The Struggle

I tend to beat myself up more than I should, secluding myself and diving deeper and deeper into my imagination into my own world. I feel extremely alone, and just miss having the chance to be with someone.This new fondness of love has also caused a new sadness in my heart that is a void of not being loved, or even acknowledged. I wish I could tell my mother more than I did, wish I could have her console me again, she cared so much for me, more than anyone has ever. I miss her so much, and now I find myself missing my ex again.

I need to find something, something to change all of this, its been 3 months since the last time I was with her, and yet I deny how heavily it's influenced my demeanor now, she's happy and found the love she's been searching for, and me I'm just living day to day wondering if I'll ever find anyone ever again. I try to hold back from crying, but I can't the pain in my heart and soul is far from healed, and I continue to punish myself for the mistakes I've made.

Maybe someday I'll heal completely and finally be happy again, but I have little faith in that, I wish I could just go back to june when everything was at its peak and I was in love and happier than I have ever been, I wish I could have done something different to keep her, to not toss aside so much and just love, I wish this feeling of loss wasn't so big, I need to be stronger, but I don't know how to. Maybe that's why I can't find anyone, maybe that's why I seclude myself in my room, in my house, in my work, in my poems, in my dreams.

I don't know how much longer I can hold back my sorrow from driving me to do things I will regret.I didn't realize how powerful love can be and how crushing it would be to have it taken away, I miss her more than I can put into words.I wish I could just find happiness in myself, but it isn't there, and I don't know if it'll ever be.

Love

What is Love? Love is magic, Love is a miracle, Love is support, warmth, passion. Love is so much, Love can create a family, love can motivate,Love can cure and it can heal. I don't think I would have made it through such a rough year without all the love I've gotten from so many people, love from my friends who supported me and helped me through some tough times, love from a woman building me up and making me feel like I can do anything.Love from my Late mother that I will keep with me forever.

Love is what makes us tick it's what makes us feel alive, its what makes us human.Losing love is hard, but love can always be found again, Love can last forever, anyone that I love or have loved, I will love forever, I can't take it back, even if I wanted to. What makes me bring this up? I don't know the experiences this year have made me a huge supporter of it.

I have to admit while I'm not in love anymore and have since moved on, I still love my ex and hold her in my heart. I don't know if she thinks about me ever, but every once in a while I tend to picture her smile(its very beautiful and my favorite quality in her).I remember her telling me for the first time she loved me, and I felt my heart jump out of my chest, why do I bring this up now? I know next sunday is a special day for her (is it weird that I remember her mothers birthday?) and it made me think about how loving a person she is.



Although it may sound like I'm stuck in the past and again I'll admit that if she needed me,I would be there for her in a heartbeat. I just want to acknowledge that if I never shared my love with her, I wouldn't have this fond new appreciation for love, so yea it tends to make me think about her again. Love has helped me get over the anger and sorrow I felt after losing her. Love has helped me through the loss of my mother, and love has made me a better brother,friend,son and someday it will make me a (hopefully) great father. I am in love with love.


So everyone out there who reads this,know we are all blessed to be able to love and be loved, and don't be afraid to embrace it and accept it and most of all enjoy it. To my friends who read this, and even to you lisa if you happen to just browse by here, I love you all and wish for nothing more than for you to enjoy the love that you have and cherish it, its something to be proud of.

Saying goodbye for the last time

its been about a week or so since I last posted something on here, been going through a lot of changes and everything. haven't had much time to think about myself or write how I am. I survive every day and strive for more.I said my final goodbyes to my mom over the weekend, I never cried so much in my life, my ocean of emotions soaking my shirt and blowing into the wind with my mother's ashes knowing that she'll always be there to wipe them away and will always be in my heart.


I love you more than I could ever say in words, you given me so much and I am proud that you were my mother, I am blessed to have had you in my life as much as I did, as others weren't as fortunate, I love you mommy, I'll see you when my time has come.

wishy washy

I swear sometimes I wonder if women are ever a hundred percent sure what they want, the girl I was seeing was having second thoughts about taking time away from me, because well I'm so awesome (sarcasm,but she said I was really fun) then she changed her mind again and said it was best for me and it meant her not being selfish to herself and staying with me, I don't get it.


I was having such a good time too.I have the worse luck with women,Ever.

Reflection

I started to think back about the summer the other day, when a song came on that reminded me of my ex, I've gotten over her, over the anger I had for her taking me back and then leaving me, I've gotten over the sadness of losing the love she shinned into my heart, the sadness of losing a very strong and special women.I've gotten over regrets, regretting not doing more, not doing something different, I just look at the good times we had, staying up all night talking about whatever was on our minds. Her yelling at me for me not hearing her completely. Her kicking my ass in video games.

I shared more with her than I have with some of my closest friends I have now, and I won't ever forget it,I'll cherish every good moment I ever had with her, she'll always hold a special place in my heart. She is after all my very first love, and I couldn't have asked for a better first. Thank you for letting me into your heart, and sharing your memories with me, I will remember it always.

Dumped again

Well I think I was dumped again. We had a long talk last night after a song that came on the radio reminded me of my ex, and she ended up talking about her and we got into an argument  that along with trying to move and losing my mom she thinks there is too much going on with me for us to have any sort of relationship that will sustain. So she kissed me and told me we should take some time away from each other. I see this as being dumped.


I thought things were going good, I only brought up my ex once before this, when I mentioned her name was the same, and this time she brought that up again, and also thought that I was somewhat with her because she reminds me of my ex.She doesn't at all, she was the new lisa, and my ex was my first lisa, that's all.She couldn't get passed that and my other problems I guess it just seems like a cop out. Whatever I guess.


least it ended before it got serious, two big breakups in one year would suck.

Blue haired girl

so the girl I'm seeing told me last night she wants to dye her hair dark blue, she's already dyed it blonde. I've never dated a nerdy funny girl like her before (then again I haven't dated a lot period).I am trying to picture her with blue hair but it just seems weird.Ah well should be fun she makes me happy and It'll be cool to be dating a blue haired chick, its almost out of anime :D

Being in a better place

dare I say it? I think I am happy again! this new girl who just happens to have the same name as the last girl I dated,(weird I know) has really taken my mind off things. She's been helping me look for places to move as well as watching anime with me and reading comics, I didn't think I'd ever find someone with as many common interest as me in my area but I did. She's been great and I feel great! Woohoo!