Growing Up

It took 31 years, but I finally feel like I'm becoming a real adult. Not making the same lazy childish mistakes, taking better care of myself. Which included quitting smoking, something that I thought I'd never do. I feel like it's time for me to be the man my mother would be proud of. The man I should be proud of. 

The more and more I see my friends making their families bigger I find myself wanting my own. There's a lot of things I have to do before that, And hopefully it's not too late. I'd love to watch my children grow and steer them in directions I was too afraid and unwilling to go. I don't want to live through them, but I want them to do what I couldn't do, be what I couldn't. 

Before I do that, I have to find someone again, I have to get past finding a warm body for the night. Sometimes I have to wonder what I'm so afraid of. I have to make big changes, including how I spend most of my days, I can't be this hermit I'm turning into, I can't be afraid of whats out there. And what might come. It's not entirely easy for me to really find anyone though. I think that can be said for anyone though. Love isn't easy and it doesn't drop in your lap, but I'm willing to try and I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone to do so. 

It's time, It's time to grow up. 

More of the same

I forgot I had this, I haven't said anything in a while, things haven't moved too differently since the last time I was replying. I feel like a big change is coming though, it's time for me to stop some habits and start some new ones.

This is so underground so whatever. I thought about you for the first time in about a year, Lisa. I doubt you even think about me or even care to.I mean it's been 3 years so there's no real reason for you to. I really have nothing more to add to it. I'm at peace with everything that happened during and after I wish things could have went better and we were on better terms, but I'm going to always have love for you.

I don't think I'll ever actually stop really loving you, I told this to my best friend, whom I almost ended up dating recently. She told me there's something about your first love that no one else can replace. And that the way I felt is natural and as long as I have love in my heart, the way I feel for you won't change.

I have no clue why I feel the need to express this now, but it feels good to. And I don't regret how I feel or anything that happened, minus all the times I was jerk of course.

Last Resort

Have you ever felt like you might be someone's fallback? If everything else were to fall apart for them, and they can't find anyone else, they know you'll always be there, they keep an eye on you but will never admit it.


Why do I get that feeling now?


It's funny at first when I felt like that, I was angry, like I wasn't good enough from the beginning but I'm fine to end up with after everything else falls apart.After thinking about it, maybe it's in my nature but I can't help but feel like that now means they feel that I'm good enough to be that last gambit at something good maybe even great. I guess I'm overly optimistic on life or, just a huge push over.Whatever the case, if all the pieces came into play I would be more than happy to be that final shot at a happy ending. Doesn't mean I'm going to be waiting though.

Reminiscent

So today I was looking through my friends on facebook, I noticed my ex had a star by "Friends" and everyone else had a check mark next to it. Found out it meant close friends, I don't remember changing it. Anyway I seen something that asked me if I wanted to write how we first met each other. I still remember how it started, it was in march. I remember being "yummy" that made me giggle when I first read it.

I was a little shy with her at first but talked to her on the forum and we began to hit it off. I really loved those first few chats we had. Everything was so new, so flirty and silly I had so much fun. She was a welcome change in my life, I  fell in love with this woman,she made my heart feel like a giant firework. With a single thought of her, the fuse was lit. As it slowly lit up the sky like a bursting star So did I, every time I thought or talked about her.I not only loved her but I was passionate about her.

I really miss that sometimes, I really miss HER sometimes like now for instance. I mean every time I open and write in this blog, it makes me think of her. I try to work up the nerve for a conversation to talk to her but I don't know how anymore. The way we were before, I don't think I can have that. And whats sad is I don't know how to be around her any other way. Am I like, broke? like really broken? Will I really feel this scared? This,afraid to just man the fuck up and say hi, I missed you, and I still love you, and I wish we could be back together.

I tried replacing the feelings I had for her with my friend I was real close with. And we talked about everything,including my ex.I love my friend, but I'm not in love with her, the night I told her I was.We talked all night, This feeling, it felt somewhat familiar but it wasn't the same as before, when we stopped talking I knew that, I ran to tell my ex my new exciting news, thinking THIS would be how I could get over her, letting her know I found someone.

We went our ways and I felt a little better.Then time kicked in and I felt like what I felt wasn't right, but I didn't want to tell kim that. Fortunately she did, and I didn't have to feel like an asshole for projecting feelings I have for my Ex on her. There has to be something I'm missing, I had moments, realizations that I was over her but, was I just lying to myself? I keep trying to tell myself no but, I see her face every now and then when I close my eyes.And that fuse is lit all over again.

I don't know if this is healthy, it's not like I follow her activity or anything like that. I just can't I can't get over her I don't even know if I want to. God, I miss her voice so much from the bottom of my heart. I miss hearing her tell me she loves me. I miss hearing about her life,or her cooking, or her cat or her kicking my ass in a game.I miss her.

If you're reading this, it means I sent that pm to you, I want to talk, but I'm seriously too scared as to what to say to you. If I made you feel uncomfortable or annoyed when I messaged you when I was drunk, I apologize. I just don't know how to talk to you anymore without all these feelings rushing out or instantly wanting to go back to how we used to talk.

I'm kidding myself if I think I'm over you, I think I tell myself this because I want to believe I am but, every time I think of you longer than 10 seconds, I can't think about anything else but wanting to tell you how much I love you.

where to go?

feeling extremely vulnerable, lonely and just used. I felt safe talking to her again, but obviously she had no time for me. I'm not mad or angry or disappointed or anything, she doesn't owe me shit. I dunno I felt safe talking to her like I could say anything and not be judged, maybe it's just falling back into old habits.

I just feel so taken advantage of, people abuse my kindness and run over me and I let them. Maybe I like it? I dunno I wish I could be more cold but it's not in my nature. I'm too kind hearted of a person thanks to all the horrible things I've done when I was younger. Do I still love her? Probably always but I'm not hung up on that, I just felt like talking to someone familiar someone who knows me and understands me. I guess it was just the wrong time for that, and that's not her fault but mine.


I just feel so alone atm, and it sucks, I shouldnt have gotten drunk by myself, now that it's winding down, I just feel sad, and miss what we had, I wish I had that back, I miss feeling loved like that, I miss knowing someone needs or wants me in their lives, not feeling obligated due to blood or loyalty to me. I hate being alone, but thats all I have now.



This blog is nothing more than the collected notes of my tears and sorrow, full of pain and ache and regret. Rage anger and remorse. I miss being happy, and healthy and loved. I miss being someone.

Family is shit

Well, I'm writing today here, so I don't go and do something stupid like destroy my house out of anger,frustration and depression. I have been a nice person my whole life. And especially to my family.
My nephew, who was going through his own hardships, asked to move in with me in april, I was skeptical because I didn't know if he could contribute, he assured me his wife would pitch in.

Me being the nice wonderful Uncle I am, I let him. So it's now may, I've paid what bills I can myself, and bought food. His wife hasn't helped nor has he, I let may go by and June hits, he tells me he's looking for work and that he should have a job soon. I pay what I can again and get food. His wife shows up with their son, AND her brother, they stay over every few days, and eat my food, use my power and no signs of contributing.

So I begin to become frustrated, but I keep calm and stay nice. July comes, I tell him he has to pay or we both we be out of a place to stay, as I am struggling myself and don't have a way to pay. The bills pile up
his wife and kid and her brother show up again. Eating my food til there isn't anymore then buying their own food and offering me none.

he tells me she's going to give him money on the 12 of July. To avoid a late fee I ask my sister to loan me the rent money till the following week. Now my rent is pretty low ($258) and where she lives now (in a rv) she doesn't really have to pay anything. She tells me she gave all her money to her boyfriend. Which I know is a lie, because first, he's got money saved up. And second, for what? they only have to pay for their phones and food.

The 12th comes and I ask my nephew about the money, he gets quiet,no word. I figure he's just waiting on her to come by and bring it. Few days later nothing. "She's going to pay me $400 on the 26th" by then the rent will be extremely late but that will help with any other bill as well. So the weeks go by and the night of
the 26th he comes and tells me his wife has been cheating on him. And thinks he won't be able to get the money from her. I try to keep calm, and tell him I don't care that she's cheated there personal problems shouldn't negate the fact that she's been staying here and eating my food and coming over my house at 2 in the morning to have sex with her husband IN MY HOUSE.

He gets quiet, and says nothing else. Saturday, he leaves for his class and never returns. I wake this morning to see my screen on my front window is off, and the window is open. I'm not sure what has happened, nothing seems stolen, I check my nephew's room, his clothes are all gone. He has bailed on me. I am not angry that he didn't pay rent, I'm disappointed and annoyed but not angry. I am however angry he just left and didn't even have the gull to tell me he was leaving.

So now, I'm without food, because he and his wife and friends and son and whatever ate up almost everything.My bills are piling and I'm in danger of being homeless all be because I wanted to help my family and be nice. I'm trying not to destroy everything in my house and not breakdown and lose my mind but it's hard. My sister won't even pick up her phone or call me back.

I am at my wits end, I can't process any of this without breaking down and losing myself. I can't rely on my family because they just shit all over me.

if anyone wants to help me, you can drop donations on my paypal: Neocidezt@hotmail.com

any help at all will be helpful in helping me.

been a while since I wrote, not much to say I guess. Nothing important to talk about or vent on. Just living one day at a time (such a shitty cliche line) I feel like this year has been a very idle year for me. Hopefully that will change at some point.