Thoughts at night

I'm so thankful I have this blog, especially during these times, when I can't sleep, and my mind is racing over things that just happened. Writing over and over again about them. Tonight I am just writing because I can't sleep, and when I lay down my mind wanders, I start to think how I'm getting older, how all my friends are passing me by, while I'm still stuck where I was ten years ago.

I start to think about Lisa, and how overwhelming I got so fast. How I feel like I might have lost her again. And even though it's been a while since last time and I've healed, it still hurts to the point that I have to write here or else I'm just probably going to cry. It takes a lot for me to cry, but when I'm alone, in the dark and my mind is off wandering I think of a lot of things, and what I could lose or have lost. And that breaks my heart to a million pieces.

I have to admit, with no excuses, I am an emotional person, I've always been, I don't like to admit it because I think it makes me look weak,but I have to look at it from another perspective. I can be intense with things I'm passionate for, and I overdo it. Afraid of losing them, or just not showing enough for it.

I get emotional over not having my own family when everyone I know does. As if my life is stuck, and I can't move. I get emotional over the fact I haven't fallen in love again and worry It won't happen another time. Trying my best to fall asleep so I can live in my dreams, where all this doesn't matter, Because I have my family, I have that love I'm missing and I'm happy.

I don't want to be in a dream to be happy, but I don't know what to do. People tell me it'll come to me eventually but I don't see it, I hate that I can be so pessimistic about it. I'm not saying only being with someone or having a family will make me happy, because it starts with me. And it's not because I don't have these things that I'm not happy, it's feeling like I'm missing something that makes me unhappy, and I know what it is.


it's obvious you can't jump into having a family without building something first. I know that, I just feel like every time I take those few steps, I'm knocked off and start all over again. I love me, I love being with me, but I feel like I can be so much more, and I don't know if that time has come,passed or ever will come to be.


I hate that I write here it's usually always something sad, and I tend to roll my eyes at some of my older stuff, but to be honest, this is all stuff I wanted to shout, to yell to tell someone but I don't know who, so I thought I'd just tell you. Writing all this allows me to sleep, and to let off this feeling of sadness, as I tend not to talk about this to anyone, So it all gets dropped here, And the rest of me is just the silly goofy Randy everyone knows,

Not this hurt, wandering little boy who just wants love.Because I can't be this person in the real world, people look to me to make them happy, I've always been the guy to make other people feel better, whether it's making an ass of myself or just being goofy.So this journal,holds all my fears, all my doubts,all of my heart entirely.

I'm trying to think of a positive note to end this on, because I'd like to think of myself as optimistic.(although from reading this you'd never think that) There's always another day and another opportunity but for now, I'll just live my happy full life in my dreams.