Brighter

Things have been going pretty good for me recently, been seeing someone for about 2 months now, going slow, but I'm having fun. I've let go of some of my hangups that have hindered me before and just decided to go for it. Which is how I ended up dating someone now. Decided not to be worried about being rejected, and trying to be someone I'm not, and turns out she liked that.

So me being more confident and secure with myself has worked great. Funny though, now matter how I change certain things one thing always remains a constant. I still find myself wondering about that one. The one that made me see things different all those years ago. I accept that she'll in some way always be in my heart and on my mind at some point in time. That closure I don't think I'll be able to get 100% but hey, that's perfectly fine with me.

I'm just so happy things are looking a lot better now, It feels good to write a post here that's not all sad and gloomy and depressing and everything that this blog has been over the years. I'm glad I still have it as it lets me just let out things I don't really tell anyone.

wanting my own family has been on my mind over the past few years, I hate rushing to the conclusion anytime I find interest in someone, but I feel like something is missing and I can't help but think it's a family. It could be seeing so many young families where I am that it just makes me want my own, but I've been thinking of this since I wanted one with Lisa, and that hasn't changed.

I feel like I have so much to give and so much love to share. My father wasn't the best, and wasn't around much, I still love him. I know I can do better than that, I want to do better than that, I just hope I'll have a chance to one day, till then I'm just going to enjoy how good things are right now, and go from there.

Why can't I actually finish this and publish what I've wrote, this is the 5th time I've rewrote this after deleting. Am I that afraid of losing what I've only temporarily gotten?

You're fucking right I am, But I also need to speak the truth, I owe her that, and even though I'm afraid of how she'll respond I need to.

over the last year or so, I've come to my own conclusion,how you and I came to be, how it became what it did, has changed how I view relationships in general. You were the first girl to ever love me, and the first girl I ever loved,being with you, but not being with you, made our situation unique.

My love life is pretty...non existent,the last girl I dated was the first serious sort of thing I've had since you honestly,it ended pretty badly, with her basically calling me on being complacent with where I am in life. She wanted more, I didn't really care. She seen that, called me a worthless loser and left.

That wasn't three months ago, that was 3 years ago, I haven't had anything serious since, and I honestly don't even really mind it. The only girl I've ever really loved, or will ever love is you. 

This might sound sad, but at this point, I don't care, my life isn't great it's not shit either. I don't need to find love when I already know where it is.

I still believe in the possibility of a family with you,no matter how hard that may be to see with our current circumstances, but with time anything is possible. Please don't feel bad or anything for how I feel. My mom was with my dad for a long period but I never seen any of it, she was by herself even longer and was fine, so I have no problem being by myself until my opportunity comes.

I love you Lisa, I will always love you, I will always be there for you, I will never abandon or turn on you as long as I live. You are the woman of my dreams, you are the only woman I would want to bring a life into this world with. As Corny as I sound here, I believe you were put in my life for a reason. And I'm not ever going to regret that.