Confessions of a downward collapse

Ok,  to those still reading this blog, who more than likely don't know me, so this will be that much easier to confess.

I have been abusing the pain killers I have been taking for my ribs and back, I use them as my substitute for being happy.I take 3 very strong pain killers (percocet) at a time, a day.They have helped me through all of the things I have to endure these last few months.

I know I have a problem and I need to stop, but I'm not ready to face all this without them, I am tired of all these feelings from all of this, my mood has been horrible sober.My mom's condition has gotten worse and worse, she's forgetting stuff, she forgets me now twice a week.She's more and more like a young child at times or a kitten.

My sister had a nervous breakdown last week from everything and I decided to take over with everything with my mom full time and had her stay with her boyfriend for the week.To be honest, it wasn't a good idea to close myself off from the friends I have online, I have shut everyone out and burying everything with these pills.

I just, I don't want to ruin everyone Else's life, I don't want to disappoint anyone else, I don't want to drag anyone else into the sad shitty abyss of a life I have, its not fair.So I shoulder this all on my own. I sometimes when things get too bad, I think of my ex and my friends online pushing me through with encouragement. I don't know if my ex see's it, but to me she's always been a very strong women, and I have been using her strength as my own when I lose hope at times.


I just hear her voice telling me I need to suck it up and do what I need to help my family out,but as each new event occurs those words keep dwindling down to no meaning at all.My mom doesn't know who I am half the time, my oldest sister has her boyfriend, my middle sister seems more worried about her fucking phone bill than everything else going on, and my nephew is too busy stealing from us to notice everything as well.


I soldier on though with these pain killers as my ammunition for this dark cruel world I'm in.My alarm goes off for me to give another pill to my mom, she's barely coherent she's in her own world.I have my own world I visit when I dream its the only place I will ever be happy without drugs right now.I've started a new world to amass myself in, started writing my book, creating my own world, where I can find my own love, my own great adventures, my own new no drama family.


If I hadn't been on pills now I don't think I've had the courage to admit to abusing them, when I'm on them I don't feel sad though, it doesn't hurt,I don't worry about being so lonely.I don't think about never having someone wanting to fall in love with me again, I just listen to my music and let go.


I keep reading more and more romance based manga's,animes and movies.Every time a moment of pure love is shown I find tears coming down my face.I know it'll happen every time but I continue to torture myself to it, continue to punish myself.This is another reason I left "that" world, I couldn't separate my ex with it, I just keep thinking of her when I thought of anything from that world.I figure, I'll just have to leave it.


I write so much here because I figure half way through people will stop reading its my defensive mechanism for them not seeing everything I have to write out.


My faith is gone,I remember about a week or so ago, on one of my mom's good days,her talking about god, and I just kept getting more and more angry.She had mentioned how god always comes through in the end, I just had to tell her I couldn't talk about religion because I wasn't a fan of god right now.Hopefully someday I will be again.

My father wants to come and help us, he's coming over tomorrow, after everything that happened, I don't know how I feel about this, I've given him chance after chance, to fake his death and go on a drug binge though, but I am no one to talk, so I will see him tomorrow.


I stood in the rain before I made this post, hoping the rain would wash away all of these negative emotions and feelings I have,felt like the sky was crying on me.I in turn cried back to it, and we enjoyed the sweet embrace of sorrow. The cold weather is in love with me,its something I guess.

For those who made it through all of this, thanks for reading this I guess I'm interesting enough (or my tragic and depressing story was).My spiral down continues, I'm not sure when it'll stop, just so much weight on my shoulders, and I don't want to throw it at my friends, I love them all and I'm just this horribly depressing guy now, and when I'm on the pills I'm really happy, but I know there are people online who will look to stop my problem, and I'm just not ready to face that, or them.