finding another way

 So this year has been rough for us all, Every year seems rough for me in some capacity or another, but this year has made me want to do less than I've ever wanted to do. I don't have any motivation to continue things I've started ages ago and I don't know if I'll get it back.  I want to write more and not about my boring life. I want to be able to make people feel something and enjoy something that I've done. Writing has always been my biggest outlet to get things off my chest, but what if it's biggest tool to finally be apart of this world? 

overly dramatic I know, that's my M.O. just have to get super serious about everything I have to do. I love to write though and it's been cathartic to write my emotions and feelings here, even if I sometimes regret some of the things I say afterwards (like my stupid post before this) at the time it feels good to get things off my chest. I can't open up to people like this because there's not too many people I can talk to. 

maybe writing about some of my fears will help me overcome them, help me figure out what I can do or should do. And maybe it is my calling. I won't know until I really try, so I think I'm finally ready to take that step. 

I won't let my own memories be twisted

Coming back to this two days in a row, doesn't normally happen, but it's been one of those weeks.
I understand some of the sorrow and anger some of the people have,but I can't ever view what I had with her negative, it's one of the only things I can look to when I think of things in my life that made me happy. I've lost so much of what did, and I don't want to lose anymore. I won't allow any of this to taint how I felt, how I feel. I never knew what the fuck it was to feel in love with someone till that moment, and I haven't since, that's how I know how special it was.

Didn't matter how it ended or started up again and ended. I don't care, I can't lose anything else that made me happy, and now just hearing how people are so one sided in how they view everything, it makes it so hard for me to be around, I don't hate these people, I don't resent them, they just don't understand, and they can't.

I've struggled with depression for so long, being alone isolating myself, which I've seem to have done again recently, it's hard to get close to people when you lose them or just drift apart, Been feeling worse health wise too it seems, haven't told anyone the full way I've been feeling. Just the little stuff. I'm so scared of what it could be or even telling the people close to me it could be worse, all I've got now is my sister and all she has is me, I can't give her more panic with me. It's been such a rough year and a half for both of us, moreso her than me.


I'm trying to stay positive and keep my mood up, I'm trying the best I can, and I'll continue to.
I'll look into seeing whats really wrong with me, hopefully before it's too late. Writing in this, really helps there's still things I can't tell anyone, it's just too hard and feels too selfish in the current climate. I'm one of many in a lot of situations, but I do know whats special to me and what keeps me
looking forward to the future,and living.

How to go forward when looking back is all you can do.

Been so long since I wrote in here, probably should have a lot sooner, possibly last year, when all this anxiety and whatever the hell is going on with me is. When I don't find a way to escape everything I find myself stuck in what happens when we die, just death itself. It's extremely hard to not think of your mortality when people the closes to you keep dying. And especially now, with the times we're in, it's all I can think about.

So that leads me to thinking about the past, and simpler times when I'd get off of school and see my mom and watch my cartoons and then go outside and play with my friends and things were a lot easier didn't have to worry about people dying, or being in love or people judging you for the color of your skin. Just you and your friends or family taking those little trips to the mall, or the beach. Those things we think we'll do all the time or always have.

They aren't here anymore, and I find myself not knowing how to move past that, it's the only times I can feel happy, those chunks of beautiful moments, times with my mom, times with darian just outside talking about life and shooting the shit about nothing, I seen someone the other day that made me think for a second he was still here, I almost wanted to run up to the person and just hug them, but I know it's not him.

I've been extremely one off for a while now, I've made a lot of changes and got myself out of wallowing for a bit, but it's getting harder now, it's hard to find people to talk to about this and not drag them down into my own depression, I honestly don't know what to do other than at some point come to terms with my death and what can come after.


I wish it wasn't so hard, I wish I could find someone to share this with and feel like I'm progressing and not just hiding. I'm always so fucking scared, and I don't know what to do about it. Writing here for the first time in a while has helped, allowed me to be open with myself and how I really feel. And sadly it's not very good,some days are better than others, locked away with my own thoughts can be scary and a place I don't like to go to.


I guess writing it out is a bit of a release, maybe help me see I have a whole life ahead me before I die,that's what I like to tell myself at least. There will be so much you'll do and experience and be apart of. I still want to have kids and a family some day, probably won't get the one I used to dream about, because like everything else, it's just me looking back and staying there, I really miss it, and wish I could find something like that all those memories I've gotten over my life could come more now, I just want to stop feeling so scared of living.