I think I'm broken.

Stirring old feelings up

So while on an irc channel I tend to visit, a friend brought up a old discussion on a forum about her. All my emotions came rushing forward with the sheer mention of her. At this very moment I can't stop myself from shaking. I feel like I don't think I will ever get over her. Fucking shit. How many times am I going to keep saying that? It seems almost pathetic in a sense but, they do say you never truly get over the first person you fall in love with.

My life has been picking up and I'm doing better. I just got an A in my last course.And my GPA is now a 3.0
My sister and friends are proud and impressed with what I'm doing. But my mind still wanders. Asking myself, "What would she think about this? how is she doing?" Why do I need to even think about it? I don't know honestly. My love life is weird right now, just random dating and I've worked up the courage to ask out women now,but she still stays in my heart and on my mind.

I know part of it is because I never got closure, which was my own fault. I became a complete asshole and creep. I lost myself in rage and heartache. I've written countless poems over how I felt over it all And about her. They just sit here in my folder, all of them. Full of my anger, full of my tears, full of my love. Full of my regret. I don't know what to do other than to just ignore it all. I fight back a few tears now over how I feel. It's weird, It's been so long now but, it still feels like it was only last month everything happened.

I'll do what I've done in the past, use this blog, my poetry, my friends and my writing to get past this hole in my heart. I know I can sooth it, but I don't think I can ever fill it.

Living to write.

This week has been interesting. Writing stories and screenplays for school have actually helped me dive into my own personal stuff a bit better. As I've been taking events and situations in my own life and writing about them. Doing this has actually helped me see things through other people's eyes that I never noticed. It's help me see myself in another light and makes me want to change myself more so than I ever thought I needed to.

A friend at work had asked me why I wanted to write, why I wanted to have this as my career. It's simple. I love to live in my head. I love to live out my fantasies and fears and triumphs through storytelling. I know I mention her a lot and haven't recently,but I really should thank my ex girlfriend for giving me the idea of this blog. It's shown me what I really want to do with life and has really changed me for the better.

Writing is something that lets me share what I can't share out-loud either because I'm afraid or because I don't know how to express myself fully. I owe her a lot for this, and am so happy I found something that I love to do.

also my date went okay Saturday, I don't know if I'll go out with her again though but it was nice to have a date on a Saturday night in like forever.

Single life.

Being single has been good lately, like really living the single life. Dating and all that has been hard for me in general but I've gotten better at it. I feel good that I finally take the chance to actually ask someone out rather than being approached. Confidence does go a long way.

going out Saturday! should be good! yay me

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is the first birthday of my mother's since she passed. I hadn't thought too much about her in recent weeks although she's always in my heart. I started to think about her the other day on the way home; I ended up teary eyed again, I don't know when I'll ever get over her lost entirely.

My faith isn't really around anymore so I don't really see her like my sister does as her "looking down" on us. I keep her in my heart and that's good enough for me.

all those who still have their mothers please don't take advantage of them. Love them and treat them good. You only get one mother.Treasure her.

Today from the advice from a friend, I made an attempt at asking someone out, found out they were with someone so that was a failure, but I at least attempted to ask her. Although now I feel a bit stupid for putting so much effort forward and falling on my face. I took it with stride and moved on, I don't know if its my age that's making me worry about being alone, or I'm just worried in general that I'm never going to find someone because of me.

I don't think I can change who I am, and I don't open up to people very easily, which has hindered me in the past. Why the fuck is almost every post about my love life? which is funny because I don't have one, or much of a life either atm besides school and work.

God I feel pathetic right now. *slaps self* good night.

why fight what you can't control

I was wrong when I said I can be fine by myself. Its not always easy, I sorta feel like an idiot for two reasons; 

one, I realized when I mentioned happy birthday to someone, it was 5 days early, July 21st sticks in my head because that was the day I decided that even though we were going through a rough part then, I still loved her and wanted to show it in a sonnet. Second, and this one makes me question myself and my state of mind. I found a few conversations I had with my ex from last year. reading them back we had a lot of fun talking to one another and goofing around I miss the start of our relationship.

I started to really think and reflect and just ask myself; "Are you sure you are over her? I questioned my caring about her.Is it just simply caring about someone you once loved? or is it that you're still IN love? the answer is I am. Fuck I seriously still am. I never have gotten over her. I don't think I ever will. god I hope she doesn't read this. last thing she needs is some ex from last year stuck on her forever.

I can't get over it, even when I try my best. I can look past being in love with her, but I can't say I'm over her. I'm not, and what does that say about me? I feel like a total loser to be honest, not because its her, but because its been a fucking year now, I've had another girlfriend since then, but I'm still in love with her.

This is how bad this is, today at work while on my break I was messing with my phone, I happen to run across her number in my phone and I know that number is a land line but I sent a text to it. All my emotions came rushing through when I seen her name. all the memories the late nights we spend just talking. waking her up in the morning before I went to work. All of it, I loved all of that I never have been more happy then when I was with her. 

The text I had sent to her was " I want to marry you, I want to be with you until my last breath. I want to have children with you so that there is another part of you that I can love.I have no heart when I don't have you. I will never want anyone like I want you."  I even contemplated flying out there to see her. But that would be bad for a bunch of reasons, the main reason being it put me in the "stalker" category. That's not what I am or want to be.

God I hope she doesn't read this post. Although a part of me deep down, that thinks this post will make her fall back in love with me wants her to. I don't know how to deal with this entirely. I don't know how to talk to someone about this without them looking down on me. I know what this make me; a sad sack who can't get over something that happen over a year ago. I'm sorry but I feel, no I KNOW I will never find anyone like her again, and that's what really scares me.

I love you with all my being lisa, and I don't think there will be a time when I won't not love you. If that makes me a loser, or whatever so be it. It's the price I'm willing to pay for my feelings, I can't control how my heart works. I can only listen to it.