So today I was looking through my friends on facebook, I noticed my ex had a star by "Friends" and everyone else had a check mark next to it. Found out it meant close friends, I don't remember changing it. Anyway I seen something that asked me if I wanted to write how we first met each other. I still remember how it started, it was in march. I remember being "yummy" that made me giggle when I first read it.
I was a little shy with her at first but talked to her on the forum and we began to hit it off. I really loved those first few chats we had. Everything was so new, so flirty and silly I had so much fun. She was a welcome change in my life, I fell in love with this woman,she made my heart feel like a giant firework. With a single thought of her, the fuse was lit. As it slowly lit up the sky like a bursting star So did I, every time I thought or talked about her.I not only loved her but I was passionate about her.
I really miss that sometimes, I really miss HER sometimes like now for instance. I mean every time I open and write in this blog, it makes me think of her. I try to work up the nerve for a conversation to talk to her but I don't know how anymore. The way we were before, I don't think I can have that. And whats sad is I don't know how to be around her any other way. Am I like, broke? like really broken? Will I really feel this scared? This,afraid to just man the fuck up and say hi, I missed you, and I still love you, and I wish we could be back together.
I tried replacing the feelings I had for her with my friend I was real close with. And we talked about everything,including my ex.I love my friend, but I'm not in love with her, the night I told her I was.We talked all night, This feeling, it felt somewhat familiar but it wasn't the same as before, when we stopped talking I knew that, I ran to tell my ex my new exciting news, thinking THIS would be how I could get over her, letting her know I found someone.
We went our ways and I felt a little better.Then time kicked in and I felt like what I felt wasn't right, but I didn't want to tell kim that. Fortunately she did, and I didn't have to feel like an asshole for projecting feelings I have for my Ex on her. There has to be something I'm missing, I had moments, realizations that I was over her but, was I just lying to myself? I keep trying to tell myself no but, I see her face every now and then when I close my eyes.And that fuse is lit all over again.
I don't know if this is healthy, it's not like I follow her activity or anything like that. I just can't I can't get over her I don't even know if I want to. God, I miss her voice so much from the bottom of my heart. I miss hearing her tell me she loves me. I miss hearing about her life,or her cooking, or her cat or her kicking my ass in a game.I miss her.
If you're reading this, it means I sent that pm to you, I want to talk, but I'm seriously too scared as to what to say to you. If I made you feel uncomfortable or annoyed when I messaged you when I was drunk, I apologize. I just don't know how to talk to you anymore without all these feelings rushing out or instantly wanting to go back to how we used to talk.
I'm kidding myself if I think I'm over you, I think I tell myself this because I want to believe I am but, every time I think of you longer than 10 seconds, I can't think about anything else but wanting to tell you how much I love you.
