Trying something different

I didn't think I'd ever make myself a blog, I always felt I wouldn't express myself too much online, although I find myself doing it more and more this year. I made this on the suggestion of my girlfriend. Funny enough my first "blogging"is all about her, I woke up this morning and decided to read her own blog, only to feel confused and wondering again.

I love her more than I have anyone, and sometimes it feels a bit scary being this open. I've been hurt twice by her and right now my heart and emotions are very fragile.she makes me so happy, but I don't want to be stuck in the shadow of her ex, and It always feels like I'll be competing with her past. 

I went outside and sat on my cover to my hot tub, drifting off into thought about everything, and before I realized it,I had tears rolling down my cheek. My emotions seem to be controlling me a lot lately,every time I hear her tell me she loves me My heart races and I get the biggest jolt through my body, its almost like a drug,but just as fast as that comes so does the feelings of her ripping them out again.

I don't want to feel like that, but when her ex is still so important to her,I feel like I'll never get to the point where I'm enough for her. Maybe I'm being selfish, I don't want to crowd her or give her obligations, She just means so much to me. If I could sum up a song that describes how I feel about her now it'd have to be "cosmic love" by florence and the machine.

I write so much about her because I want to spend my life with her,when I think of her I think of a future,I think of a wonderful mother, wife, and friend.  some people say I'm stupid and thinking too far ahead, but I can feel all of this in my heart. I love you L.