I am alone in this.

As much as people try to tell me I'm not, I don't see anything else that shows me I'm not, everyone is busy or ignores me, now my mother is hours away and has no idea what's going on with her, my sisters don't see how bad this is, I know they want her to have fun because her birthday is soon, but we have to face the fact,she isn't going to be how she was ever again.

There are times she is fine, but most cases she is in her own world, she doesn't understand what is going on, I am trying not to be sad, trying not to feel like shit, But that's all I can feel, I see why I jumped down my girlfriend's problem, I hate feeling helpless even though I know She is fine and doesn't need it. It still sucks to not be able to do anything for the people you love, I am just watching my mom DIE and all I can do is sit here.

Fucking sit here and sulk or cry or punch the ground until my hands bleed,which they are now. I can't feel the pain though my mind is elsewhere, I can't feel anything right now, I feel numb, I just want this to go away all of it, I want to wake up tomorrow and wake up next to the woman I love, and see my mom healthy and happy and singing and humming in the kitchen like she always would.

That's not going to happen though, so I have to face this, HOW? Can someone please help me? why do I have to do this alone? Why does it feel like I'm by myself here, does anyone even give two shits? I know people do, I shouldn't say that, but I can't see passed all of this sorrow sometimes, I seriously think of just running away from everything and just become someone else, someone who has no one to worry about no one to love so much that it hurts when you feel you might lose them because your too stupid to see they aren't going anywhere, they just need time.


I gotta keep trying, I have to for everyone who does love me, I just don't know how to sometimes, I just want a normal life, a family, a meaning for being on this damn earth, God can you please tell me what I'm supposed to do? Why do I always feel like I can't do enough for anyone or for myself why do I feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream that I can't escape from.I want this all to stop.


"I step back into the darkness, its surrounding me again, embracing my doubts my fears my hate, my anger, it feeds on it, and in turn I fall deeper and deeper into the abyss, I try to claw my way out, but it grabs me more, it tells me it loves my sorrow it doesn't want me to leave it, it fights to keep me as much as I fight to escape it, has this become my destiny? has this become what I am? Just a big looming cloud of despair lost in my own sorrow, lost in my tears, in my fears ,my addictions."

If anyone is reading this, don't pity me, pray for me, help me get out of this world, I am trying my best on my own, I don't know if I can do it, I'll keep trying for as long as I can. I don't know how much longer I can.