Stuck in neutral

If anyone follows this, you might have noticed that a post I made a few weeks ago was removed. It was due to a girl and I feel I should tell this story now because I want to, and I feel like if I write, I won't do other things I shouldn't do.

This girl, This girl was my friend for 4 years,we used to work together, and we and a few others, would always get together on our days off and do something as group. Eventually the group winded down, to basically us. I moved a few cities over, and kept in touch with her very often even going out to meet her and the rest on a few occasions.

I grew feelings for her after a year, I was always there for her, even more than her boyfriends.It wasn't my time though we kept in touch and always text each other. She was there for me when my mother passed, and was around after. I talked to her about my ex girlfriend and she was very helpful in getting over that relationship. She understood it to a degree.

We hadn't talked in a long time my 2013 had been going shitty so far,and I wanted to take a chance what did I have to lose? A friendship evidently. I told her everything, I told her that I was in love with her. And that I was proud to be in her life. She's an inspiration of sorts to me. She does so much and still does more. I thought I wasn't good enough for her, and it turned out fate seemed to think that.

That night I told her everything and we talked all night, and we both expressed how we loved each other. And I woke the next day the happiest I had been since I first got with my ex. A friend called early that morning and I was so happy and proud to have someone as great as her to be interested in me. My friends were very happy for me. They knew how rough its been for the last two years.

It would be short lived, she realized she jumped into something she didn't want or have time for. And my reality check kicked in, she was too good for me, and fate knew it too. She made me want to do more though. She made me want to better. I never really expressed myself like that before. I was in love before, but I never really expressed myself the way I did with her.

Today I told her I couldn't be her friend anymore. Nothing will be the same anymore I'll always wonder what if, and she'll always question if I'm still in love with her. I went too fast too soon, and it seems I wasn't meant to be with her.This last week as been especially hard. I don't know what it is, every time something goes wrong, I end up having a dream of it being perfectly fine. I've been having the same recurring dream.

I'm in a big house appears to be mine, My friend is there but she's sitting next to me, then my mother shows up. I should realize this is dream but I don't and I go about things. My friend looks at me, and grabs my hand and begins to caress it. I lean over to kiss her, I can feel a surge even in my dreams. Just when there's a knock at the door, I wake up. Saddened by the fact it was a dream and I'm back in this world.

Next night I have a similar dream,my friend is there,my mom is there, my sister who I haven't seen in two years is there, with her kids, it feels like a nice family occasion.I can feel happiness I didn't realize how much of a high being happy is. And then I wake up again. This time I woke up angry trying to go back to sleep and back into this dream. I can't

Next night again another dream with my friend my mom and all of my family.It's the 4th of July we're out on the lawn in the backyard, everyone is sitting next to each other. I turn to the left to see my friend Kim, I look right into her big brown eyes. And I kiss her, I kiss her like I will never see her again. I grab her and hold her close, I don't want to let go. I don't want to leave here, maybe if I keep on to her I wont leave. I wake up again.

I can't take it anymore and I breakdown I punch by pillow over and over and begin to cry. My tears drop from my face and splash onto my shaking hands. They continue to splash everywhere. I wonder to myself if this world is the horrible nightmare. Everything that happens in a nightmare happened in this world.
who else can explain their mother being sexually abused as a kid by her father, then raped as grown women.. Only to be given diabetes, and then HIV and then Cancer.That has to be a nightmare, but it's not, it's the life my mother was given. She lived it and fought every day.

I miss her so much, I can see me coming to her after everything that happened not saying a word, and her knowing, and just giving me hug.and a kiss on the cheek,telling me I'm handsome and smart. I wish I didn't feel like a failure to her, and to Kim for not being the guy she wants. My mom of course would tell me I'm not and that she loves me and that I will be someone as long as I try.

No matter how bad I've fucked up in my life, she was always there for me. She was always there for all of us. There is nothing she wouldn't do for us. And I know right now she'd be my rock in getting over this hardship of a year. I wish I didn't feel like I am so stuck. Not going forward not going backward. Just stuck.
I don't know if it was the best decision to not be friends with Kim anymore. But I don't my heart broken again.

At some point, she'd start dating again, and I can't be the guy I was for her before. Getting relationship advice from me.I couldn't pretend to do that. I can't even pretend to be happy. I'm not sad either. I cried, but that was a long time coming. I have no problem admitting I cried, I can't keep everything in all the time.
Love has kicked my ass twice. Two times and two separate broken hearts. My ex told me I could make a girl fall in love with me since she did, But what about Kim? I'm in this fucking "friend zone" and I can't be there anymore. So I guess ending the friendship is the only thing I can do.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for love, but I don't know if the people I fall in love felt the same way. I don't know if I should keep trying. This was the first time I told a girl flat out how I entirely felt about her,and then basically blown off after I was lead on. That night, when we talked all night was the most wonderful feeling, I didn't want to go to bed then either.


Sigh, Love 2, Jr 0

Emotional Dictatorship

Frustration is dictating how I live my life lately, this last week and a half has been horrible. I sometimes wish I didn't lose myself to my emotions. I tend to let them run my life and my decisions. From rushing head first into things, to losing control of myself and just striking out at the nearest object. Tomorrow is tough for me, this is the second mother's day without my mom, and it's still not easy.

I told her how I felt,told her too much too fast. I scared her, and ruined whatever could have happened. Once again my emotions dictating my actions.That night was wonderful, we stayed up all night just talking, and I hadn't felt that good in a long time.The next day things changed, rational came into play and my week went back to the nightmare it was before this wonderful moment occurred.

I didn't want her to feel bad, although she did, it wasn't her fault that I sprung all of this on her and scared her into not wanting to hurt me. I had to take that chance though, I was tired of not speaking my mind and not trying to take a chance. She loves me, but she doesn't have the time right now to be with someone, I didn't want to jump into anything, I just wanted to be more than I was to her.

Now I just feel like, nothing can go right for me when I fall for someone, I tend to fall for the wrong people, or get the same response. I felt like she was too good for me to begin with, and I guess I was right.

I wish Thursday never happened. Too much at once, and now I feel like a fucking ass. I think I'm just going to give up trying to express how I feel to people. It always seems to end horribly. All alone as usual.


Fuck it all.

Unforgettable

I had an interesting dream last night, things feel weird right now. I talked to some people about what has happened last week. Some people think I shouldn't be so forgiving. And or hung up on it. I understand moving on, but some of them just don't understand what it meant to me. It took me a while for me to understand myself.

When I did, that's when I finally felt okay with it ending. And that took me a year after we broke up to come to grips with. I've been doing better as the days go it seems. Some of my drive has returned a little bit. I still feel a little broken, and lost.I don't feel so negative about it anymore. I feel like I will make my way out of it, and have a chance for something more I guess.


Hopefully I can show that through my posts here. I don't want to read this and feel sad every time I do. It's about time I expressed myself more positively and tried more to be so. I know as long as I try I can be happy again. And find what I want and need in life. Sometimes the people you think are supposed to be that, aren't. It doesn't mean you won't find someone who is.


I hope one day I do. And I am happy for her happiness I hope this time she does things right. She deserves another chance to be happy after everything she has gone through.I'll always love her, but I know things won't work with us for numerous reasons. Even knowing all that I'd go back with her in a heartbeat. Funny thing is when I think of her the song Heartbeat by childish gambino is the song that comes to mind.
She will always be one of the most special people in my life though, one I will never forget.

Fearing Solitude in the night

I hate to go to bed at night without being entirely sleepy.My mind begins to wonder, and that's not always good. Since when my mind wanders I contemplate what is going on with me. And I end up depressed, even sometimes on the verge of crying. The more I read my own posts the more I feel like a failure at being a male with all of my emotions getting the best of me.

I'm not afraid to admit these things, I just hate that I go through them. I have a job interview tomorrow so that's great. But I am really dreading going to bed right now; Hugging my pillow to fall asleep is sad.And I'm tired of being so lonely.

I wish I wasn't so afraid to take a chance on other things like I'm not afraid to express myself on here, I dunno, whatever.

What I can't say

In times like this I find myself listening to music that makes me feel something. It's been hard to really feel anything at all lately.but after talking and getting some closure I feel like I can feel a bit now. It's not happy feelings, in fact at first I didn't feel anything

I knew what I would say if I ever got the chance to talk to her again, and I didn't say everything. Maybe because I was afraid of it. I didn't tell her I won't ever stop loving her. I didn't tell her how I remember the first day we actually talked. The moment I fell in love with her. How every time I look at her eyes I feel safe, and how I miss her voice. Or being the first thing she heard in the morning.

I didn't tell her I will never completely be over her, or that I don't think I'll ever find anyone who makes me feel the way she did. Or after talking to her for one day, all of my old feelings have come back. Or that I think it might have been a bad idea to even talk to her again.

I only say that because now I can't stop thinking about her again. And how things ended, and how I don't have her anymore, and it hurts so much. Talking to her hurts, But I missed it for so long I wouldn't want to lose it again. I am afraid what will happen.

Being perfectly honest, I contemplated leaving everything here to be with her.Sacrificing everything I am to just have a shot of making things work. I used to dream about a family with her, I still feel like it may happen some day. No matter how hard I try to tell myself it won't I can't stop myself from thinking so.

I wish things were different, I really wish I could do more to win her back to actually have something more than memories of her and how she made me feel.  I thought I was fine with everything. Then I had a dream about her, woke up and began to cry, now I can't sleep and I feel extremely lonely.

I wish I could just grab and hold her and never let go,I wish she could feel how I feel when I think of her. How just the thought of talking to her again gave me goosebumps. How I am now though, I'm no good to anyone. I've been hiding away from everyone and everything.

Her messaging me made me realize I don't live in my own world, there are people here and know me and think of me. it's hard to feel invisible when someone is looking right at you. It's how I felt for a while, worthless, lifeless, empty. I'm scared. among other things....

Symphony

There is nothing he can do, he sits in the dark, lost to the world outside. He hears a thump over and over; first it's slow, as if it's just going through the motions. No feeling to it, no emotion no reason. Just doing what it has to. Suddenly, he feels a strange warmth, a voice begins to whisper in his ear. He knows these words, he knows these feelings. The thumping becomes more apparent, more vibrant,more alive. The more he hears the more the thumping sound picks up. Almost as if it was hit by a bolt of energy that made it worth something.

Suddenly the voice stops, the thumping changes,it slows, almost as if it were crying itself. Suddenly he can hear a water drop. drop.drop.drop. is all he hears.As he tries to walk and move forward his legs stiffen walking becomes harder, sometimes as if he's not moving at all. The sound of the water drops gets louder, the thumps are so few and in between he doesn't even hear it anymore. All that can be heard is the drops.

He walks further and further with no real destination.He just walks, hoping,praying,dreaming, the voice will come back and lead him out of this place. He walks and hopes, the days become weeks than into months and into years. Through his walking he's heard many voices but not the one that stopped the water drops or changed the thumping.

He stops, everything on him aches, he thinks of the voice again that changed things and his eyes begin to hurt, the water drops come more frequent and rapid. The thumping returns in a rhythmic melody with the water drops as if they were playing a symphony of loneliness.

The symphony of a lonely and lost heart fill his ears, the water drops have covered his face,he's been drowned in this symphony. He basks in the sorrow as if it were a badge of honor. Knowing nothing more than this sorrow he makes it his own. He embraces it and lives it.

Awaiting the day a voice comes along to change the symphony that he lives within. Until then he walks with his back to the light, his body entrenched in the water drops and his mind lost in his symphony of a lonely heart.