feeling extremely vulnerable, lonely and just used. I felt safe talking to her again, but obviously she had no time for me. I'm not mad or angry or disappointed or anything, she doesn't owe me shit. I dunno I felt safe talking to her like I could say anything and not be judged, maybe it's just falling back into old habits.
I just feel so taken advantage of, people abuse my kindness and run over me and I let them. Maybe I like it? I dunno I wish I could be more cold but it's not in my nature. I'm too kind hearted of a person thanks to all the horrible things I've done when I was younger. Do I still love her? Probably always but I'm not hung up on that, I just felt like talking to someone familiar someone who knows me and understands me. I guess it was just the wrong time for that, and that's not her fault but mine.
I just feel so alone atm, and it sucks, I shouldnt have gotten drunk by myself, now that it's winding down, I just feel sad, and miss what we had, I wish I had that back, I miss feeling loved like that, I miss knowing someone needs or wants me in their lives, not feeling obligated due to blood or loyalty to me. I hate being alone, but thats all I have now.
This blog is nothing more than the collected notes of my tears and sorrow, full of pain and ache and regret. Rage anger and remorse. I miss being happy, and healthy and loved. I miss being someone.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Family is shit
Well, I'm writing today here, so I don't go and do something stupid like destroy my house out of anger,frustration and depression. I have been a nice person my whole life. And especially to my family.
My nephew, who was going through his own hardships, asked to move in with me in april, I was skeptical because I didn't know if he could contribute, he assured me his wife would pitch in.
Me being the nice wonderful Uncle I am, I let him. So it's now may, I've paid what bills I can myself, and bought food. His wife hasn't helped nor has he, I let may go by and June hits, he tells me he's looking for work and that he should have a job soon. I pay what I can again and get food. His wife shows up with their son, AND her brother, they stay over every few days, and eat my food, use my power and no signs of contributing.
So I begin to become frustrated, but I keep calm and stay nice. July comes, I tell him he has to pay or we both we be out of a place to stay, as I am struggling myself and don't have a way to pay. The bills pile up
his wife and kid and her brother show up again. Eating my food til there isn't anymore then buying their own food and offering me none.
he tells me she's going to give him money on the 12 of July. To avoid a late fee I ask my sister to loan me the rent money till the following week. Now my rent is pretty low ($258) and where she lives now (in a rv) she doesn't really have to pay anything. She tells me she gave all her money to her boyfriend. Which I know is a lie, because first, he's got money saved up. And second, for what? they only have to pay for their phones and food.
The 12th comes and I ask my nephew about the money, he gets quiet,no word. I figure he's just waiting on her to come by and bring it. Few days later nothing. "She's going to pay me $400 on the 26th" by then the rent will be extremely late but that will help with any other bill as well. So the weeks go by and the night of
the 26th he comes and tells me his wife has been cheating on him. And thinks he won't be able to get the money from her. I try to keep calm, and tell him I don't care that she's cheated there personal problems shouldn't negate the fact that she's been staying here and eating my food and coming over my house at 2 in the morning to have sex with her husband IN MY HOUSE.
He gets quiet, and says nothing else. Saturday, he leaves for his class and never returns. I wake this morning to see my screen on my front window is off, and the window is open. I'm not sure what has happened, nothing seems stolen, I check my nephew's room, his clothes are all gone. He has bailed on me. I am not angry that he didn't pay rent, I'm disappointed and annoyed but not angry. I am however angry he just left and didn't even have the gull to tell me he was leaving.
So now, I'm without food, because he and his wife and friends and son and whatever ate up almost everything.My bills are piling and I'm in danger of being homeless all be because I wanted to help my family and be nice. I'm trying not to destroy everything in my house and not breakdown and lose my mind but it's hard. My sister won't even pick up her phone or call me back.
I am at my wits end, I can't process any of this without breaking down and losing myself. I can't rely on my family because they just shit all over me.
if anyone wants to help me, you can drop donations on my paypal: Neocidezt@hotmail.com
any help at all will be helpful in helping me.
My nephew, who was going through his own hardships, asked to move in with me in april, I was skeptical because I didn't know if he could contribute, he assured me his wife would pitch in.
Me being the nice wonderful Uncle I am, I let him. So it's now may, I've paid what bills I can myself, and bought food. His wife hasn't helped nor has he, I let may go by and June hits, he tells me he's looking for work and that he should have a job soon. I pay what I can again and get food. His wife shows up with their son, AND her brother, they stay over every few days, and eat my food, use my power and no signs of contributing.
So I begin to become frustrated, but I keep calm and stay nice. July comes, I tell him he has to pay or we both we be out of a place to stay, as I am struggling myself and don't have a way to pay. The bills pile up
his wife and kid and her brother show up again. Eating my food til there isn't anymore then buying their own food and offering me none.
he tells me she's going to give him money on the 12 of July. To avoid a late fee I ask my sister to loan me the rent money till the following week. Now my rent is pretty low ($258) and where she lives now (in a rv) she doesn't really have to pay anything. She tells me she gave all her money to her boyfriend. Which I know is a lie, because first, he's got money saved up. And second, for what? they only have to pay for their phones and food.
The 12th comes and I ask my nephew about the money, he gets quiet,no word. I figure he's just waiting on her to come by and bring it. Few days later nothing. "She's going to pay me $400 on the 26th" by then the rent will be extremely late but that will help with any other bill as well. So the weeks go by and the night of
the 26th he comes and tells me his wife has been cheating on him. And thinks he won't be able to get the money from her. I try to keep calm, and tell him I don't care that she's cheated there personal problems shouldn't negate the fact that she's been staying here and eating my food and coming over my house at 2 in the morning to have sex with her husband IN MY HOUSE.
He gets quiet, and says nothing else. Saturday, he leaves for his class and never returns. I wake this morning to see my screen on my front window is off, and the window is open. I'm not sure what has happened, nothing seems stolen, I check my nephew's room, his clothes are all gone. He has bailed on me. I am not angry that he didn't pay rent, I'm disappointed and annoyed but not angry. I am however angry he just left and didn't even have the gull to tell me he was leaving.
So now, I'm without food, because he and his wife and friends and son and whatever ate up almost everything.My bills are piling and I'm in danger of being homeless all be because I wanted to help my family and be nice. I'm trying not to destroy everything in my house and not breakdown and lose my mind but it's hard. My sister won't even pick up her phone or call me back.
I am at my wits end, I can't process any of this without breaking down and losing myself. I can't rely on my family because they just shit all over me.
if anyone wants to help me, you can drop donations on my paypal: Neocidezt@hotmail.com
any help at all will be helpful in helping me.
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