Unforgettable

I had an interesting dream last night, things feel weird right now. I talked to some people about what has happened last week. Some people think I shouldn't be so forgiving. And or hung up on it. I understand moving on, but some of them just don't understand what it meant to me. It took me a while for me to understand myself.

When I did, that's when I finally felt okay with it ending. And that took me a year after we broke up to come to grips with. I've been doing better as the days go it seems. Some of my drive has returned a little bit. I still feel a little broken, and lost.I don't feel so negative about it anymore. I feel like I will make my way out of it, and have a chance for something more I guess.


Hopefully I can show that through my posts here. I don't want to read this and feel sad every time I do. It's about time I expressed myself more positively and tried more to be so. I know as long as I try I can be happy again. And find what I want and need in life. Sometimes the people you think are supposed to be that, aren't. It doesn't mean you won't find someone who is.


I hope one day I do. And I am happy for her happiness I hope this time she does things right. She deserves another chance to be happy after everything she has gone through.I'll always love her, but I know things won't work with us for numerous reasons. Even knowing all that I'd go back with her in a heartbeat. Funny thing is when I think of her the song Heartbeat by childish gambino is the song that comes to mind.
She will always be one of the most special people in my life though, one I will never forget.

Fearing Solitude in the night

I hate to go to bed at night without being entirely sleepy.My mind begins to wonder, and that's not always good. Since when my mind wanders I contemplate what is going on with me. And I end up depressed, even sometimes on the verge of crying. The more I read my own posts the more I feel like a failure at being a male with all of my emotions getting the best of me.

I'm not afraid to admit these things, I just hate that I go through them. I have a job interview tomorrow so that's great. But I am really dreading going to bed right now; Hugging my pillow to fall asleep is sad.And I'm tired of being so lonely.

I wish I wasn't so afraid to take a chance on other things like I'm not afraid to express myself on here, I dunno, whatever.

What I can't say

In times like this I find myself listening to music that makes me feel something. It's been hard to really feel anything at all lately.but after talking and getting some closure I feel like I can feel a bit now. It's not happy feelings, in fact at first I didn't feel anything

I knew what I would say if I ever got the chance to talk to her again, and I didn't say everything. Maybe because I was afraid of it. I didn't tell her I won't ever stop loving her. I didn't tell her how I remember the first day we actually talked. The moment I fell in love with her. How every time I look at her eyes I feel safe, and how I miss her voice. Or being the first thing she heard in the morning.

I didn't tell her I will never completely be over her, or that I don't think I'll ever find anyone who makes me feel the way she did. Or after talking to her for one day, all of my old feelings have come back. Or that I think it might have been a bad idea to even talk to her again.

I only say that because now I can't stop thinking about her again. And how things ended, and how I don't have her anymore, and it hurts so much. Talking to her hurts, But I missed it for so long I wouldn't want to lose it again. I am afraid what will happen.

Being perfectly honest, I contemplated leaving everything here to be with her.Sacrificing everything I am to just have a shot of making things work. I used to dream about a family with her, I still feel like it may happen some day. No matter how hard I try to tell myself it won't I can't stop myself from thinking so.

I wish things were different, I really wish I could do more to win her back to actually have something more than memories of her and how she made me feel.  I thought I was fine with everything. Then I had a dream about her, woke up and began to cry, now I can't sleep and I feel extremely lonely.

I wish I could just grab and hold her and never let go,I wish she could feel how I feel when I think of her. How just the thought of talking to her again gave me goosebumps. How I am now though, I'm no good to anyone. I've been hiding away from everyone and everything.

Her messaging me made me realize I don't live in my own world, there are people here and know me and think of me. it's hard to feel invisible when someone is looking right at you. It's how I felt for a while, worthless, lifeless, empty. I'm scared. among other things....

Symphony

There is nothing he can do, he sits in the dark, lost to the world outside. He hears a thump over and over; first it's slow, as if it's just going through the motions. No feeling to it, no emotion no reason. Just doing what it has to. Suddenly, he feels a strange warmth, a voice begins to whisper in his ear. He knows these words, he knows these feelings. The thumping becomes more apparent, more vibrant,more alive. The more he hears the more the thumping sound picks up. Almost as if it was hit by a bolt of energy that made it worth something.

Suddenly the voice stops, the thumping changes,it slows, almost as if it were crying itself. Suddenly he can hear a water drop. drop.drop.drop. is all he hears.As he tries to walk and move forward his legs stiffen walking becomes harder, sometimes as if he's not moving at all. The sound of the water drops gets louder, the thumps are so few and in between he doesn't even hear it anymore. All that can be heard is the drops.

He walks further and further with no real destination.He just walks, hoping,praying,dreaming, the voice will come back and lead him out of this place. He walks and hopes, the days become weeks than into months and into years. Through his walking he's heard many voices but not the one that stopped the water drops or changed the thumping.

He stops, everything on him aches, he thinks of the voice again that changed things and his eyes begin to hurt, the water drops come more frequent and rapid. The thumping returns in a rhythmic melody with the water drops as if they were playing a symphony of loneliness.

The symphony of a lonely and lost heart fill his ears, the water drops have covered his face,he's been drowned in this symphony. He basks in the sorrow as if it were a badge of honor. Knowing nothing more than this sorrow he makes it his own. He embraces it and lives it.

Awaiting the day a voice comes along to change the symphony that he lives within. Until then he walks with his back to the light, his body entrenched in the water drops and his mind lost in his symphony of a lonely heart.

My last post was me letting out so much that re reading it makes me feel worse. I think my days vary from day to day. And that seemed to be a really bad day.  I dunno how I feel right now, confused, anxious. Scared, hopeful.

see where things take me in the next couple of days.