The Struggle

I tend to beat myself up more than I should, secluding myself and diving deeper and deeper into my imagination into my own world. I feel extremely alone, and just miss having the chance to be with someone.This new fondness of love has also caused a new sadness in my heart that is a void of not being loved, or even acknowledged. I wish I could tell my mother more than I did, wish I could have her console me again, she cared so much for me, more than anyone has ever. I miss her so much, and now I find myself missing my ex again.

I need to find something, something to change all of this, its been 3 months since the last time I was with her, and yet I deny how heavily it's influenced my demeanor now, she's happy and found the love she's been searching for, and me I'm just living day to day wondering if I'll ever find anyone ever again. I try to hold back from crying, but I can't the pain in my heart and soul is far from healed, and I continue to punish myself for the mistakes I've made.

Maybe someday I'll heal completely and finally be happy again, but I have little faith in that, I wish I could just go back to june when everything was at its peak and I was in love and happier than I have ever been, I wish I could have done something different to keep her, to not toss aside so much and just love, I wish this feeling of loss wasn't so big, I need to be stronger, but I don't know how to. Maybe that's why I can't find anyone, maybe that's why I seclude myself in my room, in my house, in my work, in my poems, in my dreams.

I don't know how much longer I can hold back my sorrow from driving me to do things I will regret.I didn't realize how powerful love can be and how crushing it would be to have it taken away, I miss her more than I can put into words.I wish I could just find happiness in myself, but it isn't there, and I don't know if it'll ever be.