one, I realized when I mentioned happy birthday to someone, it was 5 days early, July 21st sticks in my head because that was the day I decided that even though we were going through a rough part then, I still loved her and wanted to show it in a sonnet. Second, and this one makes me question myself and my state of mind. I found a few conversations I had with my ex from last year. reading them back we had a lot of fun talking to one another and goofing around I miss the start of our relationship.
I started to really think and reflect and just ask myself; "Are you sure you are over her? I questioned my caring about her.Is it just simply caring about someone you once loved? or is it that you're still IN love? the answer is I am. Fuck I seriously still am. I never have gotten over her. I don't think I ever will. god I hope she doesn't read this. last thing she needs is some ex from last year stuck on her forever.
I can't get over it, even when I try my best. I can look past being in love with her, but I can't say I'm over her. I'm not, and what does that say about me? I feel like a total loser to be honest, not because its her, but because its been a fucking year now, I've had another girlfriend since then, but I'm still in love with her.
This is how bad this is, today at work while on my break I was messing with my phone, I happen to run across her number in my phone and I know that number is a land line but I sent a text to it. All my emotions came rushing through when I seen her name. all the memories the late nights we spend just talking. waking her up in the morning before I went to work. All of it, I loved all of that I never have been more happy then when I was with her.
The text I had sent to her was " I want to marry you, I want to be with you until my last breath. I want to have children with you so that there is another part of you that I can love.I have no heart when I don't have you. I will never want anyone like I want you." I even contemplated flying out there to see her. But that would be bad for a bunch of reasons, the main reason being it put me in the "stalker" category. That's not what I am or want to be.
God I hope she doesn't read this post. Although a part of me deep down, that thinks this post will make her fall back in love with me wants her to. I don't know how to deal with this entirely. I don't know how to talk to someone about this without them looking down on me. I know what this make me; a sad sack who can't get over something that happen over a year ago. I'm sorry but I feel, no I KNOW I will never find anyone like her again, and that's what really scares me.
I love you with all my being lisa, and I don't think there will be a time when I won't not love you. If that makes me a loser, or whatever so be it. It's the price I'm willing to pay for my feelings, I can't control how my heart works. I can only listen to it.
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