Thoughts at night

I'm so thankful I have this blog, especially during these times, when I can't sleep, and my mind is racing over things that just happened. Writing over and over again about them. Tonight I am just writing because I can't sleep, and when I lay down my mind wanders, I start to think how I'm getting older, how all my friends are passing me by, while I'm still stuck where I was ten years ago.

I start to think about Lisa, and how overwhelming I got so fast. How I feel like I might have lost her again. And even though it's been a while since last time and I've healed, it still hurts to the point that I have to write here or else I'm just probably going to cry. It takes a lot for me to cry, but when I'm alone, in the dark and my mind is off wandering I think of a lot of things, and what I could lose or have lost. And that breaks my heart to a million pieces.

I have to admit, with no excuses, I am an emotional person, I've always been, I don't like to admit it because I think it makes me look weak,but I have to look at it from another perspective. I can be intense with things I'm passionate for, and I overdo it. Afraid of losing them, or just not showing enough for it.

I get emotional over not having my own family when everyone I know does. As if my life is stuck, and I can't move. I get emotional over the fact I haven't fallen in love again and worry It won't happen another time. Trying my best to fall asleep so I can live in my dreams, where all this doesn't matter, Because I have my family, I have that love I'm missing and I'm happy.

I don't want to be in a dream to be happy, but I don't know what to do. People tell me it'll come to me eventually but I don't see it, I hate that I can be so pessimistic about it. I'm not saying only being with someone or having a family will make me happy, because it starts with me. And it's not because I don't have these things that I'm not happy, it's feeling like I'm missing something that makes me unhappy, and I know what it is.


it's obvious you can't jump into having a family without building something first. I know that, I just feel like every time I take those few steps, I'm knocked off and start all over again. I love me, I love being with me, but I feel like I can be so much more, and I don't know if that time has come,passed or ever will come to be.


I hate that I write here it's usually always something sad, and I tend to roll my eyes at some of my older stuff, but to be honest, this is all stuff I wanted to shout, to yell to tell someone but I don't know who, so I thought I'd just tell you. Writing all this allows me to sleep, and to let off this feeling of sadness, as I tend not to talk about this to anyone, So it all gets dropped here, And the rest of me is just the silly goofy Randy everyone knows,

Not this hurt, wandering little boy who just wants love.Because I can't be this person in the real world, people look to me to make them happy, I've always been the guy to make other people feel better, whether it's making an ass of myself or just being goofy.So this journal,holds all my fears, all my doubts,all of my heart entirely.

I'm trying to think of a positive note to end this on, because I'd like to think of myself as optimistic.(although from reading this you'd never think that) There's always another day and another opportunity but for now, I'll just live my happy full life in my dreams.

Ugh

So, yea go figure, using this again to talk about her again. Sigh, This feels like a repetitive thing I'm destined to repeat because I simply cannot  for the life of me just take things one step at a time. I felt myself slipping more and more with every passing message, allowing the past, the nostalgia of things sweep me away. Before I know it I'm writing what sounds like a proposal to me, I know this is overwhelming, I know it's so much for one damn line.

I couldn't stop though, I felt like I had to reiterate but not falter on my cause, but that was me being prideful.Being fine with anything, knowing that if this goes the way I think it is, I'm going to feel it again. Not as much as before, but I will, she has a way of making me feel extremely good, and extremely bad. It's not her fault, it's just the effect she has on me.

I don't even think she knows it, which is why I think I scared her, I think (I could be totally wrong here) she was expecting everything to be lighter, and I got serious real quick, real fast, Brought us back 5 years ago (shit, has it been that long?) And I don't think she expected that at all. To be honest, neither did I, but first, I didn't even see the message till the next day, At the time, I didn't think much and sent a quick "Hey".

Then my mind started wandering,this isn't any girl messaging you again after a while. This is her, the one you've felt more comfortable with and you've been the farthest from. The one you always think of at some point in the year, of "what could have been" You think about the times you've blown it, the times you lost your shot, the times you yourself felt you didn't leap when you should have. After all that, I couldn't stop myself, everything I felt for this woman from 5 years and on came back.

I think I was afraid,to admit to her how much power she really has over me, maybe afraid that if she knew she'd feel horrible and think anything with us would be unhealthy. I say power, because when I think about it, that's what it is. I've been attracted and dated a handful of girls in the last few years. Nothing really last though, interests aren't the same, can't get past looks. I never got that same feeling I got with her.

Now you see, Before I was with her, I never really tried much to date, I was very shy and very low on myself. When things ended with her, I was in a horrible place, was in there for a long time, but I got out. And when I did, I changed some things. I decided to take more chances and actually go out and meet people. And actually met someone that first week and seen her for 2 months, It kinda ended mutual,weren't really clicking, fooled around for a bit but otherwise, nothing.

This happened for a while, it's cool and everything, but it feels empty. Other than sex I don't really find much else to do. One girl even broke up with me because she found out I was into comics. It's not easy actually dating someone when they think of you as a kid brother because of who you are.A lot of times I'd have to act different to get a lot of nicer looking girls, and when I would turn off the act, they'd lose interest in me.

A lot of times this happened, I thought back to her. To, fuck it, To Lisa,because no matter how dorky I was,she liked me for me and I didn't have to act a certain way to get her to like me.I never felt the same way about a girl the way I did about Lisa. I literally felt like a different person with other women like I had to fake this nonchalant fake ass cool guy and when a little bit of me comes out,it's over.So yes, I jumped the god damn gun, got scared,prideful,dramatic and everything else when she messaged me.

I hope I didn't ruin my chance, I told her I felt that way, but I feel as long as she thinks of me I have a chance. If she's reading this, well god damn you just read a lot, and probably feel even more overwhelmed and scared, and maybe worried? I hope you feel my love too. And I want to take it slow, even just talking about bs, or you whooping my ass online. I don't care I'm just happy to be around you.