Same Shit different story

reading some of my last entries I really want to slap myself at times. I've become this big whiny baby and I want to slap myself when I read some of this.

School's going good I guess, sorta messed up my last class but have been doing great with this month's course. I've felt weird lately really weird. Like I hate to be repetitive but I feel like I'm stuck in neutral as far as life is going. Didn't really have a thanksgiving this year and probably won't have a X-mas either. Fuck I tried so hard to not make this post depressing as hell but it's become that.

I think it's time I grew up a little bit more and grab life by the balls and do something. I feel like I'm in this shitty rut and I don't want to get out of it because I don't really care. I don't seem to care about much of anything atm. And I hate that, but what do I do to fix it? How do I care again? how do I care, and not let it ruin me or make me even more depressed than I can sometimes be.

Writing in this blog helps me vent when I don't want to tell my friends the rutt I'm in, because they all have been doing great for the most part. One friend has just finally had a boy after two girls, and another friend has been doing great as a father to four kids that aren't his own. How do I talk about my problems to them when they are so insignificant to begin with.

sometimes I wish I never used a computer, or played video games, or any of the things I do to waste my life away, but that shouldn't be what I blame for my miss-comings in recent years, it's my own.


ughhhhh I turned this into another sappy downer post, I'm sorry for those who actually read this. I hate to bum out everyone even more. Sometimes there is no other place to gripe and bitch and moan then you're own blog. Get one kids!

Numb

starting to feel numb to feelings in general. A good friend of mine is going through so much right now and I've been there to help her out, but I feel like I'm so numb to bad things that I sometimes don't take into account her feelings. She wants to go out this Saturday for lunch. I said yes but I don't know how to talk about all of this that she's been through.

I feel so weird right now, so far away from everyone, just in my own fucking world doing whatever I please. I feel so selfish but thinking and knowing about it makes me even more selfish to me.

god sometimes I hate all of this. so much. Also feeling jealous, because I just cannot see my fucking ex one day. And the day I decide to read one of her posts it just makes me jealous as hell. It's my own fault for reading the damn thing.