How to go forward when looking back is all you can do.

Been so long since I wrote in here, probably should have a lot sooner, possibly last year, when all this anxiety and whatever the hell is going on with me is. When I don't find a way to escape everything I find myself stuck in what happens when we die, just death itself. It's extremely hard to not think of your mortality when people the closes to you keep dying. And especially now, with the times we're in, it's all I can think about.

So that leads me to thinking about the past, and simpler times when I'd get off of school and see my mom and watch my cartoons and then go outside and play with my friends and things were a lot easier didn't have to worry about people dying, or being in love or people judging you for the color of your skin. Just you and your friends or family taking those little trips to the mall, or the beach. Those things we think we'll do all the time or always have.

They aren't here anymore, and I find myself not knowing how to move past that, it's the only times I can feel happy, those chunks of beautiful moments, times with my mom, times with darian just outside talking about life and shooting the shit about nothing, I seen someone the other day that made me think for a second he was still here, I almost wanted to run up to the person and just hug them, but I know it's not him.

I've been extremely one off for a while now, I've made a lot of changes and got myself out of wallowing for a bit, but it's getting harder now, it's hard to find people to talk to about this and not drag them down into my own depression, I honestly don't know what to do other than at some point come to terms with my death and what can come after.


I wish it wasn't so hard, I wish I could find someone to share this with and feel like I'm progressing and not just hiding. I'm always so fucking scared, and I don't know what to do about it. Writing here for the first time in a while has helped, allowed me to be open with myself and how I really feel. And sadly it's not very good,some days are better than others, locked away with my own thoughts can be scary and a place I don't like to go to.


I guess writing it out is a bit of a release, maybe help me see I have a whole life ahead me before I die,that's what I like to tell myself at least. There will be so much you'll do and experience and be apart of. I still want to have kids and a family some day, probably won't get the one I used to dream about, because like everything else, it's just me looking back and staying there, I really miss it, and wish I could find something like that all those memories I've gotten over my life could come more now, I just want to stop feeling so scared of living.