Wishful thinking

I kind of knew it was fake, but I guess the thought of someone reaching out for me clouded my judgement, I should have ignored it and just moved on. Instead I let my loneliness get the better of me and I paid the price for it. I knew deep down it was all fake, but I didn't want to admit to myself how lonely I really am. This whole thing opened that wound and now I find myself writing in here to let out the feelings I have now.

I even tried to reach out to the only person I ever fell in love with I don't know what I was expecting or going to get because it's obvious that ship has sailed with her and it's never coming back. I knew that, yet I still tried only to fall on deaf ears again. I know why I did, the small tiny chance that maybe she'd listen or be there.

So I sit here, writing this fighting back the tears in my eyes from the feeling of failure once again. Wondering why I even bother, I honestly don't know anymore, I know a pity party doesn't help either,.I just don't really know what to do anymore, and I feel like I might be on my own forever. I thought I was fine with it, but it's pretty clear I'm not.

It'd be nice to just talk to her again, only to know someone cared because they wanted to, not because we're blood and have to. I hate being in this state of mind, I hate feeling so down on myself and feeling like nothing good will ever come but I only have myself to blame for me being stuck.

I have never missed being loved by someone so much before in my life, it's been 3 years since I felt like I did the last few days, I knew it was fake, but I still enjoyed the feeling, and pretending, I never thought I'd miss it so much, but now I find myself missing the real love I had once upon a time,I find myself missing her all over again.

Growing Up

It took 31 years, but I finally feel like I'm becoming a real adult. Not making the same lazy childish mistakes, taking better care of myself. Which included quitting smoking, something that I thought I'd never do. I feel like it's time for me to be the man my mother would be proud of. The man I should be proud of. 

The more and more I see my friends making their families bigger I find myself wanting my own. There's a lot of things I have to do before that, And hopefully it's not too late. I'd love to watch my children grow and steer them in directions I was too afraid and unwilling to go. I don't want to live through them, but I want them to do what I couldn't do, be what I couldn't. 

Before I do that, I have to find someone again, I have to get past finding a warm body for the night. Sometimes I have to wonder what I'm so afraid of. I have to make big changes, including how I spend most of my days, I can't be this hermit I'm turning into, I can't be afraid of whats out there. And what might come. It's not entirely easy for me to really find anyone though. I think that can be said for anyone though. Love isn't easy and it doesn't drop in your lap, but I'm willing to try and I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone to do so. 

It's time, It's time to grow up. 

More of the same

I forgot I had this, I haven't said anything in a while, things haven't moved too differently since the last time I was replying. I feel like a big change is coming though, it's time for me to stop some habits and start some new ones.

This is so underground so whatever. I thought about you for the first time in about a year, Lisa. I doubt you even think about me or even care to.I mean it's been 3 years so there's no real reason for you to. I really have nothing more to add to it. I'm at peace with everything that happened during and after I wish things could have went better and we were on better terms, but I'm going to always have love for you.

I don't think I'll ever actually stop really loving you, I told this to my best friend, whom I almost ended up dating recently. She told me there's something about your first love that no one else can replace. And that the way I felt is natural and as long as I have love in my heart, the way I feel for you won't change.

I have no clue why I feel the need to express this now, but it feels good to. And I don't regret how I feel or anything that happened, minus all the times I was jerk of course.

Last Resort

Have you ever felt like you might be someone's fallback? If everything else were to fall apart for them, and they can't find anyone else, they know you'll always be there, they keep an eye on you but will never admit it.


Why do I get that feeling now?


It's funny at first when I felt like that, I was angry, like I wasn't good enough from the beginning but I'm fine to end up with after everything else falls apart.After thinking about it, maybe it's in my nature but I can't help but feel like that now means they feel that I'm good enough to be that last gambit at something good maybe even great. I guess I'm overly optimistic on life or, just a huge push over.Whatever the case, if all the pieces came into play I would be more than happy to be that final shot at a happy ending. Doesn't mean I'm going to be waiting though.