So today I was looking through my friends on facebook, I noticed my ex had a star by "Friends" and everyone else had a check mark next to it. Found out it meant close friends, I don't remember changing it. Anyway I seen something that asked me if I wanted to write how we first met each other. I still remember how it started, it was in march. I remember being "yummy" that made me giggle when I first read it.
I was a little shy with her at first but talked to her on the forum and we began to hit it off. I really loved those first few chats we had. Everything was so new, so flirty and silly I had so much fun. She was a welcome change in my life, I fell in love with this woman,she made my heart feel like a giant firework. With a single thought of her, the fuse was lit. As it slowly lit up the sky like a bursting star So did I, every time I thought or talked about her.I not only loved her but I was passionate about her.
I really miss that sometimes, I really miss HER sometimes like now for instance. I mean every time I open and write in this blog, it makes me think of her. I try to work up the nerve for a conversation to talk to her but I don't know how anymore. The way we were before, I don't think I can have that. And whats sad is I don't know how to be around her any other way. Am I like, broke? like really broken? Will I really feel this scared? This,afraid to just man the fuck up and say hi, I missed you, and I still love you, and I wish we could be back together.
I tried replacing the feelings I had for her with my friend I was real close with. And we talked about everything,including my ex.I love my friend, but I'm not in love with her, the night I told her I was.We talked all night, This feeling, it felt somewhat familiar but it wasn't the same as before, when we stopped talking I knew that, I ran to tell my ex my new exciting news, thinking THIS would be how I could get over her, letting her know I found someone.
We went our ways and I felt a little better.Then time kicked in and I felt like what I felt wasn't right, but I didn't want to tell kim that. Fortunately she did, and I didn't have to feel like an asshole for projecting feelings I have for my Ex on her. There has to be something I'm missing, I had moments, realizations that I was over her but, was I just lying to myself? I keep trying to tell myself no but, I see her face every now and then when I close my eyes.And that fuse is lit all over again.
I don't know if this is healthy, it's not like I follow her activity or anything like that. I just can't I can't get over her I don't even know if I want to. God, I miss her voice so much from the bottom of my heart. I miss hearing her tell me she loves me. I miss hearing about her life,or her cooking, or her cat or her kicking my ass in a game.I miss her.
If you're reading this, it means I sent that pm to you, I want to talk, but I'm seriously too scared as to what to say to you. If I made you feel uncomfortable or annoyed when I messaged you when I was drunk, I apologize. I just don't know how to talk to you anymore without all these feelings rushing out or instantly wanting to go back to how we used to talk.
I'm kidding myself if I think I'm over you, I think I tell myself this because I want to believe I am but, every time I think of you longer than 10 seconds, I can't think about anything else but wanting to tell you how much I love you.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
where to go?
feeling extremely vulnerable, lonely and just used. I felt safe talking to her again, but obviously she had no time for me. I'm not mad or angry or disappointed or anything, she doesn't owe me shit. I dunno I felt safe talking to her like I could say anything and not be judged, maybe it's just falling back into old habits.
I just feel so taken advantage of, people abuse my kindness and run over me and I let them. Maybe I like it? I dunno I wish I could be more cold but it's not in my nature. I'm too kind hearted of a person thanks to all the horrible things I've done when I was younger. Do I still love her? Probably always but I'm not hung up on that, I just felt like talking to someone familiar someone who knows me and understands me. I guess it was just the wrong time for that, and that's not her fault but mine.
I just feel so alone atm, and it sucks, I shouldnt have gotten drunk by myself, now that it's winding down, I just feel sad, and miss what we had, I wish I had that back, I miss feeling loved like that, I miss knowing someone needs or wants me in their lives, not feeling obligated due to blood or loyalty to me. I hate being alone, but thats all I have now.
This blog is nothing more than the collected notes of my tears and sorrow, full of pain and ache and regret. Rage anger and remorse. I miss being happy, and healthy and loved. I miss being someone.
I just feel so taken advantage of, people abuse my kindness and run over me and I let them. Maybe I like it? I dunno I wish I could be more cold but it's not in my nature. I'm too kind hearted of a person thanks to all the horrible things I've done when I was younger. Do I still love her? Probably always but I'm not hung up on that, I just felt like talking to someone familiar someone who knows me and understands me. I guess it was just the wrong time for that, and that's not her fault but mine.
I just feel so alone atm, and it sucks, I shouldnt have gotten drunk by myself, now that it's winding down, I just feel sad, and miss what we had, I wish I had that back, I miss feeling loved like that, I miss knowing someone needs or wants me in their lives, not feeling obligated due to blood or loyalty to me. I hate being alone, but thats all I have now.
This blog is nothing more than the collected notes of my tears and sorrow, full of pain and ache and regret. Rage anger and remorse. I miss being happy, and healthy and loved. I miss being someone.
Family is shit
Well, I'm writing today here, so I don't go and do something stupid like destroy my house out of anger,frustration and depression. I have been a nice person my whole life. And especially to my family.
My nephew, who was going through his own hardships, asked to move in with me in april, I was skeptical because I didn't know if he could contribute, he assured me his wife would pitch in.
Me being the nice wonderful Uncle I am, I let him. So it's now may, I've paid what bills I can myself, and bought food. His wife hasn't helped nor has he, I let may go by and June hits, he tells me he's looking for work and that he should have a job soon. I pay what I can again and get food. His wife shows up with their son, AND her brother, they stay over every few days, and eat my food, use my power and no signs of contributing.
So I begin to become frustrated, but I keep calm and stay nice. July comes, I tell him he has to pay or we both we be out of a place to stay, as I am struggling myself and don't have a way to pay. The bills pile up
his wife and kid and her brother show up again. Eating my food til there isn't anymore then buying their own food and offering me none.
he tells me she's going to give him money on the 12 of July. To avoid a late fee I ask my sister to loan me the rent money till the following week. Now my rent is pretty low ($258) and where she lives now (in a rv) she doesn't really have to pay anything. She tells me she gave all her money to her boyfriend. Which I know is a lie, because first, he's got money saved up. And second, for what? they only have to pay for their phones and food.
The 12th comes and I ask my nephew about the money, he gets quiet,no word. I figure he's just waiting on her to come by and bring it. Few days later nothing. "She's going to pay me $400 on the 26th" by then the rent will be extremely late but that will help with any other bill as well. So the weeks go by and the night of
the 26th he comes and tells me his wife has been cheating on him. And thinks he won't be able to get the money from her. I try to keep calm, and tell him I don't care that she's cheated there personal problems shouldn't negate the fact that she's been staying here and eating my food and coming over my house at 2 in the morning to have sex with her husband IN MY HOUSE.
He gets quiet, and says nothing else. Saturday, he leaves for his class and never returns. I wake this morning to see my screen on my front window is off, and the window is open. I'm not sure what has happened, nothing seems stolen, I check my nephew's room, his clothes are all gone. He has bailed on me. I am not angry that he didn't pay rent, I'm disappointed and annoyed but not angry. I am however angry he just left and didn't even have the gull to tell me he was leaving.
So now, I'm without food, because he and his wife and friends and son and whatever ate up almost everything.My bills are piling and I'm in danger of being homeless all be because I wanted to help my family and be nice. I'm trying not to destroy everything in my house and not breakdown and lose my mind but it's hard. My sister won't even pick up her phone or call me back.
I am at my wits end, I can't process any of this without breaking down and losing myself. I can't rely on my family because they just shit all over me.
if anyone wants to help me, you can drop donations on my paypal: Neocidezt@hotmail.com
any help at all will be helpful in helping me.
My nephew, who was going through his own hardships, asked to move in with me in april, I was skeptical because I didn't know if he could contribute, he assured me his wife would pitch in.
Me being the nice wonderful Uncle I am, I let him. So it's now may, I've paid what bills I can myself, and bought food. His wife hasn't helped nor has he, I let may go by and June hits, he tells me he's looking for work and that he should have a job soon. I pay what I can again and get food. His wife shows up with their son, AND her brother, they stay over every few days, and eat my food, use my power and no signs of contributing.
So I begin to become frustrated, but I keep calm and stay nice. July comes, I tell him he has to pay or we both we be out of a place to stay, as I am struggling myself and don't have a way to pay. The bills pile up
his wife and kid and her brother show up again. Eating my food til there isn't anymore then buying their own food and offering me none.
he tells me she's going to give him money on the 12 of July. To avoid a late fee I ask my sister to loan me the rent money till the following week. Now my rent is pretty low ($258) and where she lives now (in a rv) she doesn't really have to pay anything. She tells me she gave all her money to her boyfriend. Which I know is a lie, because first, he's got money saved up. And second, for what? they only have to pay for their phones and food.
The 12th comes and I ask my nephew about the money, he gets quiet,no word. I figure he's just waiting on her to come by and bring it. Few days later nothing. "She's going to pay me $400 on the 26th" by then the rent will be extremely late but that will help with any other bill as well. So the weeks go by and the night of
the 26th he comes and tells me his wife has been cheating on him. And thinks he won't be able to get the money from her. I try to keep calm, and tell him I don't care that she's cheated there personal problems shouldn't negate the fact that she's been staying here and eating my food and coming over my house at 2 in the morning to have sex with her husband IN MY HOUSE.
He gets quiet, and says nothing else. Saturday, he leaves for his class and never returns. I wake this morning to see my screen on my front window is off, and the window is open. I'm not sure what has happened, nothing seems stolen, I check my nephew's room, his clothes are all gone. He has bailed on me. I am not angry that he didn't pay rent, I'm disappointed and annoyed but not angry. I am however angry he just left and didn't even have the gull to tell me he was leaving.
So now, I'm without food, because he and his wife and friends and son and whatever ate up almost everything.My bills are piling and I'm in danger of being homeless all be because I wanted to help my family and be nice. I'm trying not to destroy everything in my house and not breakdown and lose my mind but it's hard. My sister won't even pick up her phone or call me back.
I am at my wits end, I can't process any of this without breaking down and losing myself. I can't rely on my family because they just shit all over me.
if anyone wants to help me, you can drop donations on my paypal: Neocidezt@hotmail.com
any help at all will be helpful in helping me.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Stuck in neutral
If anyone follows this, you might have noticed that a post I made a few weeks ago was removed. It was due to a girl and I feel I should tell this story now because I want to, and I feel like if I write, I won't do other things I shouldn't do.
This girl, This girl was my friend for 4 years,we used to work together, and we and a few others, would always get together on our days off and do something as group. Eventually the group winded down, to basically us. I moved a few cities over, and kept in touch with her very often even going out to meet her and the rest on a few occasions.
I grew feelings for her after a year, I was always there for her, even more than her boyfriends.It wasn't my time though we kept in touch and always text each other. She was there for me when my mother passed, and was around after. I talked to her about my ex girlfriend and she was very helpful in getting over that relationship. She understood it to a degree.
We hadn't talked in a long time my 2013 had been going shitty so far,and I wanted to take a chance what did I have to lose? A friendship evidently. I told her everything, I told her that I was in love with her. And that I was proud to be in her life. She's an inspiration of sorts to me. She does so much and still does more. I thought I wasn't good enough for her, and it turned out fate seemed to think that.
That night I told her everything and we talked all night, and we both expressed how we loved each other. And I woke the next day the happiest I had been since I first got with my ex. A friend called early that morning and I was so happy and proud to have someone as great as her to be interested in me. My friends were very happy for me. They knew how rough its been for the last two years.
It would be short lived, she realized she jumped into something she didn't want or have time for. And my reality check kicked in, she was too good for me, and fate knew it too. She made me want to do more though. She made me want to better. I never really expressed myself like that before. I was in love before, but I never really expressed myself the way I did with her.
Today I told her I couldn't be her friend anymore. Nothing will be the same anymore I'll always wonder what if, and she'll always question if I'm still in love with her. I went too fast too soon, and it seems I wasn't meant to be with her.This last week as been especially hard. I don't know what it is, every time something goes wrong, I end up having a dream of it being perfectly fine. I've been having the same recurring dream.
I'm in a big house appears to be mine, My friend is there but she's sitting next to me, then my mother shows up. I should realize this is dream but I don't and I go about things. My friend looks at me, and grabs my hand and begins to caress it. I lean over to kiss her, I can feel a surge even in my dreams. Just when there's a knock at the door, I wake up. Saddened by the fact it was a dream and I'm back in this world.
Next night I have a similar dream,my friend is there,my mom is there, my sister who I haven't seen in two years is there, with her kids, it feels like a nice family occasion.I can feel happiness I didn't realize how much of a high being happy is. And then I wake up again. This time I woke up angry trying to go back to sleep and back into this dream. I can't
Next night again another dream with my friend my mom and all of my family.It's the 4th of July we're out on the lawn in the backyard, everyone is sitting next to each other. I turn to the left to see my friend Kim, I look right into her big brown eyes. And I kiss her, I kiss her like I will never see her again. I grab her and hold her close, I don't want to let go. I don't want to leave here, maybe if I keep on to her I wont leave. I wake up again.
I can't take it anymore and I breakdown I punch by pillow over and over and begin to cry. My tears drop from my face and splash onto my shaking hands. They continue to splash everywhere. I wonder to myself if this world is the horrible nightmare. Everything that happens in a nightmare happened in this world.
who else can explain their mother being sexually abused as a kid by her father, then raped as grown women.. Only to be given diabetes, and then HIV and then Cancer.That has to be a nightmare, but it's not, it's the life my mother was given. She lived it and fought every day.
I miss her so much, I can see me coming to her after everything that happened not saying a word, and her knowing, and just giving me hug.and a kiss on the cheek,telling me I'm handsome and smart. I wish I didn't feel like a failure to her, and to Kim for not being the guy she wants. My mom of course would tell me I'm not and that she loves me and that I will be someone as long as I try.
No matter how bad I've fucked up in my life, she was always there for me. She was always there for all of us. There is nothing she wouldn't do for us. And I know right now she'd be my rock in getting over this hardship of a year. I wish I didn't feel like I am so stuck. Not going forward not going backward. Just stuck.
I don't know if it was the best decision to not be friends with Kim anymore. But I don't my heart broken again.
At some point, she'd start dating again, and I can't be the guy I was for her before. Getting relationship advice from me.I couldn't pretend to do that. I can't even pretend to be happy. I'm not sad either. I cried, but that was a long time coming. I have no problem admitting I cried, I can't keep everything in all the time.
Love has kicked my ass twice. Two times and two separate broken hearts. My ex told me I could make a girl fall in love with me since she did, But what about Kim? I'm in this fucking "friend zone" and I can't be there anymore. So I guess ending the friendship is the only thing I can do.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for love, but I don't know if the people I fall in love felt the same way. I don't know if I should keep trying. This was the first time I told a girl flat out how I entirely felt about her,and then basically blown off after I was lead on. That night, when we talked all night was the most wonderful feeling, I didn't want to go to bed then either.
Sigh, Love 2, Jr 0
This girl, This girl was my friend for 4 years,we used to work together, and we and a few others, would always get together on our days off and do something as group. Eventually the group winded down, to basically us. I moved a few cities over, and kept in touch with her very often even going out to meet her and the rest on a few occasions.
I grew feelings for her after a year, I was always there for her, even more than her boyfriends.It wasn't my time though we kept in touch and always text each other. She was there for me when my mother passed, and was around after. I talked to her about my ex girlfriend and she was very helpful in getting over that relationship. She understood it to a degree.
We hadn't talked in a long time my 2013 had been going shitty so far,and I wanted to take a chance what did I have to lose? A friendship evidently. I told her everything, I told her that I was in love with her. And that I was proud to be in her life. She's an inspiration of sorts to me. She does so much and still does more. I thought I wasn't good enough for her, and it turned out fate seemed to think that.
That night I told her everything and we talked all night, and we both expressed how we loved each other. And I woke the next day the happiest I had been since I first got with my ex. A friend called early that morning and I was so happy and proud to have someone as great as her to be interested in me. My friends were very happy for me. They knew how rough its been for the last two years.
It would be short lived, she realized she jumped into something she didn't want or have time for. And my reality check kicked in, she was too good for me, and fate knew it too. She made me want to do more though. She made me want to better. I never really expressed myself like that before. I was in love before, but I never really expressed myself the way I did with her.
Today I told her I couldn't be her friend anymore. Nothing will be the same anymore I'll always wonder what if, and she'll always question if I'm still in love with her. I went too fast too soon, and it seems I wasn't meant to be with her.This last week as been especially hard. I don't know what it is, every time something goes wrong, I end up having a dream of it being perfectly fine. I've been having the same recurring dream.
I'm in a big house appears to be mine, My friend is there but she's sitting next to me, then my mother shows up. I should realize this is dream but I don't and I go about things. My friend looks at me, and grabs my hand and begins to caress it. I lean over to kiss her, I can feel a surge even in my dreams. Just when there's a knock at the door, I wake up. Saddened by the fact it was a dream and I'm back in this world.
Next night I have a similar dream,my friend is there,my mom is there, my sister who I haven't seen in two years is there, with her kids, it feels like a nice family occasion.I can feel happiness I didn't realize how much of a high being happy is. And then I wake up again. This time I woke up angry trying to go back to sleep and back into this dream. I can't
Next night again another dream with my friend my mom and all of my family.It's the 4th of July we're out on the lawn in the backyard, everyone is sitting next to each other. I turn to the left to see my friend Kim, I look right into her big brown eyes. And I kiss her, I kiss her like I will never see her again. I grab her and hold her close, I don't want to let go. I don't want to leave here, maybe if I keep on to her I wont leave. I wake up again.
I can't take it anymore and I breakdown I punch by pillow over and over and begin to cry. My tears drop from my face and splash onto my shaking hands. They continue to splash everywhere. I wonder to myself if this world is the horrible nightmare. Everything that happens in a nightmare happened in this world.
who else can explain their mother being sexually abused as a kid by her father, then raped as grown women.. Only to be given diabetes, and then HIV and then Cancer.That has to be a nightmare, but it's not, it's the life my mother was given. She lived it and fought every day.
I miss her so much, I can see me coming to her after everything that happened not saying a word, and her knowing, and just giving me hug.and a kiss on the cheek,telling me I'm handsome and smart. I wish I didn't feel like a failure to her, and to Kim for not being the guy she wants. My mom of course would tell me I'm not and that she loves me and that I will be someone as long as I try.
No matter how bad I've fucked up in my life, she was always there for me. She was always there for all of us. There is nothing she wouldn't do for us. And I know right now she'd be my rock in getting over this hardship of a year. I wish I didn't feel like I am so stuck. Not going forward not going backward. Just stuck.
I don't know if it was the best decision to not be friends with Kim anymore. But I don't my heart broken again.
At some point, she'd start dating again, and I can't be the guy I was for her before. Getting relationship advice from me.I couldn't pretend to do that. I can't even pretend to be happy. I'm not sad either. I cried, but that was a long time coming. I have no problem admitting I cried, I can't keep everything in all the time.
Love has kicked my ass twice. Two times and two separate broken hearts. My ex told me I could make a girl fall in love with me since she did, But what about Kim? I'm in this fucking "friend zone" and I can't be there anymore. So I guess ending the friendship is the only thing I can do.
There is nothing I wouldn't do for love, but I don't know if the people I fall in love felt the same way. I don't know if I should keep trying. This was the first time I told a girl flat out how I entirely felt about her,and then basically blown off after I was lead on. That night, when we talked all night was the most wonderful feeling, I didn't want to go to bed then either.
Sigh, Love 2, Jr 0
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Emotional Dictatorship
Frustration is dictating how I live my life lately, this last week and a half has been horrible. I sometimes wish I didn't lose myself to my emotions. I tend to let them run my life and my decisions. From rushing head first into things, to losing control of myself and just striking out at the nearest object. Tomorrow is tough for me, this is the second mother's day without my mom, and it's still not easy.
I told her how I felt,told her too much too fast. I scared her, and ruined whatever could have happened. Once again my emotions dictating my actions.That night was wonderful, we stayed up all night just talking, and I hadn't felt that good in a long time.The next day things changed, rational came into play and my week went back to the nightmare it was before this wonderful moment occurred.
I didn't want her to feel bad, although she did, it wasn't her fault that I sprung all of this on her and scared her into not wanting to hurt me. I had to take that chance though, I was tired of not speaking my mind and not trying to take a chance. She loves me, but she doesn't have the time right now to be with someone, I didn't want to jump into anything, I just wanted to be more than I was to her.
Now I just feel like, nothing can go right for me when I fall for someone, I tend to fall for the wrong people, or get the same response. I felt like she was too good for me to begin with, and I guess I was right.
I told her how I felt,told her too much too fast. I scared her, and ruined whatever could have happened. Once again my emotions dictating my actions.That night was wonderful, we stayed up all night just talking, and I hadn't felt that good in a long time.The next day things changed, rational came into play and my week went back to the nightmare it was before this wonderful moment occurred.
I didn't want her to feel bad, although she did, it wasn't her fault that I sprung all of this on her and scared her into not wanting to hurt me. I had to take that chance though, I was tired of not speaking my mind and not trying to take a chance. She loves me, but she doesn't have the time right now to be with someone, I didn't want to jump into anything, I just wanted to be more than I was to her.
Now I just feel like, nothing can go right for me when I fall for someone, I tend to fall for the wrong people, or get the same response. I felt like she was too good for me to begin with, and I guess I was right.
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