for every up a down

Well, I had a great time with this new girl the other day, but when I came home a friend of mine was waiting in my backyard, he thinks he's being followed by the police and is losing it.Another friend called and told me everything that happened including him freaking out and shooting his shotgun at his mother's ceiling. Then after I find out this today I find out my nephew is in jail thanks to some domestic dispute with his wife. I'm trying to let these things flow by while I enjoy the happiness I've just obtained, but its like every time something good happens something bad has to follow.

going above

Today,ah today was good, I met someone today I think, yea well we hit it off good, and I'll see her again tomorrow,it felt good to have fun again with someone,  enjoying the small banter back and fourth. I think its time I finally found someone else again for the long term, its been 3 weeks since my mom passed, still rough some, but I have things to occupy me during the grief.


I know she'd be happy for me being happy again.Things are starting to look up.

Optimism is priceless

Today I got up and decided I would have a different outlook on things, I went out had a nice walk, talked to the neighbors down the street and made breakfast for me and my sister, I spoke to my mom, and finally talked to my dad again, seems he quit drinking and has entered a program, I hope he gets through it this time.


I still miss my mom so much, but I'm moving forward, or trying to.

in a situation I shouldn't have put myself in

Over the last few weeks I've been using my neighbor as a means of forgetting about all the shit that has gone on, it usually just consists of us getting drunk and doing it, this week she's gotten a lot more close to me, and I don't want to be with her like that but I also kinda still enjoy doing the "things" we do. I am a little worried now that something else might be up

one, she might be getting feelings for me, which isn't going to be good, because it was only supposed to be a thing on the side, she broke up with her boyfriend for good a month ago, I actually messed around with her before when they were on a break or something.Two, (god I hope this isn't true) she might be pregnant, she's been texting me more and we even had a talk about how cute our babies would be if had some, I am in no position right now to have kids, I don't have feelings for her other than lust, and thats because it keeps my mind off all the impending doom that is looming over me.

It's my own fault though I put myself here and I have to get myself out, but I hate confrontations.The last one I had ended up breaking my own heart when I lost the first girl I loved, they always end bad, and someone ends up crying.

from bad to worse

So.... things have just been falling to shit over and over. Now that my mom has passed we have to move from our house, I have a horrible cold that is draining me of everything.I don't know how me and my sister are going to afford to move and pay rent here now. I'm worried about my future, and what is going to happened I am really scared, and I don't know who to talk to.


I can't sleep, everything is just so bad, I'm trying to stay optimistic but there's nothing to look forward to.Being alone with this is even harder, I need to get out and find someone I guess, but I just suck at everything.

Gone forever

just like my mom, she's gone forever, I should be over this, its been long enough I guess, but I still love her because I'm just a stupid helpless sack of shit. I'm glad you're finally able to sustain your happiness wish it was with me, but I am happy for you, someone should be happy. May not seem like I am happy for you with what I said last time I said anything to you, which was calling you a cold insensitive self indulgent bitch. I don't even know if you'll read this (probably won't) but know that what I said was me lashing out because of me losing my mom.


I still feel so lonely, I hope I can find what you have some day. God I miss you, and boy do I miss my mom too, I love you both, always.

I miss love, can someone give me some please. I miss my mom a lot too, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be, I feel so lonely and unloved now, I hate feeling so sad. I wanna be happy. Sad is such a horrible state of mind to be in, but its all I have now, is this sadness.


Someone help me please.

Happy Birthday Me

Well today is my birthday, and well it sorta sucked, I'm stuck with a clusterfuck of problems, lets start with my dad. While he was over here helping, he decided it was ok to drink and keep me up till 3-4 in the morning going in and out of the fridge mumbling.After I went to work the next day I told my sister to make sure he left by the time I got home.


He did, later that day (tuesday) he called my sister drunk, asked to come over to bring me a present, but I didn't really want to see him so she told him to wait a while because its not a good time now.He instead leaves a voice mail saying that we should just consider him dead and that he's done trying. Oh you started trying? I didn't even notice, ok your dead to me not like its going to change how things were the last 20 odd years anyway.

Second my middle sister, she's still being petty even after finding out our mother had passed, too busy worrying about a 800 dollar phone bill she has now because we left her family plan, calling my sister an asshole and saying she and my mom were scamming her. My sister thinks she's just venting and taking out her frustration on her this way over the loss of my mom. I hope so because if not it would make her one cold bitch.

Last, today on my birthday, my nephew's wife comes over and tells me he has been arrested on a federal charge for trying to cash a bullshit check at the bank, just what we need now of all times, that boy needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself and not hang around the wrong people as he is doing, he could be in for the minimum of 2 years.

top this off with my mom passing and you have the greatest ingredients for the best birthday ever! /sarcasm I've totally written off anything that was bothering me with my ex, its just another problem that I don't need, I put her up as this sweet person who will always care for me,but she's too wrapped up in her own world to even give condolences let alone tell me happy birthday today, when it was just 3 months ago I poured my heart out into a beautiful poem for her. I guess she's not the girl I thought she was. Now I can really move on entirely from wanting anything from her ever again, she can live her life and ignore everything else that happeneds around her all she wants, I obviously never meant enough to her for her to care anymore at all or even acknowledge me.


Happy Birthday Junior, they won't all be like this. I hope.

I know it shouldn't matter,or I shouldn't even think of it,but my ex hasn't said anything to me since my mother's passing, I'm sure she knows by now. Figured if you cared about someone and loved them at some point, you would want to know how they are dealing with the loss, seeing as how they went through it too.


I should've just stayed away because shit like this is why I shouldn't be around, no matter what I do on there she still lingers in the back of my mind.She's not obligated to say anything to me, and I'm not looking for her pity, I dunno its just I don't know.


oh well whatever I guess. Wednesday is going to be the worse birthday ever.

First day without her.

As I sit back and listen to 2pac's "dear mama" I write this crying again, first day without my mother, I miss her so much already and will do so for the rest of my life.I got so many calls once people found out, there were so many who loved her and cared for her, I have more people than I thought for spreading my mother's ashes, and I might have to make a speech before so, which I am so scared to do.



Not because of a loss of words, I just don't know if I'll be able to stay completely focused emotionally to be the voice for that day, but I might just have to.


I will always love you mommy.

My Eulogy to my mother

My mom, she was one helluva lady.She wasn't the best mom, she wasn't the funnest mom, but she was MY mom, and she loved us.She was such a strong willed person, and you'd better think twice about going into a debate with her because 9 times out of 10 you would lose although 9 times out of 10 she was wrong. She would go to the ends of the earth for her children and grandchildren. She may have criticized us for choices we make but its only to help us go down the right path.

No matter how much shit I gave her, or how angry me or my sisters got at her, she always thought the world of us, she believed in me more than I ever believed in myself. She was always my biggest supporter, my biggest fan, my best friend at times.

She could be at times a whirlwind of emotions and crazy, but I wouldn't have her any other way, to me that was my mom, she didn't take no shit from anyone and she stood up for what she believed in. Even when she was wrong. I could remember back in 2nd grade, I was being bullied at school and my principle did nothing to stop it, my mother decided no one was going to hurt her son and get away with it, so with a recorder in hand, she marched down to my school to give the principle a piece of her mind.


I remember when she came home and told us about it, I listened to the voice recorder and all we could hear was the sounds of her walking to the school with a determined walk by the time she got there the recorder's batteries had died. I remember me and my sisters laughing at this just another one of her funny stories. All be it the next day I wasn't bullied anymore and the principle apologized to me.

That was the kind of mother she was,she'd go to any length to help us, she was so strong, she did her best to raise 3 kids, and later a 4th kid, my sister's son,  who was basically like her other son,she raised us all,and with little help from my father. Always eager to show us off to her friends, my sisters and I at times, would get irritated at the fact she would talk about us to her friends how it was "none of their business" but now I understand that she was so proud of us for who we are that she wanted to let others know.


I wish she got to live to see me give her grandchildren, or get married, at least I was able to fall in love and tell her about it, she liked her from what I told of her,she was happy that she was able to have me grow closer to her because of my ex, and she always told me to tell her thank you for that.

She was taken before her time, but I know she's up there making new friends and telling her stories as well as spreading the word about how proud she is of her kids, and we are just as proud as you are of us Mommy, you will always be in my heart forever and Always.


Love,

Your son, Randolph wyatt "Junebuggy" Adkins

Farewell mom

My mother passed away this morning, my sister said it was peaceful, I didn't want to go in and see her pass because I still am not fully coming to grasp with how things will go forward from here.I know she's loves me and thinks the world of me. I will not let her down at all


Carole Jean Adkins

1946-2011


I love you so much mom.

I wish this day would end. I really wish it would. I wish I had someone to talk to, for now its just this blog. I walked my mother to the bathroom, but she didn't make it all the way and pee'd on me again today. I had to change my clothes, she cried and I told her its ok. I can barely understand what she's talking about half the time.

I miss the early part of the summer, when things were new and fun and waking up was exciting.Now, I have to do something just to want to wake up in the morning.

I can't even begin to describe how bad things are getting with my mom, its almost time, she doesn't do much but sleep most of the day, she can barely swallow, she barely makes any sense, fucking shit,I've been good all day and haven't cried, but now I am fucking shit fucking shit I feel so bad that I just want this to be through with.



I can't take this much more,  the stuff today was......I can't even put in words.


I failed to mention the fact I have to babysit my father from drinking, he was supposed to be over here to help,but all he's fucking doing is drinking....Its partially my fault.I should've never let him buy me beer yesterday, thought it would help loosen me out from all of this....

today I spent with my father,the same conversation he always talks to me about came up, how he keeps this collage I did when I was 10 claiming how smart I am and etc etc.Tonight though was different, I don't know why I allowed it knowing he has a drinking problem but I drank with him. As I slowed down he moved further,I didn't really seem to care it kept my mind off other things.

As the night went on though, I soon regretted letting him drink,he started to wallow in my mother's dilemma kept bringing up how bad it was and whatnot, I know this, why do you have to keep telling me it?!I found out more bad news about a few cousins of mine one is going to jail for 25 to life.I can see where I get my downer demeanor from,he then started thinking back on being young and with my mom.Then something I have never witnessed happened, He cried....

I didn't know what to do, I didn't even look, I kept my back away and remained distant, hearing him scuffle his nose as it dripped was a strange moment.As he and my sister sit in the backyard smoking a joint I'm glad it keeps my sister's mind at ease and helps us not worry about my mother too much, but is the problems with him doing us any good either?


I wish I didn't leave the online community, they would really come in handy right now.

Dreaming bliss

I must torture myself on purpose in my dreams, as last night, was probably the best dream I had in a long time if not ever, but waking up was probably the biggest heartache I've faced. I don't know what is wrong with me, why do I seem to revolve around nothing more than my mother's illness and my ability to not get over my ex.

In my dream I was getting married, my mother was there, my sisters were there, all my friends online and in real life were there too.I didn't know who the bride was until she came down, wearing a beautiful dress with a vale covering her face, I know that smile though, I know that smile from anywhere.It was her, I was marrying her.It felt so real.I could feel the tear come down my cheek as she made her way next to me, she was so beautiful she smiled at me and said "Now I will never break your heart or leave you again jr, I love you so much, I'm going to give you children and a family YOUR family"

I remember being so happy, I was finally able to hold her hand, and sway back her hair to kiss her, as I did, I could see every memory we ever shared, every feeling we ever contrived every emotion we ever felt.Her lips were so soft, her smile so beautiful warmed my very soul "You don't have to cry or worry about losing me anymore, with this we are together until death" as I say I do and make our way out of the church, I wake up. "NO" I yelled out, "Its not fair, why is this always happening?!" I let out in anger, the dream was so wonderful the best dream I've ever had, but waking up from it, has to be the worse feeling ever.

Why......Why can I not get passed this? Why is this so hard, why do I love her SO MUCH? Why? can you tell me? Can you tell me why I love you more than I love myself, why I have to leave everything I ever knew online just to TRY to move on.Am I doing all this self consciously myself? I don't know anymore, but if I have that dream again, I am NEVER waking back up.

Confessions of a downward collapse

Ok,  to those still reading this blog, who more than likely don't know me, so this will be that much easier to confess.

I have been abusing the pain killers I have been taking for my ribs and back, I use them as my substitute for being happy.I take 3 very strong pain killers (percocet) at a time, a day.They have helped me through all of the things I have to endure these last few months.

I know I have a problem and I need to stop, but I'm not ready to face all this without them, I am tired of all these feelings from all of this, my mood has been horrible sober.My mom's condition has gotten worse and worse, she's forgetting stuff, she forgets me now twice a week.She's more and more like a young child at times or a kitten.

My sister had a nervous breakdown last week from everything and I decided to take over with everything with my mom full time and had her stay with her boyfriend for the week.To be honest, it wasn't a good idea to close myself off from the friends I have online, I have shut everyone out and burying everything with these pills.

I just, I don't want to ruin everyone Else's life, I don't want to disappoint anyone else, I don't want to drag anyone else into the sad shitty abyss of a life I have, its not fair.So I shoulder this all on my own. I sometimes when things get too bad, I think of my ex and my friends online pushing me through with encouragement. I don't know if my ex see's it, but to me she's always been a very strong women, and I have been using her strength as my own when I lose hope at times.


I just hear her voice telling me I need to suck it up and do what I need to help my family out,but as each new event occurs those words keep dwindling down to no meaning at all.My mom doesn't know who I am half the time, my oldest sister has her boyfriend, my middle sister seems more worried about her fucking phone bill than everything else going on, and my nephew is too busy stealing from us to notice everything as well.


I soldier on though with these pain killers as my ammunition for this dark cruel world I'm in.My alarm goes off for me to give another pill to my mom, she's barely coherent she's in her own world.I have my own world I visit when I dream its the only place I will ever be happy without drugs right now.I've started a new world to amass myself in, started writing my book, creating my own world, where I can find my own love, my own great adventures, my own new no drama family.


If I hadn't been on pills now I don't think I've had the courage to admit to abusing them, when I'm on them I don't feel sad though, it doesn't hurt,I don't worry about being so lonely.I don't think about never having someone wanting to fall in love with me again, I just listen to my music and let go.


I keep reading more and more romance based manga's,animes and movies.Every time a moment of pure love is shown I find tears coming down my face.I know it'll happen every time but I continue to torture myself to it, continue to punish myself.This is another reason I left "that" world, I couldn't separate my ex with it, I just keep thinking of her when I thought of anything from that world.I figure, I'll just have to leave it.


I write so much here because I figure half way through people will stop reading its my defensive mechanism for them not seeing everything I have to write out.


My faith is gone,I remember about a week or so ago, on one of my mom's good days,her talking about god, and I just kept getting more and more angry.She had mentioned how god always comes through in the end, I just had to tell her I couldn't talk about religion because I wasn't a fan of god right now.Hopefully someday I will be again.

My father wants to come and help us, he's coming over tomorrow, after everything that happened, I don't know how I feel about this, I've given him chance after chance, to fake his death and go on a drug binge though, but I am no one to talk, so I will see him tomorrow.


I stood in the rain before I made this post, hoping the rain would wash away all of these negative emotions and feelings I have,felt like the sky was crying on me.I in turn cried back to it, and we enjoyed the sweet embrace of sorrow. The cold weather is in love with me,its something I guess.

For those who made it through all of this, thanks for reading this I guess I'm interesting enough (or my tragic and depressing story was).My spiral down continues, I'm not sure when it'll stop, just so much weight on my shoulders, and I don't want to throw it at my friends, I love them all and I'm just this horribly depressing guy now, and when I'm on the pills I'm really happy, but I know there are people online who will look to stop my problem, and I'm just not ready to face that, or them.

I'm going to keep this blog,I've shut myself away from everything else,but being gone from everything I shouldn't have anyone who knows me reading, so I can keep what I'm going through on here, as I rather not drag any of my friends online or in real life into the turmoil that has become my life, this can just stay my journal\confession in a way.


I'll let out something I've wanted to say for a while, tonight.

Goodbye

This is my goodbye to the internet, to the communities I was apart of, to the people who I've met over my 10-11 years being online. I've had some good times, and some bad ones, and some life changing ones.I feel like there is something I am stuck on, and can't seem to move past it, so I'm going to just sever from it entirely, the forums, the irc channel, msn, all of it.


I been doing this for almost 2 weeks now, and I feel extremely lonely because of it, but I just can't not be in places and not think about a certain situation.They have intertwined into one, and with everything going on right now, I can't handle it anymore, the weight in my heart is going to crack, and I just can't take it. Guess I'm just really bad at getting over things, really bad at letting go, so I'll just let go of it all.



Thank you everyone, I really do love you guys, and its hard to let it all go, hell I won't lie, I'm kinda crying now as I write this, but its time for me to ride off into the sunset, I'm 28 in little more than a week (October 12th) and I just need to leave it all.


Goodbye everyone.


Goodbye El.