Can It stop for one day?

I told a friend I haven't talked to in a bit about my mother, and now I have a bunch of old friends calling me and asking me if I'm ok and telling me how sorry they are for me, that's fine, but I wish it would just stop, I want to forget about it right now, but no one will let me. Now I have people wanting to see me tomorrow and all I'm going to hear is about this. 

I don't want pity, I just want to feel good about my life, there is one thing that makes me feel good,actually great, I just wish it wasn't so far away....

Waking up with a smile

I haven't woke up in a while and felt happy, but today I found myself waking up with a grin from ear to ear, it feels good to be happy again after all the turmoil that has happened. I feel liberated almost.


My Mood- Awesome

I love you

Thank you, you always make me happy El, no matter what lies ahead of us, just know I love you and will always, You're in my dreams, in my prayers and always in my heart, I love you so much.

I hate it

I haven't cried this much in ever, setting up all the hospice stuff and talking to the lady about it, her telling us what will happen when certain situations happen with my mom, my sister breaks down and cries, I hold it together for a bit, then I start to cry, then my mother cries again. Then they both try to cheer me up and I cry again.


I hate all of this, I hate it, I hate my life, I hate this situation, I hate being by myself through this I hate it all, I'm gonna sleep all of today, I hate this I can't stop crying.

The Will of my Heart

I said somethings last night that I felt, but I want to say all of it here and now, this is my final time I'll probably say this but I have so much I wanted to say that I couldn't do it all then.

First, I love you, I will never stop loving you, I am still IN love with you as well. I think about you almost every day, I think about how I could've made things different, maybe if I showed that I cared more than I showed, if I wasn't so afraid to talk to you casually, if I paid more attention if I....

When I wake up in the morning, your face is the first thing that enters my mind, when I sleep its the last thing I see.You've changed me, I never been good at expressing how I feel, or showing emotions towards others but you showed me its not a bad thing to bare yourself to those you love,I've grown closer with my mother because of it, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

My faith was renewed because of you too, I hadn't prayed in a long time, but when everything that happened to you occurred I cried and let out everything in a prayer.It helped so much, I've been doing so ever since then,I even managed to go to church last week with my cousin.

My eyes are starting to water again, its hard to hold them back now when I think about all of this, I've never had someone have this sort of impact on me. It makes me so happy that you still think about me, that I still matter to you, because you will always matter to me.I want to hear your voice again, I miss it so much, I wish I could hold your hand, grasping, feeling so close to you and never wanting to let it go.

 I understand why I can't get over you yet, and I'm fine with it.I still want to be with you, I still feel like we were meant for one another, maybe not yet, but someday, I feel that in the very depths of my heart and soul. I want more than anything in the world to one day have a family and a life with you, its all I seem to dream about now, I love those dreams I cherish them just like I cherish every moment I've ever had with you.


Thank you for being apart of my life El, Thank you for opening my eyes to what love can be, thank you for showing me why I am worth. I love you more than I can ever imagine loving anyone.

Tears of strength

I wake up to My mom's cries, she remembers her time is numbered, its a weak moment for her, so I stay there and be strong for her, I tell her its ok, and not to think about any of that, just think of now, know that we'll always be here whenever and we always love her.

I don't know if  its a horrible thing to do, but I have kinda started on her eulogy, only because it helps me with knowing I'm going to lose her, I was a bit more afraid of losing her earlier because of feeling like I wouldn't mean anything to anyone else, but I know different now, and that helps me.

I  cried tonight, I wipe back my tears again before I fall back to sleep I talk to god as well, ask him to help me through this, I yell at times  too, why is her fate so cruel? We cant change fate, we can only accept it and move on, I'll try. sometimes its all so hard alone though. 

Seeing whats not there.

well I don't know what I'm doing, she tells me I matter to her still and all I can think about is wanting to be with her again, I wish I could be fine with just this, I have to be, I just miss her being IN love with me. I'm gonna call it a night early today, I feel worn out from the weekend, with everything happening.

I wish I had more to take all of this off my mind, my mood always shifting, from happy, to content to sad, to angry to disappointed, I feel kinda stupid for reading so much into it, for having so much faith in a single sentence, what can I do though? I'm still in love.............

My mind in one place

All I can seem to think about right now is if she's going to talk to me, or say anything else, maybe I pushed too much with what I've said, I dunno, I looked at a picture of her again and I can't deny the fact that I feel so drawn to her, she's so beautiful. I never told her this, but I actually opened up more with my mother because of her. sigh.... I really do miss her a lot.

Heh.....

Interesting, lol while I was at the hospital yesterday, waiting with my mom in the hall, there was a short blonde nurse checking me out, I wasn't paying any attention to her though, so I had no idea about it.My Mom told me about it today though, she said she walked by me a few times, looked me up and down and even slowed down to look at me (LOL!) but I didn't notice any of these times, understandable. oh well, it feels nice to know I'm longed after.

Setting my house up for the hospice visit tomorrow they'll be doing an assessment of the house for everything, so my sister is going into clean overdrive, I'll clean out my mothers room while she does that though.


 My Mood- Great

Waiting

I'll wait till you want to talk, I just had to say how I felt, how I really felt.

Time

"Time is the most precious gift you can be given, cherish it."
I said this to my sister after I heard the news.My mother, has 4-6 months left, our house is being turned into a hospice for her, with a bed and nurse and everything.I've still not,I've not... come to grips to losing her, to realizing time is not on her side, I am trying so hard to stay positive, but its so hard to. I pray again like I've been doing for the longest now, all of this really is a test to my faith and my own strength, I hope I make it out of this.

The people around me have been great in this situation, and I am thankful for them.It would be a lot harder without them, I'm going to look to them again for strength in this.As I try so valiantly to keep my head up.

A optimistic smile

She Tells me she misses me, and my day seems to feel better, even after the scare with my mom, I don't know where this will lead to, but it was wonderful just knowing she misses me. Maybe its time I called her again tonight, if I don't get too nervous, like I did just talking to her the other day. I was literally shaking. Worried she wouldn't wanna be bothered with me. Again I over-analyzed her reaction which probably caused me to be so shifty when talking to her.

oh well I leave the house with a wonderful smile on my face, Reminds me, had another dream last night,she was cooking with our daughter it was very vague so I can't remember it too well, but it was really really nice. 

My Mood today - upbeat

Tip toeing in the dark

I walk outside, to my back yard again, the night is very warm, its really dark again, none of the lights out here work, I make my way to my patio, I hop on top of my hot tub and look into the starry sky, This is where I'd usually go to think things out, to asses things, I don't know how to move on, probably because I don't want to.

So another day goes by and nothing significant happens, I just drift by, like I've been doing, I barely eat now, I've dropped my weight to 150, I keep watching romantic anime's to escape feeling so lovestruck I wish I had what I see here. I wish I could have love again, I miss it, I miss that warmth it gave me, that feeling of being alive, of waking up and looking forward to what the day has to offer.

Not anymore, I shuffle to work, I keep my head low as I shower, watching the water fall down my face as if it were my own tears, I wish I wasn't so weak at handling these sort of situations, its been a month or so now and I don't feel much different then when she first left me, I would give anything to have her again, anything.


 

Words falter my intention

That conversation started good, but I said something I didn't mean because I was afraid to say what I felt, but I'm not supposed to feel this way anymore, I can't help it. Caring about her is one of the things that actually makes me feel alive.  I keep my hopes alive because I can't lose them, why? I can't give a concrete answer, just helps me think of better days ahead.

Spooky

Ok I think I've been playing too much Resident evil lately, but my backyard looks so eerie at night, I kinda like it though, its a very "take you away" sort of experience, I love that. OoOoOoOoOoooooo lol
Maybe its because I was born in October, but I just love being scared and in freighting situations at times, I love defying the odds.

Brown Eyes

             Brown eyes, you make my heart jump out of me
       Brown eyes,my soul eagerly wanders my dreams for you
           Brown eyes, Moving on I wish it didn't have to be
              Brown eyes,You showed me what love could do
             Brown eyes,my life Was Enriched from your heart
                  Brown eyes,I lust for the taste of your lips
     Brown eyes, the feeling you gave me,lifted me from the start
             Brown eyes, your soul is the water that I long to sip
                   Brown eyes, so flirtatious with no remorse
               Brown eyes, the love you lost is not all you had
          Brown eyes,The passion I have for you is like a wild Horse
           Brown eyes, it pains my heart when I know you're sad
       Brown eyes, a gaze in them can keep me in a trans for hours
Brown eyes, in my world full of weeds,You'll always be my beautiful flower

           
        

        

Rock Steady

kinda hard to stay focused sometimes, today was a little scary earlier, my mom has reverted to a child-like state, I ask her if she's ok and she just looks at me with this sad face, I give her a hug and tell her everything is going to be ok, she tells me she's scared and shakes a little bit, I hug her tighter and kiss her on her cheek and tell her I'm here.

I went into my room and my eyes started to water a little bit, sometimes its just hard, and I get scared, I sometimes don't know what to do, I tried to keep my mind off things today with random banter at the usual place, even had a little back and fourth with El, I should call her, and talk, would she want to talk though?

I don't know if I should say this because I don't know how often she checks up on my blog, but I now purposely dream of her, I close my eyes and listen to my heart thump as I hear her voice once again say she loves me.People,including her, would probably tell me its better for me to just move on, but it helps me through the nights, I won't ever get that out of my head, because it feels so good to hear.

What awaits me tonight? Another wonderful dream with my dream girl, those beautiful big brown eyes that I find myself lost in always, I love those eyes, I can see so much love in them, so much fight, so much of a spark, even when she doesn't. Love has this stranglehold on me and I'm not fighting it, nor do I want to anymore. Always and forever 1 4 3.

Today wasn't so bad

Heh, today wasn't too bad I suppose, I have to give thanks to mugen and the crazy people on #trinitymugen for keeping me occupied on silliness rather than all the drama I have to deal with, I really love that place most times.Almost makes me feel less, alone I guess. I wrote a few sonnets about how I am feeling, even another one about my ex, why? I dunno, I just started thinking of her and started to write. I'll post them here at some point.

Sorrow becomes me.

I feel truly alone now, been so isolated lately, I found myself crying for no apparent reason other than the fact that I hate where I'm at right now.I need to make a change, but I don't know what to change, I just feel so worn out, and all I can do is sleep, and hold up my front.

I actually thought of killing myself last night,I couldn't do it, my sessions with my therapist are done until I can pay for them myself, which I can't. So now I'm stuck again, I don't know what to do, I walk outside and sit in the dark for hours, then I go to work like some sort of zombie, come home and just go back to sleep, my friends don't have time for me anymore.

I wish I wasn't so moody, I wish I wasn't me I wish I was someone who was stronger, someone who wasn't so shy, someone who wasn't some little boy afraid of living.

Anooother Day....

I slept most of the day, been feeling like shit because of my leg, and my ribs, like a bus ran me over and then had goons come out and hit me with a baseball bat. I am fighting the urge to smoke a cigarette right now, its extremely harder for some reason as the months go on. I dreamed about that life again, all day, it was wonderful, sometimes I wish I just fell into a coma and could stay there.

Meh I wonder if she even thinks about me anymore, does she miss me at all? I still miss her of course, I should call her, but what do I say? how do I conversate with her without letting out my feelings? Ah well just taking it one day at a time I suppose.

I still love you so much though.

Living in dreams

My Mood - not good?


I feel achy everywhere, my ankle is still swollen from another stupid accident at work, my sides feel like they've been stretched due to my bed, and my heart aches a bit, that's probably because I spent most of the day watching romantic movies,wasn't my intention, but the good ones really make me feel good because it lets me go back to feeling that way, then the movie is over and I realize I don't have it anymore and well it makes my heart hurt.

I'm hanging in there though I guess, sometimes I just feel like my life has no purpose, if I were to just die would it matter? would anyone other than my mother cry for me? I hate going to that place, but that's just how the day has been today, even cried earlier, sometimes I wonder if I'm really grown, or am I still just a little boy who wants love, I can't call it.

So I'll put up this front and carry on, this blog has been like my personal journal for my feelings, I don't know how I'd deal with them as much if I didn't have one. Sigh, I wish I could just find someone again, and just settle down and know my place in life, I'm tired of drifting, of just making it by, I feel so tired, I'm just so over all of this, my dreams are the best thing going in my life, sleeping is the greatest joy ever, its probably why my body hurts so much.

I had another dream about my "family" last night, I really loved it, and when I woke up I tried so hard to get back to it, but I couldn't I think it just fucked up my whole day when I couldn't but I'm so happy its time to sleep again, I do hope I have another one, I wish I could just live in this dream world,its where I want to be now. Its all I want.

The Darkness of my love

The wind blows and I embrace its comfort, I look up at the dark night and enjoy it once more, I've found myself once again in love with this darkness, its creeping back into my soul, it grabs at my heart and shields it from pain, from feeling of remorse. This darkness is me, I can no longer fight it or deny it, I will make it my light, I will make it my love, I will make it my child, I will make it my life.

I love you darkness, you always hold me so close, you never leave me, you are always there when no one else can be.I'll stay with you forever.

My heart.

I heard a song this morning on the radio that summed up how I felt for a while

"my heart's a stereo,it beats for you so listen close,
hear my thoughts in every note, Make me your radio,
turn me up when you feel low, this melody was meant
for you."


I sorta still feel that way, I know I'm supposed to move on, still trying to, but those lyrics just felt like the soundtrack to my heart atm, I read your blog this morning, and it pains me when your in such a dark place, because it means that beautiful smile that I love so much is gone, I said it on your blog but I'll say it here if you ever read this, I will always be there for you, you changed my life some, and I appreciate you giving me something no one else has given to me besides my family, and that is love. 

I will never forget that or you, ever.

Sometimes I wish my life was like an anime, that way I wouldn't have to worry about rejection and loneliness.Because I'd have 10 girls who were in love with me and could probably have them all be with me at the same time, forever.

Things aren't that easy though, and I'm stuck with this crapper of a love life, I've changed my perspective on dating now, and I think its going to hurt me, because I'm not in the "I'd bang her" mentality I'm  more in the "I'd love to have a family with her someday" area.falling in love and experiencing that I don't want to go back to where I was before,But does that fuck up how I view girls? How I view what I want?

I wish it were easier, I wish I wasn't so bashful about talking to the opposite sex, maybe things would be a lot easier if  doing that came so much easier. El was easy because we had a common interest and talking to her just felt comfortable, but what happened today with nelly is the reason I am so afraid to ask a girl out, the fear of being rejected and this time it was for being me.

I need help on this sorta thing, but my friends aren't the greatest help tbh, one of them went from sister to sister, and before that he hooked up with his other ex through my space. Another friend of mine can talk to women like its a cake walk, his smooth voice sorta helps too.Then there's my friend who basically cheats on every girl he's with and is great at opening conversations with girls, but we are totally different people, so I can't do that.

All my female friends tell me to be myself, say I'm wonderful and all that, but none of them would date me, kim, she looks at me as a brother, I had a thing for her years ago but all she ever seen me for was this funny silly guy who would always make her laugh, thats how all the girls in my life see me, none of them take me serious, am I that immature that no one wants to take me seriously?

I can't help how I am, I love to make people feel better about themselves and their days, that's why most of my friends tend to ask me to go places a lot but I turn them down. Why am I always that guy? the guy who everyone loves to be around, but not actually be with, am I looking at the wrong people? Should I change? I don't know, there's no one I can ask either, I want to ask you, because you liked me for me, and you took me seriously, but I feel if you compliment me and tell me I'm fine I'll question why we ended, and I don't want to bring that on either of us.

Sigh..... here I go, rambling again, I doubt anyone will read this,I'm so lonely, but I'm not really sad, I'm just disappointed in myself.

Rejected

well,I feel like shit, I asked out nelly today, and she politely told me she wasn't interested, I blew it off at first, but like I do always, I just kept prying, and I asked her to tell me the truth of why she wouldn't go out with me.She told me it was because I'm too immature, she said when I first told her how old I was she was shocked, she was sure I was 20 or 21, not 27 going on 28.

She then went on to tell me more on how I carry myself, and that I don't seem like a man and more like a boy, ouch did that hurt, I accepted that and moved passed it today, am I too immature?Do I need to do some growing? Maybe, I don't know, I feel like if I change some of the things she finds immature about me I'm not going to be the same person anymore, not that I would change for her but for myself, but is it something that would make things better in my life?

Times like these I miss her, I could be all immature and silly like that with EL, that was probably the best thing I loved about her, was the fact we both were silly and immature and we had fun being that way with one another. I wonder if I can call her and just be all silly with her again without getting emotionally attached to the situation. I do miss those fun silly talks we had, like the time we sang on the phone with our tone deaf selves haha.

Then again I need to move on, but does that mean changing myself too?

You wanna do what?

My Mood - Not sad, but not happy

I went to see my therapist again today, talked about my mother this time, and how it affects me, and how I feel like if I left the house everything would fall apart.I'm reminded that I am not a stone pillar, and I have to do whats best for me so I don't fall apart. Leaving may not be the right move now, but I have to realize I'm going to have to go soon.

I talked more about El, I feel like I'm moving on, but I feel no immediate closure from the situation, she asked me what kind of closure I was looking for, and that trying to go out to see her wouldn't be wise, I've thought about it, but I wouldn't want to derail whatever it is she has, plus me showing up unexpectedly now? Would just be weird.

A friend of mine on Saturday night had asked me to "make a baby" with her, by being her surrogate, that night (while being intoxicated)  I thought she just wanted to do it so I said "I'll make a baby with you" The next day she called and told me everything about it, and I was floored. Now I want to have kids some day, but this wouldn't be my kid, it would be me giving up rights and putting my "seed" in a cup, I don't know if I could be around her knowing a little me is there and not having any part in its life.

Guess that's what happens when your friends think you'd make a cute baby.

My Mood-Optimistic





Ah what can I say about today? It felt like a day of hope, I went out today, and had a deep conversation with a good friend of mine, just talked about goals and changes, and getting older, I still can't believe I'll be 28 in 2 months, She kept reminding me I'm not old, and I should not see it as getting old, but becoming "seasoned" I laugh because I remember telling her I'm not chicken lol.


My mom has been acting strange because of the pain pills she's taking, she's startled quickly and unaware of things at times, but she's doing better so that's good.I feel a little lonely, but I have hope for the future, I'm thinking of asking out nelly at some point soon, I don't know if I'm quite ready but It has been almost a month, I should try.

My Mood - Somber


Today was an ok day, my boss was being overly nit picky with me and it was irritating the shit out of me,But I know how important I am there so I just do my job and do it well.Every thing on the home front has been  alright today as well, my mom came back home this morning and is doing better,I do wish she didn't express her every little pain out loud, sometimes its really hard to hear.

All in all, I feel ok today, not great, but not bad, so I think that's fine for now.

A new Start

Last night when I was in the hospital my mother's dr suggested a psychologist for me, and even offered a few free sessions.

I went to see the psychologist today, I think it was a long time coming, But I'm glad I did.I told her everything, from not being able to let go of my ex, to feeling obligated to not leave my mother to just being over run by my emotions, to me abusing myself.

She told me to take a step back away from my emotions, as they have been running me for the last few months, and its making me make irrational choices and lash out at people (my mother, my ex, my friends) She also suggested I make a journal, I showed her this blog, and she said it was a good outlet, but I need to leave all of my emotions here, and not to get emotionally invested in them.

Just to express how I am feeling that day, and what caused me to feel the way I do.I have another session with her in another week or so. 

 She also told me something that made me mad, but it actually made so much sense, and it hurt to see it but its true, the reason I am holding on to my ex so much, is because  I want to be loved, and hurt too,it makes sense, I hate to admit that, but it did make me look back at things, all the times I thought you were going to leave me, or when I thought you were already with someone else.

Fretting the worse about my mother, or just feeling lonely or not worth anything or thinking no one cares, or I'm all alone or whatever, I can see it now, how much I wanted to just be sad.I get your whole "Its easy to love me, its hard to love you" Now.


I want to apologize to you El, You didn't deserve all the negative feelings I sent to you, I really am sorry, and I promise to never do that again, I hope you can forgive me and not shut me out, I need all the friends I can get. I want this to be a new beginning for me entirely, I'm going to try my best to make a change, for myself.

I think I'm on my way there, I feel better about myself for going there and telling my therapist everything that I haven't been able to tell other people, and seeing it from the outside it makes me look at myself different. I had a long talk with god last night, asked him for strength and patience in changing myself, I know it wont be easy, but at least now I know I'm ready to make that change.

I want to let go, You don't think I'm trying? Because I am. You told me once my pride got in the way of stuff, and its getting in my way again now, I'm jealous, I'm jealous that you've fallen in love again and have moved on, and everything seems to be falling into place for you, while I'm scraping by.

 Do you know how it feels when you feel like you don't matter to someone? when you put everything, your heart and soul and it feels like they didn't even take a second look? Is it so hard to say hi every now and then? Why is it you feel its a nightmare being my friend? you don't even talk to me!

I don't hate you, I hate what you have, you know why, and yes I need to get over it, but its only been 3 weeks, so things are still raw, You've changed my whole perception on things, its taking me a while to really come to terms with it.

That's no excuse,nor am I giving any, Your intentions are never entirely clear, because you are not always entirely clear on what you want.

You can't tell me what to do, not anymore, so don't tell me to stop. I'm so sick of your elitist attitude, You always seem to try to make me feel smaller than myself, belittling me for not knowing something as trifle as "the eyebrow thing"


Maybe I'm a bit more angry because my mom is back in the hospital again,and she might not have more than the rest of this year, and maybe I'm just angry because she's supposed to be my friend yet you never initiate a conversation with me, you don't want to be my friend you just don't want to hurt my feelings.

I think you just used me when you felt attracted to me, I was always there for you when no one else was there, You told me how I made you feel complete ,how you,how you felt like you used to feel because of me,you said all those things to me, but then you left me again to be by yourself, only to find that same thing with someone else not even a month later.

You know how much that makes me feel like I'm not good enough? like I was a waste of time for you, a mistake, something to get over your ex, I was there to take all your anger, all your resentment, all of it. I'm just an after thought to you, not even mentioned in the same light as your ex or this new one, only thing you ever wrote about me on your blog was how you were confused as to what to do with me.

I don't doubt you loved me, I just don't know if that love was just out of necessity of not wanting to be alone, I know I love you unconditionally its why I hold out hope for so long, why I do all of this, all of it, but its never enough, you never gave us a chance ever, you always got scared always.


Whatever though, I don't know anymore I tried last night to just lose myself in someone else, but all I did was talk about this. Whatever I'm tired, this hurts, and it makes me angry and it makes me cry,and I feel like how I feel is a one way road, that no one else has wants to drive on, it was just a wrong turn, and now they've found their way back to their own highway, as if this one way was never even there.......

I am getting drunker than I have gotten in a long while, and I am going to pick up some one at the bar, I'm done with this whole looking for love and all that shit, its a waste of time anyway. You end up getting run over in the end.

So I'm going back to what I did before her, before this summer, and that's fucking older women because that's who wants me, and thats who don't play games with me and tug at me and fall for someone a week after they break up with you, who fucking does that?! oh yea you do that.

Fuck you

Fuck you, I hate you so much, you're going to fuck it up like you do all your relationships, because you have to sabotage everything, write me off like I'm not even worth your time anymore, yet you said you'd always love me and be my friend, you don't say a fucking word to me outside of that channel.

You're never satisfied, You can't even stay happy long enough by yourself, you use love as a crutch its your own little drug, and you abuse the people you use that love on, look what you did to me, but do you care? No. you don't ask to see how I'm doing you don't bother to say anything, so fuck you, God I can't believe I feel so much hurt over you, this fucking sucks.

You suck, I still love you so much, but now I feel so fucking angry, and so fucking let down I'm not sad at all fuck feeling sad, I'm done with that, just, fuck you. 

Acceptance and Appreciation

Today has been good, the girls at work had a cutest guy voting or something it had been going on for a while, and I tied for first.My ego got a little swelled from it, but I realize there isn't much of a competition.

I had another dream last night, when I woke up I was fine though, I've kinda learned to accept them now.I love them and cherish every one I have, I don't know how long they'll last so I should enjoy them now. I actually seen a girl on the bus who looked somewhat like the daughter I had with her, she had pigtails and was so cute, I smiled at her when she looked back at me and she smiled back.

I asked nelly if she voted for me, and she told me yes, I was kinda shocked by it, I used to have a crush on her but I thought she didn't think much of me, she was always nice but I think I always came off immature to her, but that doesn't mean she doesn't think I'm cute. Her El Salvadorian accent is so cute.

:3

I can't escape these dreams no matter how hard I try, I keep having them every time I sleep, EVERY TIME. why is this still happening? Why do I find myself crying? I am not going to sleep, not until I figure out why I cant stop dreaming of her in some form or another. this time it was me chasing her, she didn't even seem to notice me, but I kept running and running and she kept getting farther away.

This isn't supposed to be about just her, that's not what this is for,I have been doing fine when I'm awake and everything has been going ok,  but when I fall asleep I can't stop what my heart is yearning for, I think she sorta broke me, all those times telling me she loved me over and over I can't get it out of my head......I can hear it now.

Fuck,all this new territory I've been entering with falling in love and then having my heart broken. I Don't know if it was such a good time for it,I was already at a somewhat emotional high from everything with my mother, now this. My eyes are so puffy from crying I haven't cried like this in a long time, I feel weak for not being able to pull myself through this, I kinda hate myself for it.

Love is so tricky, and I have become its play thing.

Dreams of The Hearts Desire.

I have been having what seems to be the same ongoing dream, this family that I've somehow created in my dreams, its there still every night I try not to think of it too much, but again I find myself back in this same scenario.They aren't bad dreams,They are what my heart truly desires,love and a family, and it just happens to be my ex whose the catalyst.

I'm afraid to go to sleep at times now, because when I wake I just get sad again, I had an amazingly wonderful dream last night. We took the kids out to the Forest, as I drive us, I see her tending to the two kids being mischievous in the back "Anne!" she yells out "Yes Mommy?" She says in an innocent tone "Stop messing around with your brother" her looks says she's serious, but at the same time its still very much loving, "I'm not doing anything!"She quickly turns her head away to avoid eye contact. "You're just like your father, unaware of anything"

She says as she gives out a small sigh. The boy looks out the window "Mommy look!" as he points to a group of deer off in the distance, we all stop to look at them I take a moment back and look at them all watching, I have never felt this happy before, it feels so real its something I've always wanted for as long as I can remember.

I woke up then, realized it was just a dream and I cried a little, As I whisper your name out. I cry myself back to sleep to once again find myself with my family.We've made it to the park, the run over to the lake to see the sights, I grab your hand and pick up our boy,Wyatt. We spent the whole day there just enjoying each other, I never had dreams that felt so real and relaxed like this.Both kids in your lap asleep as you lean your head on my shoulder.I can feel a kiss on my cheek "I'm so happy to be with you Junior, I am so happy for these kids you've blessed me with" she says as she gazes into my eyes."I'm the one who's blessed to have all of you, This is all I've ever wanted El," I tell her.

We just sit there for a while, looking into each other, enjoying what we've given ourselves what we've allowed ourselves to have.My heart starts to flutter and before I can kiss her I wake up."NO" I yelled out, that night, last night, I ended up waking up at 11 pm only an hour, after I fell asleep, but the dream it felt a lot longer,I was scared to go back to sleep, I ended up staying up till 3 am, finally falling asleep.

I found myself in another dream about my family here,its not as long, but its just as precious as the rest,We're home, and just sitting on the couch watching tv together.Everything, felt so real, from the warmth of your cute little nose snuggling on my neck, to our kids laying on my legs, I can feel it all. As I write this, I'm starting to get water eyed again, I think I enjoy sleeping and my dream life more than this real one, everything is where I want it to be, where it should be there.

Is it wrong that all I want to do is sleep and dream of her and them? Is it wrong that I wake up and cry when I realize its not real? Whats to say its not? I don't know sometimes. This summer has changed me,YOU have changed me, I wish I could give you those children, and all of our love, I want it more than anything in the world, how long will this take? If you read this, can you tell me? Can you help me?

Most times I'm ok, But I can't stop these dreams, and I kinda don't want to, Its just so frustrating,everyday when I walk over the bridge on my way to work, there's a horizon, that leads out to wherever is beyond where I am, I tend to find myself every day looking out towards you. I didn't think it was going to be this tough, I will always carry a torch for you, the fire I have for you will not die, I can't stop it, I don't know when I'll be able to just want someone else, but right now I don't I don't want anyone but you.

Addicted

I find myself addicted to Romantic movies and anime's. every time I see the passion and emotion these people show for one another and when they say "I Love you" I get this unbelievably beautiful feeling, Because I've felt this before, I can't really stop doing it now, sometimes when its really good my eyes get watery and I go blank.

Who am I kidding when I say I don't want companionship, I have become addicted to love, I want it again, and I yearn for it,my heart is crying for it as much as my soul is. This stuff is really hard, I miss her so god damn MUCH right now,I'll keep to my movies for now.

I'll always be around

I talked to you, wasn't long, it saddens me when you're down. I want you to know you can talk to me if you want about anything. I promise to put being a friend before being an ex,but you'd have to talk to me though. I just want you to know I'll always be around if you want to talk about anything.

Still Dreaming

Wow another dream about her again.Why do I have so many dreams about her. I called you yesterday, but you never picked up, I wanted to hear your voice again, is it wrong that I call you when I think of you?

Crazy Night

Holy shit what a night, A friend at work offered to have me come with him to a local punk band playing in san fran, I decided to go and it wasn't what I expected it to be,well entirely anyway, the building it was in was so small, and there was barely any fans or AC going around so it was entirely hot and humid,Blinded by dark red lights and a lot of coke and I'm pretty sure some heroin users as well.


The band didn't even seem entirely too punk imo, my friend thought so too, he didn't know who was playing for sure when he told me. His roommate gave him tickets and he had no one else to ask.one of his friends was there and she had her friend with her, so we sorta hung out while we were there,I think they both were on coke though, her friend was sniffing a lot, they were both pretty hot though, but I don't mess with chicks on stuff. I learned a hard lesson once upon a time.

I did have fun though, steve is a blast to hang out with, he's the coolest person I know.
.

I hate tests....

Today Kinda sucked, felt like I was being tested, everywhere I went I seen couples and it seemed I couldn't run away from all the lovey dovey music on the radio either, made me think about her sooo much, first thing I think about when I think of her is her eyes, always those eyes, and her smile, I don't think I've enjoyed someone's smile as much as I do hers, it still warms my heart visioning it, I still love you so much El.

My stars

After what happened last night, I feel more determined then ever to make my own destiny, to choose my own path of happiness and to not allow myself to succumb to all of the sadness that is wallowing up inside. I know I don't want companionship right now, there was only one person I wanted that from and I can't get that from her.Does thinking about that make me sad? Yes it does at times, but its not going to end me.

I made up my mind, that first and foremost I need to make sure I can love myself, and treat myself with the respect I deserve and its time for me to take more of a responsibility for the bad actions I choose to make, instead of just complaining about them I am going to do something.

As of now, I don't entirely know for sure what all is in store for what I need to do, I sometimes feel like I might need to leave a community I've been apart of for nearly a decade, I love it a lot, but sometimes I feel like I'm obligated to it, to finish what I started, I will finish that, but I think from there I might have to say goodbye to everything.

It's a sad thing to realize, but I need to move on and grow up some, I am 27 and I will be 28 in about 2 months,I'm not that 17 year old boy who was so different from his family and friends that he decided to escape from them into another world and place, I met a lot of great people in this community, met people I feel closer to than I do with some of my family.

I even managed to fall in love, I could write a whole story about my life in this community, But I think I use it too much as a way to escape whats out here, what I'm afraid of so much,I am an extremely shy person and the internet helped me fix that at times, But I need to do it on my own, no matter how nervous and afraid I am of meeting people outside of my own little world.

I stayed out last night in my backyard, looking at all the stars, they are so far away, but no matter the distance you can still see them, you know they are there, and you know they always will be.Sometimes I wonder if you'll be there always, I wonder if all the people who love and care about me will be there to shine on me like these stars do,they might not always be the brightest light, and they may fall sometimes, but I will always be grateful to those beautiful lights that help me shine in this dark.


I love you all.

I called, it was good hearing her voice again, even for how brief I decided to talk,I still miss her alot,but I'm doing ok.

I woke and don't feel all that great today, guess its one of those days.