A glimmer of hope

I got a call from someone I didn't expect to. I thought I sorta blew it with her seeing as how we got into a huge fight last time we talked And I called her shallow in which she threw the fact her liking me was probably apart of that. Burn? A friend of mine hooked me up and gave me a second chance by vouching for me. She called me earlier today and we had a long talk over things.

We decided to go out and see where things go from here, but it looks good. I always felt she was out of my league since I met her years ago.I admittedly told her this and she reassured me by boosting my ego telling me I was really cute and always thought I was. And that I should have asked her out years ago. Confidence plays a big part with women evidently. So I didn't miss my chance this time and went for it.

It's brightened up my day as well and I'm sorta freaking out a bit over tomorrow night, and how it goes. She is easy enough to talk to, but I've never been in this situation with her before and I am very nervous about how it goes. She's picking me up to go out for dinner and then a movie or something. It'll be good to go out on a date after a long while but it should be fun.

If I don't blow it :p Wish me luck!

Ho Ho Ho?

***Warning***

Reading this post might make you feel not so good about the holidays so if you're in a good mood and are looking for a cheery post don't bother reading.



I hate this time of the year. I haven't always, but the last few years it's shown me what I don't have anymore. And that is a family. Seeing as how Christmas is a time for being with your loved ones I don't really have any right now so it sorta just shows you how alone you are when you don't.

I know one day this holiday will mean something again, but now I could care less.Call me a Grinch or a Scrooge or whatever I could give two fucks. I still have so many dreams about my mom. Its only been a year and I still think of her all the time. The holidays are just another day on the calender for me now.

While I feel good about overcoming my grief over losing her and moving passed the first person I ever loved. I am still in a dark place right now. And I don't know when I'll be out of it, it's been a hard few months. I don't know how long it's going to take me to find a job. And our rent only dropped a little to help my sister out.

God dammit I hate that almost every time I decide to post in my blog it's fucking negative and sad and depressing. I hate it. but I don't have anyone to talk to about this anymore. And I feel like if I don't say it here and bottle it up I'm going to end up taking it out on myself physically like I used to. (Mainly by punching things that destroy my hands) That's something I don't want to do anymore.

It could be the fact I quit smoking weed and cigarettes that have me extra depressed and full of angst. I don't know though. Being alone sucks. and having no family is even worse. Fuck, I can't wait for January 1st already. Ho ho horrible.

Solitude

Feeling a bit better about everything today. Although I feel extremely lonely. I started on my book. I got about 8 pages in so far. It's been a fun way to take my mind off of other stressful things going on. I feel like I should try to do more on other things but I feel okay with it all.

I really wonder if I'll meet anyone with how I go about things. Someone real at least but, I shouldn't make that a priority by any means.I dunno just feels like going through life alone isn't always the best option but right now it's my only one.

It's time to move on.

Yea, I think It's finally done. I finally feel it's done. No more feelings. No more thinking about it. No more. feels good. And I should have been like this a while ago.

Being stuck on something for so long is not healthy. Especially when it feels like it's one sided. Like they didn't care anymore for a long time. And you kept giving them this benefit of the doubt that you shouldn't have. I know how stupid and pathetic it looked. And I don't plan to ever go back to that feeling again. It's over never will I think about that again never will I acknowledge it or dwell on it beyond this post.

It hasn't been whats making me feel like shit, but I kept feeling like if I had them back in my life, things might be better, but how? They have moved on 3 times over with different people. And me to just stay stuck in that shadow of a relationship is just stupid.

Sleeping is the best thing in the world.

I don't know anymore.

Trying to be positive in this holiday season. I flirted with this girl on the train but just so happens she had a girlfriend. Yea a girlfriend. Been hard trying to find a job that doesn't make me want to kill myself, but you have to do what you have to do. The holidays really can show you how alone you are, which sucks. And I've never felt more alone than I do this season.

Everything I write seems so negative and dark, just a downward spiral of bitterness and loneliness. I wish it wasn't I wish I could be more upbeat and enjoy life and everything but I can't. Is there answers out there to how I get everything back? How I can be happy again? How life can have some kind of meaning other than to try to make it through the next damn day?

I'm surprised anyone reads this blog, maybe some people do to feel better about themselves, because this is just so damn pitiful I'd read it myself to feel better about my own life if it wasn't my own blog.

I should be thankful I'm alive and healthy and have a roof over my head. But shouldn't I want more? Shouldn't everyone want more? I should start taking things into my own hands and trying to get my stuff in order. But sometimes I feel like what am I doing this for? Why am I so important that I need to. I just don't feel like I'm worth it half the time.

For those reading this I don't mean to be a downer, but it's getting harder to find things I enjoy. It's getting harder to push past all of my failures. All of my guilt. All of my loneliness. I don't know why every damn post is full of sappy dark wallowing pity. But what else can I do? I'm at my wits end. I just want to be happy and enjoy what life brings. But all I've gotten is heartache.


Maybe I should just stop trying everything in general. And just wallow away.

More Madness from a lost soul

So I figured I write even more because I feel better when I talk about all of this for some reason.
My dad has been calling me and my sister for about 4 months now, my sister will not take his calls. I on the other hand have had to lie why she doesn't want to talk to him. He's been sober for about 5 months now and I'm proud of him, but my sister isn't on board yet. Said she'd actually acknowledge his sobriety when he's reached like 5 years.

I think it's a bit rough but she's been around him a lot longer than I have. Retail is something I didn't want to ever get back into as far as jobs go, but right now I don't have much choice on the matter. The job I had before was the longest I had kept. 3 years, 3 years and I was let go because I was 7 minutes late. All be it I was on my final warning, and that was because I would work my ass off and forget to take a lunch break before my 5th hour.

I was good at my job, damn good, it takes 2 people to do what I did in 3 hours. And I was let go because of bullshit. When I left the whole atmosphere at the place changed. I had people calling me telling me it was a lot less fun and silly (which is basically me in a nutshell at times). 3 other people left after me because of the way things were going. I'm not saying I was the life of the store, but I was a big part of what made people smile.

I miss my mom everyday, it's still so surreal that she's not here anymore. I have dreams about her all the time in our old townhouse back in Hayward before I moved out here. I still wake up every few days and just go "damn, she's really not coming back". It's still hard to swallow, when you lose someone who did so much for you, and they are no longer around it's hard to try to do those things yourself. It almost feels like you shouldn't be doing because that other person was doing them and did them so good.

I have a hard time letting go of anything, I can't lie and say that I don't still love my Ex from last year,because I do. If that's pitiful and sad then call me one pitiful sad man. I had fun, I enjoyed her, she made everything in my life not suck.And I still wake up every now and then and wonder what if. I don't dwell on it, I just look at it as a missed opportunity.

I don't go out much, I don't have a car, I don't know how to drive. All my friends are all really busy with their own lives, while I sit and let mine waste away.All I have now are my hobbies and this, this blog. Well it's good for one thing, and that's the one thing I love more than almost anything, and that's to write.

I don't want anyone's pity, that's not why I'm writing this, it's just me telling a blog what I can't tell my friends, what I'm scared to tell myself. But it has to be said, or else I'm just keeping it bottled and that's no good for anyone. I hope everyone who read's this has a happy holiday season, even if I'm not.

The insane ramblings of a lost and tortured soul

This has turned into an extremely rough month. I don't know if I'm going to get my unemployment, I decided to take a leave of absence from school because I can barely pay my bills. The only job I can actually get is another job I told myself I would never take again.

Why did I have to fuck up so bad in high school? Why do I have to be so stubborn. And procrastinate and ruin things that are good.

Why is it that I take one step forward and then take 5 steps back. My sister wants to move in with her boyfriend by the time our lease is up here, which is cool, I'll have my own place. On the other hand will I though? I'm not working, and if this appeal for my unemployment doesn't kick in I won't be able to pay rent next month.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to ask my friends for help again, I feel like I would be taking advantage of them. My phone was cut off. My life feels cut off. What the fuck am I doing?


I know suicide isn't the answer, but it sure feels like an easy way to get rid of a thousand problems. I'm going to just sleep the rest of today, and dream of a life that would be better. A wife, kids, writing movies and tv shows and the like. Everything I've always wanted, but can't seem to get to. Because I seem to be my own worse enemy.

I stayed up all night, because there is this feeling you get when you don't have any sleep, it's this sort of zombie state. Where you just zone out of reality in are stuck in this bubble. I love that bubble, it's more than likely super unhealthy but it's all I have right now.

Maybe if I had a little more faith or a little more perseverance or something . I fucking hate the holiday season. Second year I will go with no X-mas or family or friends on it. I think I'm getting used to being alone in my own silly little world.

Same Shit different story

reading some of my last entries I really want to slap myself at times. I've become this big whiny baby and I want to slap myself when I read some of this.

School's going good I guess, sorta messed up my last class but have been doing great with this month's course. I've felt weird lately really weird. Like I hate to be repetitive but I feel like I'm stuck in neutral as far as life is going. Didn't really have a thanksgiving this year and probably won't have a X-mas either. Fuck I tried so hard to not make this post depressing as hell but it's become that.

I think it's time I grew up a little bit more and grab life by the balls and do something. I feel like I'm in this shitty rut and I don't want to get out of it because I don't really care. I don't seem to care about much of anything atm. And I hate that, but what do I do to fix it? How do I care again? how do I care, and not let it ruin me or make me even more depressed than I can sometimes be.

Writing in this blog helps me vent when I don't want to tell my friends the rutt I'm in, because they all have been doing great for the most part. One friend has just finally had a boy after two girls, and another friend has been doing great as a father to four kids that aren't his own. How do I talk about my problems to them when they are so insignificant to begin with.

sometimes I wish I never used a computer, or played video games, or any of the things I do to waste my life away, but that shouldn't be what I blame for my miss-comings in recent years, it's my own.


ughhhhh I turned this into another sappy downer post, I'm sorry for those who actually read this. I hate to bum out everyone even more. Sometimes there is no other place to gripe and bitch and moan then you're own blog. Get one kids!

Numb

starting to feel numb to feelings in general. A good friend of mine is going through so much right now and I've been there to help her out, but I feel like I'm so numb to bad things that I sometimes don't take into account her feelings. She wants to go out this Saturday for lunch. I said yes but I don't know how to talk about all of this that she's been through.

I feel so weird right now, so far away from everyone, just in my own fucking world doing whatever I please. I feel so selfish but thinking and knowing about it makes me even more selfish to me.

god sometimes I hate all of this. so much. Also feeling jealous, because I just cannot see my fucking ex one day. And the day I decide to read one of her posts it just makes me jealous as hell. It's my own fault for reading the damn thing.

Idle

Schools going good. Wish I could stop putting off work so late in the week though. Been sick this week very sick, but still managed to go to work and eventually do my work. Things in school are good and work is fine. Life itself feels sorta idle, I think after all the progress I made in changing things I fell back into that old rutt.

I don't really seem to care about it either, it's all school and work right now. I have no interest in a love life. And I wonder, if that's a bad thing. kinda feels like it might.

My birthday is this friday and I don't know what I'm going to do or even care about it. Just feels like another day.


One year ago yesterday my mother died. I think about her everyday I wake up. I miss her so much, I wish she was here to see me going back to school and doing good. She'd be proud of me. You can't always have what you want, because if you could I would still be with my girlfriend from last year.

I think I'm broken.

Stirring old feelings up

So while on an irc channel I tend to visit, a friend brought up a old discussion on a forum about her. All my emotions came rushing forward with the sheer mention of her. At this very moment I can't stop myself from shaking. I feel like I don't think I will ever get over her. Fucking shit. How many times am I going to keep saying that? It seems almost pathetic in a sense but, they do say you never truly get over the first person you fall in love with.

My life has been picking up and I'm doing better. I just got an A in my last course.And my GPA is now a 3.0
My sister and friends are proud and impressed with what I'm doing. But my mind still wanders. Asking myself, "What would she think about this? how is she doing?" Why do I need to even think about it? I don't know honestly. My love life is weird right now, just random dating and I've worked up the courage to ask out women now,but she still stays in my heart and on my mind.

I know part of it is because I never got closure, which was my own fault. I became a complete asshole and creep. I lost myself in rage and heartache. I've written countless poems over how I felt over it all And about her. They just sit here in my folder, all of them. Full of my anger, full of my tears, full of my love. Full of my regret. I don't know what to do other than to just ignore it all. I fight back a few tears now over how I feel. It's weird, It's been so long now but, it still feels like it was only last month everything happened.

I'll do what I've done in the past, use this blog, my poetry, my friends and my writing to get past this hole in my heart. I know I can sooth it, but I don't think I can ever fill it.

Living to write.

This week has been interesting. Writing stories and screenplays for school have actually helped me dive into my own personal stuff a bit better. As I've been taking events and situations in my own life and writing about them. Doing this has actually helped me see things through other people's eyes that I never noticed. It's help me see myself in another light and makes me want to change myself more so than I ever thought I needed to.

A friend at work had asked me why I wanted to write, why I wanted to have this as my career. It's simple. I love to live in my head. I love to live out my fantasies and fears and triumphs through storytelling. I know I mention her a lot and haven't recently,but I really should thank my ex girlfriend for giving me the idea of this blog. It's shown me what I really want to do with life and has really changed me for the better.

Writing is something that lets me share what I can't share out-loud either because I'm afraid or because I don't know how to express myself fully. I owe her a lot for this, and am so happy I found something that I love to do.

also my date went okay Saturday, I don't know if I'll go out with her again though but it was nice to have a date on a Saturday night in like forever.

Single life.

Being single has been good lately, like really living the single life. Dating and all that has been hard for me in general but I've gotten better at it. I feel good that I finally take the chance to actually ask someone out rather than being approached. Confidence does go a long way.

going out Saturday! should be good! yay me

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is the first birthday of my mother's since she passed. I hadn't thought too much about her in recent weeks although she's always in my heart. I started to think about her the other day on the way home; I ended up teary eyed again, I don't know when I'll ever get over her lost entirely.

My faith isn't really around anymore so I don't really see her like my sister does as her "looking down" on us. I keep her in my heart and that's good enough for me.

all those who still have their mothers please don't take advantage of them. Love them and treat them good. You only get one mother.Treasure her.

Today from the advice from a friend, I made an attempt at asking someone out, found out they were with someone so that was a failure, but I at least attempted to ask her. Although now I feel a bit stupid for putting so much effort forward and falling on my face. I took it with stride and moved on, I don't know if its my age that's making me worry about being alone, or I'm just worried in general that I'm never going to find someone because of me.

I don't think I can change who I am, and I don't open up to people very easily, which has hindered me in the past. Why the fuck is almost every post about my love life? which is funny because I don't have one, or much of a life either atm besides school and work.

God I feel pathetic right now. *slaps self* good night.

why fight what you can't control

I was wrong when I said I can be fine by myself. Its not always easy, I sorta feel like an idiot for two reasons; 

one, I realized when I mentioned happy birthday to someone, it was 5 days early, July 21st sticks in my head because that was the day I decided that even though we were going through a rough part then, I still loved her and wanted to show it in a sonnet. Second, and this one makes me question myself and my state of mind. I found a few conversations I had with my ex from last year. reading them back we had a lot of fun talking to one another and goofing around I miss the start of our relationship.

I started to really think and reflect and just ask myself; "Are you sure you are over her? I questioned my caring about her.Is it just simply caring about someone you once loved? or is it that you're still IN love? the answer is I am. Fuck I seriously still am. I never have gotten over her. I don't think I ever will. god I hope she doesn't read this. last thing she needs is some ex from last year stuck on her forever.

I can't get over it, even when I try my best. I can look past being in love with her, but I can't say I'm over her. I'm not, and what does that say about me? I feel like a total loser to be honest, not because its her, but because its been a fucking year now, I've had another girlfriend since then, but I'm still in love with her.

This is how bad this is, today at work while on my break I was messing with my phone, I happen to run across her number in my phone and I know that number is a land line but I sent a text to it. All my emotions came rushing through when I seen her name. all the memories the late nights we spend just talking. waking her up in the morning before I went to work. All of it, I loved all of that I never have been more happy then when I was with her. 

The text I had sent to her was " I want to marry you, I want to be with you until my last breath. I want to have children with you so that there is another part of you that I can love.I have no heart when I don't have you. I will never want anyone like I want you."  I even contemplated flying out there to see her. But that would be bad for a bunch of reasons, the main reason being it put me in the "stalker" category. That's not what I am or want to be.

God I hope she doesn't read this post. Although a part of me deep down, that thinks this post will make her fall back in love with me wants her to. I don't know how to deal with this entirely. I don't know how to talk to someone about this without them looking down on me. I know what this make me; a sad sack who can't get over something that happen over a year ago. I'm sorry but I feel, no I KNOW I will never find anyone like her again, and that's what really scares me.

I love you with all my being lisa, and I don't think there will be a time when I won't not love you. If that makes me a loser, or whatever so be it. It's the price I'm willing to pay for my feelings, I can't control how my heart works. I can only listen to it. 

Caring

Is it ok to not have feelings anymore but,care for an ex? I find myself in a little bit of a bind, I decided to check her blog out today for the hell of it, thinking it be another post of her doing well and it wasn't. So I made a comment about it, which I think I probably shouldn't have. She was an important part in my life during a difficult time. My mother was very ill during the time I was seeing her, and she was really good at keeping my mind off of that.

I think we could be good friends,if she got over my in-sensitiveness,but I don't know if we should. Like, would feelings come back? I don't have any now, I'm fine with myself. I think it would be good for her to take a break from romance too. Its not my place but she went from a boyfriend she was with for a long time, to me to another guy and they all were in a short time from one another.

I understand why I still care about her, she gave me my first love. To be completely seriously honest, I don't think I would've ever fallen in love the way I was going if it weren't for her. Its not putting her up on this pedestal it's the simple fact I never felt that "free" to be myself around a girl before, every girl I had been with before her I wouldn't allow myself to be that open with and things would fizzle out.

I've changed since being with her, and my last ex I was just as ""free" with, although that would cause us to break up later.

The short reply is, I care about her, and hope she can be happy in whatever situation she's in. She was fun to be around because of her personality which is why I wish we were friends.

Sheesh, Do I ever shut up?

What the F$%# am I doing?

Ugh, I'm not spending as much time on my school work as I should have, now I have 2 assignments due today that I won't be able to get to, and two other assignments I didn't finish entirely that have dropped me down badly. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with school and my laid back nature doesn't help.

How do I break out of this mold? How do I help myself be a better scholar? I don't know, but I know I don't want to lose my scholarship or my chance at a real career. I need to step it up but I'm afraid of diving too much into my work and getting lost in the shuffle.

What did I get myself into to?

Moving through

2nd month of school started Monday, Finally I get to write instead of all those podcast. I seriously hate my voice, I never really heard it much other than a word or two, but after having to go back and re edit my voice samples to get them just right I notice how white I sound. I think my voice is extremely dorky,it doesn't match my appearance at all. Its something I'm going to have to get used to that's for sure.


The writing should be fun, and let me really explore all of my limits and talents and in the process, make me even better. I can't wait till I really get in. yay.

Finally

Ok. This is WAY passed due, but I am officially completely utterly and fully over my ex from a year ago. Like I see her where I visit and I feel nothing. Not like I lost what I felt for her,but now I don't think about what could have been, only what was and I like it. Well, except for the shit I fucked up.


It feels so good to not think about that I might have lost the best love in my life and just think of it as an experience,And know that there is more love out there for me someday.


^_^

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday lisa....

ok, I'm kinda shaking right now because I'm so nervous over actually sending a message, I'm sure I don't have a shot in hell with her anymore because well I ruined that, but I just had to say something that I've felt for a bit after finding the poem I had wrote for her a year ago.

dwelling and living in the past isn't going to do me any favors, but I can't leave things as they are, it pains me to my very core to know the first person I ever fell in love with hates the very thought of me. I just hope someday she can forgive the violation of trust and line I crossed last year.

I wasn't thinking clearly but there is no excuse for my inappropriate behavior and comments, it was very immature of me and sick, I know that and I really don't deserve to be forgiven, but I had to try.

I really am sorry for being so thoughtless and inconsiderate to your feelings, if you do read this I don't mean to sour on your life now if its going well (I hope it is) its just been killing me inside for so long.

Moving off

Getting over your first love is not easy at all, its been a year and I still feel the same way, even after being with someone else for 5 months(which is over now and me not being able to let go being part of the blame). How long does this take? or like the saying goes "you never really get over your first love" I don't really know if I want to really. Is that bad?

sigh, I keep moving backwards.

Like Yesterday

I don't know about you guys who are reading this if you lost a loved one, but the other day I was in the shower, and for the oddest reason I can't explain I just flashed to my mothers last day, lying on her bed, in and out of sleep, me my father and sister moving her to feel more comfortable and me going into my room and lying down, my sister coming into my room and telling me my mom was gone.

I couldn't I WOULDN'T believe she was gone, I just closed my eyes and hoped it was just a dream I would wake up from,but it wasn't she was gone, I flashed back out of the memory and broke down and cried in the shower, I know I wouldn't get over her death this soon, but the feeling was like it was just yesterday.

Every day is a trial and test, I persevere onward because she would want that, but I'll never forget her Never.


I love you mom, always and forever.

I want her back, that is all.

Love Infinite

Is it wrong to still have feelings for someone you haven't been with in almost a year?

I'm completely over what happened, but when I think about it, I find myself still infatuated with her, 

I have no plans of trying to enter her life again, or even if she'd let me into it. I don't want to ruin or put any kinks in anything she has going now, but I sometimes feel like I ruined something that could have been more.

I guess I have to make changes to my mistakes and not look back, but I know, I'll never lose the love I had for her, its something that will always be with me even if it doesn't stay with her. 

I plan to post more often and more random based on whats going on with me.


like being awake at almost 12 am when I have to get up @ 4 30 yay me!

Regrets

I decided to look back on whats been about almost a year of blogging,I seemed to have spent way too much time talking about my love life, or events that bring me down, I kinda regret being so dramatic last year, looking back at it I wish I could just slap myself for how I reacted after my break up.

I've just enrolled in school, it looks like my loans and everything will cover my two years in getting my bachelor's in creative writing.I'm extremely excited to get started, and a bit nervous at the same time, writing as you can see, is my passion, but I hope my writing can take me places that aren't always dark and sad.

I'm sure there is more to my writing than just melancholy short stories. I should begin classes at the end of next month, a new future has been brought into foresight and I can't wait to seize this opportunity and run with it. Wish me luck!

new directions and new goals

Well I'm single again, which is fine with me now, things were kinda dying off with my girlfriend and we decided it was time to just let things go and move on.I don't feel sad,I feel a sense of....I can't put it in words, I just kinda know things weren't going to work and I feel its for the best so she can find someone who will really love her.

I've been spending less time going out now after doing so much living for the last 5-6 months,I've love spending more time doing random stuff and enjoying whats out there, but I haven't had too much time to have some time to myself lately and today I'm going to do that.

I hope I can get through this sunday, it'll be the first mother's day since my mom has passed, I don't know how I'll feel.

Been a little while since I've written on here, so much has happened that I don't want to really talk about all of it all atm, I missed airing out whats on my mind though, I feel somewhat clogged up with stuff.

Baby Daddy

Ok, Its been a while since I wrote anything in here, but today well I just had to write about this, A friend from work asked me if I would be the surrogate for her and her partners baby, I actually know them both,(I worked with both of them, one I still work with) we've always been flirty with one another, and she would always tell me if she were to be with a guy it would be me, so.... Yea.


I told her I would think about it, she said I'd have no responsibilities or anything, but I could be in the child's life if I chose to since we're all friends, I dunno I wanted to have kids soon when I was ready and this seems like I wouldn't have much work if I decided to.I have no idea what I'll do, so for now I'll just wait and think.

Its time to let go

This is me, finally letting go of my past, letting go of the memories of what I had, letting go of the first time I fell in love. God I know anyone reading this feels like this is a broken record, I've come to realize that there is never going to be another time for us, there doesn't seem to be anything for us again, maybe not even friendship, probably because I'm too scared to reach out to talk because I put my foot in my mouth.


Its the best though, its been so long now,but its just NOW that I finally fully realize that I have to let go of that dream of something with her again some day of that family that I dreamed of.It was just that a dream, I have someone new, and I might not be in love again yet, but she deserves better than me browsing my ex's blog and reading her entries.It wasn't her catching me on her blog that pissed her off, it was the fact I told her it was my ex's blog, and that I would go and check every few weeks.

She knew it wasn't right, and deep down I did too.This is going to sound like a broken record again here too;
I'm sorry for being difficult and a jerk and asshole after we broke up, posting what we did together was inexcusable and you have every right to keep not speaking to me ever again.

Babe, I'm sorry I haven't been where I should be mentally,it took me a lot to realize that but I'm glad you were that kick in the ass that did so, I'm enjoying our time more and more now.

Phew.

I guess that closes the chapter to one part of my life for good, its hard, like seriously it was I didn't think it ever would be I mean I never thought I'd be phased by well, love.Heh go figure.

The Love is not lost

I think I'm still in love with her,I almost said something to her today on the channel we both visit, but I thought it best to keep to myself,I have someone else as does she, and it won't be healthy for me to start picking at that wound. I love that woman so much though,and I'm not afraid to admit it either, I need to let it go though, its not going to help any of us.

forming to break apart

Been busy being Mr boyfriend lately, its really somewhat of a job to be in a relationship that's well, not long distance and not just casual sex.I'm going shopping for things I didn't know I needed (or can even buy) I'm known as "We" now or anything I have has become "Our's" I'm guessing you don't always become one thing when you are involved, but that's what I feel like I've become.

I enjoy spending time, and getting closer and everything, but I am still not in love with her, she has already told me she loves me, what happens when I never feel that way? Do I keep going till its there? I thought I was falling for her, but I don't know, something feels different I'd hate to think I'm still caught up on Her, its been a while now and I mean c'mon  I know she was my first, but it can't be that can it?


Can it?

Wondering

Okay, I just rethought about how I got back with my girlfriend, we had a long talk about where we are in life, and where we wanna be,and how I have become very special to her and something positive in her life instead another one of her negatives.If she ever reads this, she might get a little pissed at me, but recently she confessed to me she had a drug problem in the past and it caused a rift in her relationship with her parents to this day (she doesn't talk to them).

She's not good making long term things work out, but suddenly she really wants to fix that by being with me, and making it work, she told me she was falling for me, I'm not quite there yet, I still have my shields up since the last time I fell in love (which also happened to be the first) I don't want it to end like that and me end up in another bubble of being stuck with a broken heart.

I really like her, and she's real fun to be around, the further this goes this time, the more I can see myself falling in love with her, also where I am in my life as far as my heart, a little part of it still and will always belong to my first love.That doesn't mean there's no part of it that will belong to her, but I'm fine with keeping things simple at the moment.

I didn't push her, but I want to try to help her if she's willing to have a relationship with her parents again, I know how important family is and you only have one mother and father.I'm really happy again it feels good to be in a positive place again the skies the limit, I realized that before I can love anyone again, fully, I need to love myself.

I think I finally do, Lisanna (Ya I know,I didn't plan to have the next girl I date to have a name close to my ex) thank you for reaching out and opening up to me, telling me about your struggles and insecurities I'm happy that we can try this relationship for real this time.

Shining Down

YAY! My credit check came out good, and it turns out we only have to pay the minimum for the security deposit of 500 dollars + a pro rate of the rent. I think my mom is nudging the big guy up stairs and telling him to hook us up.Thanks mom you're the best.


Also I think it should be mandatory for a boyfriend or girlfriend to tell their significant other BEFORE they decide to make a drastic change to themselves.My girlfriend decided she wanted a Mohawk,and lo and behold she has one,its not the typical version of one, its a bit of a variation, and she assures me she won't always wear it up in the style.So I'm going to be the good boyfriend and accept it.

I didn't really know she was sorta punk rock-ish which is actually turning out to be a bigger turn on than I expected. I'm really enjoying my life and where its going right now. A new beginning in a new place, Back with my girlfriend, and she wants more than what we had before, (which was dates on the end of the week and "booty calls") ahh everything is good.

3rd times the charm?

I might be stupid or lonely or horny, or something, but I got back together with my ex today.She told me she wanted more than what we had too, and realizes how hard it is to find that in today's world. That makes me happy, I hope this time things can work out for the best.

Moving Nightmare

God I hate moving, its such a pain in the ass, that and the fact my dad might have fucked up my credit just by giving me the same name as him is frustrating, I'll find out tomorrow for sure if everything is ok, if not It looks as though I might have no place to go. Which is not good.

Missing the Communication

I wonder, if I'll ever talk to her again, the baggage from our relationship has left me, but I would like to talk to her just to see how she's been, and to try again at being her friend, because no matter how things ended and how I felt, I still enjoyed playing games and talking to her, she has a very calming and comforting vibe to her.

Is that asking for too much? Should I just leave her be? I'm not lingering or any of that, but I truly believe deep down that she is a wonderful person to share your time with.Maybe I need to just let things be, but its hard for me to do so, when I feel like I might be missing out on a great friend. If I didn't let my feelings and bitterness get in the way of a friendship before things might be different now.


If you read this Lisa,I'd really like to try this time to be a real friend to you, I'm losing ones I've known for years left and right.More than anything else we had, I just enjoyed talking to you and I wish we could do that again.


Maybe this is asking too much, if it is, I apologize for stepping passed where I should, but it would be fun to play a game or shoot the shits with you.

always something

well I'm in the process of moving and its already hard as it is in the situation I'm in but to top that off the stupid credit check people, seemed to have found an eviction file on my credit, which isnt even me but my father. The last week I've had to call lawyers district managers and regional managers to get this problem solved.

I've finally got a hold of someone from the credit company, and am waiting on papers to be sent to fix this problem, oh and I have to PAY for them to fix their fuck up, like really? oh well, I have to move and this has to be fixed for that.

Returning to form

Its been a while since I felt like this, where I feel silly and want to just enjoy myself and life. Even before my mom passed last year, I was in a dark place, and after taking a hard long look at myself and who I know I am and what I want to be, I told myself "enough" and decided to make this change.


It won't be fast or easy, but its what I need, first thing is I'm going to try to make my posts more upbeat then my wallowing or whining about something that didn't go my way, when I look back at some of the stuff I wrote here I want to punch myself in the face, but all things come and go, and happy silly funny,crazy me is back,for good.

Not Looking anymore

Things have gotten better I suppose, broke up with my girlfriend of 4 months because I felt like things werent going to move pass casual sex and light dating, I've decided I'm not going to look for love anymore and let things move as they need be, I have enough people in my life who love and care about me without trying to kill myself trying to find that right girl to settle down and have a family with.

It'll come someday,hopefully........

Life is ok, and is getting better.