Ugh

So, yea go figure, using this again to talk about her again. Sigh, This feels like a repetitive thing I'm destined to repeat because I simply cannot  for the life of me just take things one step at a time. I felt myself slipping more and more with every passing message, allowing the past, the nostalgia of things sweep me away. Before I know it I'm writing what sounds like a proposal to me, I know this is overwhelming, I know it's so much for one damn line.

I couldn't stop though, I felt like I had to reiterate but not falter on my cause, but that was me being prideful.Being fine with anything, knowing that if this goes the way I think it is, I'm going to feel it again. Not as much as before, but I will, she has a way of making me feel extremely good, and extremely bad. It's not her fault, it's just the effect she has on me.

I don't even think she knows it, which is why I think I scared her, I think (I could be totally wrong here) she was expecting everything to be lighter, and I got serious real quick, real fast, Brought us back 5 years ago (shit, has it been that long?) And I don't think she expected that at all. To be honest, neither did I, but first, I didn't even see the message till the next day, At the time, I didn't think much and sent a quick "Hey".

Then my mind started wandering,this isn't any girl messaging you again after a while. This is her, the one you've felt more comfortable with and you've been the farthest from. The one you always think of at some point in the year, of "what could have been" You think about the times you've blown it, the times you lost your shot, the times you yourself felt you didn't leap when you should have. After all that, I couldn't stop myself, everything I felt for this woman from 5 years and on came back.

I think I was afraid,to admit to her how much power she really has over me, maybe afraid that if she knew she'd feel horrible and think anything with us would be unhealthy. I say power, because when I think about it, that's what it is. I've been attracted and dated a handful of girls in the last few years. Nothing really last though, interests aren't the same, can't get past looks. I never got that same feeling I got with her.

Now you see, Before I was with her, I never really tried much to date, I was very shy and very low on myself. When things ended with her, I was in a horrible place, was in there for a long time, but I got out. And when I did, I changed some things. I decided to take more chances and actually go out and meet people. And actually met someone that first week and seen her for 2 months, It kinda ended mutual,weren't really clicking, fooled around for a bit but otherwise, nothing.

This happened for a while, it's cool and everything, but it feels empty. Other than sex I don't really find much else to do. One girl even broke up with me because she found out I was into comics. It's not easy actually dating someone when they think of you as a kid brother because of who you are.A lot of times I'd have to act different to get a lot of nicer looking girls, and when I would turn off the act, they'd lose interest in me.

A lot of times this happened, I thought back to her. To, fuck it, To Lisa,because no matter how dorky I was,she liked me for me and I didn't have to act a certain way to get her to like me.I never felt the same way about a girl the way I did about Lisa. I literally felt like a different person with other women like I had to fake this nonchalant fake ass cool guy and when a little bit of me comes out,it's over.So yes, I jumped the god damn gun, got scared,prideful,dramatic and everything else when she messaged me.

I hope I didn't ruin my chance, I told her I felt that way, but I feel as long as she thinks of me I have a chance. If she's reading this, well god damn you just read a lot, and probably feel even more overwhelmed and scared, and maybe worried? I hope you feel my love too. And I want to take it slow, even just talking about bs, or you whooping my ass online. I don't care I'm just happy to be around you.