Why is it i find myself attracted to girls in relationships,but don't know they are in one until i ask them out.

I must read signals wrong

I tend to rush into things it seems.

Want

I want you back.

Welcoming surprise

Didn't expect a birthday shout out from you but it sure did make my day :3

I tried to thank you more personally but this seemed more approachable.

It warms my heart to know you still think about me from time to time.

Happy birthday me.

Still

If You read this Lisa


I still love you, and will always love you.



You always enter my mind at some point and I smile, Wish I could feel that again,

Wishful thinking

I kind of knew it was fake, but I guess the thought of someone reaching out for me clouded my judgement, I should have ignored it and just moved on. Instead I let my loneliness get the better of me and I paid the price for it. I knew deep down it was all fake, but I didn't want to admit to myself how lonely I really am. This whole thing opened that wound and now I find myself writing in here to let out the feelings I have now.

I even tried to reach out to the only person I ever fell in love with I don't know what I was expecting or going to get because it's obvious that ship has sailed with her and it's never coming back. I knew that, yet I still tried only to fall on deaf ears again. I know why I did, the small tiny chance that maybe she'd listen or be there.

So I sit here, writing this fighting back the tears in my eyes from the feeling of failure once again. Wondering why I even bother, I honestly don't know anymore, I know a pity party doesn't help either,.I just don't really know what to do anymore, and I feel like I might be on my own forever. I thought I was fine with it, but it's pretty clear I'm not.

It'd be nice to just talk to her again, only to know someone cared because they wanted to, not because we're blood and have to. I hate being in this state of mind, I hate feeling so down on myself and feeling like nothing good will ever come but I only have myself to blame for me being stuck.

I have never missed being loved by someone so much before in my life, it's been 3 years since I felt like I did the last few days, I knew it was fake, but I still enjoyed the feeling, and pretending, I never thought I'd miss it so much, but now I find myself missing the real love I had once upon a time,I find myself missing her all over again.

Growing Up

It took 31 years, but I finally feel like I'm becoming a real adult. Not making the same lazy childish mistakes, taking better care of myself. Which included quitting smoking, something that I thought I'd never do. I feel like it's time for me to be the man my mother would be proud of. The man I should be proud of. 

The more and more I see my friends making their families bigger I find myself wanting my own. There's a lot of things I have to do before that, And hopefully it's not too late. I'd love to watch my children grow and steer them in directions I was too afraid and unwilling to go. I don't want to live through them, but I want them to do what I couldn't do, be what I couldn't. 

Before I do that, I have to find someone again, I have to get past finding a warm body for the night. Sometimes I have to wonder what I'm so afraid of. I have to make big changes, including how I spend most of my days, I can't be this hermit I'm turning into, I can't be afraid of whats out there. And what might come. It's not entirely easy for me to really find anyone though. I think that can be said for anyone though. Love isn't easy and it doesn't drop in your lap, but I'm willing to try and I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone to do so. 

It's time, It's time to grow up.