Trying to be positive in this holiday season. I flirted with this girl on the train but just so happens she had a girlfriend. Yea a girlfriend. Been hard trying to find a job that doesn't make me want to kill myself, but you have to do what you have to do. The holidays really can show you how alone you are, which sucks. And I've never felt more alone than I do this season.
Everything I write seems so negative and dark, just a downward spiral of bitterness and loneliness. I wish it wasn't I wish I could be more upbeat and enjoy life and everything but I can't. Is there answers out there to how I get everything back? How I can be happy again? How life can have some kind of meaning other than to try to make it through the next damn day?
I'm surprised anyone reads this blog, maybe some people do to feel better about themselves, because this is just so damn pitiful I'd read it myself to feel better about my own life if it wasn't my own blog.
I should be thankful I'm alive and healthy and have a roof over my head. But shouldn't I want more? Shouldn't everyone want more? I should start taking things into my own hands and trying to get my stuff in order. But sometimes I feel like what am I doing this for? Why am I so important that I need to. I just don't feel like I'm worth it half the time.
For those reading this I don't mean to be a downer, but it's getting harder to find things I enjoy. It's getting harder to push past all of my failures. All of my guilt. All of my loneliness. I don't know why every damn post is full of sappy dark wallowing pity. But what else can I do? I'm at my wits end. I just want to be happy and enjoy what life brings. But all I've gotten is heartache.
Maybe I should just stop trying everything in general. And just wallow away.
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