What I can't say

In times like this I find myself listening to music that makes me feel something. It's been hard to really feel anything at all lately.but after talking and getting some closure I feel like I can feel a bit now. It's not happy feelings, in fact at first I didn't feel anything

I knew what I would say if I ever got the chance to talk to her again, and I didn't say everything. Maybe because I was afraid of it. I didn't tell her I won't ever stop loving her. I didn't tell her how I remember the first day we actually talked. The moment I fell in love with her. How every time I look at her eyes I feel safe, and how I miss her voice. Or being the first thing she heard in the morning.

I didn't tell her I will never completely be over her, or that I don't think I'll ever find anyone who makes me feel the way she did. Or after talking to her for one day, all of my old feelings have come back. Or that I think it might have been a bad idea to even talk to her again.

I only say that because now I can't stop thinking about her again. And how things ended, and how I don't have her anymore, and it hurts so much. Talking to her hurts, But I missed it for so long I wouldn't want to lose it again. I am afraid what will happen.

Being perfectly honest, I contemplated leaving everything here to be with her.Sacrificing everything I am to just have a shot of making things work. I used to dream about a family with her, I still feel like it may happen some day. No matter how hard I try to tell myself it won't I can't stop myself from thinking so.

I wish things were different, I really wish I could do more to win her back to actually have something more than memories of her and how she made me feel.  I thought I was fine with everything. Then I had a dream about her, woke up and began to cry, now I can't sleep and I feel extremely lonely.

I wish I could just grab and hold her and never let go,I wish she could feel how I feel when I think of her. How just the thought of talking to her again gave me goosebumps. How I am now though, I'm no good to anyone. I've been hiding away from everyone and everything.

Her messaging me made me realize I don't live in my own world, there are people here and know me and think of me. it's hard to feel invisible when someone is looking right at you. It's how I felt for a while, worthless, lifeless, empty. I'm scared. among other things....