I am getting drunker than I have gotten in a long while, and I am going to pick up some one at the bar, I'm done with this whole looking for love and all that shit, its a waste of time anyway. You end up getting run over in the end.

So I'm going back to what I did before her, before this summer, and that's fucking older women because that's who wants me, and thats who don't play games with me and tug at me and fall for someone a week after they break up with you, who fucking does that?! oh yea you do that.

Fuck you

Fuck you, I hate you so much, you're going to fuck it up like you do all your relationships, because you have to sabotage everything, write me off like I'm not even worth your time anymore, yet you said you'd always love me and be my friend, you don't say a fucking word to me outside of that channel.

You're never satisfied, You can't even stay happy long enough by yourself, you use love as a crutch its your own little drug, and you abuse the people you use that love on, look what you did to me, but do you care? No. you don't ask to see how I'm doing you don't bother to say anything, so fuck you, God I can't believe I feel so much hurt over you, this fucking sucks.

You suck, I still love you so much, but now I feel so fucking angry, and so fucking let down I'm not sad at all fuck feeling sad, I'm done with that, just, fuck you. 

Acceptance and Appreciation

Today has been good, the girls at work had a cutest guy voting or something it had been going on for a while, and I tied for first.My ego got a little swelled from it, but I realize there isn't much of a competition.

I had another dream last night, when I woke up I was fine though, I've kinda learned to accept them now.I love them and cherish every one I have, I don't know how long they'll last so I should enjoy them now. I actually seen a girl on the bus who looked somewhat like the daughter I had with her, she had pigtails and was so cute, I smiled at her when she looked back at me and she smiled back.

I asked nelly if she voted for me, and she told me yes, I was kinda shocked by it, I used to have a crush on her but I thought she didn't think much of me, she was always nice but I think I always came off immature to her, but that doesn't mean she doesn't think I'm cute. Her El Salvadorian accent is so cute.

:3

I can't escape these dreams no matter how hard I try, I keep having them every time I sleep, EVERY TIME. why is this still happening? Why do I find myself crying? I am not going to sleep, not until I figure out why I cant stop dreaming of her in some form or another. this time it was me chasing her, she didn't even seem to notice me, but I kept running and running and she kept getting farther away.

This isn't supposed to be about just her, that's not what this is for,I have been doing fine when I'm awake and everything has been going ok,  but when I fall asleep I can't stop what my heart is yearning for, I think she sorta broke me, all those times telling me she loved me over and over I can't get it out of my head......I can hear it now.

Fuck,all this new territory I've been entering with falling in love and then having my heart broken. I Don't know if it was such a good time for it,I was already at a somewhat emotional high from everything with my mother, now this. My eyes are so puffy from crying I haven't cried like this in a long time, I feel weak for not being able to pull myself through this, I kinda hate myself for it.

Love is so tricky, and I have become its play thing.

Dreams of The Hearts Desire.

I have been having what seems to be the same ongoing dream, this family that I've somehow created in my dreams, its there still every night I try not to think of it too much, but again I find myself back in this same scenario.They aren't bad dreams,They are what my heart truly desires,love and a family, and it just happens to be my ex whose the catalyst.

I'm afraid to go to sleep at times now, because when I wake I just get sad again, I had an amazingly wonderful dream last night. We took the kids out to the Forest, as I drive us, I see her tending to the two kids being mischievous in the back "Anne!" she yells out "Yes Mommy?" She says in an innocent tone "Stop messing around with your brother" her looks says she's serious, but at the same time its still very much loving, "I'm not doing anything!"She quickly turns her head away to avoid eye contact. "You're just like your father, unaware of anything"

She says as she gives out a small sigh. The boy looks out the window "Mommy look!" as he points to a group of deer off in the distance, we all stop to look at them I take a moment back and look at them all watching, I have never felt this happy before, it feels so real its something I've always wanted for as long as I can remember.

I woke up then, realized it was just a dream and I cried a little, As I whisper your name out. I cry myself back to sleep to once again find myself with my family.We've made it to the park, the run over to the lake to see the sights, I grab your hand and pick up our boy,Wyatt. We spent the whole day there just enjoying each other, I never had dreams that felt so real and relaxed like this.Both kids in your lap asleep as you lean your head on my shoulder.I can feel a kiss on my cheek "I'm so happy to be with you Junior, I am so happy for these kids you've blessed me with" she says as she gazes into my eyes."I'm the one who's blessed to have all of you, This is all I've ever wanted El," I tell her.

We just sit there for a while, looking into each other, enjoying what we've given ourselves what we've allowed ourselves to have.My heart starts to flutter and before I can kiss her I wake up."NO" I yelled out, that night, last night, I ended up waking up at 11 pm only an hour, after I fell asleep, but the dream it felt a lot longer,I was scared to go back to sleep, I ended up staying up till 3 am, finally falling asleep.

I found myself in another dream about my family here,its not as long, but its just as precious as the rest,We're home, and just sitting on the couch watching tv together.Everything, felt so real, from the warmth of your cute little nose snuggling on my neck, to our kids laying on my legs, I can feel it all. As I write this, I'm starting to get water eyed again, I think I enjoy sleeping and my dream life more than this real one, everything is where I want it to be, where it should be there.

Is it wrong that all I want to do is sleep and dream of her and them? Is it wrong that I wake up and cry when I realize its not real? Whats to say its not? I don't know sometimes. This summer has changed me,YOU have changed me, I wish I could give you those children, and all of our love, I want it more than anything in the world, how long will this take? If you read this, can you tell me? Can you help me?

Most times I'm ok, But I can't stop these dreams, and I kinda don't want to, Its just so frustrating,everyday when I walk over the bridge on my way to work, there's a horizon, that leads out to wherever is beyond where I am, I tend to find myself every day looking out towards you. I didn't think it was going to be this tough, I will always carry a torch for you, the fire I have for you will not die, I can't stop it, I don't know when I'll be able to just want someone else, but right now I don't I don't want anyone but you.

Addicted

I find myself addicted to Romantic movies and anime's. every time I see the passion and emotion these people show for one another and when they say "I Love you" I get this unbelievably beautiful feeling, Because I've felt this before, I can't really stop doing it now, sometimes when its really good my eyes get watery and I go blank.

Who am I kidding when I say I don't want companionship, I have become addicted to love, I want it again, and I yearn for it,my heart is crying for it as much as my soul is. This stuff is really hard, I miss her so god damn MUCH right now,I'll keep to my movies for now.

I'll always be around

I talked to you, wasn't long, it saddens me when you're down. I want you to know you can talk to me if you want about anything. I promise to put being a friend before being an ex,but you'd have to talk to me though. I just want you to know I'll always be around if you want to talk about anything.