I have been having what seems to be the same ongoing dream, this family that I've somehow created in my dreams, its there still every night I try not to think of it too much, but again I find myself back in this same scenario.They aren't bad dreams,They are what my heart truly desires,love and a family, and it just happens to be my ex whose the catalyst.
I'm afraid to go to sleep at times now, because when I wake I just get sad again, I had an amazingly wonderful dream last night. We took the kids out to the Forest, as I drive us, I see her tending to the two kids being mischievous in the back "Anne!" she yells out "Yes Mommy?" She says in an innocent tone "Stop messing around with your brother" her looks says she's serious, but at the same time its still very much loving, "I'm not doing anything!"She quickly turns her head away to avoid eye contact. "You're just like your father, unaware of anything"
She says as she gives out a small sigh. The boy looks out the window "Mommy look!" as he points to a group of deer off in the distance, we all stop to look at them I take a moment back and look at them all watching, I have never felt this happy before, it feels so real its something I've always wanted for as long as I can remember.
I woke up then, realized it was just a dream and I cried a little, As I whisper your name out. I cry myself back to sleep to once again find myself with my family.We've made it to the park, the run over to the lake to see the sights, I grab your hand and pick up our boy,Wyatt. We spent the whole day there just enjoying each other, I never had dreams that felt so real and relaxed like this.Both kids in your lap asleep as you lean your head on my shoulder.I can feel a kiss on my cheek "I'm so happy to be with you Junior, I am so happy for these kids you've blessed me with" she says as she gazes into my eyes."I'm the one who's blessed to have all of you, This is all I've ever wanted El," I tell her.
We just sit there for a while, looking into each other, enjoying what we've given ourselves what we've allowed ourselves to have.My heart starts to flutter and before I can kiss her I wake up."NO" I yelled out, that night, last night, I ended up waking up at 11 pm only an hour, after I fell asleep, but the dream it felt a lot longer,I was scared to go back to sleep, I ended up staying up till 3 am, finally falling asleep.
I found myself in another dream about my family here,its not as long, but its just as precious as the rest,We're home, and just sitting on the couch watching tv together.Everything, felt so real, from the warmth of your cute little nose snuggling on my neck, to our kids laying on my legs, I can feel it all. As I write this, I'm starting to get water eyed again, I think I enjoy sleeping and my dream life more than this real one, everything is where I want it to be, where it should be there.
Is it wrong that all I want to do is sleep and dream of her and them? Is it wrong that I wake up and cry when I realize its not real? Whats to say its not? I don't know sometimes. This summer has changed me,YOU have changed me, I wish I could give you those children, and all of our love, I want it more than anything in the world, how long will this take? If you read this, can you tell me? Can you help me?
Most times I'm ok, But I can't stop these dreams, and I kinda don't want to, Its just so frustrating,everyday when I walk over the bridge on my way to work, there's a horizon, that leads out to wherever is beyond where I am, I tend to find myself every day looking out towards you. I didn't think it was going to be this tough, I will always carry a torch for you, the fire I have for you will not die, I can't stop it, I don't know when I'll be able to just want someone else, but right now I don't I don't want anyone but you.
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