Still

If You read this Lisa


I still love you, and will always love you.



You always enter my mind at some point and I smile, Wish I could feel that again,

Wishful thinking

I kind of knew it was fake, but I guess the thought of someone reaching out for me clouded my judgement, I should have ignored it and just moved on. Instead I let my loneliness get the better of me and I paid the price for it. I knew deep down it was all fake, but I didn't want to admit to myself how lonely I really am. This whole thing opened that wound and now I find myself writing in here to let out the feelings I have now.

I even tried to reach out to the only person I ever fell in love with I don't know what I was expecting or going to get because it's obvious that ship has sailed with her and it's never coming back. I knew that, yet I still tried only to fall on deaf ears again. I know why I did, the small tiny chance that maybe she'd listen or be there.

So I sit here, writing this fighting back the tears in my eyes from the feeling of failure once again. Wondering why I even bother, I honestly don't know anymore, I know a pity party doesn't help either,.I just don't really know what to do anymore, and I feel like I might be on my own forever. I thought I was fine with it, but it's pretty clear I'm not.

It'd be nice to just talk to her again, only to know someone cared because they wanted to, not because we're blood and have to. I hate being in this state of mind, I hate feeling so down on myself and feeling like nothing good will ever come but I only have myself to blame for me being stuck.

I have never missed being loved by someone so much before in my life, it's been 3 years since I felt like I did the last few days, I knew it was fake, but I still enjoyed the feeling, and pretending, I never thought I'd miss it so much, but now I find myself missing the real love I had once upon a time,I find myself missing her all over again.

Growing Up

It took 31 years, but I finally feel like I'm becoming a real adult. Not making the same lazy childish mistakes, taking better care of myself. Which included quitting smoking, something that I thought I'd never do. I feel like it's time for me to be the man my mother would be proud of. The man I should be proud of. 

The more and more I see my friends making their families bigger I find myself wanting my own. There's a lot of things I have to do before that, And hopefully it's not too late. I'd love to watch my children grow and steer them in directions I was too afraid and unwilling to go. I don't want to live through them, but I want them to do what I couldn't do, be what I couldn't. 

Before I do that, I have to find someone again, I have to get past finding a warm body for the night. Sometimes I have to wonder what I'm so afraid of. I have to make big changes, including how I spend most of my days, I can't be this hermit I'm turning into, I can't be afraid of whats out there. And what might come. It's not entirely easy for me to really find anyone though. I think that can be said for anyone though. Love isn't easy and it doesn't drop in your lap, but I'm willing to try and I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone to do so. 

It's time, It's time to grow up. 

More of the same

I forgot I had this, I haven't said anything in a while, things haven't moved too differently since the last time I was replying. I feel like a big change is coming though, it's time for me to stop some habits and start some new ones.

This is so underground so whatever. I thought about you for the first time in about a year, Lisa. I doubt you even think about me or even care to.I mean it's been 3 years so there's no real reason for you to. I really have nothing more to add to it. I'm at peace with everything that happened during and after I wish things could have went better and we were on better terms, but I'm going to always have love for you.

I don't think I'll ever actually stop really loving you, I told this to my best friend, whom I almost ended up dating recently. She told me there's something about your first love that no one else can replace. And that the way I felt is natural and as long as I have love in my heart, the way I feel for you won't change.

I have no clue why I feel the need to express this now, but it feels good to. And I don't regret how I feel or anything that happened, minus all the times I was jerk of course.

Last Resort

Have you ever felt like you might be someone's fallback? If everything else were to fall apart for them, and they can't find anyone else, they know you'll always be there, they keep an eye on you but will never admit it.


Why do I get that feeling now?


It's funny at first when I felt like that, I was angry, like I wasn't good enough from the beginning but I'm fine to end up with after everything else falls apart.After thinking about it, maybe it's in my nature but I can't help but feel like that now means they feel that I'm good enough to be that last gambit at something good maybe even great. I guess I'm overly optimistic on life or, just a huge push over.Whatever the case, if all the pieces came into play I would be more than happy to be that final shot at a happy ending. Doesn't mean I'm going to be waiting though.

Reminiscent

So today I was looking through my friends on facebook, I noticed my ex had a star by "Friends" and everyone else had a check mark next to it. Found out it meant close friends, I don't remember changing it. Anyway I seen something that asked me if I wanted to write how we first met each other. I still remember how it started, it was in march. I remember being "yummy" that made me giggle when I first read it.

I was a little shy with her at first but talked to her on the forum and we began to hit it off. I really loved those first few chats we had. Everything was so new, so flirty and silly I had so much fun. She was a welcome change in my life, I  fell in love with this woman,she made my heart feel like a giant firework. With a single thought of her, the fuse was lit. As it slowly lit up the sky like a bursting star So did I, every time I thought or talked about her.I not only loved her but I was passionate about her.

I really miss that sometimes, I really miss HER sometimes like now for instance. I mean every time I open and write in this blog, it makes me think of her. I try to work up the nerve for a conversation to talk to her but I don't know how anymore. The way we were before, I don't think I can have that. And whats sad is I don't know how to be around her any other way. Am I like, broke? like really broken? Will I really feel this scared? This,afraid to just man the fuck up and say hi, I missed you, and I still love you, and I wish we could be back together.

I tried replacing the feelings I had for her with my friend I was real close with. And we talked about everything,including my ex.I love my friend, but I'm not in love with her, the night I told her I was.We talked all night, This feeling, it felt somewhat familiar but it wasn't the same as before, when we stopped talking I knew that, I ran to tell my ex my new exciting news, thinking THIS would be how I could get over her, letting her know I found someone.

We went our ways and I felt a little better.Then time kicked in and I felt like what I felt wasn't right, but I didn't want to tell kim that. Fortunately she did, and I didn't have to feel like an asshole for projecting feelings I have for my Ex on her. There has to be something I'm missing, I had moments, realizations that I was over her but, was I just lying to myself? I keep trying to tell myself no but, I see her face every now and then when I close my eyes.And that fuse is lit all over again.

I don't know if this is healthy, it's not like I follow her activity or anything like that. I just can't I can't get over her I don't even know if I want to. God, I miss her voice so much from the bottom of my heart. I miss hearing her tell me she loves me. I miss hearing about her life,or her cooking, or her cat or her kicking my ass in a game.I miss her.

If you're reading this, it means I sent that pm to you, I want to talk, but I'm seriously too scared as to what to say to you. If I made you feel uncomfortable or annoyed when I messaged you when I was drunk, I apologize. I just don't know how to talk to you anymore without all these feelings rushing out or instantly wanting to go back to how we used to talk.

I'm kidding myself if I think I'm over you, I think I tell myself this because I want to believe I am but, every time I think of you longer than 10 seconds, I can't think about anything else but wanting to tell you how much I love you.

where to go?

feeling extremely vulnerable, lonely and just used. I felt safe talking to her again, but obviously she had no time for me. I'm not mad or angry or disappointed or anything, she doesn't owe me shit. I dunno I felt safe talking to her like I could say anything and not be judged, maybe it's just falling back into old habits.

I just feel so taken advantage of, people abuse my kindness and run over me and I let them. Maybe I like it? I dunno I wish I could be more cold but it's not in my nature. I'm too kind hearted of a person thanks to all the horrible things I've done when I was younger. Do I still love her? Probably always but I'm not hung up on that, I just felt like talking to someone familiar someone who knows me and understands me. I guess it was just the wrong time for that, and that's not her fault but mine.


I just feel so alone atm, and it sucks, I shouldnt have gotten drunk by myself, now that it's winding down, I just feel sad, and miss what we had, I wish I had that back, I miss feeling loved like that, I miss knowing someone needs or wants me in their lives, not feeling obligated due to blood or loyalty to me. I hate being alone, but thats all I have now.



This blog is nothing more than the collected notes of my tears and sorrow, full of pain and ache and regret. Rage anger and remorse. I miss being happy, and healthy and loved. I miss being someone.