A new Start

Last night when I was in the hospital my mother's dr suggested a psychologist for me, and even offered a few free sessions.

I went to see the psychologist today, I think it was a long time coming, But I'm glad I did.I told her everything, from not being able to let go of my ex, to feeling obligated to not leave my mother to just being over run by my emotions, to me abusing myself.

She told me to take a step back away from my emotions, as they have been running me for the last few months, and its making me make irrational choices and lash out at people (my mother, my ex, my friends) She also suggested I make a journal, I showed her this blog, and she said it was a good outlet, but I need to leave all of my emotions here, and not to get emotionally invested in them.

Just to express how I am feeling that day, and what caused me to feel the way I do.I have another session with her in another week or so. 

 She also told me something that made me mad, but it actually made so much sense, and it hurt to see it but its true, the reason I am holding on to my ex so much, is because  I want to be loved, and hurt too,it makes sense, I hate to admit that, but it did make me look back at things, all the times I thought you were going to leave me, or when I thought you were already with someone else.

Fretting the worse about my mother, or just feeling lonely or not worth anything or thinking no one cares, or I'm all alone or whatever, I can see it now, how much I wanted to just be sad.I get your whole "Its easy to love me, its hard to love you" Now.


I want to apologize to you El, You didn't deserve all the negative feelings I sent to you, I really am sorry, and I promise to never do that again, I hope you can forgive me and not shut me out, I need all the friends I can get. I want this to be a new beginning for me entirely, I'm going to try my best to make a change, for myself.

I think I'm on my way there, I feel better about myself for going there and telling my therapist everything that I haven't been able to tell other people, and seeing it from the outside it makes me look at myself different. I had a long talk with god last night, asked him for strength and patience in changing myself, I know it wont be easy, but at least now I know I'm ready to make that change.