Let it out

So, I went to see a therapist today, I told her about everything going on, mentioned my blog and she told me to write in it. And be honest with myself in it. So I am I'm going to speak from my heart and just air out everything I feel at the moment.


I have been more depressed than I've let people know, I've lost interest in everything just about. I don't really care much about anything, including myself. I lie to my friends and the people around me and put up this fake smile and "I'm doing fine" facade I put up. My heart feels broke, my soul feels broke. I'm lonely but I don't want to be around anyone because people just disappoint you.


I feel overlooked, I feel like I'm stuck doing the same thing for the last 11 years and have barely anything to show for it. I feel like no one cares. And why should they, I don't even care myself. I haven't worked since October, I barely even look anymore, I just sit in my room most of the day, in this chair, looking at this screen. Burying myself in hobbies and whatever else catches my attention for the day.

Then I sleep, I love to dream, things seem so much easier there. I can hear my sister cry sometimes because she's so worried about me and how I don't even care about anything anymore. I'm always tired. I'm always sad, or numb to anything.

I haven't totally gotten over my ex from almost 2 years ago still, I don't think I ever will until I meet someone else who makes me enjoy trying to be something more. I'll clean up the house to help my sister out. My thumb hurts so much, I can't bend it but I don't get it fixed because I feel like I deserve it.

I don't like who I am, I hide from my friends because I don't want them to know how bad things are, the more I write this, the more I fight back crying, fight back losing all control, I told my therapist all this. She's going to help but I don't know if I can be, or if I want to.

sorry to anyone who still reads this, I'm a giant downer who totally kills any sort of joy. I feel so overlooked in the work I do like no one even cares. I need to grow up, but I can't. I still miss my mom so much, to just run to her, and tell her how sad I am, to have her hold my hand and tell me how smart and talented and how much I have to offer.

There are others whom lost their parents earlier, to me they are lucky, they didn't have to worry about having  more memories to remember and hurt from them. I feel self destructive, I'm not as strong as people might think I am.I don't know why I can't move on from anything, why I can't get over jealously of something so petty.

I just want to give up and disappear from everyone. So no one has to be scared or worried or angry or afraid or ashamed or embarrassed of me anymore.