ok, I'm kinda shaking right now because I'm so nervous over actually sending a message, I'm sure I don't have a shot in hell with her anymore because well I ruined that, but I just had to say something that I've felt for a bit after finding the poem I had wrote for her a year ago.

dwelling and living in the past isn't going to do me any favors, but I can't leave things as they are, it pains me to my very core to know the first person I ever fell in love with hates the very thought of me. I just hope someday she can forgive the violation of trust and line I crossed last year.

I wasn't thinking clearly but there is no excuse for my inappropriate behavior and comments, it was very immature of me and sick, I know that and I really don't deserve to be forgiven, but I had to try.

I really am sorry for being so thoughtless and inconsiderate to your feelings, if you do read this I don't mean to sour on your life now if its going well (I hope it is) its just been killing me inside for so long.

Moving off

Getting over your first love is not easy at all, its been a year and I still feel the same way, even after being with someone else for 5 months(which is over now and me not being able to let go being part of the blame). How long does this take? or like the saying goes "you never really get over your first love" I don't really know if I want to really. Is that bad?

sigh, I keep moving backwards.

Like Yesterday

I don't know about you guys who are reading this if you lost a loved one, but the other day I was in the shower, and for the oddest reason I can't explain I just flashed to my mothers last day, lying on her bed, in and out of sleep, me my father and sister moving her to feel more comfortable and me going into my room and lying down, my sister coming into my room and telling me my mom was gone.

I couldn't I WOULDN'T believe she was gone, I just closed my eyes and hoped it was just a dream I would wake up from,but it wasn't she was gone, I flashed back out of the memory and broke down and cried in the shower, I know I wouldn't get over her death this soon, but the feeling was like it was just yesterday.

Every day is a trial and test, I persevere onward because she would want that, but I'll never forget her Never.


I love you mom, always and forever.

I want her back, that is all.

Love Infinite

Is it wrong to still have feelings for someone you haven't been with in almost a year?

I'm completely over what happened, but when I think about it, I find myself still infatuated with her, 

I have no plans of trying to enter her life again, or even if she'd let me into it. I don't want to ruin or put any kinks in anything she has going now, but I sometimes feel like I ruined something that could have been more.

I guess I have to make changes to my mistakes and not look back, but I know, I'll never lose the love I had for her, its something that will always be with me even if it doesn't stay with her.