Numb

starting to feel numb to feelings in general. A good friend of mine is going through so much right now and I've been there to help her out, but I feel like I'm so numb to bad things that I sometimes don't take into account her feelings. She wants to go out this Saturday for lunch. I said yes but I don't know how to talk about all of this that she's been through.

I feel so weird right now, so far away from everyone, just in my own fucking world doing whatever I please. I feel so selfish but thinking and knowing about it makes me even more selfish to me.

god sometimes I hate all of this. so much. Also feeling jealous, because I just cannot see my fucking ex one day. And the day I decide to read one of her posts it just makes me jealous as hell. It's my own fault for reading the damn thing.

Idle

Schools going good. Wish I could stop putting off work so late in the week though. Been sick this week very sick, but still managed to go to work and eventually do my work. Things in school are good and work is fine. Life itself feels sorta idle, I think after all the progress I made in changing things I fell back into that old rutt.

I don't really seem to care about it either, it's all school and work right now. I have no interest in a love life. And I wonder, if that's a bad thing. kinda feels like it might.

My birthday is this friday and I don't know what I'm going to do or even care about it. Just feels like another day.


One year ago yesterday my mother died. I think about her everyday I wake up. I miss her so much, I wish she was here to see me going back to school and doing good. She'd be proud of me. You can't always have what you want, because if you could I would still be with my girlfriend from last year.

I think I'm broken.

Stirring old feelings up

So while on an irc channel I tend to visit, a friend brought up a old discussion on a forum about her. All my emotions came rushing forward with the sheer mention of her. At this very moment I can't stop myself from shaking. I feel like I don't think I will ever get over her. Fucking shit. How many times am I going to keep saying that? It seems almost pathetic in a sense but, they do say you never truly get over the first person you fall in love with.

My life has been picking up and I'm doing better. I just got an A in my last course.And my GPA is now a 3.0
My sister and friends are proud and impressed with what I'm doing. But my mind still wanders. Asking myself, "What would she think about this? how is she doing?" Why do I need to even think about it? I don't know honestly. My love life is weird right now, just random dating and I've worked up the courage to ask out women now,but she still stays in my heart and on my mind.

I know part of it is because I never got closure, which was my own fault. I became a complete asshole and creep. I lost myself in rage and heartache. I've written countless poems over how I felt over it all And about her. They just sit here in my folder, all of them. Full of my anger, full of my tears, full of my love. Full of my regret. I don't know what to do other than to just ignore it all. I fight back a few tears now over how I feel. It's weird, It's been so long now but, it still feels like it was only last month everything happened.

I'll do what I've done in the past, use this blog, my poetry, my friends and my writing to get past this hole in my heart. I know I can sooth it, but I don't think I can ever fill it.

Living to write.

This week has been interesting. Writing stories and screenplays for school have actually helped me dive into my own personal stuff a bit better. As I've been taking events and situations in my own life and writing about them. Doing this has actually helped me see things through other people's eyes that I never noticed. It's help me see myself in another light and makes me want to change myself more so than I ever thought I needed to.

A friend at work had asked me why I wanted to write, why I wanted to have this as my career. It's simple. I love to live in my head. I love to live out my fantasies and fears and triumphs through storytelling. I know I mention her a lot and haven't recently,but I really should thank my ex girlfriend for giving me the idea of this blog. It's shown me what I really want to do with life and has really changed me for the better.

Writing is something that lets me share what I can't share out-loud either because I'm afraid or because I don't know how to express myself fully. I owe her a lot for this, and am so happy I found something that I love to do.

also my date went okay Saturday, I don't know if I'll go out with her again though but it was nice to have a date on a Saturday night in like forever.

Single life.

Being single has been good lately, like really living the single life. Dating and all that has been hard for me in general but I've gotten better at it. I feel good that I finally take the chance to actually ask someone out rather than being approached. Confidence does go a long way.

going out Saturday! should be good! yay me

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is the first birthday of my mother's since she passed. I hadn't thought too much about her in recent weeks although she's always in my heart. I started to think about her the other day on the way home; I ended up teary eyed again, I don't know when I'll ever get over her lost entirely.

My faith isn't really around anymore so I don't really see her like my sister does as her "looking down" on us. I keep her in my heart and that's good enough for me.

all those who still have their mothers please don't take advantage of them. Love them and treat them good. You only get one mother.Treasure her.