Ho Ho Ho?

***Warning***

Reading this post might make you feel not so good about the holidays so if you're in a good mood and are looking for a cheery post don't bother reading.



I hate this time of the year. I haven't always, but the last few years it's shown me what I don't have anymore. And that is a family. Seeing as how Christmas is a time for being with your loved ones I don't really have any right now so it sorta just shows you how alone you are when you don't.

I know one day this holiday will mean something again, but now I could care less.Call me a Grinch or a Scrooge or whatever I could give two fucks. I still have so many dreams about my mom. Its only been a year and I still think of her all the time. The holidays are just another day on the calender for me now.

While I feel good about overcoming my grief over losing her and moving passed the first person I ever loved. I am still in a dark place right now. And I don't know when I'll be out of it, it's been a hard few months. I don't know how long it's going to take me to find a job. And our rent only dropped a little to help my sister out.

God dammit I hate that almost every time I decide to post in my blog it's fucking negative and sad and depressing. I hate it. but I don't have anyone to talk to about this anymore. And I feel like if I don't say it here and bottle it up I'm going to end up taking it out on myself physically like I used to. (Mainly by punching things that destroy my hands) That's something I don't want to do anymore.

It could be the fact I quit smoking weed and cigarettes that have me extra depressed and full of angst. I don't know though. Being alone sucks. and having no family is even worse. Fuck, I can't wait for January 1st already. Ho ho horrible.