I am not sure how strong I am, all of this, has tested me beyond I thought possible, this wasn't part of her illness this wasn't supposed to happen.Yesterday my mom wakes up, no idea where she is, thinking she still lives in Oakland with her sisters and family.She walks around, looks, see's me, she has no idea who I am "Mom?" she has no response "Mom are you ok?" She looks at me as if she never seen me before in her life "Who the hell are you" she responds, my heart drops, I don't know how to respond.
I go to find my sister and tell her something is wrong.
"Mom whats going on?" my sister says, she looks at her and says "lenora is that you?" she thinks my sister is one of her sisters, "No I'm your daughter carrie" "I don't have kids" she says quickly with a bit of anger.My eyes are watering, my palms sweaty my knees shake,for the first time in a long time, I am absolutely lost as to what to say at all.I just walk out, I went to the garage and I cried, my sister came and hugged me and let me know she loves me but something just went wrong today.
The mixture of all the meds she's been taking has caused something in her brain to regress back to an earlier time in her life.I wasn't prepared for this, I wasn't prepared for any of this, but this is just too much, I left the house that day and didn't return till later today, her memory slowly comes back, she remembers me vaguely.Sometimes I'm my father, sometimes I'm me.
She cries and tells me she's sorry, but its not her fault, its this damn situation its everything else.The pain killers I've been taking for my ribs seem to be the only thing that makes me happy right now. I seclude myself from everyone because I don't want to drag them down with me, its not fair to keep throwing my problems on them and everything.So I'll stay alone with all this, my pain killers being my only friends right now. I miss the old me, but he's gone, and I don't think he's coming back anytime soon.
Goodbye Neocide.
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