Wishful thinking

I kind of knew it was fake, but I guess the thought of someone reaching out for me clouded my judgement, I should have ignored it and just moved on. Instead I let my loneliness get the better of me and I paid the price for it. I knew deep down it was all fake, but I didn't want to admit to myself how lonely I really am. This whole thing opened that wound and now I find myself writing in here to let out the feelings I have now.

I even tried to reach out to the only person I ever fell in love with I don't know what I was expecting or going to get because it's obvious that ship has sailed with her and it's never coming back. I knew that, yet I still tried only to fall on deaf ears again. I know why I did, the small tiny chance that maybe she'd listen or be there.

So I sit here, writing this fighting back the tears in my eyes from the feeling of failure once again. Wondering why I even bother, I honestly don't know anymore, I know a pity party doesn't help either,.I just don't really know what to do anymore, and I feel like I might be on my own forever. I thought I was fine with it, but it's pretty clear I'm not.

It'd be nice to just talk to her again, only to know someone cared because they wanted to, not because we're blood and have to. I hate being in this state of mind, I hate feeling so down on myself and feeling like nothing good will ever come but I only have myself to blame for me being stuck.

I have never missed being loved by someone so much before in my life, it's been 3 years since I felt like I did the last few days, I knew it was fake, but I still enjoyed the feeling, and pretending, I never thought I'd miss it so much, but now I find myself missing the real love I had once upon a time,I find myself missing her all over again.