How Do I?

I wanna just talk to her, see how she's doing, but I don't know if I should, I don't want to push her away but does she want to talk to me? Is it awkward talking to me now? I do hope everything is well with you, I want to be there for you, I just don't know how to without giving you all of my love.

Finding treasures in my house

I was looking through some old stuff today, just to keep from being bored on my day off, and I just happened to find a treasure, a picture of my mother young holding my oldest sister, I never seen this picture before, I never seen her this young before, its nice to see.

Hmm

I went out again last night, had a bonfire in Santa Cruz, I forget sometimes just how beautiful it is out here.Friends I hadn't seen in months came by and it felt like one of those big parties we used to have a few years ago.My friend disha asks me about her, asks me how I'm doing with everything I tell her its still hard (because it is) but I'm making my way.

I start to think about you, your smile still resonates in my dreams, your voice still rings out in my head every now and then, I shake it off.I had fun, I am feeling good again, even when I think about her now I still feel happy. I however, did cry a little last night, I was watching a movie and the shift focused to an intense romantic scene, I can feel them so much more now, when I hear the words of the man telling her that he would go to any length's for her, and how he has found love by being with her,my eyes start to water, my heart starts to beat faster and uncontrollable I become flustered and I think of her saying "I love you"


Honestly, it sucks to lose that, but I have to say I want to thank her so much for giving me this feeling, although we're not together, when I think of our good times, and remember everything she's told me I can play it back in my head like it just happened,and those same feelings and emotions come back to me. I had to stop myself though I think I worked myself up too much thinking about it.My heart would race, and I got to the point I didn't think I could breath, so I stopped.

This feeling from love, I have to watch it, and make sure not to abuse this, it might hurt me if I do.

Ok Yea, my fucking luck :D

well this morning I went out with lupe for coffee or whatever. She then proceeded to tell me she was married, but separated right now.Ugh, I mean really? Its like I give off this vibe to women who are in relationships to mess with me, or maybe its me, maybe I can spot them out mentally?

she also showed me a picture of her daughter, Lieina (I probably am spelling that wrong,but that's how it sounded.) she's 4, close to my niece's age.I'm not looking for anything, for sure, for sure now, but neither is she. I messed around with a woman with a kid before,but she was single.Oh well, I am only trying to have fun so I shouldn't worry about that anyway.

All I can do is laugh at all this,its like my destiny to woe women in relationships.

I'll enjoy the ride though. Heh.

Bitterness

ok before I write this poem I just want to let that someone know,please don't take this as me pushing you away, this is just my way of helping me through this, so bear with it if you read,as it might hurt you some.I don't feel like this entirely anymore, but it helps to let out all of it in words rather than my fists on my outside door, I don't want to take things out on myself, but that doesn't mean I'm taking them out on you.I just need this right now.


                                                               Bitterness


                                       She loves another, hastily passes me by
                                    She waits for this one, for as long as it will take
                                 Yet for me, its one week and her love is goodbye
                                  its the third time that she makes my heart break
                                                 She gave up on us so quick 
                                         Those words sure to cause her anger
                                          but She would never make us stick
                                     Always running when our love is in danger
                                       This new love how long will this last?
                           At the first sight of trouble will she seek my embrace?
                       I would be lying to myself if  I Didn't come to her in a dash
                   She calls herself a whore, It angers me to see her self disgrace  
                               My wait continues as I move on past all this 
                          But I'd gladly give my heart again,just for her kiss
                          



                      
                                    
                                    

Fun

Tonight was great, met up with some old friends at an old bar, didn't drink too much, but I enjoyed myself so much, lupe was cool, I'm not looking for anything right now,I want to be by myself,but she's a cool new friend, and maybe something more in the future some day but for now I'm just enjoying life. Its fun as hell.


she called me, she wants to go out again, but just us,hmm I said yes,again I'm not looking for anything,but she's fun, so I dunno,I'll see where it goes I guess.

Taking a step

I might have moved too fast, but I called a girl I had blown off when I was trying to get back with my ex. I explained to her everything was finally over, and she asked me if I wanted to talk about it, I told her no, I just want to have fun, so she offered to take me out to the bar tonight to drink,I said yes, I don't know if I'm rushing things, but I'm here to make myself happy, and going out and having fun with a cute girl sounds good enough for me.

I will try

I took a walk, and thought about everything, I can't stop loving her, that's something I can't turn off, what I can do, is start loving myself again, I felt so angry and mad at myself for losing her, but that's not going to help anything, I'm going to try my best to love myself and be happy again by myself. I've always been happy by myself, I loved it, now I just have to fall in love with myself all over again. Its not going to be easy, but I have to try for everyone who cares about me and is looking at me to get through this.

I'm sorry if I'm not acting right, I love you and hope you stay happy, I'm glad you loved my sonnet, and I'm glad I was able to meet and fall in love with you, I will never forget it or the good times we had. I wish I could say I won't wait for you anymore, but I can't promise that, I'm not going to wait around on hand and knee's waiting till this relationship falls apart, but just know that deep down in my heart I still have faith in us for one day.

I'm not clinging to the notion, but its just something I don't think I can rid myself of, to me even though each time was during bad timing I still feel like what we had\will have is something worth going through so much for, maybe you'll see that one day, maybe you won't but its fine by me, I'll make my own path.

I can't Let go

why can't I just be happy? why is it every time I feel like I am,its taken from me, its not fair, I fucking hate this, I hate all of it, I can't stop crying I can't stop feeling like shit! why! This isn't me I hate this person I wish he were dead. People keep telling me to change if I don't like this, its not that fucking simple, I can't just close my eyes and open them and viola I'm all better.

I might write 1000 times on this blog before the day is over, will anyone read it? I don't know, maybe you will, or won't not now, not how I am around you or period, I feel like a shell of me, I can't eat, I can't think straight I don't want to do anything.


how could you just fall in love with someone else and not even give me a proper chance? Why? Was I that fucking horrible? Is he that good? I hope he makes you happy, one of us deserve to be.



I don't like feeling bad for myself I fucking hate this, what do I do? how do I move on from this? I don't even want to, I love you so much, I know you love me, but you're not in love with me anymore, god I hate hearing that it hurts so much, I have to let go,I have to let go, let go jr, fucking let go.....

Fuck Love

God why do I have to feel this way? why does it have to hurt so much? fuck love I swear I fucking hate it, I try to hate her, but it just makes me cry why?

these pills don't help so I don't take them, its not worth shit, but what do I do? do I just cry? do I finish making my hand a bloody mess? janet wouldn't want me to cry anymore, but its so hard, How could she fall in love with someone so quick? How can she not be in love with me anymore, this isn't fair, I just want to be with her, I want to hold her and rub my cheek up against hers I want to feel her breath on the back of my neck, I want her to have my children.

Is this what love does? Is it supposed to hurt like this? Fuck Love, I don't want this shit, its nothing but pain, I can't think of anything but her, people keep trying to tell me she's not worth it, fuck them, fuck everything I feel like my heart was run over with a steam roller, and then gently laid in my chest only to fall out and burn to cinder.



FUCK LOVE.

I just want you....

I can't do this anymore, this hurts so much, she already loves someone else, not even a fucking week.My hand is covered in blood now,trying to mask this pain in my heart with my fists, I don't want to feel this way anymore, its not fair, I tried I kept trying, she said I'm not losing her, but her heart doesn't yearn for me anymore, I poured my heart and soul into my gift, into her, and I have nothing left.


These pills will help my pain for now, or they'll kill me, I don't want to have to wake up and think about this every time I dream she's there, our kids are there this fictional life is there, she says I'll get over her some day, but I don't want to, there aren't many like you, I don't want any of these stupid girls here, I don't want anyone but you.

I hope these pills take me away from all this I just want to sleep and dream about what I wanted my family,my children, my love, my hope, my happiness......

The little old lady

while I sat on the bus today, on my way back from picking up my check, one song that reminds me of you comes on, I try to fight back my tears but I can't my eyes start to water and I slyly look out the window, I feel a tap on my shoulder, its a little old lady with a concerned look she asks "are you ok son?" I tell her yes and wipe my tears, she ask again"are you sure? you seem heart broken" I guess I'm just easy to read.

I take off my headphones and tell her I am, I tell her about you, and how blind I am at not seeing what was in front of me, "we all make mistakes sweetheart, its owning up to them and fixing them is whats most important" she says, I told her I can't fix it because you hate me and I explained why "nonsense she'll get over that" she says confidently, "all that matters is that you love her right?" I agree,I talk about my mother and  she tells me a story about her late husband who died last year from liver cancer.

she tells me how he fought to stay with her for a long time,and how she was able to hold his hand before he passed, he died happy. If you love something so much you fight for it, "are you going to fight for her?" "even if you don't get her back fighting and trying your best is better than not doing anything and just feeling sorry for yourself" I agree,she pats me on my shoulder and gives me a little hug, "I can tell you are a very kind and sweet young man"she says. "You're too young and handsome to be so sad ok?" she says with a smile, I smile back at her.

"There we go was that so hard?" we both laugh, I used to hate this city so much, so far from my friends, but then I meet the sweetest little lady ever, she's like my own guardian angel. Her stop wasn't too far from mine, so I got off and walked her home, her grandson was waiting for her, a bit older than me, she introduced me as her friend.

Before I left she told me I could come by anytime I felt like it to come to talk, "and try to not feel so down on yourself, your face, you have a face that should stay happy sweetie I don't want to see anymore frowns ok?" I've never actually just talked and walked any stranger home, maybe its because I never was close with my grandparents and this was a chance to get to know someone older, to gain some wisdom from them and I did, thank you so much janet, you truly are an angel sent down from heaven and I'm sure tom is watching you and is very proud. God bless you janet. and I'll be by sunday to talk.

The Talk

I talked to the one person who would be the most pessimistic about all of this, and well, he was. he called me on my bullshit on how I only want her to be happy, of course I want to be happy too, and I want a life and family with her.

"people being mad for a thing or another dont make them not want to be together anymore, if anything she already didnt wanted it and now is using it as an excuse"

I don't believe that,I fucked up and she's just not letting me back in, I fucked with her, and now she hates me.

"look, you wanted to be with her , even tho it was a long distance thing that had ended already twice in stupid ways"

stupid? No, Unfortunate of course, of course I wanted\want to be with her, I love her.

"at some point you got to admit you are getting into some of that yourself
its not the nicest thing to say but you got to realize that you are there because you want to relationship drama with her"

I want "to" everything with her is the thing, I don't stick around because I want drama. I love her and want her to be happy

"bullshit, now thats bullshit.you might rationalize it as her being happy but you were happy with the attention it gave you someone cute and itneresting to talk with and be closer because "i want her to be happy" its the perfect rationalization of extremely bad behaviour"

he tells me that, and I see why I pushed away, it was my excuse for my bad behavior, it was my excuse for so many things, I want her to be happy yes, but I want her to be happy with me. I shouldn't lie to myself. I apologize for that.


"you do stuff because you want to, because you want to have a future with someone, because of a ton of things!"



"get a normal girlfriend.because you have no proper reference point of having a proper girl and that is why you always go into this whenever you have a chance. you would be better off actually dating a proper girl instead of having a relationship in a computer "

Its more than that, no one fucking gets it, why do I even talk to anyone about this? do I just want to hear the worse so I finally just say fuck it? why do I feel like I give up when I'm actually about to make it?




My mom heard me cry last night, she looked at me this morning and asked what happened I told her we sat and talked, she tells me if she really loves me, then she doesn't hate me.I hug her and cry, she tells me everything is ok. I haven't talked to my mom like that since I was young, she's getting weaker every day, I love her so much, I wish we could have more upbeat talks, I miss her laugh.



I pour my heart out to him, tell him why its not so easy finding someone here, yes I know I'm attractive, but I find myself having to lie, about who I am, because when they see the real me, all most girls see is their little brother, or some nerdy guy, I don't relate to my friends much because they don't understand me entirely, I help them out with their problems, and we share a laugh and a beer and our stories.

I cry again as I tell him how you loved me for me, no one else besides me family loved me for what I am, my friends they support me and love me too, but you loved me as well no matter how silly or goofy or immature I might be at times.I'm afraid of losing that and everything you give to me, its not easy finding someone you can be yourself with, I've tried here, I tried so hard, I was content on thinking I would just go by and have my "fun" with women when the time presented itself.Then I met you, and you loved me for all I was, how can I let that go? who would want to?

I told you before, I was happy by myself, content, I just wanted to share my happiness wtih someone who made me happy too.


"she treated you like shit and you are willing to disregard that just because she liked things you also liked maybe you are being more superficial than you have realized while you were bleeding from BREAKING YOUR FACE  after she dumped you, she didnt even want to talk to you, AS you were being carried to the hospital but somehow, liking the same stuff you do is more important? no one is telling you to hide your powerlevel and not be a geek there are plenty of people out there that have the same tastes or when they dont, have other tastes and can recognize others tastes without ridiculing them to be abused to shit just because a girl is nerdy and you want to date her is not a proper situation for anyone"

I don't live in the past, and when I broke down and smashed my head, she talked to me, she was more worried about me getting help then me ranting on about how much I missed her, its not about the fact that she has the same interests as me, fuck that, its the fact she accepted me for all that I am. I used her too much as my crutch, she was my rock, not my therapist. That's why coming to her all the time was not healthy for either of us.

This talk hasn't changed my perspective much, I see things I've done,and understand them a bit more now, It was more about my laying things out, getting a different perspective, my mom was so comforting on this, and he was more pessimistic, I appreciate him trying to help me in his own way, but a lot of what he says comes off as bitter.

I won't stop trying, no matter what anyone says,including you, I'm in this for the long haul.

forgivness

well,last night was possibly the worse night ever, on that note, it can't get much worse, so I should be glad of that, it still hasn't sunk in yet, I don't want it to, I just want to be with her. I made mistakes, you made mistakes, no one is perfect, I forgave you when you made them, why can't you do the same for me?

I'm going to call you later,whether you pick up or not is up to you of course, but I'm not giving up,I can't I don't want to lose you. You said I shouldn't talk to you unless its important, well you're important to me.You always will be, you helped me find love, I can't forget that, or let it go.

Not Hiding

I find myself waking up, after another dream about you, and what do I do? I tell you,I'm not hiding how I feel anymore from anyone, I'll say it to any and everyone who asks me. I say things that I can't cash, but that's just the mistakes I make, no one is perfect, I try my best for both of us, I always waited, and now I find out I waited too long?

I can't let this go, I can't let YOU go, I'm sorry if this is inconvenient but you're going to have to block me everywhere to get rid of me, I am not letting you go without a fight, even if its one from you.

I've finally tired myself out,


but I will always care and love you no matter how much hate you have for me right now, I won't ever stop caring, this hurts so much right now, but it still doesn't change how I feel and will feel.


I'll continue to wait, even if I missed my chance, you're worth every moment of all the pain I go through, I brought it on myself, I let my ego get in the way of things, I wish I wasn't such a fuck up.

I remember when you told me the story about your bf who hit you,I just remember thinking how much you didn't deserve that.Now that I think of it, I don't deserve you, you're too good for me, I knew I'd fuck it up, and I did, I just,I just want you to be happy! Sometimes I feel like I can't make you happy, and I don't want to see you sad,or cry, it hurts my heart every time I heard you cry.


I read your blog everyday you know, your story on your birthday made me cry. Its like spending time with you which is why sometimes I don't talk to you as much I guess, I kinda talk to you through your blog and mine, and sometimes I let my emotions work me up, I read and read, and it seems your happy on your own, all I can think about when I talk to you is bringing "us" up.

I don't want to drag you down with relationship stuff with you, thats the honest reason I didn't talk to you that much, you met new people and were enjoying their time, you don't need some mopey Ex telling you how much he misses you and wants you back, but it looks like you did, I wish I could've said to you this week and last, what I've told your picture.

I have a picture of you that I've kept, that I talk to when I can't tell you things, your eyes,I can't hold anything back from those eyes, I tell you how much I love you, how I'll wait, how I'll always be there, yet am I? no. I don't message you, I didn't call you I had no intention for you to message me.

I didn't think I was on some time, but once again, time is my enemy and has played me over again,but its my fault.


I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere, even if your heart is aimed at someone else, I'm not going anywhere, I swear on my own life.

My heart cries out

                                          emotions  run wild,She comes to  mind
                                       actions they are wrong,She hates all of the boy
                                        Heart weeping,crying out,in a sorrowful whine
                                        Choices and Decisions destroy the heart's Joy
                                                Soul unease by the loss of its mate
                                               Words are lost, pain is all that's found
                                           hate fills her, as she burns through his fate
                             sorrowfulness consumes him and buries him in the ground
                                        The final words from a boy's broken heart
                                            finishing blow from the girl's hatred
                                                 He prays for a new fresh start
                                      She passes through it as if nothing was sacred
                              Eyes wet,hands shake, he thinks back to when he had her
                           His heart aches and his eye's close,the heart breath's no longer.

It Hurts...

I don't know what to do, I can't stop crying and shaking, I've lost the only woman I've ever fallen in love with, I had my chance,and I let it slip by me I told her I missed her, but I never told her how much, I can't stop loving her, even though she hates me now, god it hurts every time she says it, I've never had the shakes like this before.

She says she hates me, and It hurts so much, but I think back to when she told me no matter what she says or what happens she will always love me, I know she still means it, no matter how mad she is at me. I know it deep down in my heart of hearts, God why must I be so bad at this? Why Can't I have seen her waiting?

I would give anything to be with her,ANYTHING.This hurts so much, feels like she ripped my heart out again, but this time she actually meant it and is enjoying it, before it was due to circumstance, now its due to my pride, and my hesitance, I wanted her back last Thursday when we talked,But she told me that's not what she wanted, so I stepped back - that was the biggest mistake I have made in my life.


I can't make any excuse and the 1000th apology isn't going to change what I did, I just wish you'd give me a second chance babe, you mean too much to me to not fight for, its never too late to fight for what you love, I promise I will always be here, my eyes are open, my mouth is closed, my ears are here to listen.


I'll never give up,ever,this hurts so much, but I won't give up on us, even if you hate me more. I can't my love wont allow it to I don't care if you tell me not to invest in you, I can't stop my heart.

So Scared

I had something else I planned to write here, But I just read her blog, and I am sorta floored, I am so scared right now,I want to ask her if she's talking to me, but I'm not the only one she's loved recently.

What do I do? Should I ask her if it's me?If its not and then it could end up hurting me so much more,But if it is,what do I do then? I love her,but I'm a big dummy, don't want to ruin it, I pray its me, I wish I had some sort of sign.

Mugen My addiction

this thing, this "Mugen" has taken ahold of me again, helped me forget about all of this bullshit going on and just escape, it feels like an addiction at times, I've been doing it on and off for 10 years now,  it  helps me through some troubling times like now, its so easy to get buried in the work it sets in motion for you, and thats what I'll do, forget any and everything and focus solely on this, the only thing that hasn't left me or hurt me its just there, and I'm happy it is.

Eh

I drank a little tonight, oh well, I feel good, I feel happy, it won't last long but its good for now, I don't know why I keep punishing myself thinking about situations, I know her responses aren't at me, so I shouldn't even bother to even read, or are they? I don't know, I haven't bothered talking to her or anyone, I don't really care anymore.

She Found me

I tried so hard to avoid her for so long, and she finally found me, we talked, and she tried to apologize for everything she ever did to hurt me, I didn't let her forget how she just played me and continues to think I'm a fool who's going to feel remorse for what she did to me a few years ago. She plays on my vulnerability she knows about my situation thanks to a mutual friend,Now she wants to see me,I told her no, I can hear a faint disappointment as she says ok, I don't really care if she's sad, fuck her.

After I talk to her I think of My ex, she has so many people who care about her, and love her, she doesn't need me anymore, she'll be more than fine without me, will I be? probably not now, but she should stay happy, and I'm happy for her. I hope she liked her present, she hasn't told me what she thinks of it, then again I never even asked her if she liked it, I hope she does.

A boy in the Dark

It's dark here, there's nothing he can see, just the sound of his heartbeat putter back and fourth.Its cold, and he's tired,he fights to keep his sanity, he takes himself to happier times in this dark, he remembers those who cared about him and those he's cared about.

 There's a slight light he can see in the distance, it seems so far away,he struggles to reach it, he crawls,and climbs his fingers bloody from grabbing at the cold ground scratching clawing, he screams out in desperation.He wants out, he can feel his soul screaming for a release for someone to help him, but no one hears him, he's all alone, always so alone.

He gets up, wipes his eyes and puts his head up, as he marches forward toward the light he can't help but feel some embrace from this dark, he's been here so long,does he want to leave? Is it this darkness he's fallen in love with? He hesitates, he lets that darkness overtake him, he wallows in it, its something he's found that's always constant in his life.

This darkness will eat him up and then he'll finally be apart of this darkness he tries so hard to run from, is this what he really wants?Maybe, maybe its easier to just give into this darkness and embrace what it has to offer, which is nothing, is this all he is worth? Nothing? He thinks to himself "No" as he marches forward toward the light, a smile comes to his face, and he realizes.

This dark will always be there, there's no running from it, he turns around and walks into it,but the more he walks into this darkness the more he can see,the more he can feel,the more he realizes this dark is also his light, he just has to look hard enough to find it within himself, its hard for the boy, he's lost so much,he's so afraid and scared,he cries himself to sleep at times realizing the burden he bears may be too much at times.

None of this falters him, he's determined now,to turn this dark into his light,he doesn't know how, he thinks of those people in his life who love him, and his heart swells and the dark doesn't seem as bad anymore, there's so much he still has to make it through but the constant light in his heart is what will guide him through all of it.

Going back

I started playing chrono trigger, possibly my favorite rpg of all time, brings back memories of better times, I think I'll be spending a bunch of time playing this and some other old stuff, keeping my mind off everything else going on.

I talked to my dad today, I let out everything that made me angry at him and kept going, I don't know what to do with the guy, he obviously needs help but wont take it, I still love him,he's my father, but I can't find it in myself to want to care anymore. I don't seem to want to care for much these days, caring has taken its toll on me and my heart, so I think I'm just going to stop.

My 2nd Love

after finishing her birthday present, I felt very good about myself, writing her sonnet let me open my emotions and let out a lot of what I was feeling. I am going to write a lot more now, it might even take me away from other things, right now its just fun to fantasize, so I'll just do that for now.

Happy birthday you, enjoy this day in which we were blessed with your presence.

out of the ghetto, but doesn't change me being poor

my hours at work have been shit as of late,and everyone else here seems just as broke, my tummy is growling :( I guess another day of chicken breast won't kill me, might turn me into a chicken though.

BAWK BAWK

The Birthday Present

well I finished it, I put a lot of my emotions into it and its from my heart, I hope you like it. I will always love you no matter what.

this is kinda fun

I am enjoying making light of myself, its quite fun, and this kiddy bug hat helps. I forgot to remember I don't really give a shit what other people think of me, I enjoy me for who I am.

Dreaming of an unattainable life.

I had a great dream just now, I don't know how long I'll remember it so I'll write down what I do.
I was sitting on the porch with her, watching as what looked like our kids playing.I turn to her and look and she smiles, I smile back and she reaches out for my hand "I'm glad we made it here" she says, I don't know what here is, but I'm glad to be here too.

I can see the girl come up to her, and ask her something I can't really hear well, she comforts her and gives her a hug,I look over and smile, I haven't felt happy like this before, not since....well since she first told me she loved me. We all go inside and she fixes us dinner, we all eat at the table and talk about the day as if this was a normal routine.

The last I remember of this dream before I woke up,was reading my "kids" a story as she stood in the doorway, she smiled again, that same smile she gave me on the porch,its so beautiful, looking at her smile makes me feel like I can do anything.I go to her, and brush her hair back, and tell her how much I love her and our family we finally have.

Then I wake up, and look up at my ceiling I realize it was just a dream and I notice I'm crying,"what is wrong with me?" I say in anger. I try so hard to move passed this but my dreams are keeping me back.Am I torturing myself? Am I putting myself through all of this for being such an asshole when I was younger? Maybe this is just karma,maybe I'm just broken, I don't know what it is,But all I know is I can't wait to sleep again.

Slumber

I've been able to sleep in these last two days, I find myself drawn more to my dreams, its where I feel completely happy now, I have everything I want there.I know I can't live in my dreams, but for now I think I'll just be apart of them more now, I hate waking up after them, I feel so cheated out of something good.

I started on her birthday present for tuesday, I hope she appreciates how much I'm putting into this,its coming from my heart and soul, and I've been working on it on and off since last night when I figured out what I wanted to do.

In a hard place

A friend I hadn't talked to in a while called me earlier tonight and asked me how I was doing,I felt the need to tell her everything that has happened in the last few months,she's always been like a big sister to me and I always felt so at ease telling her stuff. Most of what I talked about was my ex,I told her how I finally fell in love, and then lost it,twice.

She picked me up and we went to see some other friends and hang out,as I sat outside in the backyard looking up at the sky,I wondered what you were doing,and I don't know if I'll ever get over you completely, maybe you don't get over the first person you open your heart to."Its ok to still love her so much" she told me, "But you're going to have to find a way past all of it" "Yea" I said as I slowly made my way back inside.

I was so sure I was back,but talking about her to all my friends,even my nephew, its somewhat hard to let her go now,its like I'm finally getting to talk about her openly and share her with the other people in my life.Oh well,it still feels good to do so, I don't know what I'm going to do honestly, but I know I'll be ok again at some point.

Desire

wow, I kinda gave in to temptation a bit today, and my mind started wandering into naughty thoughts about her, I still have them now, probably best to keep my distance for a while. I don't know what happened today but for some reason, All I can think about is the softness of her voice as she calls out my name in pleasure,Its almost hypnotic.I still love hearing all of it, probably why I let myself succumb to it. Oh well I'm only human, and we all have urges and desires, I just happened to have one at the wrong time.

Little Me's

It seems like the last day and a half has been more about time and growing up than anything else. While I was out today I happened to run into an old friend from high school, and it turns out she has kids,her daughter was really pretty and smiled at me and said hi, she asked me if I had any and I told her no,she said it was a shame that someone as handsome as me didn't have kids yet.


A lot of the friends in my life have kids, and sometimes it makes me a bit jealous of what they have, although kids are a handful, knowing you have a little you is probably the best gift you could possibly get.I talked about having kids with my ex, even had names picked out, Anne for a girl, and Wyatt for a boy. I actually had a dream about them the other day, and I almost told her, but I just said I didn't remember, I don't think it would've helped the situation.

when that day comes though, I want to be a better father than what my dad was to me, I'll always make sure to be in their life, and guide them through those hard times, help them figure themselves out,teach them how to drive a car (no one did that for me) tell them about love and loss and hopefully become their friend one day.

I'm not going to rush into parenthood, but it is something I am looking forward to one day.

I have returned

although I feel older, I do however feel like I used to before I went through this whirlwind of emotions and love and all this shit, I finally feel back to the "old" me no pun intended, but I feel a weight off my back and I can finally start to stop moping every now and then and feeling down on myself.There are people who depend on me, and especially myself, who I missed for the last few months, welcome back Junior.

getting older

I think its time I'd admit I'm getting older, I know I am, its just hard to see until you realize you have a few gray hairs and doing some things can take its toll on you, I got back to full duties today at work, and it felt good, but my body was so soar from all of the work I don't know how much longer I can do this line of work before my body gives way.

its not a bad thing to get older, usually means you get wiser, I'd like to think I have. I'm not a fossil yet, nor am I all that old, but I am not going to be in my 20's too much longer, and that, scares the shit out of me.

Boliing pot of anger

Sometimes my anger gets the best of me and it scares me at times. I got irritated at my radio because it wouldn't work, and I took it upon myself to punch it as hard as I can, causing my hand to bleed and I just think to myself "what am I doing?" I calm down and look at the situation and realize this isn't the right way to go about things.

This hasn't been the first time I've done this, since everything that has happen this year, my anger sometimes gets the best of me, just a month ago I lost it from everything going down with my mother my ex and my father and I just rammed my head as hard as I could into my patio door,Probably the stupidest thing I've done all year long.

My family doesn't have a good track record with dealing with problems, my middle sister we found out recently was cutting herself, and even tried to commit suicide, I don't think I'll get that far, but I need to talk more about my problems and worries instead of bottling them up and taking them out on myself and my house.

I know punching things won't fix my radio,or stop my dad from being a drug addict, or get rid of my mother's cancer, so doing any of this is really just making things worse, but I feel so much anger and frustration built up that its hard to find a way to disperse it. I have to try though, for those people in my life who try to help me with this.

They have been great at listening to me and helping me through, but I don't repay them like I should because I keep hurting myself, and for that,Tyler, Miguel, Lisa, Michael and the rest, I'm sorry and I owe you all more than that for sticking by me and helping me through some bad situations.

%^&$ phone

well, I talked to her again today, I felt like being cold towards to her before she picked up, but as soon as I heard her voice again my heart jumped and I again found myself missing her, I jumped to conclusions with things again as always, something I need to fix about myself. We talked and she explained things, and I myself need to slow myself as well, I, like she put it "dive" into things, its hard not to when my heart wants so bad.

She asks me if I thought she was lying when she told me she'd always love me, I know she meant it.Its something that gets me through some tough times, I still hear how she said it too. "Jr adkins no matter what happens to me or you I will always love you" she told me something that I couldn't hear,I don't do it on purpose, sometimes I get lost in thought of kissing her or something else whenever I talk to her.

all of this is still hard, I do my best for myself and as well as her, because I want her to be happy,I love her so much, I hope she knows that. I stand by my statement I told her before, that I am her lighthouse, your boat may take you to other places,and you may go through storms and tough tides, but my light will always shine,it will always burn bright,for you to make your way back to me, no matter what I'll wait, I don't care who cares knows whatever, I don't care how long, that's how strong my love is.

Today

I feel better today, thanks to a new friend I met, he seems to be going through the same sorta situation I am, kinda opened my eyes to some things, and I although sometimes I wish I could take back ever getting into the situation I did, I am happy for it, I've grown from it and have finally learned from my mistakes and hastiness. I still care, I won't ever stop caring or having love for her, But I think I need to love myself a bit more.

Open Wounds

Ugh,I was doing so good, my friend came in while I was playing her in a match, he asked me about her when we went outside and he figured out she was the girl I was talking to, I didn't mention we had broken up, I didn't see the need to even bring it up,he then mentioned how it was rare to see a girl into video games and good, not to mention beautiful.When he told me "you shouldn't let go of this one" I could feel a jab in my chest that I shrugged off.

I played her again later, and she doesn't seem the same around me anymore, I don't mean calling me baby, or telling me she loves me, her over all demeanor seems cold, it feels like a different person sometimes, I get faint glimpses of how she normally is, but it only lasts a few seconds, she chastises me as well about how I play, it almost feels as she's annoyed, and it just gets to me more.

I have to be clear about something, I've always been happy by myself, I have just been searching sharing that happiness with someone else, I may have my moments of vulnerability but I get over them and march forward, I am the guy my friends come to. I lost sight of that guy when I let myself get too involved in love too quick, I always wanted to be happy as a friend before I was happy being with someone.

I still want to be friends with her, but not this version of her she presents to me, is it a shield to keep away her feelings? to keep from doing something regrettable? I don't know she doesn't talk to me, I am not that friend,I am the friend at distance. hearing her kiss in the background before we play a match still drives me wild,even though its not for me, I still miss that at times.Sometimes wounds take longer to heal than you think.

Klutz

I am the hugest Klutz, not just falling over stuff I'm a klutz in life, I'm a klutz at friendship, I'm a klutz at relationships, I'm a klutz at getting over relationships.This doesn't mean I'm doomed, it doesn't mean everything I do is gonna end up with me hurt.Just means I have to be more Aware with the choices I make, and how I go about these choices.

I am happy though, or getting there, starting this blog has actually made me get back into writing, I've decided to write a screenplay based on the people in my life,mainly the craziness that is my family, I think with a bit of a extra boost to reality of some situations, I could make an excellent dark comedy that's original in its own right, Plus it'll really help me look through all of these hardships and find the humor in some of it.

writing also helps me express myself that I can't with people all the time, a friend of mine keeps suggesting I try rapping about everything, I think I might actually try it later today, and post it here.

another day another movement foward

today shaped up to be pretty well, all be it I told someone I was in fact fine with what had happen when I seriously wasn't I hope she doesn't read this anymore, as I wouldn't want her to feel bad about it as I know her regretting doing it had to do a bit with hurting me or herself.

I'm fine with where we are now, I may have some hiccups like today playing her again brought back memories of when I first met her and how much fun I was having getting my ass kicked in a game. I seen her picture and  once again I found myself staring into her eyes as if she was staring back at me,Telling me how much she loves me and always will.

I have to fight my urge to tell her. I cannot be selfish when she needs to be happy on her own, my feelings sprouting back again may cause a pause in that, and also may cause her to keep her distance from me, which I pray never happens.


I took her picture that I seen today, and saved it, whenever I feel like I miss her or need to say something that I know I shouldn't or can't say to her, I tell it to this picture I let out everything I feel,It's not here as my crutch, because I need her in that way. Its here to remind me of what love is, and what it feels like, and what it looks like to me, whenever I feel sad, I just look there to warm my heart.

I love you Mom

                                          Through Hardships you guided me
                                         Through the good times you had me
                                               Not always in the right
                                       But will always have the right  heart



                                                    I love you mom.

Silent farewell

if I were to go today, would anyone notice? would it even matter? would things be easier? I could die today and no one would know, I could be giving my farewell here and no one would have the slightest idea. I wouldn't take that way out though,I love myself more than that, I just wish someone else would to.

foot insert mouth

sometimes I really don't process situations in the best ways, and it leads me to fuck up things, did it today, I wish I could take it back because it was really unfair to say, its hard both ways, I shouldn't bring up past mistakes to justify my own selfishness.


She told me something today, that made ever losing her even harder, but at the same time the greatest thing someone has said to me "Jr Adkins I love you, and will always love you.No matter what happens to you or me I will always love you" I still hear the words echo in my head now. It warms my heart ten fold,some people may have dreams of becoming rich or famous or whatever, all I've ever dreamed of was someone wanting to love me no matter what, not obligated by relation.

Just to know that helps through all of these trying times,even now, when I know she's mad for what I said, but she still loves me, I keep letting my head get away from me though, and its playing with my heart,I still feel it deep down that this is just the beginning, I don't know how many more times the strength of our commitment we'll go through. I want her to be happy as she can be she deserves it, I just pray she embraces it with the one who cares for her now, and has,through all of it.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

what did I do? I just tried to talk for a little bit after work, but get yelled at first, so I don't call I give her space, I shouldn't have called today, I wanted her to come to me, she obviously doesn't want to talk,so I'm just wasting my own time and making myself crazy, yelling at the top of my lungs, frustrated. I miss you babe, I'm sorry if I'm appearing at the wrong time, but do you have to be so mean to me? I Love you is all :/

Sometimes things aren't always easy

Today was not an easy day, went back to more common duties at work today, I felt a bit winded by some of it, seems like I'm getting sick. I've been hot and lightheaded all day, had to buck it up to help my mother out today though, its been tough, helping her up and down off her bed, as she tells me she's scared and cries on my arm as I comfort her, I tell her it'll be ok and she tells me how she doesn't know what she'd do without me.

as I sit here in my backyard, in the cold howling wind, I feel comfort here, it embraces me, keeps me away from the increasing doubts in my head, keeps me from wondering how much time I have left with her, I want to take her to where we want to spread her ashes, but I don't think she'll be healthy enough to make the journey.

I can hear the wind, it's almost like its running on my emotions, I think of the person my heart jumps for and the wind howls more than it has. I think of my mother and it almost feels as though it's weeping for me.This wind has become a anchor to my thoughts, my emotions, and my dreams.

I almost want to just stay here all night, and escape from all of this hardship,other than the moments I spend with the woman I love, her voice comforts me so easily, just hearing it makes me happy, one of the reasons I sometimes can't hear her when she talks to me.I can't use her as my crutch, its not what I want her to be, this wind will do for now, its not the same comfort or embrace, its something different, something that works for now.


 

poetic rambling

                                               I write this and wonder
                                           Am I good enough to keep her?
                                               does it take one whisper
                                           a echo of happiness from the past,
                                             calling her back into embrace 
                                    My heart stuttering,crying out,asking,wanting,
                                           wondering, am I good enough?

just a random ramble

bah, I can't sleep, am I irritated? am I mad? I don't think so, frustrated? a little I guess, but I'm a big boy, I can manage. sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy, my friends are so far away, and I just had to tell my friend who's also my roommate he has to move out, now I feel like I'm even more alone.

sometimes I feel so pressured by my sister to do more than I should because she keeps playing on my guilt towards leaving them, sometimes I feel trapped here,but I know I can't leave them, they need me. I wish I could be where my heart is, but I know its not time yet.


I don't know if anyone will ever read this, I don't really care either, this is really just for me pouring myself out when I can't do so to others, I listen again and again as my mother cries in agony from more problems that seem to come to her every new day, I keep my head up and move forward, although my heart aches every time I hear her scream from some pain.

I hope no one does read this, its all so sad now, I'm still happy because of someone, but I can't always escape into her embrace, she needs her own time, so I have to suck it up and muster on, I won't burden her with telling her, I don't want her to see me sad, because she makes me so happy. I do the same with my mother, I don't know how much longer she has.


I wish she could stay and see my children some day, or meet my wife, or just see me make something of myself. I get so angry when I think of all of it, its not fair, but life isn't fair, you make the most of what you get, and that's what I'm going to do. I just wish my time alone didn't make me sad so much.

Transition

everyone has to transition into something at some point in their life, I find myself transitioning into a great deal of different things as of recent, Some have been really good (the new love in my life) while others have been difficult and very trying (my mother's cancer) and others have just caused me anger (my father.)


I think all of this transitioning has made me stronger,I'm still failing at some things though, although I'm trying, I can still be a bit "dumb" at times. 

Happiness

what is happiness? its a mental state of well-being characterized by positive emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy.Now I am feeling it more than ever,The women in my life have brought me here, from all the love my girlfriend gives me, to the strength my mother shows to fight, these women make me life so much better and worth fighting for.


I have never been in a state of this much bliss, its almost like a drug I can't come off of, and I don't want to.The weather seems to be in the same mood I am, bright and sunny with no cloud in sight, its like I've finally made my way out of this dark looming cloud to finally see the sunshine.

when I look at her I just smile, she makes me so happy, she makes me feel worth, she is my heart, my other half, dare I say my soul mate? it sure feels that way, I thank god everyday for bringing her into my life. 

Trying something different

I didn't think I'd ever make myself a blog, I always felt I wouldn't express myself too much online, although I find myself doing it more and more this year. I made this on the suggestion of my girlfriend. Funny enough my first "blogging"is all about her, I woke up this morning and decided to read her own blog, only to feel confused and wondering again.

I love her more than I have anyone, and sometimes it feels a bit scary being this open. I've been hurt twice by her and right now my heart and emotions are very fragile.she makes me so happy, but I don't want to be stuck in the shadow of her ex, and It always feels like I'll be competing with her past. 

I went outside and sat on my cover to my hot tub, drifting off into thought about everything, and before I realized it,I had tears rolling down my cheek. My emotions seem to be controlling me a lot lately,every time I hear her tell me she loves me My heart races and I get the biggest jolt through my body, its almost like a drug,but just as fast as that comes so does the feelings of her ripping them out again.

I don't want to feel like that, but when her ex is still so important to her,I feel like I'll never get to the point where I'm enough for her. Maybe I'm being selfish, I don't want to crowd her or give her obligations, She just means so much to me. If I could sum up a song that describes how I feel about her now it'd have to be "cosmic love" by florence and the machine.

I write so much about her because I want to spend my life with her,when I think of her I think of a future,I think of a wonderful mother, wife, and friend.  some people say I'm stupid and thinking too far ahead, but I can feel all of this in my heart. I love you L.