A glimmer of hope

I got a call from someone I didn't expect to. I thought I sorta blew it with her seeing as how we got into a huge fight last time we talked And I called her shallow in which she threw the fact her liking me was probably apart of that. Burn? A friend of mine hooked me up and gave me a second chance by vouching for me. She called me earlier today and we had a long talk over things.

We decided to go out and see where things go from here, but it looks good. I always felt she was out of my league since I met her years ago.I admittedly told her this and she reassured me by boosting my ego telling me I was really cute and always thought I was. And that I should have asked her out years ago. Confidence plays a big part with women evidently. So I didn't miss my chance this time and went for it.

It's brightened up my day as well and I'm sorta freaking out a bit over tomorrow night, and how it goes. She is easy enough to talk to, but I've never been in this situation with her before and I am very nervous about how it goes. She's picking me up to go out for dinner and then a movie or something. It'll be good to go out on a date after a long while but it should be fun.

If I don't blow it :p Wish me luck!

Ho Ho Ho?

***Warning***

Reading this post might make you feel not so good about the holidays so if you're in a good mood and are looking for a cheery post don't bother reading.



I hate this time of the year. I haven't always, but the last few years it's shown me what I don't have anymore. And that is a family. Seeing as how Christmas is a time for being with your loved ones I don't really have any right now so it sorta just shows you how alone you are when you don't.

I know one day this holiday will mean something again, but now I could care less.Call me a Grinch or a Scrooge or whatever I could give two fucks. I still have so many dreams about my mom. Its only been a year and I still think of her all the time. The holidays are just another day on the calender for me now.

While I feel good about overcoming my grief over losing her and moving passed the first person I ever loved. I am still in a dark place right now. And I don't know when I'll be out of it, it's been a hard few months. I don't know how long it's going to take me to find a job. And our rent only dropped a little to help my sister out.

God dammit I hate that almost every time I decide to post in my blog it's fucking negative and sad and depressing. I hate it. but I don't have anyone to talk to about this anymore. And I feel like if I don't say it here and bottle it up I'm going to end up taking it out on myself physically like I used to. (Mainly by punching things that destroy my hands) That's something I don't want to do anymore.

It could be the fact I quit smoking weed and cigarettes that have me extra depressed and full of angst. I don't know though. Being alone sucks. and having no family is even worse. Fuck, I can't wait for January 1st already. Ho ho horrible.

Solitude

Feeling a bit better about everything today. Although I feel extremely lonely. I started on my book. I got about 8 pages in so far. It's been a fun way to take my mind off of other stressful things going on. I feel like I should try to do more on other things but I feel okay with it all.

I really wonder if I'll meet anyone with how I go about things. Someone real at least but, I shouldn't make that a priority by any means.I dunno just feels like going through life alone isn't always the best option but right now it's my only one.

It's time to move on.

Yea, I think It's finally done. I finally feel it's done. No more feelings. No more thinking about it. No more. feels good. And I should have been like this a while ago.

Being stuck on something for so long is not healthy. Especially when it feels like it's one sided. Like they didn't care anymore for a long time. And you kept giving them this benefit of the doubt that you shouldn't have. I know how stupid and pathetic it looked. And I don't plan to ever go back to that feeling again. It's over never will I think about that again never will I acknowledge it or dwell on it beyond this post.

It hasn't been whats making me feel like shit, but I kept feeling like if I had them back in my life, things might be better, but how? They have moved on 3 times over with different people. And me to just stay stuck in that shadow of a relationship is just stupid.

Sleeping is the best thing in the world.

I don't know anymore.

Trying to be positive in this holiday season. I flirted with this girl on the train but just so happens she had a girlfriend. Yea a girlfriend. Been hard trying to find a job that doesn't make me want to kill myself, but you have to do what you have to do. The holidays really can show you how alone you are, which sucks. And I've never felt more alone than I do this season.

Everything I write seems so negative and dark, just a downward spiral of bitterness and loneliness. I wish it wasn't I wish I could be more upbeat and enjoy life and everything but I can't. Is there answers out there to how I get everything back? How I can be happy again? How life can have some kind of meaning other than to try to make it through the next damn day?

I'm surprised anyone reads this blog, maybe some people do to feel better about themselves, because this is just so damn pitiful I'd read it myself to feel better about my own life if it wasn't my own blog.

I should be thankful I'm alive and healthy and have a roof over my head. But shouldn't I want more? Shouldn't everyone want more? I should start taking things into my own hands and trying to get my stuff in order. But sometimes I feel like what am I doing this for? Why am I so important that I need to. I just don't feel like I'm worth it half the time.

For those reading this I don't mean to be a downer, but it's getting harder to find things I enjoy. It's getting harder to push past all of my failures. All of my guilt. All of my loneliness. I don't know why every damn post is full of sappy dark wallowing pity. But what else can I do? I'm at my wits end. I just want to be happy and enjoy what life brings. But all I've gotten is heartache.


Maybe I should just stop trying everything in general. And just wallow away.

More Madness from a lost soul

So I figured I write even more because I feel better when I talk about all of this for some reason.
My dad has been calling me and my sister for about 4 months now, my sister will not take his calls. I on the other hand have had to lie why she doesn't want to talk to him. He's been sober for about 5 months now and I'm proud of him, but my sister isn't on board yet. Said she'd actually acknowledge his sobriety when he's reached like 5 years.

I think it's a bit rough but she's been around him a lot longer than I have. Retail is something I didn't want to ever get back into as far as jobs go, but right now I don't have much choice on the matter. The job I had before was the longest I had kept. 3 years, 3 years and I was let go because I was 7 minutes late. All be it I was on my final warning, and that was because I would work my ass off and forget to take a lunch break before my 5th hour.

I was good at my job, damn good, it takes 2 people to do what I did in 3 hours. And I was let go because of bullshit. When I left the whole atmosphere at the place changed. I had people calling me telling me it was a lot less fun and silly (which is basically me in a nutshell at times). 3 other people left after me because of the way things were going. I'm not saying I was the life of the store, but I was a big part of what made people smile.

I miss my mom everyday, it's still so surreal that she's not here anymore. I have dreams about her all the time in our old townhouse back in Hayward before I moved out here. I still wake up every few days and just go "damn, she's really not coming back". It's still hard to swallow, when you lose someone who did so much for you, and they are no longer around it's hard to try to do those things yourself. It almost feels like you shouldn't be doing because that other person was doing them and did them so good.

I have a hard time letting go of anything, I can't lie and say that I don't still love my Ex from last year,because I do. If that's pitiful and sad then call me one pitiful sad man. I had fun, I enjoyed her, she made everything in my life not suck.And I still wake up every now and then and wonder what if. I don't dwell on it, I just look at it as a missed opportunity.

I don't go out much, I don't have a car, I don't know how to drive. All my friends are all really busy with their own lives, while I sit and let mine waste away.All I have now are my hobbies and this, this blog. Well it's good for one thing, and that's the one thing I love more than almost anything, and that's to write.

I don't want anyone's pity, that's not why I'm writing this, it's just me telling a blog what I can't tell my friends, what I'm scared to tell myself. But it has to be said, or else I'm just keeping it bottled and that's no good for anyone. I hope everyone who read's this has a happy holiday season, even if I'm not.

The insane ramblings of a lost and tortured soul

This has turned into an extremely rough month. I don't know if I'm going to get my unemployment, I decided to take a leave of absence from school because I can barely pay my bills. The only job I can actually get is another job I told myself I would never take again.

Why did I have to fuck up so bad in high school? Why do I have to be so stubborn. And procrastinate and ruin things that are good.

Why is it that I take one step forward and then take 5 steps back. My sister wants to move in with her boyfriend by the time our lease is up here, which is cool, I'll have my own place. On the other hand will I though? I'm not working, and if this appeal for my unemployment doesn't kick in I won't be able to pay rent next month.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to ask my friends for help again, I feel like I would be taking advantage of them. My phone was cut off. My life feels cut off. What the fuck am I doing?


I know suicide isn't the answer, but it sure feels like an easy way to get rid of a thousand problems. I'm going to just sleep the rest of today, and dream of a life that would be better. A wife, kids, writing movies and tv shows and the like. Everything I've always wanted, but can't seem to get to. Because I seem to be my own worse enemy.

I stayed up all night, because there is this feeling you get when you don't have any sleep, it's this sort of zombie state. Where you just zone out of reality in are stuck in this bubble. I love that bubble, it's more than likely super unhealthy but it's all I have right now.

Maybe if I had a little more faith or a little more perseverance or something . I fucking hate the holiday season. Second year I will go with no X-mas or family or friends on it. I think I'm getting used to being alone in my own silly little world.