Today from the advice from a friend, I made an attempt at asking someone out, found out they were with someone so that was a failure, but I at least attempted to ask her. Although now I feel a bit stupid for putting so much effort forward and falling on my face. I took it with stride and moved on, I don't know if its my age that's making me worry about being alone, or I'm just worried in general that I'm never going to find someone because of me.

I don't think I can change who I am, and I don't open up to people very easily, which has hindered me in the past. Why the fuck is almost every post about my love life? which is funny because I don't have one, or much of a life either atm besides school and work.

God I feel pathetic right now. *slaps self* good night.

why fight what you can't control

I was wrong when I said I can be fine by myself. Its not always easy, I sorta feel like an idiot for two reasons; 

one, I realized when I mentioned happy birthday to someone, it was 5 days early, July 21st sticks in my head because that was the day I decided that even though we were going through a rough part then, I still loved her and wanted to show it in a sonnet. Second, and this one makes me question myself and my state of mind. I found a few conversations I had with my ex from last year. reading them back we had a lot of fun talking to one another and goofing around I miss the start of our relationship.

I started to really think and reflect and just ask myself; "Are you sure you are over her? I questioned my caring about her.Is it just simply caring about someone you once loved? or is it that you're still IN love? the answer is I am. Fuck I seriously still am. I never have gotten over her. I don't think I ever will. god I hope she doesn't read this. last thing she needs is some ex from last year stuck on her forever.

I can't get over it, even when I try my best. I can look past being in love with her, but I can't say I'm over her. I'm not, and what does that say about me? I feel like a total loser to be honest, not because its her, but because its been a fucking year now, I've had another girlfriend since then, but I'm still in love with her.

This is how bad this is, today at work while on my break I was messing with my phone, I happen to run across her number in my phone and I know that number is a land line but I sent a text to it. All my emotions came rushing through when I seen her name. all the memories the late nights we spend just talking. waking her up in the morning before I went to work. All of it, I loved all of that I never have been more happy then when I was with her. 

The text I had sent to her was " I want to marry you, I want to be with you until my last breath. I want to have children with you so that there is another part of you that I can love.I have no heart when I don't have you. I will never want anyone like I want you."  I even contemplated flying out there to see her. But that would be bad for a bunch of reasons, the main reason being it put me in the "stalker" category. That's not what I am or want to be.

God I hope she doesn't read this post. Although a part of me deep down, that thinks this post will make her fall back in love with me wants her to. I don't know how to deal with this entirely. I don't know how to talk to someone about this without them looking down on me. I know what this make me; a sad sack who can't get over something that happen over a year ago. I'm sorry but I feel, no I KNOW I will never find anyone like her again, and that's what really scares me.

I love you with all my being lisa, and I don't think there will be a time when I won't not love you. If that makes me a loser, or whatever so be it. It's the price I'm willing to pay for my feelings, I can't control how my heart works. I can only listen to it. 

Caring

Is it ok to not have feelings anymore but,care for an ex? I find myself in a little bit of a bind, I decided to check her blog out today for the hell of it, thinking it be another post of her doing well and it wasn't. So I made a comment about it, which I think I probably shouldn't have. She was an important part in my life during a difficult time. My mother was very ill during the time I was seeing her, and she was really good at keeping my mind off of that.

I think we could be good friends,if she got over my in-sensitiveness,but I don't know if we should. Like, would feelings come back? I don't have any now, I'm fine with myself. I think it would be good for her to take a break from romance too. Its not my place but she went from a boyfriend she was with for a long time, to me to another guy and they all were in a short time from one another.

I understand why I still care about her, she gave me my first love. To be completely seriously honest, I don't think I would've ever fallen in love the way I was going if it weren't for her. Its not putting her up on this pedestal it's the simple fact I never felt that "free" to be myself around a girl before, every girl I had been with before her I wouldn't allow myself to be that open with and things would fizzle out.

I've changed since being with her, and my last ex I was just as ""free" with, although that would cause us to break up later.

The short reply is, I care about her, and hope she can be happy in whatever situation she's in. She was fun to be around because of her personality which is why I wish we were friends.

Sheesh, Do I ever shut up?

What the F$%# am I doing?

Ugh, I'm not spending as much time on my school work as I should have, now I have 2 assignments due today that I won't be able to get to, and two other assignments I didn't finish entirely that have dropped me down badly. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with school and my laid back nature doesn't help.

How do I break out of this mold? How do I help myself be a better scholar? I don't know, but I know I don't want to lose my scholarship or my chance at a real career. I need to step it up but I'm afraid of diving too much into my work and getting lost in the shuffle.

What did I get myself into to?

Moving through

2nd month of school started Monday, Finally I get to write instead of all those podcast. I seriously hate my voice, I never really heard it much other than a word or two, but after having to go back and re edit my voice samples to get them just right I notice how white I sound. I think my voice is extremely dorky,it doesn't match my appearance at all. Its something I'm going to have to get used to that's for sure.


The writing should be fun, and let me really explore all of my limits and talents and in the process, make me even better. I can't wait till I really get in. yay.