good, my mother is healthy my nephew isn't stealing from me, I have control over my emotions everything is just where it should be.

I wake up and I'm here, she's not, my mother is dying more and more every day, my nephew is not picking up his phone because he knows what I want, and my emotions are still dictating how my life shifts.I want to sleep and never wake up, I want to live in the dreams that make me a father, that make me the greatest son, and brother and person that I can be.


Why do I have to escape why is it so hard for me to be strong? Why do I have to turn myself into this pity fueled lifeless sack of shit that I have become. I really hate who I am.