finding another way

 So this year has been rough for us all, Every year seems rough for me in some capacity or another, but this year has made me want to do less than I've ever wanted to do. I don't have any motivation to continue things I've started ages ago and I don't know if I'll get it back.  I want to write more and not about my boring life. I want to be able to make people feel something and enjoy something that I've done. Writing has always been my biggest outlet to get things off my chest, but what if it's biggest tool to finally be apart of this world? 

overly dramatic I know, that's my M.O. just have to get super serious about everything I have to do. I love to write though and it's been cathartic to write my emotions and feelings here, even if I sometimes regret some of the things I say afterwards (like my stupid post before this) at the time it feels good to get things off my chest. I can't open up to people like this because there's not too many people I can talk to. 

maybe writing about some of my fears will help me overcome them, help me figure out what I can do or should do. And maybe it is my calling. I won't know until I really try, so I think I'm finally ready to take that step. 

I won't let my own memories be twisted

Coming back to this two days in a row, doesn't normally happen, but it's been one of those weeks.
I understand some of the sorrow and anger some of the people have,but I can't ever view what I had with her negative, it's one of the only things I can look to when I think of things in my life that made me happy. I've lost so much of what did, and I don't want to lose anymore. I won't allow any of this to taint how I felt, how I feel. I never knew what the fuck it was to feel in love with someone till that moment, and I haven't since, that's how I know how special it was.

Didn't matter how it ended or started up again and ended. I don't care, I can't lose anything else that made me happy, and now just hearing how people are so one sided in how they view everything, it makes it so hard for me to be around, I don't hate these people, I don't resent them, they just don't understand, and they can't.

I've struggled with depression for so long, being alone isolating myself, which I've seem to have done again recently, it's hard to get close to people when you lose them or just drift apart, Been feeling worse health wise too it seems, haven't told anyone the full way I've been feeling. Just the little stuff. I'm so scared of what it could be or even telling the people close to me it could be worse, all I've got now is my sister and all she has is me, I can't give her more panic with me. It's been such a rough year and a half for both of us, moreso her than me.


I'm trying to stay positive and keep my mood up, I'm trying the best I can, and I'll continue to.
I'll look into seeing whats really wrong with me, hopefully before it's too late. Writing in this, really helps there's still things I can't tell anyone, it's just too hard and feels too selfish in the current climate. I'm one of many in a lot of situations, but I do know whats special to me and what keeps me
looking forward to the future,and living.

How to go forward when looking back is all you can do.

Been so long since I wrote in here, probably should have a lot sooner, possibly last year, when all this anxiety and whatever the hell is going on with me is. When I don't find a way to escape everything I find myself stuck in what happens when we die, just death itself. It's extremely hard to not think of your mortality when people the closes to you keep dying. And especially now, with the times we're in, it's all I can think about.

So that leads me to thinking about the past, and simpler times when I'd get off of school and see my mom and watch my cartoons and then go outside and play with my friends and things were a lot easier didn't have to worry about people dying, or being in love or people judging you for the color of your skin. Just you and your friends or family taking those little trips to the mall, or the beach. Those things we think we'll do all the time or always have.

They aren't here anymore, and I find myself not knowing how to move past that, it's the only times I can feel happy, those chunks of beautiful moments, times with my mom, times with darian just outside talking about life and shooting the shit about nothing, I seen someone the other day that made me think for a second he was still here, I almost wanted to run up to the person and just hug them, but I know it's not him.

I've been extremely one off for a while now, I've made a lot of changes and got myself out of wallowing for a bit, but it's getting harder now, it's hard to find people to talk to about this and not drag them down into my own depression, I honestly don't know what to do other than at some point come to terms with my death and what can come after.


I wish it wasn't so hard, I wish I could find someone to share this with and feel like I'm progressing and not just hiding. I'm always so fucking scared, and I don't know what to do about it. Writing here for the first time in a while has helped, allowed me to be open with myself and how I really feel. And sadly it's not very good,some days are better than others, locked away with my own thoughts can be scary and a place I don't like to go to.


I guess writing it out is a bit of a release, maybe help me see I have a whole life ahead me before I die,that's what I like to tell myself at least. There will be so much you'll do and experience and be apart of. I still want to have kids and a family some day, probably won't get the one I used to dream about, because like everything else, it's just me looking back and staying there, I really miss it, and wish I could find something like that all those memories I've gotten over my life could come more now, I just want to stop feeling so scared of living.

Brighter

Things have been going pretty good for me recently, been seeing someone for about 2 months now, going slow, but I'm having fun. I've let go of some of my hangups that have hindered me before and just decided to go for it. Which is how I ended up dating someone now. Decided not to be worried about being rejected, and trying to be someone I'm not, and turns out she liked that.

So me being more confident and secure with myself has worked great. Funny though, now matter how I change certain things one thing always remains a constant. I still find myself wondering about that one. The one that made me see things different all those years ago. I accept that she'll in some way always be in my heart and on my mind at some point in time. That closure I don't think I'll be able to get 100% but hey, that's perfectly fine with me.

I'm just so happy things are looking a lot better now, It feels good to write a post here that's not all sad and gloomy and depressing and everything that this blog has been over the years. I'm glad I still have it as it lets me just let out things I don't really tell anyone.

wanting my own family has been on my mind over the past few years, I hate rushing to the conclusion anytime I find interest in someone, but I feel like something is missing and I can't help but think it's a family. It could be seeing so many young families where I am that it just makes me want my own, but I've been thinking of this since I wanted one with Lisa, and that hasn't changed.

I feel like I have so much to give and so much love to share. My father wasn't the best, and wasn't around much, I still love him. I know I can do better than that, I want to do better than that, I just hope I'll have a chance to one day, till then I'm just going to enjoy how good things are right now, and go from there.

Why can't I actually finish this and publish what I've wrote, this is the 5th time I've rewrote this after deleting. Am I that afraid of losing what I've only temporarily gotten?

You're fucking right I am, But I also need to speak the truth, I owe her that, and even though I'm afraid of how she'll respond I need to.

over the last year or so, I've come to my own conclusion,how you and I came to be, how it became what it did, has changed how I view relationships in general. You were the first girl to ever love me, and the first girl I ever loved,being with you, but not being with you, made our situation unique.

My love life is pretty...non existent,the last girl I dated was the first serious sort of thing I've had since you honestly,it ended pretty badly, with her basically calling me on being complacent with where I am in life. She wanted more, I didn't really care. She seen that, called me a worthless loser and left.

That wasn't three months ago, that was 3 years ago, I haven't had anything serious since, and I honestly don't even really mind it. The only girl I've ever really loved, or will ever love is you. 

This might sound sad, but at this point, I don't care, my life isn't great it's not shit either. I don't need to find love when I already know where it is.

I still believe in the possibility of a family with you,no matter how hard that may be to see with our current circumstances, but with time anything is possible. Please don't feel bad or anything for how I feel. My mom was with my dad for a long period but I never seen any of it, she was by herself even longer and was fine, so I have no problem being by myself until my opportunity comes.

I love you Lisa, I will always love you, I will always be there for you, I will never abandon or turn on you as long as I live. You are the woman of my dreams, you are the only woman I would want to bring a life into this world with. As Corny as I sound here, I believe you were put in my life for a reason. And I'm not ever going to regret that.  

Thoughts at night

I'm so thankful I have this blog, especially during these times, when I can't sleep, and my mind is racing over things that just happened. Writing over and over again about them. Tonight I am just writing because I can't sleep, and when I lay down my mind wanders, I start to think how I'm getting older, how all my friends are passing me by, while I'm still stuck where I was ten years ago.

I start to think about Lisa, and how overwhelming I got so fast. How I feel like I might have lost her again. And even though it's been a while since last time and I've healed, it still hurts to the point that I have to write here or else I'm just probably going to cry. It takes a lot for me to cry, but when I'm alone, in the dark and my mind is off wandering I think of a lot of things, and what I could lose or have lost. And that breaks my heart to a million pieces.

I have to admit, with no excuses, I am an emotional person, I've always been, I don't like to admit it because I think it makes me look weak,but I have to look at it from another perspective. I can be intense with things I'm passionate for, and I overdo it. Afraid of losing them, or just not showing enough for it.

I get emotional over not having my own family when everyone I know does. As if my life is stuck, and I can't move. I get emotional over the fact I haven't fallen in love again and worry It won't happen another time. Trying my best to fall asleep so I can live in my dreams, where all this doesn't matter, Because I have my family, I have that love I'm missing and I'm happy.

I don't want to be in a dream to be happy, but I don't know what to do. People tell me it'll come to me eventually but I don't see it, I hate that I can be so pessimistic about it. I'm not saying only being with someone or having a family will make me happy, because it starts with me. And it's not because I don't have these things that I'm not happy, it's feeling like I'm missing something that makes me unhappy, and I know what it is.


it's obvious you can't jump into having a family without building something first. I know that, I just feel like every time I take those few steps, I'm knocked off and start all over again. I love me, I love being with me, but I feel like I can be so much more, and I don't know if that time has come,passed or ever will come to be.


I hate that I write here it's usually always something sad, and I tend to roll my eyes at some of my older stuff, but to be honest, this is all stuff I wanted to shout, to yell to tell someone but I don't know who, so I thought I'd just tell you. Writing all this allows me to sleep, and to let off this feeling of sadness, as I tend not to talk about this to anyone, So it all gets dropped here, And the rest of me is just the silly goofy Randy everyone knows,

Not this hurt, wandering little boy who just wants love.Because I can't be this person in the real world, people look to me to make them happy, I've always been the guy to make other people feel better, whether it's making an ass of myself or just being goofy.So this journal,holds all my fears, all my doubts,all of my heart entirely.

I'm trying to think of a positive note to end this on, because I'd like to think of myself as optimistic.(although from reading this you'd never think that) There's always another day and another opportunity but for now, I'll just live my happy full life in my dreams.

Ugh

So, yea go figure, using this again to talk about her again. Sigh, This feels like a repetitive thing I'm destined to repeat because I simply cannot  for the life of me just take things one step at a time. I felt myself slipping more and more with every passing message, allowing the past, the nostalgia of things sweep me away. Before I know it I'm writing what sounds like a proposal to me, I know this is overwhelming, I know it's so much for one damn line.

I couldn't stop though, I felt like I had to reiterate but not falter on my cause, but that was me being prideful.Being fine with anything, knowing that if this goes the way I think it is, I'm going to feel it again. Not as much as before, but I will, she has a way of making me feel extremely good, and extremely bad. It's not her fault, it's just the effect she has on me.

I don't even think she knows it, which is why I think I scared her, I think (I could be totally wrong here) she was expecting everything to be lighter, and I got serious real quick, real fast, Brought us back 5 years ago (shit, has it been that long?) And I don't think she expected that at all. To be honest, neither did I, but first, I didn't even see the message till the next day, At the time, I didn't think much and sent a quick "Hey".

Then my mind started wandering,this isn't any girl messaging you again after a while. This is her, the one you've felt more comfortable with and you've been the farthest from. The one you always think of at some point in the year, of "what could have been" You think about the times you've blown it, the times you lost your shot, the times you yourself felt you didn't leap when you should have. After all that, I couldn't stop myself, everything I felt for this woman from 5 years and on came back.

I think I was afraid,to admit to her how much power she really has over me, maybe afraid that if she knew she'd feel horrible and think anything with us would be unhealthy. I say power, because when I think about it, that's what it is. I've been attracted and dated a handful of girls in the last few years. Nothing really last though, interests aren't the same, can't get past looks. I never got that same feeling I got with her.

Now you see, Before I was with her, I never really tried much to date, I was very shy and very low on myself. When things ended with her, I was in a horrible place, was in there for a long time, but I got out. And when I did, I changed some things. I decided to take more chances and actually go out and meet people. And actually met someone that first week and seen her for 2 months, It kinda ended mutual,weren't really clicking, fooled around for a bit but otherwise, nothing.

This happened for a while, it's cool and everything, but it feels empty. Other than sex I don't really find much else to do. One girl even broke up with me because she found out I was into comics. It's not easy actually dating someone when they think of you as a kid brother because of who you are.A lot of times I'd have to act different to get a lot of nicer looking girls, and when I would turn off the act, they'd lose interest in me.

A lot of times this happened, I thought back to her. To, fuck it, To Lisa,because no matter how dorky I was,she liked me for me and I didn't have to act a certain way to get her to like me.I never felt the same way about a girl the way I did about Lisa. I literally felt like a different person with other women like I had to fake this nonchalant fake ass cool guy and when a little bit of me comes out,it's over.So yes, I jumped the god damn gun, got scared,prideful,dramatic and everything else when she messaged me.

I hope I didn't ruin my chance, I told her I felt that way, but I feel as long as she thinks of me I have a chance. If she's reading this, well god damn you just read a lot, and probably feel even more overwhelmed and scared, and maybe worried? I hope you feel my love too. And I want to take it slow, even just talking about bs, or you whooping my ass online. I don't care I'm just happy to be around you.