So today I was looking through my friends on facebook, I noticed my ex had a star by "Friends" and everyone else had a check mark next to it. Found out it meant close friends, I don't remember changing it. Anyway I seen something that asked me if I wanted to write how we first met each other. I still remember how it started, it was in march. I remember being "yummy" that made me giggle when I first read it.
I was a little shy with her at first but talked to her on the forum and we began to hit it off. I really loved those first few chats we had. Everything was so new, so flirty and silly I had so much fun. She was a welcome change in my life, I fell in love with this woman,she made my heart feel like a giant firework. With a single thought of her, the fuse was lit. As it slowly lit up the sky like a bursting star So did I, every time I thought or talked about her.I not only loved her but I was passionate about her.
I really miss that sometimes, I really miss HER sometimes like now for instance. I mean every time I open and write in this blog, it makes me think of her. I try to work up the nerve for a conversation to talk to her but I don't know how anymore. The way we were before, I don't think I can have that. And whats sad is I don't know how to be around her any other way. Am I like, broke? like really broken? Will I really feel this scared? This,afraid to just man the fuck up and say hi, I missed you, and I still love you, and I wish we could be back together.
I tried replacing the feelings I had for her with my friend I was real close with. And we talked about everything,including my ex.I love my friend, but I'm not in love with her, the night I told her I was.We talked all night, This feeling, it felt somewhat familiar but it wasn't the same as before, when we stopped talking I knew that, I ran to tell my ex my new exciting news, thinking THIS would be how I could get over her, letting her know I found someone.
We went our ways and I felt a little better.Then time kicked in and I felt like what I felt wasn't right, but I didn't want to tell kim that. Fortunately she did, and I didn't have to feel like an asshole for projecting feelings I have for my Ex on her. There has to be something I'm missing, I had moments, realizations that I was over her but, was I just lying to myself? I keep trying to tell myself no but, I see her face every now and then when I close my eyes.And that fuse is lit all over again.
I don't know if this is healthy, it's not like I follow her activity or anything like that. I just can't I can't get over her I don't even know if I want to. God, I miss her voice so much from the bottom of my heart. I miss hearing her tell me she loves me. I miss hearing about her life,or her cooking, or her cat or her kicking my ass in a game.I miss her.
If you're reading this, it means I sent that pm to you, I want to talk, but I'm seriously too scared as to what to say to you. If I made you feel uncomfortable or annoyed when I messaged you when I was drunk, I apologize. I just don't know how to talk to you anymore without all these feelings rushing out or instantly wanting to go back to how we used to talk.
I'm kidding myself if I think I'm over you, I think I tell myself this because I want to believe I am but, every time I think of you longer than 10 seconds, I can't think about anything else but wanting to tell you how much I love you.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
where to go?
feeling extremely vulnerable, lonely and just used. I felt safe talking to her again, but obviously she had no time for me. I'm not mad or angry or disappointed or anything, she doesn't owe me shit. I dunno I felt safe talking to her like I could say anything and not be judged, maybe it's just falling back into old habits.
I just feel so taken advantage of, people abuse my kindness and run over me and I let them. Maybe I like it? I dunno I wish I could be more cold but it's not in my nature. I'm too kind hearted of a person thanks to all the horrible things I've done when I was younger. Do I still love her? Probably always but I'm not hung up on that, I just felt like talking to someone familiar someone who knows me and understands me. I guess it was just the wrong time for that, and that's not her fault but mine.
I just feel so alone atm, and it sucks, I shouldnt have gotten drunk by myself, now that it's winding down, I just feel sad, and miss what we had, I wish I had that back, I miss feeling loved like that, I miss knowing someone needs or wants me in their lives, not feeling obligated due to blood or loyalty to me. I hate being alone, but thats all I have now.
This blog is nothing more than the collected notes of my tears and sorrow, full of pain and ache and regret. Rage anger and remorse. I miss being happy, and healthy and loved. I miss being someone.
I just feel so taken advantage of, people abuse my kindness and run over me and I let them. Maybe I like it? I dunno I wish I could be more cold but it's not in my nature. I'm too kind hearted of a person thanks to all the horrible things I've done when I was younger. Do I still love her? Probably always but I'm not hung up on that, I just felt like talking to someone familiar someone who knows me and understands me. I guess it was just the wrong time for that, and that's not her fault but mine.
I just feel so alone atm, and it sucks, I shouldnt have gotten drunk by myself, now that it's winding down, I just feel sad, and miss what we had, I wish I had that back, I miss feeling loved like that, I miss knowing someone needs or wants me in their lives, not feeling obligated due to blood or loyalty to me. I hate being alone, but thats all I have now.
This blog is nothing more than the collected notes of my tears and sorrow, full of pain and ache and regret. Rage anger and remorse. I miss being happy, and healthy and loved. I miss being someone.
Family is shit
Well, I'm writing today here, so I don't go and do something stupid like destroy my house out of anger,frustration and depression. I have been a nice person my whole life. And especially to my family.
My nephew, who was going through his own hardships, asked to move in with me in april, I was skeptical because I didn't know if he could contribute, he assured me his wife would pitch in.
Me being the nice wonderful Uncle I am, I let him. So it's now may, I've paid what bills I can myself, and bought food. His wife hasn't helped nor has he, I let may go by and June hits, he tells me he's looking for work and that he should have a job soon. I pay what I can again and get food. His wife shows up with their son, AND her brother, they stay over every few days, and eat my food, use my power and no signs of contributing.
So I begin to become frustrated, but I keep calm and stay nice. July comes, I tell him he has to pay or we both we be out of a place to stay, as I am struggling myself and don't have a way to pay. The bills pile up
his wife and kid and her brother show up again. Eating my food til there isn't anymore then buying their own food and offering me none.
he tells me she's going to give him money on the 12 of July. To avoid a late fee I ask my sister to loan me the rent money till the following week. Now my rent is pretty low ($258) and where she lives now (in a rv) she doesn't really have to pay anything. She tells me she gave all her money to her boyfriend. Which I know is a lie, because first, he's got money saved up. And second, for what? they only have to pay for their phones and food.
The 12th comes and I ask my nephew about the money, he gets quiet,no word. I figure he's just waiting on her to come by and bring it. Few days later nothing. "She's going to pay me $400 on the 26th" by then the rent will be extremely late but that will help with any other bill as well. So the weeks go by and the night of
the 26th he comes and tells me his wife has been cheating on him. And thinks he won't be able to get the money from her. I try to keep calm, and tell him I don't care that she's cheated there personal problems shouldn't negate the fact that she's been staying here and eating my food and coming over my house at 2 in the morning to have sex with her husband IN MY HOUSE.
He gets quiet, and says nothing else. Saturday, he leaves for his class and never returns. I wake this morning to see my screen on my front window is off, and the window is open. I'm not sure what has happened, nothing seems stolen, I check my nephew's room, his clothes are all gone. He has bailed on me. I am not angry that he didn't pay rent, I'm disappointed and annoyed but not angry. I am however angry he just left and didn't even have the gull to tell me he was leaving.
So now, I'm without food, because he and his wife and friends and son and whatever ate up almost everything.My bills are piling and I'm in danger of being homeless all be because I wanted to help my family and be nice. I'm trying not to destroy everything in my house and not breakdown and lose my mind but it's hard. My sister won't even pick up her phone or call me back.
I am at my wits end, I can't process any of this without breaking down and losing myself. I can't rely on my family because they just shit all over me.
if anyone wants to help me, you can drop donations on my paypal: Neocidezt@hotmail.com
any help at all will be helpful in helping me.
My nephew, who was going through his own hardships, asked to move in with me in april, I was skeptical because I didn't know if he could contribute, he assured me his wife would pitch in.
Me being the nice wonderful Uncle I am, I let him. So it's now may, I've paid what bills I can myself, and bought food. His wife hasn't helped nor has he, I let may go by and June hits, he tells me he's looking for work and that he should have a job soon. I pay what I can again and get food. His wife shows up with their son, AND her brother, they stay over every few days, and eat my food, use my power and no signs of contributing.
So I begin to become frustrated, but I keep calm and stay nice. July comes, I tell him he has to pay or we both we be out of a place to stay, as I am struggling myself and don't have a way to pay. The bills pile up
his wife and kid and her brother show up again. Eating my food til there isn't anymore then buying their own food and offering me none.
he tells me she's going to give him money on the 12 of July. To avoid a late fee I ask my sister to loan me the rent money till the following week. Now my rent is pretty low ($258) and where she lives now (in a rv) she doesn't really have to pay anything. She tells me she gave all her money to her boyfriend. Which I know is a lie, because first, he's got money saved up. And second, for what? they only have to pay for their phones and food.
The 12th comes and I ask my nephew about the money, he gets quiet,no word. I figure he's just waiting on her to come by and bring it. Few days later nothing. "She's going to pay me $400 on the 26th" by then the rent will be extremely late but that will help with any other bill as well. So the weeks go by and the night of
the 26th he comes and tells me his wife has been cheating on him. And thinks he won't be able to get the money from her. I try to keep calm, and tell him I don't care that she's cheated there personal problems shouldn't negate the fact that she's been staying here and eating my food and coming over my house at 2 in the morning to have sex with her husband IN MY HOUSE.
He gets quiet, and says nothing else. Saturday, he leaves for his class and never returns. I wake this morning to see my screen on my front window is off, and the window is open. I'm not sure what has happened, nothing seems stolen, I check my nephew's room, his clothes are all gone. He has bailed on me. I am not angry that he didn't pay rent, I'm disappointed and annoyed but not angry. I am however angry he just left and didn't even have the gull to tell me he was leaving.
So now, I'm without food, because he and his wife and friends and son and whatever ate up almost everything.My bills are piling and I'm in danger of being homeless all be because I wanted to help my family and be nice. I'm trying not to destroy everything in my house and not breakdown and lose my mind but it's hard. My sister won't even pick up her phone or call me back.
I am at my wits end, I can't process any of this without breaking down and losing myself. I can't rely on my family because they just shit all over me.
if anyone wants to help me, you can drop donations on my paypal: Neocidezt@hotmail.com
any help at all will be helpful in helping me.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Stuck in neutral
If anyone follows this, you might have noticed that a post I made a few weeks ago was removed. It was due to a girl and I feel I should tell this story now because I want to, and I feel like if I write, I won't do other things I shouldn't do.
This girl, This girl was my friend for 4 years,we used to work together, and we and a few others, would always get together on our days off and do something as group. Eventually the group winded down, to basically us. I moved a few cities over, and kept in touch with her very often even going out to meet her and the rest on a few occasions.
I grew feelings for her after a year, I was always there for her, even more than her boyfriends.It wasn't my time though we kept in touch and always text each other. She was there for me when my mother passed, and was around after. I talked to her about my ex girlfriend and she was very helpful in getting over that relationship. She understood it to a degree.
We hadn't talked in a long time my 2013 had been going shitty so far,and I wanted to take a chance what did I have to lose? A friendship evidently. I told her everything, I told her that I was in love with her. And that I was proud to be in her life. She's an inspiration of sorts to me. She does so much and still does more. I thought I wasn't good enough for her, and it turned out fate seemed to think that.
That night I told her everything and we talked all night, and we both expressed how we loved each other. And I woke the next day the happiest I had been since I first got with my ex. A friend called early that morning and I was so happy and proud to have someone as great as her to be interested in me. My friends were very happy for me. They knew how rough its been for the last two years.
It would be short lived, she realized she jumped into something she didn't want or have time for. And my reality check kicked in, she was too good for me, and fate knew it too. She made me want to do more though. She made me want to better. I never really expressed myself like that before. I was in love before, but I never really expressed myself the way I did with her.
Today I told her I couldn't be her friend anymore. Nothing will be the same anymore I'll always wonder what if, and she'll always question if I'm still in love with her. I went too fast too soon, and it seems I wasn't meant to be with her.This last week as been especially hard. I don't know what it is, every time something goes wrong, I end up having a dream of it being perfectly fine. I've been having the same recurring dream.
I'm in a big house appears to be mine, My friend is there but she's sitting next to me, then my mother shows up. I should realize this is dream but I don't and I go about things. My friend looks at me, and grabs my hand and begins to caress it. I lean over to kiss her, I can feel a surge even in my dreams. Just when there's a knock at the door, I wake up. Saddened by the fact it was a dream and I'm back in this world.
Next night I have a similar dream,my friend is there,my mom is there, my sister who I haven't seen in two years is there, with her kids, it feels like a nice family occasion.I can feel happiness I didn't realize how much of a high being happy is. And then I wake up again. This time I woke up angry trying to go back to sleep and back into this dream. I can't
Next night again another dream with my friend my mom and all of my family.It's the 4th of July we're out on the lawn in the backyard, everyone is sitting next to each other. I turn to the left to see my friend Kim, I look right into her big brown eyes. And I kiss her, I kiss her like I will never see her again. I grab her and hold her close, I don't want to let go. I don't want to leave here, maybe if I keep on to her I wont leave. I wake up again.
I can't take it anymore and I breakdown I punch by pillow over and over and begin to cry. My tears drop from my face and splash onto my shaking hands. They continue to splash everywhere. I wonder to myself if this world is the horrible nightmare. Everything that happens in a nightmare happened in this world.
who else can explain their mother being sexually abused as a kid by her father, then raped as grown women.. Only to be given diabetes, and then HIV and then Cancer.That has to be a nightmare, but it's not, it's the life my mother was given. She lived it and fought every day.
I miss her so much, I can see me coming to her after everything that happened not saying a word, and her knowing, and just giving me hug.and a kiss on the cheek,telling me I'm handsome and smart. I wish I didn't feel like a failure to her, and to Kim for not being the guy she wants. My mom of course would tell me I'm not and that she loves me and that I will be someone as long as I try.
No matter how bad I've fucked up in my life, she was always there for me. She was always there for all of us. There is nothing she wouldn't do for us. And I know right now she'd be my rock in getting over this hardship of a year. I wish I didn't feel like I am so stuck. Not going forward not going backward. Just stuck.
I don't know if it was the best decision to not be friends with Kim anymore. But I don't my heart broken again.
At some point, she'd start dating again, and I can't be the guy I was for her before. Getting relationship advice from me.I couldn't pretend to do that. I can't even pretend to be happy. I'm not sad either. I cried, but that was a long time coming. I have no problem admitting I cried, I can't keep everything in all the time.
Love has kicked my ass twice. Two times and two separate broken hearts. My ex told me I could make a girl fall in love with me since she did, But what about Kim? I'm in this fucking "friend zone" and I can't be there anymore. So I guess ending the friendship is the only thing I can do.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for love, but I don't know if the people I fall in love felt the same way. I don't know if I should keep trying. This was the first time I told a girl flat out how I entirely felt about her,and then basically blown off after I was lead on. That night, when we talked all night was the most wonderful feeling, I didn't want to go to bed then either.
Sigh, Love 2, Jr 0
This girl, This girl was my friend for 4 years,we used to work together, and we and a few others, would always get together on our days off and do something as group. Eventually the group winded down, to basically us. I moved a few cities over, and kept in touch with her very often even going out to meet her and the rest on a few occasions.
I grew feelings for her after a year, I was always there for her, even more than her boyfriends.It wasn't my time though we kept in touch and always text each other. She was there for me when my mother passed, and was around after. I talked to her about my ex girlfriend and she was very helpful in getting over that relationship. She understood it to a degree.
We hadn't talked in a long time my 2013 had been going shitty so far,and I wanted to take a chance what did I have to lose? A friendship evidently. I told her everything, I told her that I was in love with her. And that I was proud to be in her life. She's an inspiration of sorts to me. She does so much and still does more. I thought I wasn't good enough for her, and it turned out fate seemed to think that.
That night I told her everything and we talked all night, and we both expressed how we loved each other. And I woke the next day the happiest I had been since I first got with my ex. A friend called early that morning and I was so happy and proud to have someone as great as her to be interested in me. My friends were very happy for me. They knew how rough its been for the last two years.
It would be short lived, she realized she jumped into something she didn't want or have time for. And my reality check kicked in, she was too good for me, and fate knew it too. She made me want to do more though. She made me want to better. I never really expressed myself like that before. I was in love before, but I never really expressed myself the way I did with her.
Today I told her I couldn't be her friend anymore. Nothing will be the same anymore I'll always wonder what if, and she'll always question if I'm still in love with her. I went too fast too soon, and it seems I wasn't meant to be with her.This last week as been especially hard. I don't know what it is, every time something goes wrong, I end up having a dream of it being perfectly fine. I've been having the same recurring dream.
I'm in a big house appears to be mine, My friend is there but she's sitting next to me, then my mother shows up. I should realize this is dream but I don't and I go about things. My friend looks at me, and grabs my hand and begins to caress it. I lean over to kiss her, I can feel a surge even in my dreams. Just when there's a knock at the door, I wake up. Saddened by the fact it was a dream and I'm back in this world.
Next night I have a similar dream,my friend is there,my mom is there, my sister who I haven't seen in two years is there, with her kids, it feels like a nice family occasion.I can feel happiness I didn't realize how much of a high being happy is. And then I wake up again. This time I woke up angry trying to go back to sleep and back into this dream. I can't
Next night again another dream with my friend my mom and all of my family.It's the 4th of July we're out on the lawn in the backyard, everyone is sitting next to each other. I turn to the left to see my friend Kim, I look right into her big brown eyes. And I kiss her, I kiss her like I will never see her again. I grab her and hold her close, I don't want to let go. I don't want to leave here, maybe if I keep on to her I wont leave. I wake up again.
I can't take it anymore and I breakdown I punch by pillow over and over and begin to cry. My tears drop from my face and splash onto my shaking hands. They continue to splash everywhere. I wonder to myself if this world is the horrible nightmare. Everything that happens in a nightmare happened in this world.
who else can explain their mother being sexually abused as a kid by her father, then raped as grown women.. Only to be given diabetes, and then HIV and then Cancer.That has to be a nightmare, but it's not, it's the life my mother was given. She lived it and fought every day.
I miss her so much, I can see me coming to her after everything that happened not saying a word, and her knowing, and just giving me hug.and a kiss on the cheek,telling me I'm handsome and smart. I wish I didn't feel like a failure to her, and to Kim for not being the guy she wants. My mom of course would tell me I'm not and that she loves me and that I will be someone as long as I try.
No matter how bad I've fucked up in my life, she was always there for me. She was always there for all of us. There is nothing she wouldn't do for us. And I know right now she'd be my rock in getting over this hardship of a year. I wish I didn't feel like I am so stuck. Not going forward not going backward. Just stuck.
I don't know if it was the best decision to not be friends with Kim anymore. But I don't my heart broken again.
At some point, she'd start dating again, and I can't be the guy I was for her before. Getting relationship advice from me.I couldn't pretend to do that. I can't even pretend to be happy. I'm not sad either. I cried, but that was a long time coming. I have no problem admitting I cried, I can't keep everything in all the time.
Love has kicked my ass twice. Two times and two separate broken hearts. My ex told me I could make a girl fall in love with me since she did, But what about Kim? I'm in this fucking "friend zone" and I can't be there anymore. So I guess ending the friendship is the only thing I can do.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for love, but I don't know if the people I fall in love felt the same way. I don't know if I should keep trying. This was the first time I told a girl flat out how I entirely felt about her,and then basically blown off after I was lead on. That night, when we talked all night was the most wonderful feeling, I didn't want to go to bed then either.
Sigh, Love 2, Jr 0
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Emotional Dictatorship
Frustration is dictating how I live my life lately, this last week and a half has been horrible. I sometimes wish I didn't lose myself to my emotions. I tend to let them run my life and my decisions. From rushing head first into things, to losing control of myself and just striking out at the nearest object. Tomorrow is tough for me, this is the second mother's day without my mom, and it's still not easy.
I told her how I felt,told her too much too fast. I scared her, and ruined whatever could have happened. Once again my emotions dictating my actions.That night was wonderful, we stayed up all night just talking, and I hadn't felt that good in a long time.The next day things changed, rational came into play and my week went back to the nightmare it was before this wonderful moment occurred.
I didn't want her to feel bad, although she did, it wasn't her fault that I sprung all of this on her and scared her into not wanting to hurt me. I had to take that chance though, I was tired of not speaking my mind and not trying to take a chance. She loves me, but she doesn't have the time right now to be with someone, I didn't want to jump into anything, I just wanted to be more than I was to her.
Now I just feel like, nothing can go right for me when I fall for someone, I tend to fall for the wrong people, or get the same response. I felt like she was too good for me to begin with, and I guess I was right.
I told her how I felt,told her too much too fast. I scared her, and ruined whatever could have happened. Once again my emotions dictating my actions.That night was wonderful, we stayed up all night just talking, and I hadn't felt that good in a long time.The next day things changed, rational came into play and my week went back to the nightmare it was before this wonderful moment occurred.
I didn't want her to feel bad, although she did, it wasn't her fault that I sprung all of this on her and scared her into not wanting to hurt me. I had to take that chance though, I was tired of not speaking my mind and not trying to take a chance. She loves me, but she doesn't have the time right now to be with someone, I didn't want to jump into anything, I just wanted to be more than I was to her.
Now I just feel like, nothing can go right for me when I fall for someone, I tend to fall for the wrong people, or get the same response. I felt like she was too good for me to begin with, and I guess I was right.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Unforgettable
I had an interesting dream last night, things feel weird right now. I talked to some people about what has happened last week. Some people think I shouldn't be so forgiving. And or hung up on it. I understand moving on, but some of them just don't understand what it meant to me. It took me a while for me to understand myself.
When I did, that's when I finally felt okay with it ending. And that took me a year after we broke up to come to grips with. I've been doing better as the days go it seems. Some of my drive has returned a little bit. I still feel a little broken, and lost.I don't feel so negative about it anymore. I feel like I will make my way out of it, and have a chance for something more I guess.
Hopefully I can show that through my posts here. I don't want to read this and feel sad every time I do. It's about time I expressed myself more positively and tried more to be so. I know as long as I try I can be happy again. And find what I want and need in life. Sometimes the people you think are supposed to be that, aren't. It doesn't mean you won't find someone who is.
I hope one day I do. And I am happy for her happiness I hope this time she does things right. She deserves another chance to be happy after everything she has gone through.I'll always love her, but I know things won't work with us for numerous reasons. Even knowing all that I'd go back with her in a heartbeat. Funny thing is when I think of her the song Heartbeat by childish gambino is the song that comes to mind.
She will always be one of the most special people in my life though, one I will never forget.
When I did, that's when I finally felt okay with it ending. And that took me a year after we broke up to come to grips with. I've been doing better as the days go it seems. Some of my drive has returned a little bit. I still feel a little broken, and lost.I don't feel so negative about it anymore. I feel like I will make my way out of it, and have a chance for something more I guess.
Hopefully I can show that through my posts here. I don't want to read this and feel sad every time I do. It's about time I expressed myself more positively and tried more to be so. I know as long as I try I can be happy again. And find what I want and need in life. Sometimes the people you think are supposed to be that, aren't. It doesn't mean you won't find someone who is.
I hope one day I do. And I am happy for her happiness I hope this time she does things right. She deserves another chance to be happy after everything she has gone through.I'll always love her, but I know things won't work with us for numerous reasons. Even knowing all that I'd go back with her in a heartbeat. Funny thing is when I think of her the song Heartbeat by childish gambino is the song that comes to mind.
She will always be one of the most special people in my life though, one I will never forget.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Fearing Solitude in the night
I hate to go to bed at night without being entirely sleepy.My mind begins to wonder, and that's not always good. Since when my mind wanders I contemplate what is going on with me. And I end up depressed, even sometimes on the verge of crying. The more I read my own posts the more I feel like a failure at being a male with all of my emotions getting the best of me.
I'm not afraid to admit these things, I just hate that I go through them. I have a job interview tomorrow so that's great. But I am really dreading going to bed right now; Hugging my pillow to fall asleep is sad.And I'm tired of being so lonely.
I wish I wasn't so afraid to take a chance on other things like I'm not afraid to express myself on here, I dunno, whatever.
I'm not afraid to admit these things, I just hate that I go through them. I have a job interview tomorrow so that's great. But I am really dreading going to bed right now; Hugging my pillow to fall asleep is sad.And I'm tired of being so lonely.
I wish I wasn't so afraid to take a chance on other things like I'm not afraid to express myself on here, I dunno, whatever.
Monday, March 11, 2013
What I can't say
In times like this I find myself listening to music that makes me feel something. It's been hard to really feel anything at all lately.but after talking and getting some closure I feel like I can feel a bit now. It's not happy feelings, in fact at first I didn't feel anything
I knew what I would say if I ever got the chance to talk to her again, and I didn't say everything. Maybe because I was afraid of it. I didn't tell her I won't ever stop loving her. I didn't tell her how I remember the first day we actually talked. The moment I fell in love with her. How every time I look at her eyes I feel safe, and how I miss her voice. Or being the first thing she heard in the morning.
I didn't tell her I will never completely be over her, or that I don't think I'll ever find anyone who makes me feel the way she did. Or after talking to her for one day, all of my old feelings have come back. Or that I think it might have been a bad idea to even talk to her again.
I only say that because now I can't stop thinking about her again. And how things ended, and how I don't have her anymore, and it hurts so much. Talking to her hurts, But I missed it for so long I wouldn't want to lose it again. I am afraid what will happen.
Being perfectly honest, I contemplated leaving everything here to be with her.Sacrificing everything I am to just have a shot of making things work. I used to dream about a family with her, I still feel like it may happen some day. No matter how hard I try to tell myself it won't I can't stop myself from thinking so.
I wish things were different, I really wish I could do more to win her back to actually have something more than memories of her and how she made me feel. I thought I was fine with everything. Then I had a dream about her, woke up and began to cry, now I can't sleep and I feel extremely lonely.
I wish I could just grab and hold her and never let go,I wish she could feel how I feel when I think of her. How just the thought of talking to her again gave me goosebumps. How I am now though, I'm no good to anyone. I've been hiding away from everyone and everything.
Her messaging me made me realize I don't live in my own world, there are people here and know me and think of me. it's hard to feel invisible when someone is looking right at you. It's how I felt for a while, worthless, lifeless, empty. I'm scared. among other things....
I knew what I would say if I ever got the chance to talk to her again, and I didn't say everything. Maybe because I was afraid of it. I didn't tell her I won't ever stop loving her. I didn't tell her how I remember the first day we actually talked. The moment I fell in love with her. How every time I look at her eyes I feel safe, and how I miss her voice. Or being the first thing she heard in the morning.
I didn't tell her I will never completely be over her, or that I don't think I'll ever find anyone who makes me feel the way she did. Or after talking to her for one day, all of my old feelings have come back. Or that I think it might have been a bad idea to even talk to her again.
I only say that because now I can't stop thinking about her again. And how things ended, and how I don't have her anymore, and it hurts so much. Talking to her hurts, But I missed it for so long I wouldn't want to lose it again. I am afraid what will happen.
Being perfectly honest, I contemplated leaving everything here to be with her.Sacrificing everything I am to just have a shot of making things work. I used to dream about a family with her, I still feel like it may happen some day. No matter how hard I try to tell myself it won't I can't stop myself from thinking so.
I wish things were different, I really wish I could do more to win her back to actually have something more than memories of her and how she made me feel. I thought I was fine with everything. Then I had a dream about her, woke up and began to cry, now I can't sleep and I feel extremely lonely.
I wish I could just grab and hold her and never let go,I wish she could feel how I feel when I think of her. How just the thought of talking to her again gave me goosebumps. How I am now though, I'm no good to anyone. I've been hiding away from everyone and everything.
Her messaging me made me realize I don't live in my own world, there are people here and know me and think of me. it's hard to feel invisible when someone is looking right at you. It's how I felt for a while, worthless, lifeless, empty. I'm scared. among other things....
Symphony
There is nothing he can do, he sits in the dark, lost to the world outside. He hears a thump over and over; first it's slow, as if it's just going through the motions. No feeling to it, no emotion no reason. Just doing what it has to. Suddenly, he feels a strange warmth, a voice begins to whisper in his ear. He knows these words, he knows these feelings. The thumping becomes more apparent, more vibrant,more alive. The more he hears the more the thumping sound picks up. Almost as if it was hit by a bolt of energy that made it worth something.
Suddenly the voice stops, the thumping changes,it slows, almost as if it were crying itself. Suddenly he can hear a water drop. drop.drop.drop. is all he hears.As he tries to walk and move forward his legs stiffen walking becomes harder, sometimes as if he's not moving at all. The sound of the water drops gets louder, the thumps are so few and in between he doesn't even hear it anymore. All that can be heard is the drops.
He walks further and further with no real destination.He just walks, hoping,praying,dreaming, the voice will come back and lead him out of this place. He walks and hopes, the days become weeks than into months and into years. Through his walking he's heard many voices but not the one that stopped the water drops or changed the thumping.
He stops, everything on him aches, he thinks of the voice again that changed things and his eyes begin to hurt, the water drops come more frequent and rapid. The thumping returns in a rhythmic melody with the water drops as if they were playing a symphony of loneliness.
The symphony of a lonely and lost heart fill his ears, the water drops have covered his face,he's been drowned in this symphony. He basks in the sorrow as if it were a badge of honor. Knowing nothing more than this sorrow he makes it his own. He embraces it and lives it.
Awaiting the day a voice comes along to change the symphony that he lives within. Until then he walks with his back to the light, his body entrenched in the water drops and his mind lost in his symphony of a lonely heart.
Suddenly the voice stops, the thumping changes,it slows, almost as if it were crying itself. Suddenly he can hear a water drop. drop.drop.drop. is all he hears.As he tries to walk and move forward his legs stiffen walking becomes harder, sometimes as if he's not moving at all. The sound of the water drops gets louder, the thumps are so few and in between he doesn't even hear it anymore. All that can be heard is the drops.
He walks further and further with no real destination.He just walks, hoping,praying,dreaming, the voice will come back and lead him out of this place. He walks and hopes, the days become weeks than into months and into years. Through his walking he's heard many voices but not the one that stopped the water drops or changed the thumping.
He stops, everything on him aches, he thinks of the voice again that changed things and his eyes begin to hurt, the water drops come more frequent and rapid. The thumping returns in a rhythmic melody with the water drops as if they were playing a symphony of loneliness.
The symphony of a lonely and lost heart fill his ears, the water drops have covered his face,he's been drowned in this symphony. He basks in the sorrow as if it were a badge of honor. Knowing nothing more than this sorrow he makes it his own. He embraces it and lives it.
Awaiting the day a voice comes along to change the symphony that he lives within. Until then he walks with his back to the light, his body entrenched in the water drops and his mind lost in his symphony of a lonely heart.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Let it out
So, I went to see a therapist today, I told her about everything going on, mentioned my blog and she told me to write in it. And be honest with myself in it. So I am I'm going to speak from my heart and just air out everything I feel at the moment.
I have been more depressed than I've let people know, I've lost interest in everything just about. I don't really care much about anything, including myself. I lie to my friends and the people around me and put up this fake smile and "I'm doing fine" facade I put up. My heart feels broke, my soul feels broke. I'm lonely but I don't want to be around anyone because people just disappoint you.
I feel overlooked, I feel like I'm stuck doing the same thing for the last 11 years and have barely anything to show for it. I feel like no one cares. And why should they, I don't even care myself. I haven't worked since October, I barely even look anymore, I just sit in my room most of the day, in this chair, looking at this screen. Burying myself in hobbies and whatever else catches my attention for the day.
Then I sleep, I love to dream, things seem so much easier there. I can hear my sister cry sometimes because she's so worried about me and how I don't even care about anything anymore. I'm always tired. I'm always sad, or numb to anything.
I haven't totally gotten over my ex from almost 2 years ago still, I don't think I ever will until I meet someone else who makes me enjoy trying to be something more. I'll clean up the house to help my sister out. My thumb hurts so much, I can't bend it but I don't get it fixed because I feel like I deserve it.
I don't like who I am, I hide from my friends because I don't want them to know how bad things are, the more I write this, the more I fight back crying, fight back losing all control, I told my therapist all this. She's going to help but I don't know if I can be, or if I want to.
sorry to anyone who still reads this, I'm a giant downer who totally kills any sort of joy. I feel so overlooked in the work I do like no one even cares. I need to grow up, but I can't. I still miss my mom so much, to just run to her, and tell her how sad I am, to have her hold my hand and tell me how smart and talented and how much I have to offer.
There are others whom lost their parents earlier, to me they are lucky, they didn't have to worry about having more memories to remember and hurt from them. I feel self destructive, I'm not as strong as people might think I am.I don't know why I can't move on from anything, why I can't get over jealously of something so petty.
I just want to give up and disappear from everyone. So no one has to be scared or worried or angry or afraid or ashamed or embarrassed of me anymore.
I have been more depressed than I've let people know, I've lost interest in everything just about. I don't really care much about anything, including myself. I lie to my friends and the people around me and put up this fake smile and "I'm doing fine" facade I put up. My heart feels broke, my soul feels broke. I'm lonely but I don't want to be around anyone because people just disappoint you.
I feel overlooked, I feel like I'm stuck doing the same thing for the last 11 years and have barely anything to show for it. I feel like no one cares. And why should they, I don't even care myself. I haven't worked since October, I barely even look anymore, I just sit in my room most of the day, in this chair, looking at this screen. Burying myself in hobbies and whatever else catches my attention for the day.
Then I sleep, I love to dream, things seem so much easier there. I can hear my sister cry sometimes because she's so worried about me and how I don't even care about anything anymore. I'm always tired. I'm always sad, or numb to anything.
I haven't totally gotten over my ex from almost 2 years ago still, I don't think I ever will until I meet someone else who makes me enjoy trying to be something more. I'll clean up the house to help my sister out. My thumb hurts so much, I can't bend it but I don't get it fixed because I feel like I deserve it.
I don't like who I am, I hide from my friends because I don't want them to know how bad things are, the more I write this, the more I fight back crying, fight back losing all control, I told my therapist all this. She's going to help but I don't know if I can be, or if I want to.
sorry to anyone who still reads this, I'm a giant downer who totally kills any sort of joy. I feel so overlooked in the work I do like no one even cares. I need to grow up, but I can't. I still miss my mom so much, to just run to her, and tell her how sad I am, to have her hold my hand and tell me how smart and talented and how much I have to offer.
There are others whom lost their parents earlier, to me they are lucky, they didn't have to worry about having more memories to remember and hurt from them. I feel self destructive, I'm not as strong as people might think I am.I don't know why I can't move on from anything, why I can't get over jealously of something so petty.
I just want to give up and disappear from everyone. So no one has to be scared or worried or angry or afraid or ashamed or embarrassed of me anymore.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
The Adkins luck strikes again.
Yea so I haven't heard back since my date last week. I guess I was just something to pass the time. As my friend told me she didn't seem all that interested in me anymore. My luck in romance strikes again. What the fuck am I doing wrong? I thought it went well, I didn't speak about myself the whole night, and we had fun.
I guess I'm not the person she thought I would be I guess.
I don't get how people do this stuff, I'm sick of getting run over in these situations, I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should give up. Sometimes I wonder, maybe it's just destiny for me to be alone. I've been alone a lot my adult life. With brief moments of romance here and there. one sorta big one in 2009 with a girl who is now basically nuts and everytime she see's me she has to basically treat me like shit.And she's the one who left me. And of course the real big one which was almost two years ago now.
Sometimes I think I over romanticized that relationship. A few of my friends think that's the case as well. I did feel I was in love though, but whatever that's in the past and will stay there.For now I'll just stay on my own and do whatever. I think I'm done actually trying and just wait to see if anything ever just happens to me rather than trying to force it to come again.
Meh whatever I guess. I feel like an idiot.
I guess I'm not the person she thought I would be I guess.
I don't get how people do this stuff, I'm sick of getting run over in these situations, I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should give up. Sometimes I wonder, maybe it's just destiny for me to be alone. I've been alone a lot my adult life. With brief moments of romance here and there. one sorta big one in 2009 with a girl who is now basically nuts and everytime she see's me she has to basically treat me like shit.And she's the one who left me. And of course the real big one which was almost two years ago now.
Sometimes I think I over romanticized that relationship. A few of my friends think that's the case as well. I did feel I was in love though, but whatever that's in the past and will stay there.For now I'll just stay on my own and do whatever. I think I'm done actually trying and just wait to see if anything ever just happens to me rather than trying to force it to come again.
Meh whatever I guess. I feel like an idiot.
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