Let it out

So, I went to see a therapist today, I told her about everything going on, mentioned my blog and she told me to write in it. And be honest with myself in it. So I am I'm going to speak from my heart and just air out everything I feel at the moment.


I have been more depressed than I've let people know, I've lost interest in everything just about. I don't really care much about anything, including myself. I lie to my friends and the people around me and put up this fake smile and "I'm doing fine" facade I put up. My heart feels broke, my soul feels broke. I'm lonely but I don't want to be around anyone because people just disappoint you.


I feel overlooked, I feel like I'm stuck doing the same thing for the last 11 years and have barely anything to show for it. I feel like no one cares. And why should they, I don't even care myself. I haven't worked since October, I barely even look anymore, I just sit in my room most of the day, in this chair, looking at this screen. Burying myself in hobbies and whatever else catches my attention for the day.

Then I sleep, I love to dream, things seem so much easier there. I can hear my sister cry sometimes because she's so worried about me and how I don't even care about anything anymore. I'm always tired. I'm always sad, or numb to anything.

I haven't totally gotten over my ex from almost 2 years ago still, I don't think I ever will until I meet someone else who makes me enjoy trying to be something more. I'll clean up the house to help my sister out. My thumb hurts so much, I can't bend it but I don't get it fixed because I feel like I deserve it.

I don't like who I am, I hide from my friends because I don't want them to know how bad things are, the more I write this, the more I fight back crying, fight back losing all control, I told my therapist all this. She's going to help but I don't know if I can be, or if I want to.

sorry to anyone who still reads this, I'm a giant downer who totally kills any sort of joy. I feel so overlooked in the work I do like no one even cares. I need to grow up, but I can't. I still miss my mom so much, to just run to her, and tell her how sad I am, to have her hold my hand and tell me how smart and talented and how much I have to offer.

There are others whom lost their parents earlier, to me they are lucky, they didn't have to worry about having  more memories to remember and hurt from them. I feel self destructive, I'm not as strong as people might think I am.I don't know why I can't move on from anything, why I can't get over jealously of something so petty.

I just want to give up and disappear from everyone. So no one has to be scared or worried or angry or afraid or ashamed or embarrassed of me anymore.

The Adkins luck strikes again.

Yea so I haven't heard back since my date last week. I guess I was just something to pass the time. As my friend told me she didn't seem all that interested in me anymore. My luck in romance strikes again. What the fuck am I doing wrong? I thought it went well, I didn't speak about myself the whole night, and we had fun.
I guess I'm not the person she thought I would be I guess.

I don't get how people do this stuff, I'm sick of getting run over in these situations, I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should give up. Sometimes I wonder, maybe it's just destiny for me to be alone. I've been alone a lot my adult life. With brief moments of romance here and there. one sorta big one in 2009 with a girl who is now basically nuts and everytime she see's me she has to basically treat me like shit.And she's the one who left me. And of course the real big one which was almost two years ago now.

Sometimes I think I over romanticized that relationship. A few of my friends think that's the case as well. I did feel I was in love though, but whatever that's in the past and will stay there.For now I'll just stay on my own and do whatever. I think I'm done actually trying and just wait to see if anything ever just happens to me rather than trying to force it to come again.

Meh whatever I guess. I feel like an idiot.

A glimmer of hope

I got a call from someone I didn't expect to. I thought I sorta blew it with her seeing as how we got into a huge fight last time we talked And I called her shallow in which she threw the fact her liking me was probably apart of that. Burn? A friend of mine hooked me up and gave me a second chance by vouching for me. She called me earlier today and we had a long talk over things.

We decided to go out and see where things go from here, but it looks good. I always felt she was out of my league since I met her years ago.I admittedly told her this and she reassured me by boosting my ego telling me I was really cute and always thought I was. And that I should have asked her out years ago. Confidence plays a big part with women evidently. So I didn't miss my chance this time and went for it.

It's brightened up my day as well and I'm sorta freaking out a bit over tomorrow night, and how it goes. She is easy enough to talk to, but I've never been in this situation with her before and I am very nervous about how it goes. She's picking me up to go out for dinner and then a movie or something. It'll be good to go out on a date after a long while but it should be fun.

If I don't blow it :p Wish me luck!

Ho Ho Ho?

***Warning***

Reading this post might make you feel not so good about the holidays so if you're in a good mood and are looking for a cheery post don't bother reading.



I hate this time of the year. I haven't always, but the last few years it's shown me what I don't have anymore. And that is a family. Seeing as how Christmas is a time for being with your loved ones I don't really have any right now so it sorta just shows you how alone you are when you don't.

I know one day this holiday will mean something again, but now I could care less.Call me a Grinch or a Scrooge or whatever I could give two fucks. I still have so many dreams about my mom. Its only been a year and I still think of her all the time. The holidays are just another day on the calender for me now.

While I feel good about overcoming my grief over losing her and moving passed the first person I ever loved. I am still in a dark place right now. And I don't know when I'll be out of it, it's been a hard few months. I don't know how long it's going to take me to find a job. And our rent only dropped a little to help my sister out.

God dammit I hate that almost every time I decide to post in my blog it's fucking negative and sad and depressing. I hate it. but I don't have anyone to talk to about this anymore. And I feel like if I don't say it here and bottle it up I'm going to end up taking it out on myself physically like I used to. (Mainly by punching things that destroy my hands) That's something I don't want to do anymore.

It could be the fact I quit smoking weed and cigarettes that have me extra depressed and full of angst. I don't know though. Being alone sucks. and having no family is even worse. Fuck, I can't wait for January 1st already. Ho ho horrible.

Solitude

Feeling a bit better about everything today. Although I feel extremely lonely. I started on my book. I got about 8 pages in so far. It's been a fun way to take my mind off of other stressful things going on. I feel like I should try to do more on other things but I feel okay with it all.

I really wonder if I'll meet anyone with how I go about things. Someone real at least but, I shouldn't make that a priority by any means.I dunno just feels like going through life alone isn't always the best option but right now it's my only one.

It's time to move on.

Yea, I think It's finally done. I finally feel it's done. No more feelings. No more thinking about it. No more. feels good. And I should have been like this a while ago.

Being stuck on something for so long is not healthy. Especially when it feels like it's one sided. Like they didn't care anymore for a long time. And you kept giving them this benefit of the doubt that you shouldn't have. I know how stupid and pathetic it looked. And I don't plan to ever go back to that feeling again. It's over never will I think about that again never will I acknowledge it or dwell on it beyond this post.

It hasn't been whats making me feel like shit, but I kept feeling like if I had them back in my life, things might be better, but how? They have moved on 3 times over with different people. And me to just stay stuck in that shadow of a relationship is just stupid.

Sleeping is the best thing in the world.