This has turned into an extremely rough month. I don't know if I'm going to get my unemployment, I decided to take a leave of absence from school because I can barely pay my bills. The only job I can actually get is another job I told myself I would never take again.
Why did I have to fuck up so bad in high school? Why do I have to be so stubborn. And procrastinate and ruin things that are good.
Why is it that I take one step forward and then take 5 steps back. My sister wants to move in with her boyfriend by the time our lease is up here, which is cool, I'll have my own place. On the other hand will I though? I'm not working, and if this appeal for my unemployment doesn't kick in I won't be able to pay rent next month.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to ask my friends for help again, I feel like I would be taking advantage of them. My phone was cut off. My life feels cut off. What the fuck am I doing?
I know suicide isn't the answer, but it sure feels like an easy way to get rid of a thousand problems. I'm going to just sleep the rest of today, and dream of a life that would be better. A wife, kids, writing movies and tv shows and the like. Everything I've always wanted, but can't seem to get to. Because I seem to be my own worse enemy.
I stayed up all night, because there is this feeling you get when you don't have any sleep, it's this sort of zombie state. Where you just zone out of reality in are stuck in this bubble. I love that bubble, it's more than likely super unhealthy but it's all I have right now.
Maybe if I had a little more faith or a little more perseverance or something . I fucking hate the holiday season. Second year I will go with no X-mas or family or friends on it. I think I'm getting used to being alone in my own silly little world.
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