The Talk

I talked to the one person who would be the most pessimistic about all of this, and well, he was. he called me on my bullshit on how I only want her to be happy, of course I want to be happy too, and I want a life and family with her.

"people being mad for a thing or another dont make them not want to be together anymore, if anything she already didnt wanted it and now is using it as an excuse"

I don't believe that,I fucked up and she's just not letting me back in, I fucked with her, and now she hates me.

"look, you wanted to be with her , even tho it was a long distance thing that had ended already twice in stupid ways"

stupid? No, Unfortunate of course, of course I wanted\want to be with her, I love her.

"at some point you got to admit you are getting into some of that yourself
its not the nicest thing to say but you got to realize that you are there because you want to relationship drama with her"

I want "to" everything with her is the thing, I don't stick around because I want drama. I love her and want her to be happy

"bullshit, now thats bullshit.you might rationalize it as her being happy but you were happy with the attention it gave you someone cute and itneresting to talk with and be closer because "i want her to be happy" its the perfect rationalization of extremely bad behaviour"

he tells me that, and I see why I pushed away, it was my excuse for my bad behavior, it was my excuse for so many things, I want her to be happy yes, but I want her to be happy with me. I shouldn't lie to myself. I apologize for that.


"you do stuff because you want to, because you want to have a future with someone, because of a ton of things!"



"get a normal girlfriend.because you have no proper reference point of having a proper girl and that is why you always go into this whenever you have a chance. you would be better off actually dating a proper girl instead of having a relationship in a computer "

Its more than that, no one fucking gets it, why do I even talk to anyone about this? do I just want to hear the worse so I finally just say fuck it? why do I feel like I give up when I'm actually about to make it?




My mom heard me cry last night, she looked at me this morning and asked what happened I told her we sat and talked, she tells me if she really loves me, then she doesn't hate me.I hug her and cry, she tells me everything is ok. I haven't talked to my mom like that since I was young, she's getting weaker every day, I love her so much, I wish we could have more upbeat talks, I miss her laugh.



I pour my heart out to him, tell him why its not so easy finding someone here, yes I know I'm attractive, but I find myself having to lie, about who I am, because when they see the real me, all most girls see is their little brother, or some nerdy guy, I don't relate to my friends much because they don't understand me entirely, I help them out with their problems, and we share a laugh and a beer and our stories.

I cry again as I tell him how you loved me for me, no one else besides me family loved me for what I am, my friends they support me and love me too, but you loved me as well no matter how silly or goofy or immature I might be at times.I'm afraid of losing that and everything you give to me, its not easy finding someone you can be yourself with, I've tried here, I tried so hard, I was content on thinking I would just go by and have my "fun" with women when the time presented itself.Then I met you, and you loved me for all I was, how can I let that go? who would want to?

I told you before, I was happy by myself, content, I just wanted to share my happiness wtih someone who made me happy too.


"she treated you like shit and you are willing to disregard that just because she liked things you also liked maybe you are being more superficial than you have realized while you were bleeding from BREAKING YOUR FACE  after she dumped you, she didnt even want to talk to you, AS you were being carried to the hospital but somehow, liking the same stuff you do is more important? no one is telling you to hide your powerlevel and not be a geek there are plenty of people out there that have the same tastes or when they dont, have other tastes and can recognize others tastes without ridiculing them to be abused to shit just because a girl is nerdy and you want to date her is not a proper situation for anyone"

I don't live in the past, and when I broke down and smashed my head, she talked to me, she was more worried about me getting help then me ranting on about how much I missed her, its not about the fact that she has the same interests as me, fuck that, its the fact she accepted me for all that I am. I used her too much as my crutch, she was my rock, not my therapist. That's why coming to her all the time was not healthy for either of us.

This talk hasn't changed my perspective much, I see things I've done,and understand them a bit more now, It was more about my laying things out, getting a different perspective, my mom was so comforting on this, and he was more pessimistic, I appreciate him trying to help me in his own way, but a lot of what he says comes off as bitter.

I won't stop trying, no matter what anyone says,including you, I'm in this for the long haul.