He's falling, drowning deeper and deeper into the sorrow filled darkness. A hand reaches up for him, he grabs a hold, he feels a feeling he's never felt before.His heart is full, he feels the warmth she has given him. He feels himself raising up back to light,but then she lets go.He falls further and further quicker.He then see's more hands grabbing and reaching for him, he holds on to them, but instead of them pulling him up he's pulling them down.
He makes the only choice he feels to save those around him, he lets go.As he falls deeper and deeper his face is full of tears, soaked from the heartache and trials that have dragged him down, he once again see's her hand reaching out for him, the feeling this time is warm, but its concern as well, he lets go.He continues to fall, she watches as he sinks.There's nothing more she can do to help him, she's tried but he's just let go.
He continues to fall, with no end in sight, he can no longer see anything reaching for him, he's fallen so deep that everything around him is just dark.Sorrow, hate, regret,resentment fill his heart.As he tries to make his way back up through capsules of "happiness" they don't raise him up, they just keep him afloat.His heart is breaking, his soul is slowing dying, he holds on to the memories of what brought him above the sea of sorrow.They work as his raft as he makes his way through the vast nothingness of this sorrow.
He's close to giving in, close to just letting himself fall all the way down,something is tugging at him to stay above he can hear the voices cry out for him needing his help,needing his strength.He questions if he has any left, if his strength is worth anything, he falls further,slowly,he is tired, he is beaten, he is without resolution.
Drowning.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Just So fucking hard
I am not sure how strong I am, all of this, has tested me beyond I thought possible, this wasn't part of her illness this wasn't supposed to happen.Yesterday my mom wakes up, no idea where she is, thinking she still lives in Oakland with her sisters and family.She walks around, looks, see's me, she has no idea who I am "Mom?" she has no response "Mom are you ok?" She looks at me as if she never seen me before in her life "Who the hell are you" she responds, my heart drops, I don't know how to respond.
I go to find my sister and tell her something is wrong.
"Mom whats going on?" my sister says, she looks at her and says "lenora is that you?" she thinks my sister is one of her sisters, "No I'm your daughter carrie" "I don't have kids" she says quickly with a bit of anger.My eyes are watering, my palms sweaty my knees shake,for the first time in a long time, I am absolutely lost as to what to say at all.I just walk out, I went to the garage and I cried, my sister came and hugged me and let me know she loves me but something just went wrong today.
The mixture of all the meds she's been taking has caused something in her brain to regress back to an earlier time in her life.I wasn't prepared for this, I wasn't prepared for any of this, but this is just too much, I left the house that day and didn't return till later today, her memory slowly comes back, she remembers me vaguely.Sometimes I'm my father, sometimes I'm me.
She cries and tells me she's sorry, but its not her fault, its this damn situation its everything else.The pain killers I've been taking for my ribs seem to be the only thing that makes me happy right now. I seclude myself from everyone because I don't want to drag them down with me, its not fair to keep throwing my problems on them and everything.So I'll stay alone with all this, my pain killers being my only friends right now. I miss the old me, but he's gone, and I don't think he's coming back anytime soon.
Goodbye Neocide.
I go to find my sister and tell her something is wrong.
"Mom whats going on?" my sister says, she looks at her and says "lenora is that you?" she thinks my sister is one of her sisters, "No I'm your daughter carrie" "I don't have kids" she says quickly with a bit of anger.My eyes are watering, my palms sweaty my knees shake,for the first time in a long time, I am absolutely lost as to what to say at all.I just walk out, I went to the garage and I cried, my sister came and hugged me and let me know she loves me but something just went wrong today.
The mixture of all the meds she's been taking has caused something in her brain to regress back to an earlier time in her life.I wasn't prepared for this, I wasn't prepared for any of this, but this is just too much, I left the house that day and didn't return till later today, her memory slowly comes back, she remembers me vaguely.Sometimes I'm my father, sometimes I'm me.
She cries and tells me she's sorry, but its not her fault, its this damn situation its everything else.The pain killers I've been taking for my ribs seem to be the only thing that makes me happy right now. I seclude myself from everyone because I don't want to drag them down with me, its not fair to keep throwing my problems on them and everything.So I'll stay alone with all this, my pain killers being my only friends right now. I miss the old me, but he's gone, and I don't think he's coming back anytime soon.
Goodbye Neocide.
Monday, September 26, 2011
The greatest thing I can never overcome
A friend of mine offered to let me stay at his cabin while I recovered from the incident last week, I stayed the weekend over there in santa cruz and came back today,I had a lot of time to just sit and think and enjoy nature.I thought a lot about my mom,what I'm going to do when she passes, and this summer.
As I sat in this beautiful backyard surrounded by giant tree's and a small lake, I thought to myself in the 27 years and 11 months I've been on this earth, what has been the greatest thing to happen to me?I thought long and looked back on it,I think about more recent things at first, like when me, my mom and sisters finally moved out of the horrible place we stayed at for 21 years and finally into a house, then I go back further to when I got my building and maintenance Degree,then even further to when I first was able to live with my dad.No matter what event I looked back on more and more only one really makes me feel extremely good to this day.
May 19th 2011,That was the day,When I knew what it was to be in love, To spend all night talking about nothing and everything.To actually feel your heart pop out of your chest from the thought of the person.To knowing who you are entirely brings happiness to someone else.I really thought about this long, and I realized there is nothing greater that I have gone through than that.I remember saying out loud after realizing it,
"I am never going to get over her....ever."
Yea I probably sound like a broken record, I don't care,I'm done trying to fight it,or bury it or just to move on past it, because I can't. I accept it for what it is and live my life beyond it.If I think about it too much though I do get a bit sad.In my delusional mind I feel like we were really meant for each other,I feel like anything else I have in my life or anything she has, is just second to what we would have with one another. Of course I could be entirely wrong, but I could be right as well.
I hope the day comes I can experience what we had again,it'll never be the same but the feeling will be.I just hope it doesn't take me another 27 years.
As I sat in this beautiful backyard surrounded by giant tree's and a small lake, I thought to myself in the 27 years and 11 months I've been on this earth, what has been the greatest thing to happen to me?I thought long and looked back on it,I think about more recent things at first, like when me, my mom and sisters finally moved out of the horrible place we stayed at for 21 years and finally into a house, then I go back further to when I got my building and maintenance Degree,then even further to when I first was able to live with my dad.No matter what event I looked back on more and more only one really makes me feel extremely good to this day.
May 19th 2011,That was the day,When I knew what it was to be in love, To spend all night talking about nothing and everything.To actually feel your heart pop out of your chest from the thought of the person.To knowing who you are entirely brings happiness to someone else.I really thought about this long, and I realized there is nothing greater that I have gone through than that.I remember saying out loud after realizing it,
"I am never going to get over her....ever."
Yea I probably sound like a broken record, I don't care,I'm done trying to fight it,or bury it or just to move on past it, because I can't. I accept it for what it is and live my life beyond it.If I think about it too much though I do get a bit sad.In my delusional mind I feel like we were really meant for each other,I feel like anything else I have in my life or anything she has, is just second to what we would have with one another. Of course I could be entirely wrong, but I could be right as well.
I hope the day comes I can experience what we had again,it'll never be the same but the feeling will be.I just hope it doesn't take me another 27 years.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Getting Away
I got paid and decided to take a trip to San Francisco today. Went walking around on the pier, and ended up on the beach for a few hours, it was pretty empty so I had a few hours to myself. I just needed to get away from everything for a while, and think about where I need to go. I don't think I did, but I was able to clear my mind there. I've always loved the vastness of the sea how it seems endless.In awe of the gigantic waves I wondered if I got swept into them would I find myself in a new place? Able to start all over again, but then I remembered this isn't a movie.
Limbo
How long does it take to truly get over your first love? I know I still am not over her, I've accepted where we stand but by no means am I over her, I write this now after waking up from a most wonderful dream about her again, when I woke up I felt a bit bummed out but eh life goes on. I don't think I'll ever really get over her like ever, and I probably won't feel like moving on until I finally meet someone again. Which I don't see happening with my mannerisms lately.
So, is it ok for me to stay in limbo like this? Still holding on to the first women to ever love me. I still see her face and hear her angelic voice when I think about her.Sometimes I have to fight back my tears when I relive the moments of her saying she loves me. I would give anything in the world to have her be in love with me again, but I can't force her to, so I'll just stay here, not moving on, not really dwelling just sorta stuck in between.
So, is it ok for me to stay in limbo like this? Still holding on to the first women to ever love me. I still see her face and hear her angelic voice when I think about her.Sometimes I have to fight back my tears when I relive the moments of her saying she loves me. I would give anything in the world to have her be in love with me again, but I can't force her to, so I'll just stay here, not moving on, not really dwelling just sorta stuck in between.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Trying
Today, I tried to stay upbeat, my mood has been somber for most of the day. Can't do too much moving, it still hurts to breath thanks to the broken ribs.The pain killers have made me all loopy and a bit slow, talked to my sister today. I'm a bit envious of her since she and her boyfriend have become a lot closer, he told her "where have you been all my life" I'm happy for her, but at the same time I want that, I thought I had that. No I did have that. I would like it again, but I won't let the fact I don't make me sad.
My mom is doing a bit better today, that's something to be happy about, its hard to keep happy with all the bad choices I have made in the last few weeks.I am trying though, I still feel so lonely, but its probably my own fault.
My mom is doing a bit better today, that's something to be happy about, its hard to keep happy with all the bad choices I have made in the last few weeks.I am trying though, I still feel so lonely, but its probably my own fault.
Starry thoughts
I stayed out in my backyard all night last night, staring at the sky, looking at the stars, they are really visible here. so many, wondering if there was anyone looking back at me. I looked up into the sky and just asked god to help, help me find direction, help me find someone, help me be more than this. As I sat in my chair staring off into the distance I just became lost in thought in my mind, and before I knew it, I fell asleep and the sun had arisen.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I can't even go to the places I want to because I feel like all I'm going to do is drag people down with my demeanor, I continue to shut myself out, escaping into my mind where everything I ever wanted is there, she's there, my life is good, my mother is healthy my nephew isn't stealing from me, I have control over my emotions everything is just where it should be.
I wake up and I'm here, she's not, my mother is dying more and more every day, my nephew is not picking up his phone because he knows what I want, and my emotions are still dictating how my life shifts.I want to sleep and never wake up, I want to live in the dreams that make me a father, that make me the greatest son, and brother and person that I can be.
Why do I have to escape why is it so hard for me to be strong? Why do I have to turn myself into this pity fueled lifeless sack of shit that I have become. I really hate who I am.
I wake up and I'm here, she's not, my mother is dying more and more every day, my nephew is not picking up his phone because he knows what I want, and my emotions are still dictating how my life shifts.I want to sleep and never wake up, I want to live in the dreams that make me a father, that make me the greatest son, and brother and person that I can be.
Why do I have to escape why is it so hard for me to be strong? Why do I have to turn myself into this pity fueled lifeless sack of shit that I have become. I really hate who I am.
I just don't know.
I've told myself that things will get better, I told myself that over and over, I find myself falling deeper and deeper into things I shouldn't be. My direction is lost, my will is minimal, I keep secluding myself from everyone. Last night was a bad idea,my whole body aches, my soul hurts,I feel so broken, I'm here for my mom, but thats all I seem to be here for.
The other night,she was so scared, crying in my arms, how she didn't want to die,I just comfort her, she cried on my shoulder all night, I fell asleep with her sleeping on my shoulder, I'm going to miss her when she's gone, but I need to make sure she's knows I'm ok when she's left, but I don't know how to.
I feel lonely, and unloved, I feel like I'm just withering away like her cancer, I wish I could snap my finger and just remove all the pain, all the hate,all the guilt,all the resentment.I don't like this I don't like losing myself to grief and feeling sorry, I am an upbeat person, and I have lost that over this summer, I don't blame it on what happened with my ex, she only wanted me to be happy, she did that with taking me back when she still had feelings for someone else. Its just I feel like I'm heading down a path I don't think I'll come back from.
Feeling ignored, feeling invisible, feeling like no matter what I want to do it doesn't matter, I just don't know.
The other night,she was so scared, crying in my arms, how she didn't want to die,I just comfort her, she cried on my shoulder all night, I fell asleep with her sleeping on my shoulder, I'm going to miss her when she's gone, but I need to make sure she's knows I'm ok when she's left, but I don't know how to.
I feel lonely, and unloved, I feel like I'm just withering away like her cancer, I wish I could snap my finger and just remove all the pain, all the hate,all the guilt,all the resentment.I don't like this I don't like losing myself to grief and feeling sorry, I am an upbeat person, and I have lost that over this summer, I don't blame it on what happened with my ex, she only wanted me to be happy, she did that with taking me back when she still had feelings for someone else. Its just I feel like I'm heading down a path I don't think I'll come back from.
Feeling ignored, feeling invisible, feeling like no matter what I want to do it doesn't matter, I just don't know.
The reactions to my actions
yesterday was one of the scariest days of my life, I went out with a friend to a bar, and it turns out one of my sister's ex's friends were there, I didn't pay any attention to him I was trying to get over all of the bad choices I've made recently, as we were leaving, we seemed to be getting followed, turned out it seems he called some friends and they joined him there, before I knew it I was in another fight, outnumbered I chose to run.
My friend didn't make it too far so I went back to help him, once I tried to help him I was stabbed in my knee, I fell to the ground and was repeatedly kick in the ribs and back they left my friend alone long enough for him to call the police, someone heard the commotion and scared the guys away by yelling. By then I had blacked out, I woke up on a stretcher on my way to the hospital.
I didn't have them call anyone from my house because its not going to help anyone to know this situation, I spent all night in the hospital, and was released an hour ago, my knee still hurts as does my side, seeing as how I have three broken ribs. I know this is all my fault for the bad choices I started to make the first time I went over to my sister's ex and gave into my rage.
I thought I was going to die last night, my friend filled out a police report as I didn't get a good look at the guys, I know there was at least 6 of them. There is a reaction to every negative action I choose, this is probably the biggest one ever, things are really bad right now, in more ways than one.
My friend didn't make it too far so I went back to help him, once I tried to help him I was stabbed in my knee, I fell to the ground and was repeatedly kick in the ribs and back they left my friend alone long enough for him to call the police, someone heard the commotion and scared the guys away by yelling. By then I had blacked out, I woke up on a stretcher on my way to the hospital.
I didn't have them call anyone from my house because its not going to help anyone to know this situation, I spent all night in the hospital, and was released an hour ago, my knee still hurts as does my side, seeing as how I have three broken ribs. I know this is all my fault for the bad choices I started to make the first time I went over to my sister's ex and gave into my rage.
I thought I was going to die last night, my friend filled out a police report as I didn't get a good look at the guys, I know there was at least 6 of them. There is a reaction to every negative action I choose, this is probably the biggest one ever, things are really bad right now, in more ways than one.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Fuck You
Fuck you, you've taken away so much from her that its made her into a child, you wither away her liver to where she can't live without pain, you have no cure, you do not stop, you just wither, and you destroy what I love. you are slowly taking away the one person who always believes in me, even when I lose faith in myself. Fuck you, you evil disease you ruin families, you destroy dreams you eliminate happiness.
If I could I would take her burden and shoulder it ten fold, I fucking hate you, you take away her natural ability to breath completely on her own, you take away her spirit you take away everything, and all I can give you is my hate, my tears, my sorrow, Fuck you cancer why won't you just leave us alone.
If I could I would take her burden and shoulder it ten fold, I fucking hate you, you take away her natural ability to breath completely on her own, you take away her spirit you take away everything, and all I can give you is my hate, my tears, my sorrow, Fuck you cancer why won't you just leave us alone.
Unburied memories
well last night I had a pleasant dream about my ex, I don't know where it came from, as I haven't really talked to her since my incident with my sister's ex's friends,but the dream was nice, we were on a beach just staring at the ocean nothing else there, just engulfed in the vastness of it all. I lay my head on her lap, she caresses my head with her hand, she tells me "It'll all work out in the end" that's all that's said, I sit and gaze into the endless depths of this ocean, I can see a wave getting bigger and bigger, it's coming at us, But she smiles the wave comes and we're unharmed.
I wake up, I don't know what to think from this dream,I woke up and wasn't depressed about the news I had heard the day before, I found myself waking up and marching forward, maybe it means no matter how big the waves get or how much you feel you may drown, they'll pass in time, and you'll be fine if you have faith in yourself in those around you. I guess that's what it meant.
I wake up, I don't know what to think from this dream,I woke up and wasn't depressed about the news I had heard the day before, I found myself waking up and marching forward, maybe it means no matter how big the waves get or how much you feel you may drown, they'll pass in time, and you'll be fine if you have faith in yourself in those around you. I guess that's what it meant.
Wanting to be Wanted
So I sit here, alone and I wonder, do I continue to want this? I don't think so, right now its just an easy way out, easy to just escape and stay secluded here, from people,from work,from well, life.I miss being wanted by someone, I miss someone being in love with me, I miss waking up and thinking of someone in that manner and being so happy.
I just wish I was wanted, I feel like I'll never find that again, maybe your only entitled to it once, and I blew my one and only shot.I hate the choices we have to face in life, none of them seem fair.
I just wish I was wanted, I feel like I'll never find that again, maybe your only entitled to it once, and I blew my one and only shot.I hate the choices we have to face in life, none of them seem fair.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
My Own Acceptance
This possibly the hardest weekend I've ever dealt with, and after saying that,I've come to terms with losing her finally, we don't know when she'll go, it could be tonight, it could be tomorrow it could be a month from now. I've come with terms with losing her, its never an easy thing but its something I have to accept. I try not to talk about it because it just I don't want to.
I've escaped from everything I can, rarely going on to the places I normally would frequent, I just feel alone somewhat, and I think that's where I'll stay for a while, its easier to negate any pain I feel from losing those I care about.
I've escaped from everything I can, rarely going on to the places I normally would frequent, I just feel alone somewhat, and I think that's where I'll stay for a while, its easier to negate any pain I feel from losing those I care about.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
for every action a reaction
well what happened the other day came back to haunt me, I went to my sisters to pick up her stuff and her boyfriend had some friends over, he wasn't there, but I let myself in, grabbed her stuff and as I left, they began to surround me and talk in spanish, then one came and hit with something glass like, I swung hitting one and the other two swarmed in and took me to the ground.
I covered my face and was instantly kicked in the ribs and back, they stopped for a bit and I got up, as I ran to the door I was stabbed in the hand, it grazed me and I left. I should've known my consequences would be severe for losing my cool, I knew he had friends in gangs, one of them might have been his brother, my sister finally convinced by myself and my other sister to press charges on him.
He sent me a vulgar text implying I should watch myself, or I might not last long,I'm not afraid of him or his friends, but I have my family to look after, so like someone told me I need to think of them, and get my priorities in order.
I covered my face and was instantly kicked in the ribs and back, they stopped for a bit and I got up, as I ran to the door I was stabbed in the hand, it grazed me and I left. I should've known my consequences would be severe for losing my cool, I knew he had friends in gangs, one of them might have been his brother, my sister finally convinced by myself and my other sister to press charges on him.
He sent me a vulgar text implying I should watch myself, or I might not last long,I'm not afraid of him or his friends, but I have my family to look after, so like someone told me I need to think of them, and get my priorities in order.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Losing control of my life
Well I've lost all control, last night my ex let me have it, called me scum, to go fuck myself, that we'd never be friends, ok fine. I tried, I fucked up badly too much for any sort of forgiveness even though I doubt the only people who read what I said were the people she actually showed the post to. I don't deserve her forgiveness and I won't try anymore to plead or live the lie of thinking we can be friends, its time to officially just cut ties with her for good completely.
my sister was seriously hurt by her boyfriend last night, he slammed her face against the wall, knocking out some of her teeth and bruising her face badly, I went over with her and my other sister to get her things, he was there,talking shit and I just lost all control, frustrated with my mom's situation, with how my ex just coldly wrote me off, even after all the times I've forgiven her, and this thing with my sister just pushed me over the edge, I punched him right in the face, over and over again. I would've killed him if my sisters didn't get me off of him.
I'm done caring about everything though, I'm so burnt out, I've taken some more pain killers today to kill this sorrow I have, over everything. I deserve what has happened to me, I brought it upon myself by letting my anger get to me and writing what I did, I deserve to go to jail for what happened because I should've been the bigger person and not let him get to me.
I can't change me, I don't know where to start, I just want to have a drama free life, but that won't happen I have to accept that. I have to accept that the only girl I've ever loved will never love me again, and will hate me for the rest of my life, she probably wishes I died, maybe I'll grant her that wish.
my sister was seriously hurt by her boyfriend last night, he slammed her face against the wall, knocking out some of her teeth and bruising her face badly, I went over with her and my other sister to get her things, he was there,talking shit and I just lost all control, frustrated with my mom's situation, with how my ex just coldly wrote me off, even after all the times I've forgiven her, and this thing with my sister just pushed me over the edge, I punched him right in the face, over and over again. I would've killed him if my sisters didn't get me off of him.
I'm done caring about everything though, I'm so burnt out, I've taken some more pain killers today to kill this sorrow I have, over everything. I deserve what has happened to me, I brought it upon myself by letting my anger get to me and writing what I did, I deserve to go to jail for what happened because I should've been the bigger person and not let him get to me.
I can't change me, I don't know where to start, I just want to have a drama free life, but that won't happen I have to accept that. I have to accept that the only girl I've ever loved will never love me again, and will hate me for the rest of my life, she probably wishes I died, maybe I'll grant her that wish.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Acceptance
Today I had to tell my mom the trip to caramel can't happen because her liver has gotten a lot worse, she actually took the news better than I thought she would and she told me to be happy from now on, no more tears, no more worrying no more sad face, so I will do that for her, I'll be as happy and as positive as I can be.
Thank you mom for being so strong now, and not being afraid and accepting the shitty fate that has been put on you. You set a great example for me.
Thank you mom for being so strong now, and not being afraid and accepting the shitty fate that has been put on you. You set a great example for me.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Making changes for the better
My other sister came over, and brought my niece and nephew, my other nephew (my oldest sister's son) brought his son (my great nephew, god that makes me feel old.) and we kicked off my mom's birthday weekend, tomorrow is the day, and hopefully I can get the guys at #Trinitymugen to sing happy birthday if she's here when I get home from work (my sisters usually take her out, and I do something with her when she comes back).
I secluded myself in my own stuff, mainly I hate to say it.... Mugen.Now, after being with her, I want that again now, I don't want to go back to how I was for a LONG time, thats why my progress with mugen has slowed down, I have been kinda trying to work my way up to asking out a girl I work with, I have no idea if she'd go out with me or not, I always feel sorta bad because I don't have a car,(one of the many reasons I loved being with my ex, didn't have to worry about this!) But I'm not gonna let that stop me.
I secluded myself in my own stuff, mainly I hate to say it.... Mugen.Now, after being with her, I want that again now, I don't want to go back to how I was for a LONG time, thats why my progress with mugen has slowed down, I have been kinda trying to work my way up to asking out a girl I work with, I have no idea if she'd go out with me or not, I always feel sorta bad because I don't have a car,(one of the many reasons I loved being with my ex, didn't have to worry about this!) But I'm not gonna let that stop me.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Support that I never thought I had
After the financial problem I've encountered today I just witnessed how much people care about me, It brought me to tears, twice, these people I now see as family, although I haven't met them they will all hold a special place in my heart, thanks all of you guys really, you don't know how much it means to me, and my family.
This, also helped me really get over my ex, I have so many people that care about me that her not there, doesn't matter anymore.
This, also helped me really get over my ex, I have so many people that care about me that her not there, doesn't matter anymore.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
This face
I realized what I have to do, and I started to cry because I know I have to let go, this face is a reminder, of how I don't want to feel anymore, how much lingering hurts. This face will remind me how much it hurts to just dwell on all of this for so long. Those tears are dried now, but they still soak my cheeks.
Telling the truth Entirely
"The walls fall, I sink deeper into the ground, looking for a way out, I feed on my sorrow, relishing in it, I tell myself I have to let go, but I don't want to, changing my mind every other day, thinking of what I shouldn't anymore, I'm losing it, maybe I am psycho, maybe I am mentally broken, I'll drown it all in this ocean of abyss sinking further and further, not wanting pity, just wanting to find a purpose, wanting to be special to someone, wanting to be something much more than I am."
I have to let go, have to bury it all, have to move forward to gain some kind of life, but I'm too weak to. I see that, I won't talk about any of this to anyone anymore, my feelings have become unhealthy, I'm losing my will to do anything anymore, why has this beaten me so? I use the word "coward" but I'm a hypocrite. I'm the coward, too afraid to move on, I lie about there being others, about being wanted by someone else, but its just to hide the fact that I have nothing.
I have to come clean about everything, there was no comic girl, there was no lupe, it was just to cover the fact that I had moved on when I didn't because I'm such a loser that when one girl falls in love with me I feel like I wont ever need another one again, I lied about kissing my friend last night I didn't even see them, I went to liquor store and bought some vodka and just walked around and got drunk.
I've never told anyone this, not even the friends I have left now, I've had sex once in my life, and it was to a girl in a wheelchair, that's how sad I am, I was 22.
I never thought in my life a girl would ever love me, I always felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone, I've only had one other girlfriend in my life and that was when I was 14, she left me for my friend when I went to visit my dad for the summer, when I came back she did nothing but ridicule me talk about my dirty clothes,and how poor I was. Even spitting on me, and throwing rocks.
I was always picked on by my friends, I wet the bed till I was 14, I had to wear a potty pager, that my sister made fun of me with, and showed all her friends, I used to have a problem going to the bathroom, meaning I'd shit my pants, and my friends would laugh at me, when I got older they'd make me fight them, because I was never big on fighting they'd push me around and make fun of me, the girls we'd hang around seen this and would make fun of me as well.
when I was 11 I was sent to a psych ward because I would hurt myself at home, my mother was afraid for me and she sent me there, I went to live with my dad afterwards, he was never there for me, he would leave me at my school till 8pm at night and just forget about me.His Wife at the time hated me as well, would whoop me with a ruler and belittle me while my dad did nothing.
When I got to high school I was back home with my mom, I had no new clothes, I wore the same clothes I had from jr high, I was fat, had no friends and started smoking weed, I tried killing myself in my sophmore year by standing in front of a train,some kids at school got me out of the way but from there on I was shunned by the whole school.
I missed months of school back then when I came back no one even noticed, eventually I dropped out and got my GED.From there I worked at retail jobs, I let my friends influence me and I quit my job, from the time I was 17 to the time I was 20 I basically did nothing but get into trouble, I let my friends influence me and I paid the price for it, I watched a friend of mine bleed out and die.
When I was 7 my mother found a new boyfriend, who happened to be my dad's step brother, this is something else I've never told anyone, he would come into my room late at night and abuse me physically and sexually, he'd touch me and make me touch him, when I didn't he would punch me, or kick me. He eventually died from an aneurism, he also gave my mom HIV.
My father, was a drug addict, I watched him OD on heroin twice as a kid, and sat by while my uncle brought him back to life.My grandfather would hit my grandmother all the time, I never knew about it till I witnessed it first hand.
I found out my father had AIDS when I was 11 as well, his wife decided to leave him to himself and I was there to help him overcome everything, even getting his health back together. Years later, my dad fell back into his drugs and alcohol even faking his death this year to hide his drug binge.
I watched my uncle get shot and die when two drug dealers tried to rob him, his kids, (my cousins) were there with me.
Why do I want to say all of this now? Because I feel I don't know me anymore, I lie so much so I don't have to tell the truth that I sometimes don't know whats real and whats not.I also want people to know why I am how I am, why its so hard to move on, because I honestly feel like I'll never find anyone else who'll love me. I'm so sorry lisa for being such a jerk, and not nearly man enough for you.
last night I sat here and looked at a picture of you, and kissed it ya I know, I'm crazy I need to move on, I need to bury everything, I will, I just never got a chance to kiss you, and I decided before I let you go, that I'd get one kiss even if its not real.
I'm not worth the air I breathe. I talk as if I don't want pity yet everything I say screams of it, so lost, for so long, even before her, before the cancer, before everything I've always been lost, stuck in my teen years not wanting to grow up, clinging on to my childhood, I'm almost 30 but I don't feel any older than 16.
I'm a lost cause, all I'm good for it seems is just self loathing, I wish there was more to me, but sadly it seems like this is it, I can't afford to get help, I can't afford anything, I can't even live on my own without the support of my mom and sister, I'm such a weak person, I can see why I'm thrown away so often I can see why I'm forgettable I can see why all I can do is cry and whine and feel sorry for myself.
I'm sorry to everyone who's there to help me, I just waste your effort when I do this, but I want everyone to know me, the real me, and what I've been through and why I am the way I am now. Please don't judge me.
Anyone who reads this don't feel sorry for me, don't pity me, don't feel anything for me, I'm not worth the effort trust me, just leave me to my own self destruction as it seems that's my past, present, and future, my destiny, when my mom goes I will go.
What I've said here, I've never told anyone in my personal life, anyone, so if you're reading this, realize that you now know more about me than most people in my real life.
I have to let go, have to bury it all, have to move forward to gain some kind of life, but I'm too weak to. I see that, I won't talk about any of this to anyone anymore, my feelings have become unhealthy, I'm losing my will to do anything anymore, why has this beaten me so? I use the word "coward" but I'm a hypocrite. I'm the coward, too afraid to move on, I lie about there being others, about being wanted by someone else, but its just to hide the fact that I have nothing.
I have to come clean about everything, there was no comic girl, there was no lupe, it was just to cover the fact that I had moved on when I didn't because I'm such a loser that when one girl falls in love with me I feel like I wont ever need another one again, I lied about kissing my friend last night I didn't even see them, I went to liquor store and bought some vodka and just walked around and got drunk.
I've never told anyone this, not even the friends I have left now, I've had sex once in my life, and it was to a girl in a wheelchair, that's how sad I am, I was 22.
I never thought in my life a girl would ever love me, I always felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone, I've only had one other girlfriend in my life and that was when I was 14, she left me for my friend when I went to visit my dad for the summer, when I came back she did nothing but ridicule me talk about my dirty clothes,and how poor I was. Even spitting on me, and throwing rocks.
I was always picked on by my friends, I wet the bed till I was 14, I had to wear a potty pager, that my sister made fun of me with, and showed all her friends, I used to have a problem going to the bathroom, meaning I'd shit my pants, and my friends would laugh at me, when I got older they'd make me fight them, because I was never big on fighting they'd push me around and make fun of me, the girls we'd hang around seen this and would make fun of me as well.
when I was 11 I was sent to a psych ward because I would hurt myself at home, my mother was afraid for me and she sent me there, I went to live with my dad afterwards, he was never there for me, he would leave me at my school till 8pm at night and just forget about me.His Wife at the time hated me as well, would whoop me with a ruler and belittle me while my dad did nothing.
When I got to high school I was back home with my mom, I had no new clothes, I wore the same clothes I had from jr high, I was fat, had no friends and started smoking weed, I tried killing myself in my sophmore year by standing in front of a train,some kids at school got me out of the way but from there on I was shunned by the whole school.
I missed months of school back then when I came back no one even noticed, eventually I dropped out and got my GED.From there I worked at retail jobs, I let my friends influence me and I quit my job, from the time I was 17 to the time I was 20 I basically did nothing but get into trouble, I let my friends influence me and I paid the price for it, I watched a friend of mine bleed out and die.
When I was 7 my mother found a new boyfriend, who happened to be my dad's step brother, this is something else I've never told anyone, he would come into my room late at night and abuse me physically and sexually, he'd touch me and make me touch him, when I didn't he would punch me, or kick me. He eventually died from an aneurism, he also gave my mom HIV.
My father, was a drug addict, I watched him OD on heroin twice as a kid, and sat by while my uncle brought him back to life.My grandfather would hit my grandmother all the time, I never knew about it till I witnessed it first hand.
I found out my father had AIDS when I was 11 as well, his wife decided to leave him to himself and I was there to help him overcome everything, even getting his health back together. Years later, my dad fell back into his drugs and alcohol even faking his death this year to hide his drug binge.
I watched my uncle get shot and die when two drug dealers tried to rob him, his kids, (my cousins) were there with me.
Why do I want to say all of this now? Because I feel I don't know me anymore, I lie so much so I don't have to tell the truth that I sometimes don't know whats real and whats not.I also want people to know why I am how I am, why its so hard to move on, because I honestly feel like I'll never find anyone else who'll love me. I'm so sorry lisa for being such a jerk, and not nearly man enough for you.
last night I sat here and looked at a picture of you, and kissed it ya I know, I'm crazy I need to move on, I need to bury everything, I will, I just never got a chance to kiss you, and I decided before I let you go, that I'd get one kiss even if its not real.
I'm not worth the air I breathe. I talk as if I don't want pity yet everything I say screams of it, so lost, for so long, even before her, before the cancer, before everything I've always been lost, stuck in my teen years not wanting to grow up, clinging on to my childhood, I'm almost 30 but I don't feel any older than 16.
I'm a lost cause, all I'm good for it seems is just self loathing, I wish there was more to me, but sadly it seems like this is it, I can't afford to get help, I can't afford anything, I can't even live on my own without the support of my mom and sister, I'm such a weak person, I can see why I'm thrown away so often I can see why I'm forgettable I can see why all I can do is cry and whine and feel sorry for myself.
I'm sorry to everyone who's there to help me, I just waste your effort when I do this, but I want everyone to know me, the real me, and what I've been through and why I am the way I am now. Please don't judge me.
Anyone who reads this don't feel sorry for me, don't pity me, don't feel anything for me, I'm not worth the effort trust me, just leave me to my own self destruction as it seems that's my past, present, and future, my destiny, when my mom goes I will go.
What I've said here, I've never told anyone in my personal life, anyone, so if you're reading this, realize that you now know more about me than most people in my real life.
The fool move I made
I must apologize for saying too much the other day, talking to people about the situation has made me see that I shouldn't have taken things to the level I did, and for that I'm sorry. I shouldn't allow myself to sink to that level and I won't whether you read this or not I apologize for going there.
I should have more respect for someone I loved than what I showed, and that is why I'm writing this now.
I should have more respect for someone I loved than what I showed, and that is why I'm writing this now.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Up's and Down's
It seems today was an up day for my mom and in turn became one for me too.My friend moved out and I took his room, its about the size of a studio almost, its a new start for me in a lot of ways, I feel like changing the way I do things, starting with looking at the positive in things, instead of worrying about the hardships of my situations.
I am going to enjoy the ride, and hope the trip takes me to where I need to get to.
I am going to enjoy the ride, and hope the trip takes me to where I need to get to.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Hardships
everything is so hard now,I don't know how to manage everything at once, I get overly worried with my relationship, I mean she doesn't seem to talk to me, and when she does its to tell me to stop talking about what I ask. That's partially my fault for bringing up questions that shouldn't be asked randomly I guess.
She never responds when I say hi, or called, even before today.
I try to keep my mind on something positive, but now everything is just so hard.I have someone telling me that she doesn't even care about me, I don't believe it, but he does, he thinks he might be wrong but from how he gathers everything he thinks he's right.its my fault how things went down because I started with my overly worried approach to her.
Here I go again, I'm sorry, through all of this what made me stay happy is knowing you loved me, and cared about me, when I have my mom all messed and you not even wanting to talk to me I can't help but just cry. I hate feeling this way, I hate being so down you make me happy, but right now all I can think about is disappointing everyone.
She never responds when I say hi, or called, even before today.
I try to keep my mind on something positive, but now everything is just so hard.I have someone telling me that she doesn't even care about me, I don't believe it, but he does, he thinks he might be wrong but from how he gathers everything he thinks he's right.its my fault how things went down because I started with my overly worried approach to her.
Here I go again, I'm sorry, through all of this what made me stay happy is knowing you loved me, and cared about me, when I have my mom all messed and you not even wanting to talk to me I can't help but just cry. I hate feeling this way, I hate being so down you make me happy, but right now all I can think about is disappointing everyone.
I am alone in this.
As much as people try to tell me I'm not, I don't see anything else that shows me I'm not, everyone is busy or ignores me, now my mother is hours away and has no idea what's going on with her, my sisters don't see how bad this is, I know they want her to have fun because her birthday is soon, but we have to face the fact,she isn't going to be how she was ever again.
There are times she is fine, but most cases she is in her own world, she doesn't understand what is going on, I am trying not to be sad, trying not to feel like shit, But that's all I can feel, I see why I jumped down my girlfriend's problem, I hate feeling helpless even though I know She is fine and doesn't need it. It still sucks to not be able to do anything for the people you love, I am just watching my mom DIE and all I can do is sit here.
Fucking sit here and sulk or cry or punch the ground until my hands bleed,which they are now. I can't feel the pain though my mind is elsewhere, I can't feel anything right now, I feel numb, I just want this to go away all of it, I want to wake up tomorrow and wake up next to the woman I love, and see my mom healthy and happy and singing and humming in the kitchen like she always would.
That's not going to happen though, so I have to face this, HOW? Can someone please help me? why do I have to do this alone? Why does it feel like I'm by myself here, does anyone even give two shits? I know people do, I shouldn't say that, but I can't see passed all of this sorrow sometimes, I seriously think of just running away from everything and just become someone else, someone who has no one to worry about no one to love so much that it hurts when you feel you might lose them because your too stupid to see they aren't going anywhere, they just need time.
I gotta keep trying, I have to for everyone who does love me, I just don't know how to sometimes, I just want a normal life, a family, a meaning for being on this damn earth, God can you please tell me what I'm supposed to do? Why do I always feel like I can't do enough for anyone or for myself why do I feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream that I can't escape from.I want this all to stop.
"I step back into the darkness, its surrounding me again, embracing my doubts my fears my hate, my anger, it feeds on it, and in turn I fall deeper and deeper into the abyss, I try to claw my way out, but it grabs me more, it tells me it loves my sorrow it doesn't want me to leave it, it fights to keep me as much as I fight to escape it, has this become my destiny? has this become what I am? Just a big looming cloud of despair lost in my own sorrow, lost in my tears, in my fears ,my addictions."
If anyone is reading this, don't pity me, pray for me, help me get out of this world, I am trying my best on my own, I don't know if I can do it, I'll keep trying for as long as I can. I don't know how much longer I can.
There are times she is fine, but most cases she is in her own world, she doesn't understand what is going on, I am trying not to be sad, trying not to feel like shit, But that's all I can feel, I see why I jumped down my girlfriend's problem, I hate feeling helpless even though I know She is fine and doesn't need it. It still sucks to not be able to do anything for the people you love, I am just watching my mom DIE and all I can do is sit here.
Fucking sit here and sulk or cry or punch the ground until my hands bleed,which they are now. I can't feel the pain though my mind is elsewhere, I can't feel anything right now, I feel numb, I just want this to go away all of it, I want to wake up tomorrow and wake up next to the woman I love, and see my mom healthy and happy and singing and humming in the kitchen like she always would.
That's not going to happen though, so I have to face this, HOW? Can someone please help me? why do I have to do this alone? Why does it feel like I'm by myself here, does anyone even give two shits? I know people do, I shouldn't say that, but I can't see passed all of this sorrow sometimes, I seriously think of just running away from everything and just become someone else, someone who has no one to worry about no one to love so much that it hurts when you feel you might lose them because your too stupid to see they aren't going anywhere, they just need time.
I gotta keep trying, I have to for everyone who does love me, I just don't know how to sometimes, I just want a normal life, a family, a meaning for being on this damn earth, God can you please tell me what I'm supposed to do? Why do I always feel like I can't do enough for anyone or for myself why do I feel like I'm stuck in a bad dream that I can't escape from.I want this all to stop.
"I step back into the darkness, its surrounding me again, embracing my doubts my fears my hate, my anger, it feeds on it, and in turn I fall deeper and deeper into the abyss, I try to claw my way out, but it grabs me more, it tells me it loves my sorrow it doesn't want me to leave it, it fights to keep me as much as I fight to escape it, has this become my destiny? has this become what I am? Just a big looming cloud of despair lost in my own sorrow, lost in my tears, in my fears ,my addictions."
If anyone is reading this, don't pity me, pray for me, help me get out of this world, I am trying my best on my own, I don't know if I can do it, I'll keep trying for as long as I can. I don't know how much longer I can.
Friday, September 2, 2011
god I don't want to go through this every day, she's so out of it, she can't even think,as soon as I leave her room, I break down and cry, I cry as I write this, its so hard seeing her like this, she doesn't even know what she's doing I went back into her room to get her into bed,then she sat there for a while I just closed the door and started to cry,.
I don't want to see my mom like this,but I'll help her through it, my sisters are taking her gambling tomorrow, I hope she's up to it when she goes. Anyone who reads this, please pray for me and her, as I will be doing so myself.
I don't want to see my mom like this,but I'll help her through it, my sisters are taking her gambling tomorrow, I hope she's up to it when she goes. Anyone who reads this, please pray for me and her, as I will be doing so myself.
First day
I'm going to keep writing in here to get my head clear, today was rough, spending all day with her, she's so out of it most of the time, and talking to her is like talking to a little kid at times, she's slow to respond and repeats herself like she's in her own world.
It hurts me so much to see this, but its just the process of what's going on, and how she deals with it, her birthday is a week from sunday, yes 9-11, I know right? My mom has other diseases as well (HIV and diabetes) so you see why this is just like really even harder, its like she can't catch a fucking break, I just get mad and cry when I think of it, its not fair.
I'm not worried about how I feel right now, all my focus is her, I have to go now, as she's spending way too much time sitting on the toilet, I hope she hasn't fallen asleep there.
It hurts me so much to see this, but its just the process of what's going on, and how she deals with it, her birthday is a week from sunday, yes 9-11, I know right? My mom has other diseases as well (HIV and diabetes) so you see why this is just like really even harder, its like she can't catch a fucking break, I just get mad and cry when I think of it, its not fair.
I'm not worried about how I feel right now, all my focus is her, I have to go now, as she's spending way too much time sitting on the toilet, I hope she hasn't fallen asleep there.
I'll be gone
I'm spending some time with my mom for the foreseeable future she's getting worse mental wise, she talks to herself more and a lot of other things, every time I walk by her room and she's doing it my heart breaks more and more. I'm going to be spending more time making sure she stays sane before she passes, I can't stand seeing her like this.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Creating my own sunshine
I wish I would've seen this on my own, I've been told so by all sorts of people but it didn't seem to sink in till now I don't know why, but I know I can only make myself want to be happy, there are people who help me stay happy and me worrying about making them happy is not going to make me feel any better.
I need to be happy whether it be by myself or with someone (Hopefully its still with someone) I'm done doubting myself and what I can do for me, I am just going to face it I am not a boy, I don't need anyone to hold my hand through this, I need to learn to make my own happiness, so I can share that with the others I care and love in my life.
From here on out, I am done feeling sad and sorry for myself and this situation I will make the best of what I have, and what I have is not bad, Lisa if you read this, I promise even if we don't stay together that I'll make myself happy, but honestly I'd rather be happy and stay with you, if you'll keep me.
I need to be happy whether it be by myself or with someone (Hopefully its still with someone) I'm done doubting myself and what I can do for me, I am just going to face it I am not a boy, I don't need anyone to hold my hand through this, I need to learn to make my own happiness, so I can share that with the others I care and love in my life.
From here on out, I am done feeling sad and sorry for myself and this situation I will make the best of what I have, and what I have is not bad, Lisa if you read this, I promise even if we don't stay together that I'll make myself happy, but honestly I'd rather be happy and stay with you, if you'll keep me.
Where do I go.
Where do I go when I don't know what to do? When I feel like I'm destroying everything around me? Where do I stay to be happy? Does the embrace of someone who I want a future with take me where I need to go? Why is it I feel like I sabotage everything good in my life,Why am I trying too hard?
Why can't I get a grip on my own life, on my own progress, of my own soul, I feel like I'm fighting everything good, and trying to make it bad, why? Who do I turn to? I get on my knee's and pray I ask god to show me where I have to go, what I need to do.I have to make my own way, I have to face up to my own demons to my own mistakes to my own insecurities I'm not helping anyone with them.
happiness is there, I can feel it, but I push it away,why? Why do I try so hard to find faults in it, why do I make things worse, why do I push, and push until it is gone. Does anyone even hear me? Am I shouting to myself? Does anyone care?
I see people who do, but I turn away, I can't I shouldn't but I do, I throw away that care for sorrow, I throw away the happiness for guilt, I throw away pleasure for pain.I feel stuck in a luminous cloud that shadows me everywhere, where is my sunshine? I see it, but I block it, I figure its someone else light.Is it really mine?
Why can't I get a grip on my own life, on my own progress, of my own soul, I feel like I'm fighting everything good, and trying to make it bad, why? Who do I turn to? I get on my knee's and pray I ask god to show me where I have to go, what I need to do.I have to make my own way, I have to face up to my own demons to my own mistakes to my own insecurities I'm not helping anyone with them.
happiness is there, I can feel it, but I push it away,why? Why do I try so hard to find faults in it, why do I make things worse, why do I push, and push until it is gone. Does anyone even hear me? Am I shouting to myself? Does anyone care?
I see people who do, but I turn away, I can't I shouldn't but I do, I throw away that care for sorrow, I throw away the happiness for guilt, I throw away pleasure for pain.I feel stuck in a luminous cloud that shadows me everywhere, where is my sunshine? I see it, but I block it, I figure its someone else light.Is it really mine?
This is kinda hard
I forgot how hard this can be, being with someone who's not close, I love her, this is just hard, as I want to talk to her and just be in her presence more, I already miss her voice again. What I would give just to hold her. I want to be where she is, I want to leave all of this and just go running into her arms and stay there forever.
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