today I spent with my father,the same conversation he always talks to me about came up, how he keeps this collage I did when I was 10 claiming how smart I am and etc etc.Tonight though was different, I don't know why I allowed it knowing he has a drinking problem but I drank with him. As I slowed down he moved further,I didn't really seem to care it kept my mind off other things.

As the night went on though, I soon regretted letting him drink,he started to wallow in my mother's dilemma kept bringing up how bad it was and whatnot, I know this, why do you have to keep telling me it?!I found out more bad news about a few cousins of mine one is going to jail for 25 to life.I can see where I get my downer demeanor from,he then started thinking back on being young and with my mom.Then something I have never witnessed happened, He cried....

I didn't know what to do, I didn't even look, I kept my back away and remained distant, hearing him scuffle his nose as it dripped was a strange moment.As he and my sister sit in the backyard smoking a joint I'm glad it keeps my sister's mind at ease and helps us not worry about my mother too much, but is the problems with him doing us any good either?


I wish I didn't leave the online community, they would really come in handy right now.